Polish Thanksgiving

My in laws are funny. They invented a holiday 12 years ago. Yes, my in laws are very much like George Costanza's from Seinfeld, inventing Festivus. But my in-laws invented Polish Thanksgiving. Apparently it started years ago when a family friend was going to cut everyone's hair. My MIL said "Why don't I make tons of Polish food if everyone is coming over?" It was a Sunday and aside from eating the tons of Polish food, everyone drank alot. They decided to make it an annual thing but cut out the pesky hair cuts. They move it to Saturday so that people had a day to recover before going back to work. They named it Polish Thanksgiving. This was my fourth year, and I look forward to it for at least two weeks beforehand. The food was, as always, AMAZING. The drinks; plentiful and tasty. The weather? Gorgeous. The only thing that put a hamper on the day? Me not being pregnant, of course.
Now, I think I do a good job many days putting this in a small corner of my mind. Not mentioning it to anyone except my "bump" friends on-line and maybe a quick chat about it to close friends every now and then but this was a tough day.
While outside, two of the older generation ladies were giving me the "relax and it will happen" speech. Anyone dealing with infertility will tell you this is the most annoying statement. I finally said "relaxing will not help Jeff's motility or my progesterone!" It shocked them into silence, but I couldn't sit there anymore. So I moved into the house, where the four women of my generation where sitting (with all their children). Here I was told within minutes of joining that "someone has been pregnant for the last several Christmas's so I guess it's your turn this year Kati." Yeah, I'll get right on that, as if I have not been trying these last 18 cycles. It turns out the woman who said it went thru IVF 13 years ago, and she knows we are having trouble. Of all people, she should know the hurt a statement like this causes.
I broke down in the car ride home (props to me for keeping it together for the several hours that followed). But I realize now that my statement to Jeff of feeling guilty for not being pregnant, might have then put guilt on him. That was not my intention, obviously. I just wanted to sit and let the emotions flow over me. To let it out. In the future, I need to remember that while what others say, might hurt me. In return, what I express to my husband, might hurt him. I should vocalize that I know I'm not alone in the frustration. I don't ever what him to feel that I'm blaming him. I love him too much to let even the possibility of the thought fester. The time with friends and family for 90% was fun, don't get me wrong. But there was still that hanging overhead. And I think that's what most family's don't understand. That while it may not be mentioned; it's always in the mind. I sat their while everyone was taking photos with their children. While mothers compared stories and worries. While children fussed and played. It's an inescapable environment, and there are those of us that can only sit and hope (and sometimes mope).