Floor Plan - way too much fun

So there is this website that is waaay too much fun that let's you (for free) design floor plans.  You can do a room or the whole level.  *But note you can't do one room at a time and then link them, or not that I could see.  So I spent much of this evening doing the entire house.  

House Update!

So it *only* took 173 days from the day we put an offer in on the house to hear the short sale is approved! LOL.  I really never ever expected a "short sale" to take this long.  I know they said it could take a while, but everyone expected four to five months for us to be fully moved in.  It will be seven months probably from day of offer (May 31st) to the day we're hoping to close (Dec. 31st).  Whew.

But now a different nerve wracking wait begins - the mortgage approval.  Yes, we were pre-approved eight months ago.  And it was after our hard work of getting our credit rate in better shape to be able to even qualify.  And yes, we've continued to make smart choices in these past eight months to keep our credit looking good - and maybe even raise up.  But there is still that fear and the reasoning is a little hard to explain - but let me try.

July 2013 we noticed Jeff's check was larger.  Turns out his law school student loan was paid off; after 20 years...TWENTY YEARS people!  I had him double triple check with his HR department because I joked when we got married that we'd be paying it off until we retire.  HR checked and said "Yep, you've fulfilled what they said you owe."  Woohoo!  Then about three months ago Jeff got a letter from the Dept of Education saying he owed money on it.  The letter looked suspicious so we thought perhaps it was a scam trying to steal his info (because it did ask for SSN and the like) but after a call to government nope - it's real.  So we did the initial appeal, because how can he still owe money if the wage garnishment that we'd been paying for years said we paid it off?  They claim it happens all the time; and quite frankly we still don't understand where the mix up is.  But after a month or so, the appeal was denied.  (When does the government actually work *fast*? When you don't want them to.)  The next step would be to bring it to court for further appeal and what are the chances of winning that?  And what would that cost be upfront compared to just paying off what they say we still owe over time?  So we think we'll just swallow this shit.  But because we were not paying for over a year does it show up in a credit report as delinquent?  No one seems to be able to answer that question.  And how unfair would that be?! That we would have kept paying if we were not told it was paid.  Because no one seems to be able to answer that.  We're hoping that the answer is no, because if it was yes - wouldn't they be able to tell us that?  But instead we have to just sit and hope this doesn't screw us out of our home.    It KILLS me that no one can answer that simple question of if it will show up suddenly on our credit report (as it hasn't yet).

But let's get back to the happy news of at least this wait will be short.  Awaiting mortgage approval will not drag out like the short sale approval.  But now let's address the other fear.  The fear that comes from being IF turned Child Free living.  You get so used to getting your hopes up for the last several years for them all the fall apart in terms of having a child that you think that will happen to other things in your life.  This time last year I learned that I was pregnant.  Only for five weeks later for my world to come crashing down.  So I guess I'm waiting for that shoe to drop because I can't possibly get something in life I want, right?  There is some bad karma from a past life fucking with me, right?  But then I tell myself that's a dumb way to think  - one doesn't have anything to do with the other.  And hell, I hit the jackpot in finding an awesome husband and I never worry about that.  So I'm trying to do some positive thinking.  But once again, I am asking the universe for a little good juju.  Please?  I'm so ready to start this new chapter in our lives.

Halloween and fears ahead

I love halloween.  Like looooove halloween.  I like being able to dress up as someone else.  I don't know why but that aspect is a big part of it.  I guess since I liked playing dress up as a child it shouldn't be too surprising.  But I also love to see all the cute pictures of kiddos.  And cuties coming to our door.  And candy!  And it's during my favorite time of year  - FALL.  I'm addicted to the leaves changing and getting to wear sweaters and boots.  But being married to someone who doesn't love halloween admittedly puts a damper on it.  Do I get a little jealous that I don't have a little one to show off in their cute little outfit? Of course!  But strangely what makes me more jealous now - is when I see a husband that likes halloween.  I can't go all out on halloween because Jeff won't dress up, won't go out.  Blah.

I decided I was dressing up.  No I didn't go all out - I went as Axl Rose.  Just need a red bandana and plaid flannel over Guns and Roses t shirt.  That's what I liked about it, it was regular clothes and fairly simple so as not to be over the top to Jeff but still in the spirit of halloween.  But it just made me realize how fun it was to dress up again.  Double edged sword.  First world problems right?

But damnit I enjoyed the holiday - I carved my pumpkin (which Jeff thinks is cute that I love the holiday that much that I do it), I roasted the seeds, I made a fall wreath, and damn it I dressed up!  Because while Jeff and I are so similar in most ways, I decided I was embracing this difference.  Now if only next year we had a party to go to and I could convince him to go all out.

the design vs my free hand carve

But with the turn to November - we are facing something scarier than halloween...the milestones that will be coming up in the next two months.  On Nov 15th last year I had my FET.  And over Thanksgiving week (M, W, F) is when I had my betas to learn we were pregnant.  And on Dec 27th we learned sometime earlier in the week, our son had passed (I morbidly believe it was Christmas Day because Christmas Eve night I had morning sickness and on Christmas it was like most all my pregnancy symptoms went away).  And on New Years Eve I took the miso and at 5am New Years Day I passed our son into this world.  All three frickin holidays.  But it's been a year of mourning and healing - so I'm not dreading the holidays.  I love them - and I don't want our loss to change that.  I know I will have moments of sadness.  I'm preparing myself for that.  But I'm also doing everything I always love to do for the season.  I've designed our Christmas card, I've started planning out gifts for everyone, and knowing what dish I'm cooking for Thanksgiving.  While I'm not religious, I will be giving thanks this year that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness stronger.  I know not all marriages survive infertility - and I'm very thankful for our love.  So maybe FDR was right - the only thing to fear, is the fear itself.  I can get over this fear - in part because I've gotten over worse.

But want to hear something I'm doing as a remembrance if you will of the year?  For the first 35 years of my life, my mom would buy us our annual Christmas ornament.  Last year as she retired, she and my dad decided that was one tradition that they'd have to give up to cut back on Christmas costs so I've taken up the tradition for Jeff and I.  And because of this post and realization that my heart has grown larger this year from the love and support of my groups over the loss of our son - this years ornament for me is this Grinch.  As soon as I saw it, I was like "That's the one!"  It will forever remind me that even in the worst of times, my life was filled with love.  Maybe strange... but child like and whimsical seems fitting to encompass the emotion.  I want to hold on to the good.  And look how cute!  And it even has sound of part of the story that talks about his heart growing three sizes.  And THAT my dear readers is part of what this holiday is about and what it will mean to me this year.