So one of my #75strong decided to start a monthly budget conscience check in. And it came at the right time to pat myself on the back. I did what I said I would do. You could read here what I said late March but a quick recap is my goals for 2013 was to pay off three of my four credit cards and cut the third in half. And that we would pay off almost $5K of other debt (mainly medical bills) and afford our vacation without being thrown off track. And Boo-Yay! Done as of Jan 4th. I had "budgeted" to have them paid off in December but well life does happen here and there and the IVF/FET took a little more $$ than expected etc. But still I was able to stay on plan by just one month shy of goal.
So I've been thinking the last hour or so on what to set as goals for 2014, because if you don't lay them out how can you stay with it? Jeff still believes even with all the progress we've made that a home loan will be out of our reach because of his judgement (When he was a practicing lawyer one of his clients took him to court over something asinine and somehow won. And for a large sum we will be paying off for several more years). I think the progress we made is enough. I told him to just wait and see. So it's hard to set goals when it depends on that whole situation. But.... at least this month we have about $200 med bills that are more recent (m/c stuff and whatnot) to pay, and our Nashville trip to pay most of because well fun within our means is soooo needed after all this crap. So just a short term goal for now.
Oh, and we're going to have Jeff have $30 per check taken out extra for taxes so we won't have a $765 federal tax bill facing us next year (We're not looking for a refund, just not to owe). And obviously this year's one long term goal is paying off that last credit card of mine and continuing to use Jeff's two at a 30% of credit limit area as suggested to build up his credit history (since he has almost none). We pay off Jeff's car this August and once that is done we're going to start saving a few hundred a month to build up an emergency fund (yes I know this is supposed to be the first thing people do for financial responsibility - but we're doing it our way. ie bass ackwards.) Once it's over $1k everything else in savings will be for whatever! Vacations, furniture, whatever is a want and not a need.
OK...there's some longer term goals for the year. Again just writing them out for a record for me to check back with and hold myself accountable. If once we learn of the house situation more ideas come from saving (as a mortgage should be the same or less that our rent in this high COLA) then I'll write more.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Friday, January 31, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
My cup runneth over
I've talked a few times before at how truly amazed I am by the lives I've touched or the lives that have touched me simply through the screen into a world called the internet but I am simply blown away this week.
It all started with the bump Aug. 2009. Most, if not all of you that read this met me on there. Within my first week I met a woman named SarahL77. We were the same age and both starting TTC, and she was nice enough to send me a PM telling me a few things we had in common and we could support each other. New to the forum - let alone the idea of "getting to know" people on the internet was totally foreign to me. I had only browsed The Knot for wedding ideas, not used the boards to talk with people. I was too leary to reach out and tell someone personally one on one so I was grateful for someone else throwing the first life line out to say "We're together on this!" But still, I guarded my emotions a bit. In real life many would call me the "strong stoic type". I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I wasn't ready to start with strangers on the internet. Not yet.
After a few months I had a group I felt closely connected with, more and more I opened up. We would share all kinds of girl talk, relationship chat, emotions, etc. And after 8 months together TTC most of them were moving over to 3T (aka Trouble trying to conceive) and I followed (known at that time as the "Mass exodus" from TTGP. As the months went by many got pregnant and moved on. I learned to love a new group, but I missed my friends that I had grown to know that first year. It felt similar to 6th grade when my friends abandoned me because I wasn't "cool" enough. Now, I know these girls didn't do it on purpose...it was simply the nature of the board. Get PG, move on.
Luck would have it they felt close too and I learned a year later they had created their own forum in a secret off shoot - and I was being invited into the secret lair. A safe place no one could just enter. Oh how special I felt that they remembered me, even though many of them I had not "seen" online or talked to in that year or so. Reconnecting with them felt like when people first found facebook and reconnected with their old high school buddies. If felt like coming home. These ladies knew me. And the new group I had learned to love just as well got the same idea about the same time...make a private place for just us. And thus started what I truly felt was my support groups.
We don't have fights. We don't have rigid "rules" of etiquette because we're all smart and loving people. We understand we come from all walks of life - rich, poor, from the far left to the far right, religious to atheist. We all except we're different but share this common bond. That bond is love, support, and kindness. If you had told me five years ago I'd write that; I'd say that sounded way too mushy and hippie to me. I'm not like that. It's not puppies and rainbows (don't get me wrong). We're still foul mouthed chics and making sexual jokes like a group of guys. Sharing links to fart-proof men's underwear as gift ideas for the husbands as a joke and asking for clothing or cooking advice.
And through this, the toughest month of my life, the two groups (there are maybe four of us that straddle both groups) came together to show their love for me. The most thoughtful gifts, and tributes to my lost son came in the mail with beautiful cards. Treats only friends would know I love and personal touches only they could do. My heart overflowed and tears streamed down my face. And I realized today that I am like the Grinch at the end of the show- my heart has grown three sizes bigger in these years. THEY have done that. No one else but these "strangers" of which I've personally met only a handful of IRL had taught me that it really is OK to fully open yourself up. I mean - sure, I'm this way with my family, my husband, and my three closest girlfriends. But I never thought I could expand that circle of trust to so many. That I would have so large of a trusted group. I am truly amazed.
I guess what I'm saying is this. If you're reading this, and you're like me and you had not ever reached out. Not taken that step to personally say to someone "You're not alone" or "I accept you just as you are"...it's OK to do it. Sure, they might not respond. But you might end up having some of the most amazing friends that have your back through just one common thread in the beginning. And we may still have our differences politically, religiously, whatever. But deep down, there are so many things to share. And your heart might just grow three sizes bigger too.
It all started with the bump Aug. 2009. Most, if not all of you that read this met me on there. Within my first week I met a woman named SarahL77. We were the same age and both starting TTC, and she was nice enough to send me a PM telling me a few things we had in common and we could support each other. New to the forum - let alone the idea of "getting to know" people on the internet was totally foreign to me. I had only browsed The Knot for wedding ideas, not used the boards to talk with people. I was too leary to reach out and tell someone personally one on one so I was grateful for someone else throwing the first life line out to say "We're together on this!" But still, I guarded my emotions a bit. In real life many would call me the "strong stoic type". I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I wasn't ready to start with strangers on the internet. Not yet.
After a few months I had a group I felt closely connected with, more and more I opened up. We would share all kinds of girl talk, relationship chat, emotions, etc. And after 8 months together TTC most of them were moving over to 3T (aka Trouble trying to conceive) and I followed (known at that time as the "Mass exodus" from TTGP. As the months went by many got pregnant and moved on. I learned to love a new group, but I missed my friends that I had grown to know that first year. It felt similar to 6th grade when my friends abandoned me because I wasn't "cool" enough. Now, I know these girls didn't do it on purpose...it was simply the nature of the board. Get PG, move on.
Luck would have it they felt close too and I learned a year later they had created their own forum in a secret off shoot - and I was being invited into the secret lair. A safe place no one could just enter. Oh how special I felt that they remembered me, even though many of them I had not "seen" online or talked to in that year or so. Reconnecting with them felt like when people first found facebook and reconnected with their old high school buddies. If felt like coming home. These ladies knew me. And the new group I had learned to love just as well got the same idea about the same time...make a private place for just us. And thus started what I truly felt was my support groups.
We don't have fights. We don't have rigid "rules" of etiquette because we're all smart and loving people. We understand we come from all walks of life - rich, poor, from the far left to the far right, religious to atheist. We all except we're different but share this common bond. That bond is love, support, and kindness. If you had told me five years ago I'd write that; I'd say that sounded way too mushy and hippie to me. I'm not like that. It's not puppies and rainbows (don't get me wrong). We're still foul mouthed chics and making sexual jokes like a group of guys. Sharing links to fart-proof men's underwear as gift ideas for the husbands as a joke and asking for clothing or cooking advice.
And through this, the toughest month of my life, the two groups (there are maybe four of us that straddle both groups) came together to show their love for me. The most thoughtful gifts, and tributes to my lost son came in the mail with beautiful cards. Treats only friends would know I love and personal touches only they could do. My heart overflowed and tears streamed down my face. And I realized today that I am like the Grinch at the end of the show- my heart has grown three sizes bigger in these years. THEY have done that. No one else but these "strangers" of which I've personally met only a handful of IRL had taught me that it really is OK to fully open yourself up. I mean - sure, I'm this way with my family, my husband, and my three closest girlfriends. But I never thought I could expand that circle of trust to so many. That I would have so large of a trusted group. I am truly amazed.
I guess what I'm saying is this. If you're reading this, and you're like me and you had not ever reached out. Not taken that step to personally say to someone "You're not alone" or "I accept you just as you are"...it's OK to do it. Sure, they might not respond. But you might end up having some of the most amazing friends that have your back through just one common thread in the beginning. And we may still have our differences politically, religiously, whatever. But deep down, there are so many things to share. And your heart might just grow three sizes bigger too.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
A little sunshine into this blog
So I know the last four or five post are all about my miscarriage and if you didn't know me you'd think I'm walking around with a cloud over my head (like Pigpen in Peanuts walks around with a cloud of dust - yes, I'm picturing you thinking of me as a cartoon). And I appreciate all the comments with sympathy and hugs. Yet I feel maybe I am beginning to be a little redundant. Yes, I will continue to talk about my loss. Yes some days (like yesterday finding out it was a healthy boy) are hard ...but then there is a new day and I've been fine today. Not to discount my grief or those still in a grips of theirs. Everyone has their own timetable for moving on. And I have not fully moved on yet.
But for me thinking ahead is important in life. Enjoying life in general is important. I am important.
So I thought I'd mention some things I'm looking forward to in the next few months.
Well let's start with right now. I have a three day weekend to spend with my man. We have nothing exciting planned - buying tires and maybe a dinner out. But I really love spending all my time with him. He is my best friend and even doing nothing all three days would be pretty damn great in my book.
Then there is the superbowl, and oscars awards, and Valentines day. Again, nothing planned - but excuses to do something, anything or nothing - TOGETHER. Then there is St. Patty's Day. Last year we went on a pub crawl with a bunch of friends. I don't do it often but there is nothing like getting your Day-Drunk on. I tend to spend most of the day giggling like a school girl and smiling from ear to ear so for that I am looking forward to.
The *trip*! Usually in the late spring we head off to Reno for the National Bowling tournament Jeff is in with buddies - but this year they are going in July and it's in someplace like New Mexico. Nah, we'll skip that as our July is busy enough with the fest we help put on. So instead we are going with 32 people on a bus trip down to Nashville to see the last regular season Blackhawks Hockey game. OMG if you know me much at all you know I loooooove me some Patrick Sharp and my Blackhawks. And three days in a city I've never been to, and with some friends along (and make some new ones?) Fun.ass.times. I'm seriously excited for this. (If not just slightly scared of how much we'll be drinking as the host of this trip makes legend-(wait for it)-dary bloody mary's and they're part of the fee for the bus trip).
And house hunting! And hopefully moving into our forever home! And who knows what else along the way.
So this is my way to say, yes I've been writing out my sad emotions because ~well, those are the ones you need cathartic release. That writing them out just helps to move on. But I didn't want my digital footprint right now to not show the full Kati. Because it is important when I look back in a year or two and re-read these (as I often do of past posts) and get the full sense of what I was thinking of. But for now, it's Thursday night and I don't have to work tomorrow - so I am heading out to have some drinks with the bowling folks and play some slots.
But for me thinking ahead is important in life. Enjoying life in general is important. I am important.
So I thought I'd mention some things I'm looking forward to in the next few months.
Well let's start with right now. I have a three day weekend to spend with my man. We have nothing exciting planned - buying tires and maybe a dinner out. But I really love spending all my time with him. He is my best friend and even doing nothing all three days would be pretty damn great in my book.
Then there is the superbowl, and oscars awards, and Valentines day. Again, nothing planned - but excuses to do something, anything or nothing - TOGETHER. Then there is St. Patty's Day. Last year we went on a pub crawl with a bunch of friends. I don't do it often but there is nothing like getting your Day-Drunk on. I tend to spend most of the day giggling like a school girl and smiling from ear to ear so for that I am looking forward to.
The *trip*! Usually in the late spring we head off to Reno for the National Bowling tournament Jeff is in with buddies - but this year they are going in July and it's in someplace like New Mexico. Nah, we'll skip that as our July is busy enough with the fest we help put on. So instead we are going with 32 people on a bus trip down to Nashville to see the last regular season Blackhawks Hockey game. OMG if you know me much at all you know I loooooove me some Patrick Sharp and my Blackhawks. And three days in a city I've never been to, and with some friends along (and make some new ones?) Fun.ass.times. I'm seriously excited for this. (If not just slightly scared of how much we'll be drinking as the host of this trip makes legend-(wait for it)-dary bloody mary's and they're part of the fee for the bus trip).
And house hunting! And hopefully moving into our forever home! And who knows what else along the way.
So this is my way to say, yes I've been writing out my sad emotions because ~well, those are the ones you need cathartic release. That writing them out just helps to move on. But I didn't want my digital footprint right now to not show the full Kati. Because it is important when I look back in a year or two and re-read these (as I often do of past posts) and get the full sense of what I was thinking of. But for now, it's Thursday night and I don't have to work tomorrow - so I am heading out to have some drinks with the bowling folks and play some slots.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Our baby was a boy
So I went in today for another follow up beta. In my previous post I had hoped it was between 20 and zero but several of you ladies warned me the end it drops slower. So I was preparing myself mentally for the idea it would still be above 100. But thankfully they said it's down to 30 (from last Monday's 564). So it should be zero I hope fairly soon. Still no bleeding but as I believe I've said before I think my body just re-absorbs most of it since I have very very light periods.
However what I was not prepared for was that the genetics testing would be back so soon. They said it takes two weeks to a month. It's not been quite two weeks since we dropped it off and it was mailed out. However it gave no answers. I was told today that we had a "normal genetic male".
It was a boy. A little boy.
I knew I would cry no matter which it was. But before it was "a baby" - a bit in the abstract, if you will. Now it's just so concrete. We were pregnant with a little version mix of Jeff and I that would have been a boy. And therefore it brings the pain back up fresh.
I don't know if I should feel glad to know there was nothing genetically wrong - meaning therefore if we cycle again with IVF we don't have to worry about PGD testing (and costs) or be sad that there is no reason (anti body or genetic) reason why the fuck this happened, so therefore there is no precaution we can take next time to avoid it. I'm feeling both of those at the same time.
I did do a few of the other things I had on my to do list but can't find the strength to bother to vacuum or do the dishes or plan dinner for tonight. Instead I think I will ignore it, take a nap, and get take out. I have not told Jeff yet because it doesn't seem like something he should hear over the phone at work when I can tell him when he gets home. Yet again the news and emotions it brings is sheerly exhausting.
However what I was not prepared for was that the genetics testing would be back so soon. They said it takes two weeks to a month. It's not been quite two weeks since we dropped it off and it was mailed out. However it gave no answers. I was told today that we had a "normal genetic male".
It was a boy. A little boy.
I knew I would cry no matter which it was. But before it was "a baby" - a bit in the abstract, if you will. Now it's just so concrete. We were pregnant with a little version mix of Jeff and I that would have been a boy. And therefore it brings the pain back up fresh.
I don't know if I should feel glad to know there was nothing genetically wrong - meaning therefore if we cycle again with IVF we don't have to worry about PGD testing (and costs) or be sad that there is no reason (anti body or genetic) reason why the fuck this happened, so therefore there is no precaution we can take next time to avoid it. I'm feeling both of those at the same time.
I did do a few of the other things I had on my to do list but can't find the strength to bother to vacuum or do the dishes or plan dinner for tonight. Instead I think I will ignore it, take a nap, and get take out. I have not told Jeff yet because it doesn't seem like something he should hear over the phone at work when I can tell him when he gets home. Yet again the news and emotions it brings is sheerly exhausting.
Friday, January 10, 2014
I am an ostrich. But one with a theme song.
So I just read one of the blogs I follow. And she mentioned she's a runner from problems (both literally and figuratively) and it made me think of an analogy for myself. I myself am NOT a runner - in any way, shape or form.
I am an ostrich.
I stick my head in the sand, hoping the world disappears. I ignore a problem, or pretend it doesn't exist. OK, OK - not about everything but that's me currently. I don't want to think about if we'll cycle ever again. I don't want to think about "Should I look for a new job since the reason I've kept it these last two years was for that small amount of coverage we've now blown through". I don't want to think about how we'll pay for it and a house if we decide to go ahead and cycle. I don't want to think about what if we're never parents. I don't want to think about learning from the genetic testing if it was a boy or a girl. I don't want to think about ANY of it! I just want to shut off all those thoughts in my brain. So I do. I read books to take me away from it. I watch mindless TV. I don't talk about it.
The problem with being an ostrich? Every now and then I pull my head out of the sand and am overwhelmed by what we're facing. Or I see a fictional couple on TV go through childbirth (darn Castle episode had me crying that a couple had a baby and we don't...fictional characters people. Geez!). I had put my head in the sand about what might happen returning to work after being off almost two weeks from the miscarriage. So then I was caught off guard after two hours of everyone treating me normally but not talking about it- when out of the blue my boss's boss said to me "How was your New Years?" BOOM. "I turned and said "Seriously?! Well that's the day I passed my baby so it was pretty much the worst day of my life. Thanks for bringing it up." And then went into a room and cried for five minutes. Yeah, pretty sure she feels like crap now. All she could stammer out was "I'm sorry, I forgot." Yeah.
But I had told myself I needed a song to help get me through this (for some reason I've done this all through life. I have tons of songs that remind me of struggles or triumphs in life. Even ones that remind me of my losses). But this time I needed an anthem. A fighting song. A song to get me through the day. I even posted on TTCAL on TB that I needed a "I can get through the day". And then five minutes later I saw a video one of my friends posted. It's for cancer patients and it's really beautiful and inspirational. And I feel guilty for then turning it into "this applies to me"...because hell, I have five friends who are currently personally living with cancer themselves (All between 30-45). I am by NO means saying their struggle for life is harder then my struggle with my wanting to be a mother or my dead child. Not at all! I know to be thankful for what I have and that there's always someone fighting a worse battle. That being said, it's now linked in my head as my IF and Loss survivor song as of yesterday. Strangely it's Kelly Clarkson's "People Like Us". Below are the majority of the lyrics. Sing along all those who are still in the depth of our version of hell. (And if you or someone you know is fighting to kick cancer's ass - go find that video and share.) Much love to my friends Pulga, Siobahn, Krista, Arlene, and Jerry.
Hey… everybody loses it,
Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes
And hey… yeah I know what you're going through
Don't let it get the best of you, you'll make it out alive
Oh
People like us, we've gotta stick together
Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever
Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
Hey, this is not a funeral
It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage
Just wait, everything will be okay
Even when you're feeling like it's going down in flames
Oh
People like us, we've gotta stick together
Keep your head up nothing lasts forever
Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
You've just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me
This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed
So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare
Tonight we're gonna change forever
I am an ostrich.
I stick my head in the sand, hoping the world disappears. I ignore a problem, or pretend it doesn't exist. OK, OK - not about everything but that's me currently. I don't want to think about if we'll cycle ever again. I don't want to think about "Should I look for a new job since the reason I've kept it these last two years was for that small amount of coverage we've now blown through". I don't want to think about how we'll pay for it and a house if we decide to go ahead and cycle. I don't want to think about what if we're never parents. I don't want to think about learning from the genetic testing if it was a boy or a girl. I don't want to think about ANY of it! I just want to shut off all those thoughts in my brain. So I do. I read books to take me away from it. I watch mindless TV. I don't talk about it.
The problem with being an ostrich? Every now and then I pull my head out of the sand and am overwhelmed by what we're facing. Or I see a fictional couple on TV go through childbirth (darn Castle episode had me crying that a couple had a baby and we don't...fictional characters people. Geez!). I had put my head in the sand about what might happen returning to work after being off almost two weeks from the miscarriage. So then I was caught off guard after two hours of everyone treating me normally but not talking about it- when out of the blue my boss's boss said to me "How was your New Years?" BOOM. "I turned and said "Seriously?! Well that's the day I passed my baby so it was pretty much the worst day of my life. Thanks for bringing it up." And then went into a room and cried for five minutes. Yeah, pretty sure she feels like crap now. All she could stammer out was "I'm sorry, I forgot." Yeah.
But I had told myself I needed a song to help get me through this (for some reason I've done this all through life. I have tons of songs that remind me of struggles or triumphs in life. Even ones that remind me of my losses). But this time I needed an anthem. A fighting song. A song to get me through the day. I even posted on TTCAL on TB that I needed a "I can get through the day". And then five minutes later I saw a video one of my friends posted. It's for cancer patients and it's really beautiful and inspirational. And I feel guilty for then turning it into "this applies to me"...because hell, I have five friends who are currently personally living with cancer themselves (All between 30-45). I am by NO means saying their struggle for life is harder then my struggle with my wanting to be a mother or my dead child. Not at all! I know to be thankful for what I have and that there's always someone fighting a worse battle. That being said, it's now linked in my head as my IF and Loss survivor song as of yesterday. Strangely it's Kelly Clarkson's "People Like Us". Below are the majority of the lyrics. Sing along all those who are still in the depth of our version of hell. (And if you or someone you know is fighting to kick cancer's ass - go find that video and share.) Much love to my friends Pulga, Siobahn, Krista, Arlene, and Jerry.
Hey… everybody loses it,
Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes
And hey… yeah I know what you're going through
Don't let it get the best of you, you'll make it out alive
Oh
People like us, we've gotta stick together
Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever
Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
Hey, this is not a funeral
It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage
Just wait, everything will be okay
Even when you're feeling like it's going down in flames
Oh
People like us, we've gotta stick together
Keep your head up nothing lasts forever
Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
You've just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me
This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed
So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare
Tonight we're gonna change forever
Monday, January 6, 2014
The sit and wait game
So as I said in my last blog, I had to take two rounds of cytotec - one on Tuesday and another on Friday since my lining was still 10mm. You know what it is now? 9.6. Umm, yeah the second round produced almost nothing. Like so little it's a joke. The U/S tech and nurse both agreed that Dr. Jacobs doesn't put people on the drug a third time. (Thank goodness!) And I was told my lining looked less "solid" on the ultrasound - whatever the heck that means.
HCG levels. So the day we learned of the MMC (Dec. 27th, 11 days ago) my HCG was around 30,000. A week later on Friday Jan 3rd it was down to 2,300. Three days after that (today Mon Jan 6th) it's down to 564. So the doc's opinion is to just "see what it does". They expect if it keeps this straight nose dive that I will get a "fairly heavy bleed" once it's back to zero. The only need to do anything is if it goes "funky" and either plateau's or goes up for some odd reason. At the rate it's going, when I have my follow up next Wednesday it should be between 20 and zero (please let it be zero so I don't have to keep going in).
The three antibodies they test for to see if it attacked the pregnancy came back negative. I asked which three they test for and she said the "most common three" and named them but of course I can't remember them since they're serious medical terms only someone that's heard them often would remember.
I was reminded by the nurse that the counselor (psychiatrist) is available for phone sessions but I think if I do that it will be a little later when I know more and can talk alone. Not that I *can't* talk about this stuff around Jeff - but I think to really work through it without having to think about what he's hearing and how affects him and having to then have almost two sessions one with her, then talk again to him. Not that I won't do that anyway... but it can be on my own time and what I chose to share as opposed to everything.
And the nurse also reminded me that eventually I'll need to have another talk with Dr. Jacobs to decide where we go from here. When I reminded her that we'll be back again to out of pocket after having done so for three years, then this year spend all $7K I got in coverage between late Sept and mid November on the IVF/FETs that I don't know if we will do anything more she hugged me and said "Well, you should just hear about it anyway so you can make an informed decision." Yeah, I know. But I'll wait until the genetic testing comes back from the lab thanks since we can't make any kind of decisions until after March at the earliest.
My thought process here I'm just free writing (so do not hold me to anything in the future) but it really all depends on Jeff's bonus that he gets in March. My thought is I'm tired of putting off buying a house every frickin year in case we need to use that money for a down payment. But we had two outstanding 401 loans up until Sept this year. One was from before Jeff and I were married that he took out and the second was for 10K to pay for a huge chunk of our wedding. We finally paid off the earlier one thus we were able to take out another. THAT 401K loan then paid off the one from our wedding and our OOP $5K for the cycle and paid off some more bills. So now we got rid of those first two and only have this new one. Technically we can take out a second one, in the amount we'd need for either a down payment or almost enough to cycle. This could pay for a cycle or for a down payment. Not both. But if his bonus is a healthy amount then we *might* be able to do both (but then again we might just be a few grand shy). But a large part of me wants to wait until we've gotten a house. Our rental Townhouse that we'll have been in for six year (OMG has it really been that long?) come beginning of March is up in May (because of a deal I worked out in 2012 where by extending our lease for 18 months we got a month free that was not part of the 18 months so we're no longer up in March.) Anyway - even if say we get approved for a home loan in March and find out what we can do for a down payment with his bonus or if we'll need money from a 401k loan to add to it, find a house we love in our price range, work out the closing for May-ish etc. That still put cycling into summer or fall if we have the money. So there is no need to rush the decision because there are clearly factors forcing us to wait. And as they say I shouldn't be making any kind of decisions while still so fresh and raw from the grief. It has only been a week and a half since my entire outlook on the next year changed.
Up until Friday before last I was thinking about how we won't need to get nursery stuff until May/June when we'd be moving. I thought about how it would be tough moving when you're 7 month PG. All kinds of thoughts that I know have to stop thinking. And that sucks fucking hardcore. Yeah, I'm having a hard time screeching to a halt to all those thoughts I had started having. A bad reminder of all of this that comes out of fuckin no where is that song "This is gonna be the best day of my life...my li-i-i-i-i-iiiife!" was becoming popular when I was enjoying being pregnant. I considered it my pregnancy anthem and every time it's been on this past two months I'd sing it so joyfully while driving. Today it came on my radio and I just wanted to take a knife the the radio. How long do you think it will be before I can even think of hearing that song without wanting to destroy the radio? Sigh....
HCG levels. So the day we learned of the MMC (Dec. 27th, 11 days ago) my HCG was around 30,000. A week later on Friday Jan 3rd it was down to 2,300. Three days after that (today Mon Jan 6th) it's down to 564. So the doc's opinion is to just "see what it does". They expect if it keeps this straight nose dive that I will get a "fairly heavy bleed" once it's back to zero. The only need to do anything is if it goes "funky" and either plateau's or goes up for some odd reason. At the rate it's going, when I have my follow up next Wednesday it should be between 20 and zero (please let it be zero so I don't have to keep going in).
The three antibodies they test for to see if it attacked the pregnancy came back negative. I asked which three they test for and she said the "most common three" and named them but of course I can't remember them since they're serious medical terms only someone that's heard them often would remember.
I was reminded by the nurse that the counselor (psychiatrist) is available for phone sessions but I think if I do that it will be a little later when I know more and can talk alone. Not that I *can't* talk about this stuff around Jeff - but I think to really work through it without having to think about what he's hearing and how affects him and having to then have almost two sessions one with her, then talk again to him. Not that I won't do that anyway... but it can be on my own time and what I chose to share as opposed to everything.
And the nurse also reminded me that eventually I'll need to have another talk with Dr. Jacobs to decide where we go from here. When I reminded her that we'll be back again to out of pocket after having done so for three years, then this year spend all $7K I got in coverage between late Sept and mid November on the IVF/FETs that I don't know if we will do anything more she hugged me and said "Well, you should just hear about it anyway so you can make an informed decision." Yeah, I know. But I'll wait until the genetic testing comes back from the lab thanks since we can't make any kind of decisions until after March at the earliest.
My thought process here I'm just free writing (so do not hold me to anything in the future) but it really all depends on Jeff's bonus that he gets in March. My thought is I'm tired of putting off buying a house every frickin year in case we need to use that money for a down payment. But we had two outstanding 401 loans up until Sept this year. One was from before Jeff and I were married that he took out and the second was for 10K to pay for a huge chunk of our wedding. We finally paid off the earlier one thus we were able to take out another. THAT 401K loan then paid off the one from our wedding and our OOP $5K for the cycle and paid off some more bills. So now we got rid of those first two and only have this new one. Technically we can take out a second one, in the amount we'd need for either a down payment or almost enough to cycle. This could pay for a cycle or for a down payment. Not both. But if his bonus is a healthy amount then we *might* be able to do both (but then again we might just be a few grand shy). But a large part of me wants to wait until we've gotten a house. Our rental Townhouse that we'll have been in for six year (OMG has it really been that long?) come beginning of March is up in May (because of a deal I worked out in 2012 where by extending our lease for 18 months we got a month free that was not part of the 18 months so we're no longer up in March.) Anyway - even if say we get approved for a home loan in March and find out what we can do for a down payment with his bonus or if we'll need money from a 401k loan to add to it, find a house we love in our price range, work out the closing for May-ish etc. That still put cycling into summer or fall if we have the money. So there is no need to rush the decision because there are clearly factors forcing us to wait. And as they say I shouldn't be making any kind of decisions while still so fresh and raw from the grief. It has only been a week and a half since my entire outlook on the next year changed.
Up until Friday before last I was thinking about how we won't need to get nursery stuff until May/June when we'd be moving. I thought about how it would be tough moving when you're 7 month PG. All kinds of thoughts that I know have to stop thinking. And that sucks fucking hardcore. Yeah, I'm having a hard time screeching to a halt to all those thoughts I had started having. A bad reminder of all of this that comes out of fuckin no where is that song "This is gonna be the best day of my life...my li-i-i-i-i-iiiife!" was becoming popular when I was enjoying being pregnant. I considered it my pregnancy anthem and every time it's been on this past two months I'd sing it so joyfully while driving. Today it came on my radio and I just wanted to take a knife the the radio. How long do you think it will be before I can even think of hearing that song without wanting to destroy the radio? Sigh....
Saturday, January 4, 2014
My experience with Cytotec (misoprostol)
As I read so many of these personal stories to know what to expect, I feel it's only fair to pass on what I went through for others. As it's true - every woman is different and so while some similarities it was a bit different.
I was told to take four pills (200mg each) vaginally all at once (some people take two at first and then more while some are told to take them orally dissolving between cheek and gum). From searching the internet it appears I was told to take such a high dose all at once and vaginally because of how far along I was (8w3d when finding the missed miscarriage) and the fact that I had not started to miscarry on my own at all.
So I took the four pills at 2:30pm on New Years Eve (Tuesday). At the same time I took one of the pain pills (Tylenol #3 with codeine), a zofran for anti nausea, and two antibiotics (azithromycin). After an hour I noticed my heart appeared to be pounding in my chest but my pulse was not quicker. It's just an odd feeling to feel your heart beating hard. I was worried it was from the azithromycin since I'm allergic to erythromycin, which is a cousin drug. So I email my RE and he told me to just not take those pills and monitor the situation. But I had barely any cramping the first two hours.
Hour three-four. Some cramping that were similar to a really bad period, but nothing to write home about.
Hour four-six. Worst pain of my life. No way to mince words here. I spent most of these two hours laying on our bathroom floor naked writhing in pain and either moaning or swearing with my eyes clenched shut. I got so hot and Jeff had to keep cooling off wash clothes for me and eventually just got me an ice pack. I felt twice as if I might pass out (you know the drunk world spinning feeling?) and three times I thought I might puke. But I didn't do either. At some point in here I was able to take my temp (as I was supposed to go to ER if it got above 101). It was 99.7.
Suddenly the pain lessened so I thought by what I had read that maybe I had passed the sac. But no - all I had was very very light spotting when I wiped. Then I got very cold. Very very cold. Jeff wrapped me up in five blankets as I lay on our bed breathing through the remaining pain. I spent half an hour like this just lowly moaning. My temp was 96.4 - how is that possible? It was just 99.7! This freaked me out a bit. Then the greatest idea I've ever had came to me - hot shower! Jeff started the shower and I climbed into heaven. OMG. However, I turned the shower to as hot as it would go, and after half an hour letting the hot water pour over me I realized my skin was bright red and perhaps I could not regulate my temperature or realize how hot the water was (also kind of scarey in it's own way). So I got out. But mercifully at this point the pain was almost all gone and I was no longer cold so I still believe it was the best idea.
By the time I got out it was five and a half hours into the drug. I finally started having a light flow. But had almost no pain from 7:30 on. Went to sleep finally at 2:30 in the morning (seemed as if the drugs possibly make you wide awake). Woke up at 5:10 am needing to pee, and when I did suddenly I could feel something passing through my body about the size of one of those bouncy balls that you would have if you ever played Jacks as a kid. I went and got the collection cup (yes we decided to collect), put on the rubber glove and pulled my gestational sac and child from the toilet. It was as they described and if you are going through this you can find other sights to tell you what to look for as I don't have the heart to write it out here. But I will say it didn't hurt, passing my child. Just a very distinct feeling of something coming out.
Jeff woke up from me opening and closing door and could see my face as I broke into crying. He comforted me for a little while and I stayed up for two hours before the emotional and physical exhaustion overwhelmed me and I feel asleep on the couch for four hours.
All this to say I only had two hours of pain, although they were severe. And that I had barely any bleeding the entire time. Didn't even fill one pad and within 24 hours I was back to almost non-existent spotting. This worried me - and with some reason. On Friday - three days after having taken the drug - I had an U/S that confirmed I had passed the sac but that my lining was still 10mm. It is supposed to be around 2-4mm. So I was given a refill and told to take the drugs again. No! I didn't want to go through that again.
This time I started the drug at 4:15pm on Friday (again 4 pills) only it's now 19 hours later. Nearly no pain (good) but also no bleeding (bad). So here I sit worried that Monday's ultrasound will show no difference and I might need a D&C. I've been off work for a week now. And because of having to go into the doctor again on Monday my store said they'd cover my shifts no problem Monday and Tuesday and since I have my usual Wednesday off will not have to go into work until Thursday. Jeff took Monday off, worked a half day from home on Tuesday (having the half day and holiday Wednesday off) and ended up taking off Thursday and Friday but he really needs to go back to work now.
This is going to be a looong weekend. And it's a winter storm weekend. We've already gotten a foot of snow over the four days here in NW Chicagoland and we're supposed to get 2-6 more inches and Monday the high, the HIGH is negative 8. Super. Holed up inside with television and books. Not that I wanted to go out this past week, yet I'm starting to feel like I'm swimming in my grief in this house and would like to go out if only to get more food. Now I'm just rambling. I will update again after Monday.
I was told to take four pills (200mg each) vaginally all at once (some people take two at first and then more while some are told to take them orally dissolving between cheek and gum). From searching the internet it appears I was told to take such a high dose all at once and vaginally because of how far along I was (8w3d when finding the missed miscarriage) and the fact that I had not started to miscarry on my own at all.
So I took the four pills at 2:30pm on New Years Eve (Tuesday). At the same time I took one of the pain pills (Tylenol #3 with codeine), a zofran for anti nausea, and two antibiotics (azithromycin). After an hour I noticed my heart appeared to be pounding in my chest but my pulse was not quicker. It's just an odd feeling to feel your heart beating hard. I was worried it was from the azithromycin since I'm allergic to erythromycin, which is a cousin drug. So I email my RE and he told me to just not take those pills and monitor the situation. But I had barely any cramping the first two hours.
Hour three-four. Some cramping that were similar to a really bad period, but nothing to write home about.
Hour four-six. Worst pain of my life. No way to mince words here. I spent most of these two hours laying on our bathroom floor naked writhing in pain and either moaning or swearing with my eyes clenched shut. I got so hot and Jeff had to keep cooling off wash clothes for me and eventually just got me an ice pack. I felt twice as if I might pass out (you know the drunk world spinning feeling?) and three times I thought I might puke. But I didn't do either. At some point in here I was able to take my temp (as I was supposed to go to ER if it got above 101). It was 99.7.
Suddenly the pain lessened so I thought by what I had read that maybe I had passed the sac. But no - all I had was very very light spotting when I wiped. Then I got very cold. Very very cold. Jeff wrapped me up in five blankets as I lay on our bed breathing through the remaining pain. I spent half an hour like this just lowly moaning. My temp was 96.4 - how is that possible? It was just 99.7! This freaked me out a bit. Then the greatest idea I've ever had came to me - hot shower! Jeff started the shower and I climbed into heaven. OMG. However, I turned the shower to as hot as it would go, and after half an hour letting the hot water pour over me I realized my skin was bright red and perhaps I could not regulate my temperature or realize how hot the water was (also kind of scarey in it's own way). So I got out. But mercifully at this point the pain was almost all gone and I was no longer cold so I still believe it was the best idea.
By the time I got out it was five and a half hours into the drug. I finally started having a light flow. But had almost no pain from 7:30 on. Went to sleep finally at 2:30 in the morning (seemed as if the drugs possibly make you wide awake). Woke up at 5:10 am needing to pee, and when I did suddenly I could feel something passing through my body about the size of one of those bouncy balls that you would have if you ever played Jacks as a kid. I went and got the collection cup (yes we decided to collect), put on the rubber glove and pulled my gestational sac and child from the toilet. It was as they described and if you are going through this you can find other sights to tell you what to look for as I don't have the heart to write it out here. But I will say it didn't hurt, passing my child. Just a very distinct feeling of something coming out.
Jeff woke up from me opening and closing door and could see my face as I broke into crying. He comforted me for a little while and I stayed up for two hours before the emotional and physical exhaustion overwhelmed me and I feel asleep on the couch for four hours.
All this to say I only had two hours of pain, although they were severe. And that I had barely any bleeding the entire time. Didn't even fill one pad and within 24 hours I was back to almost non-existent spotting. This worried me - and with some reason. On Friday - three days after having taken the drug - I had an U/S that confirmed I had passed the sac but that my lining was still 10mm. It is supposed to be around 2-4mm. So I was given a refill and told to take the drugs again. No! I didn't want to go through that again.
This time I started the drug at 4:15pm on Friday (again 4 pills) only it's now 19 hours later. Nearly no pain (good) but also no bleeding (bad). So here I sit worried that Monday's ultrasound will show no difference and I might need a D&C. I've been off work for a week now. And because of having to go into the doctor again on Monday my store said they'd cover my shifts no problem Monday and Tuesday and since I have my usual Wednesday off will not have to go into work until Thursday. Jeff took Monday off, worked a half day from home on Tuesday (having the half day and holiday Wednesday off) and ended up taking off Thursday and Friday but he really needs to go back to work now.
This is going to be a looong weekend. And it's a winter storm weekend. We've already gotten a foot of snow over the four days here in NW Chicagoland and we're supposed to get 2-6 more inches and Monday the high, the HIGH is negative 8. Super. Holed up inside with television and books. Not that I wanted to go out this past week, yet I'm starting to feel like I'm swimming in my grief in this house and would like to go out if only to get more food. Now I'm just rambling. I will update again after Monday.
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