It's Go time 2013

So I know in the past (ahem 2011 and 2012) I would look back at how bad I felt the year was and how the next year *better* be better.  Not this year...I'm changing my attitude.  I'm going to remember all the greatness that was 2012 and I ask 2013 to be just as good if not better!

So 2012.  I loved the calm that I felt throughout much of the year.  I felt confidant enough to request a promotion at work and got one - yeah me!  I hated it the first month and wondered if I had made a mistake - but I told myself "Give it three months, then decide" because traditionally in my previous jobs I've always hated the first few months because I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.  Well, now I enjoy it much more than what I was doing before.  So glad I had confidence in myself and learned from my past to not react too quickly.

And I felt calm knowing we had to take another long break.  I knew from 2011 that the time would eventually pass...and a lot quicker than I thought it would.  I took that knowledge from 2011 and applied it to 2012.  And so this year's break has gone by much better.  And I spent personal time to come closer to terms with the idea of living child free.  And then took the next step of admitting out loud to people that 2013 will be our last year of trying (even enough so that I put it in our Christmas letter!).  Brave? Maybe.  But I like that I put it out there so that it will lessen questions.  AND remind myself I can do this if need be.

I took full reigns of the 5 and 10K run for Founders.  And while there were some bumps everyone said it went off well.  And I learned things to improve on for next year.  I'm happy to become more involved in this volunteer event that is so much a part of Jeff and my life.

I'm fucking thrilled that Jeff and I got to take a vacation!  And not just one - but we took a day-cation in spring, and few afternoon getaway day-dates in the summer and fall.  I think it's made us more relaxed in general and closer.  Must be sure to repeat this step for 2013.

Which reminds me - trying new things!   We tried golfing together as one of our day dates.  We made a few new recipes, and we made drunk gummie bears.  And every single time we enjoyed the results.  We do not have to just always do the same old same old.  You CAN teach these old dogs some new tricks!

So 2013 - it's go time!  I want to enjoy life as much as I did this year. And more!  More new things, more time together, more confidence, more thinking positively!   I can't wait to see what you have in store for the Juice-ski's this year.

Holiday Traditions Quiz

Since last year I gave you all a tour of me through my Christmas tree I thought this year warrants a holiday post of some kind.  Missie at Growing up Geeky has her "Toddle along Tuesday" topics each week with a blog hop for moms.  Since I am not a mom, I don't participate but several times her topic brings thoughts to mind of either my child hood, or what I'll do when I'm a mother.  One of the people linked up in her blog hop had this list and I thought it pertains to anyone so without further ado....a little on my thoughts on holiday traditions through a quiz (because really, who doesn't like silly quizzes?)

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?   Hot Chocolate.  I think because I was allergic to milk as a child I can't get behind the thickness of egg nog.  This year I tried an Egg Nog latte from Starbucks since Jeff is such a big fan but no dice - don't even like it in latte form.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?   When I was a kid, my mom would wrap Santa gifts in a totally different paper than the family gifts (because duh, the elves wrap them).  I remember the last year I believed in Santa it was ET paper and I thought it was cool.  Funny what stands out in your mind.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?   For some reason, I'm very partial...colored lights for the tree but I have white lights for outside (but currently our only outside lights are on two 3 foot trees on either side of our front door.  But if we add more to the collection I want to keep them white because I think it looks more classic sophisticated.
4. Do you hang mistletoe?  We don't have any mistletoe here, but my mother has had the same real mistle toe for over 35 years.  How it's not crumbled to pieces is beyond me.  I just read here the other day that druids (who Christianity has stolen the symbol of the tree and mistletoe from in trying to convert pagans) anyway, the druids viewed mistletoe as the cure for infertility and infused it into a drink to make barren animals (and humans) fertile.  Kind of makes this cray-cray infertile want to go find some mistletoe! LOL 
5. When do you put your decorations up? Usually the day after thanksgiving.  But with retail work these past three years I do it whenever I have a day off after black Friday.  This year is was the Sunday and Monday after.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish?   The Christmas Morning Kringle!!  Being of some German genes this was something this diabetic let her self actually eat.  It is a big danish thing that we usually bought on the Wisconsin boarder because it was the easiest place to find it.  (My mom has much more trouble getting one now that they live in Oklahoma).  OMG I love it with sausage and *super* eggs (like a loaded omelette only in scrambled form which is my families tradition breakfast after opening gifts.)
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child?  The first year my grandmother came to spend Christmas with us after grandpa died.  She opened a Pepperidge farm sausage from my uncle and she said "I told Tommy I was lonley, but I'm not *This* lonely!"  I was 12 or 13 and thought it was hilarious that my grandma made a dildo joke at Christmas....only my family!  Got love her RIP.   That or the year that my other grandma sent me a cookskin hat and I cried "They had to kill two animals to make this!!"  And she felt so bad because she was the one that sent me a subscription to Wildlife magazine for kids.  She's like "I should have known I had made her an animal lover."  I never ever wore it but it's been the butt of jokes for years!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?  I learned when I was five years old Christmas morning, because we had secretly found a bike for me hidden in the garage behind big sheet boards and kept quiet about it thinking it was for my birthday or Christmas from my parents.  But Christmas morning there was a tag on it saying it was from Santa.  And I was like "this isn't from Santa  it was in the garage two weeks ago!"  My parents tried to cover it up by saying Santa hid it there because there's only so much room on his sleigh but I knew the jig was up.  My mom felt very guilty for a few years that they didn't think of a better hiding spot or that they didn't keep it at a neighbors house or something.  
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We open one gift on the eve (after church) and then the rest in the morning.  For some reason, my mother always insisted that the gift had to be from someone who wasn't there (the coonskin cap was one...it was squishy so I really thought it was going to be a stuffed animal.  I was so upset they let me open one more that year LOL.  Only year I was able to open two.)
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?   My mom gives us an ornament every year.  Jeff's family didn't do this,  So our tree is covered with all of my ornaments and the one's Jeff's gotten from my mom the last four years.  And we have three ornaments that are joint ornaments.  But most are my penguin collection (like 28 out of 50 or something).  
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Growing up in Chicago - I have a love/hate relationship.  I love the first snowfall over a few inches!  But then by mid January I'm like "I am so over this crap!"  But last year we didn't even get snow until mid January and so far this year - none.  It just doesn't feel like winter or Christmas yet.  Really hope we have at least a little bit of snow before the holiday hits.
12. Can you ice skate?  Yes, but not very well and I have not in years.  When I was a kid, since my birthday is a week before Christmas my mother made me do this for my birthday outing with friends for like four years in a row (I think because it was easier than having a house full of kids).  So I grew to hate having a winter birthday and limited choices.  If I ever have a winter baby I will make sure I come up with fun ideas and never push my child into something they don't like.  (((Rant over)))
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Honestly? No I don't.  I've had several gifts that toughed me or were creative.  But nothing stands out as "the best!"  
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Spending time with family.  I see mine only once a year and for Christmas it's only every other year so it's very special for me.  But even when it's Jeff's families year for Christmas I love seeing everyone together and picking out perfect gifts for everyone.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?  Since I can't have much sugar (but I can be a bad girl esp. during the holidays) I have to stick with the Kringle or my birthday cake (which I know is not a holiday dessert but for me it kinda is...)
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?   For my family, it's putting on the album "John Denver and the Muppets" Christmas CD while decorating the tree.  For Jeff's family - it's going to the tree farm to pick out his parents tree and getting the fresh cinnamon doughnuts.  
17. What tops your tree?   Our tree has a glass ornament that broke the year I got my first tree as an adult.  I didn't have a topper so I stuck it on top because then you don't realize the bottom is actually broke.  It's a totem pole of three penguins with Santa hats on.  And since my tree is so penguin-centric it really fits.  But I have a feeling once we have a little one, Jeff and I should get a star or angel to go on top to represent his religion better.  For now, he humors me.
18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?   Can't it be both??  I love picking out the perfect gift.  I spent hours scouring the internet (and sshhh!  I think I found Jeff something awesome!  His favorite book is the Dark Tower series from Stephan King but there is almost nothing on the internet except for the book...but after much searching I found t shirts by an artist on a site called redbubble.  He will LOVE it!  The rest of his gifts are just OK but this is so specific to HIM)  But I also love gifts for me when they're well thought out.  Most of what I get is stuff I've asked for, so when someone puts their own thoughts into it based on who I am really touches me.
19. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum?  Eh, I usually have one a year.  Not much of a fan but again it's because I really shouldn't have then and didn't as a watched over child.  
20. Favorite Christmas show? Movie?   Tie between National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and Bill Murray's Scrooged.
21. Saddest Christmas song?   I guess Elvis' "Blue Christmas"
22. What is your favorite Christmas song?   Brenda Lee's "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" and the Muppet's "Little Saint Nick" (with Dr. Teeth and Animal being the main characters singing the song LOL)

Ridiculousness - Stop yourself!

So there are several phrases that Jeff uses often that living together in marital bliss I've picked up over the past five years of living together.  One of them is "Stop yourself".  He says it when someone starts getting a little ridiculous.  Example:  If I tell him I'm dying from being tickled, I get this response.   

Well, right now I feel the world is being a little ridiculous.  Sadly, he again got passed over for a well deserved promotion for someone less qualified.  I don't know if it's that he comes off as egotistical in interviews or that since he's doing the work of four people making him too valuable to loose that is behind it. But seriously people - stop yourself.  Realize that my man is the smartest person I've ever frinkin' met.  If sometimes he comes off a little egotistical or smug it's because he's got a right to be.  Because he's amazing!

Then there's my company. Tar.get.  Opening at 9pm on Thanksgiving?!? STOP YOURSELF!  You call yourself a "community focused company"?  Then act like it!  Let families in our community spend the holiday with their family's  not filling their evening either working or standing in the cold to get a deal they could have gotten Friday if you'd opened on Friday like years past.  When did black Friday become Thursday?  (*answer two years ago when other retailers started doing this*)  Don't be a follower.  Be a leader.  Lead the industry back to responsible practices.  Now, thankfully I don't have to work it until noon on Friday, but damnit it's the frickin' principle.  Just because I lucked out on scheduling doesn't mean the 100 workers at my store that will be there at 8pm in prep of doors opening will not be missing out.

And of course, the ridiculousness that is IF.  Causing several of my eFriends heartache from not being able to become parents and making the holiday season filled with tears instead of happiness as the holidays should be.  Stop Yourself!!  Come on Universe, you owe us!  We've been given the shitty hand long enough.  Can you deal us into the game without the loaded deck of crap?  We've been playing at this table long enough that statistically you'd think we'd get a winning hand at some point!  I hate to see my girls (and my heart) breaking for something that is supposed to be so damn simple.

But tomorrow is Thanksgiving...so let me take a few minutes from my rant to remember what I am thankful for.  My husband; as I've already stated is amazing.  I can't begin to describe the wonderfulness of him.  Doing dishes, laundry, etc is sweet - especially when I'm working.  Making me laugh every single day with his jokes and tickle-fests makes me appreciate every day with him.  But how much he cares for me when I'm sick, sad or in pain is what really shows his love for me.  I take for granted the little things sometimes until he does something big...and I try not to do that.  I love every moment with him.

My family.  Even my in laws.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful group to call family.  They truely love me for who I am.  And we have almost no drama.  I am blessed to have such a calm support system and can't explain how much they mean to me in words.

And my close friends.  To me, they are family too.  I have as many (if not more) picture of them in frames around my house because while we may not see each other as much anymore seeing their smiling faces brings me peace.  And I feel loved.  

My eFriends - you girls really are my strength in the world of IF and even just in the arena of being a married woman.  It's amazing how busy life gets that I am happy to connect to the world this way.  Different perspective from around the country, hell around the globe brings me back to remembering that as a human race we have so much more in common that differences.  It may be sappy, but it's strengthens my belief in humanity.  Thank you.

And finally, my health and job.  While I might yell and curse you both sometimes....I am reminded to be thankful for you both.  This past year of learning of friends, eFriends, and family dealing with poor health and job losses has made a lump in my stomach that doesn't ever go away.  I hope that while nothing I do is enough, that the small comforts I can provide them with a hug, words of encouragement, or just being there as someone to listen helps them even a little.  I am so thankful that you're all here, and hope for improvements in the year to come.

Vegas Trip ... a look back

So Jeff and I flew off to Vegas the day after his birthday.  It was so nice to have 3 days off work (Fri, Sat and most of Sunday) before catching the evening flight out.  The house was clean and laundry done before we left and plenty of time to lay around and relax and enjoy his birthday before vaca.

Our flight out of Rockford was an hour delayed but funny because it was our first time not flying out of O'Hare.  Rockford is very tiny and we called it the Home depot airport because honestly it's smaller than your average Home Depot.  And the "international" terminal I named the Feed Store because it was a metal shed really. But anyways...we landed in Vegas and got to our hotel about 11:30 Vegas time.  So we spent the next three hours just in our casino (Bally's) and the casino attached (Paris) before finally getting to sleep around 3am.

Waking up at 8am we hit the ground running.  We went for a quick buffet breakfast and decided to venture into just the middle part of the strip since we were staying there and had plans for lunch at Cesear's.  So we hit Bill's Gambling Hall and Casino, the Flamingo, Bellagio's, Cesear's and the Mirage.  In the middle of the day as planned we headed to Mesa Grill in Cesear's....this is Bobby Flay's restaurant.  If you watch the food network at all or the Today show you know who Bobby is.

OMG I can not describe how delicious this meal was.  I had high hopes and it certainly delivered.  The best of the entire meal was the appetizer we shared.  I had decided before going there that I wanted the smoked chicken and black bean quesadilla's with avocado and creme fraische.  I swear to God, I almost had an orgasm it was that good.  Then for the main dish I had a cornmeal encrusted Chilie Relleno with manchengo cheese.  And of course, a Margarita for a drink.  All so delish!!

For the evening we just stayed close to "home" in Bally's and Paris again and I went to bed at 2am but slept only until 7am.  I wondered if 5 hours is the magic number of hours of sleep in Vegas.

We walked past the fountain pond (no fountains during the day) at Bellagio and went into the "newer" Cosmopolitan.  It really looks in there like Carry Bradshaw was the designer.  I was afraid it was a snootier, younger, hipper place (from their ads) but thankfully at 9am we fit in fine.  Did see a few girls doing the walk of shame into the hotel hahahaha.  Jeff and I walked out of there up a little but then headed to the Aria where I then proceeded to lose it but Jeff continued to win.  So we moved on to the Monte Carlo, and then New York, New York.  We held our own and had some fun but were on a mission to make it the whole south strip so walked on to Excalibur and Luxor - again to gain and lose a little.  Finally we got to the last casino on the west side of the street....Mandalay Bay where we decided to play a little before heading to that day's destination Minus 5 (more on this soon).  It was a great place to play for me, because Jeff decided he wanted to play at one of those big Wheel of Fortune games and I won $200! Woohoo.  And this is when I decided we'd buy a picture when we went to Minus 5.


Now, before we had left - for months, Jeff has been playing a facebook game called "My Vegas" where you earn points playing a game for free that you can then change into real activities in Vegas.  He had earned enough points for one free entry and two free drinks at the ice bar Minus Five.  So we went to redeem it only to realize we had left the code for his points in the hotel room (Noooooo!) but they were able to find them at the rewards booth and gave us a voucher for $70.  ((More than he had earned! He'd only earned $54)) So we headed to the Bar that's in the mall just outside the casino.  They had never seen that voucher before but said they'd honor it and even did a little better...they gave us two free entries and four free drinks ($74 plus tax value).  Sweet!  So we got into the Ugg-like boots, gloves and calf length parka (with our legs bar from wearing shorts in the warm 88 degree Vegas weather).

Inside Minus 5 is amazing!  Everything is made of ice (except the floor).  Even the chandeliers that look like glass are ice.  As well as the bar, the benches (which are covered with faux fur pelts) and all the carvings inside.  There was a woman's bust (her actual bust, not artsy like a bust of the head) that was an ice sculptor for getting shots out of her nipples.  Even the glass you're drinking out of is made of ice.  This is why it's a vodka bar since it will not freeze at 31 degrees Fahrenheit (minus five Celsius, thus the name).  We posed for three pictures and had our two drinks each - one of which I really want to really want to recreate.  It's called a Snowflake.  It has mango flavored vodka, pineapple and orange juice. YUMMY!  But two drinks is all you really want to be in there.  Because while there is no wind or moisture, it still starts to feel a little cold after half an hour (at least on the bare legs).

Afterwards we picked the one picture we wanted to pay for and I stole the other two by using my camera phone and the internet.  I really love the one we bought and don't care that the other two are not as great quality from photographing a computer screen. So please ignore the "do not copy" as I just really want to show off the bar and one sculpture.

After than we went to the east side of the street and hit the Tropicana and the MGM Grand.  I don't remember much about them...but then I was a bit day-side drunk at this point LOL.  I remember the Trop as being rather plain.  To end a long day we hit Jeff's fav burger joint in the world for diner: Fat Burger!  For a little grease to soak up the alcohol.  We got back to Bally's/Paris where I decided at 8:45 I had enough.  Went upstairs and soaked my legs in a hot bath, and watched TV until 11pm when I finally went to sleep for seven hours!!!...but Jeff had stayed up later than I so I had plenty of time to shower, do the hair and makeup, check up on facebook and my bump girls before heading out for a full day on the north side.

So Wednesday we headed out for another full day... we hit McDonalds for breakfast and stopped in Casino Royal, The Venetian, Wynn, and Encore.  While at the Venetian, I convinced Jeff that since I got to have the best meal of my life we should stop at Emeril Laggase's restaurant for him to repeat what he said was his best...the Lobster Bisque soup he had at a friend's bachelor party over four years ago.  We decided because of cost to just share and app and have the soup instead of a "full meal" there.  And it did deliver on OMG status...but not better than Bobby IMHO.  Next up? Riviera (where we tried to find the escalator they use in both Rainman and Hangover part 1) only to not find it.This is the only escalator we found...it must be hidden somewhere because I swear we looked everywhere. So we crossed the street and hit "Slots o' Fun" and quickly walked  into Circus Circus and decided it was not our kind of place (a dump) but caught a cab out to Rio (off the strip) to play for a few hours and get Day side drunk again off vodka cranberry's.  We again decided grease to soak up the alcohol was the route to go and ate at the Burger King inside and then headed back to our hotel on the free shuttle.


Since we were doing so well maintaining our bank (Up, down, even)...we decided to spend the night casino hoping in our little area but first I insisted on seeing the nightly fountain at Bellagio.  Amazing that water set to song would be so mesmerizing.  Then spent most of the night at Cesears.  Getting six hours sleep and catching breakfast - we only had an hour and a half to play before our shuttle took us back to the airport and home to reality.  We took $200 and played....and thank God we didn't hit that massive losing streak until that last day because I've never seen $125 go so quickly!  But leaving with some money in our pockets, and money in our account we had designated as "Vgas money" felt like a WIN to me. We had so much fun!

Hello back pain my old friend...you've come to give me pain again

So I went to the OB this morning for my not-so-annual pap.  I honestly don't remember when the last one was.  I had to have one before my IUIs started and since they reminded me that I need to have one that is less than a year and a half old to do one so I can't move forward without it.  Since they reminded me this in the spring; I assume it's been a good two years.  Oops.  I never went more than 13 months before facing IF without my annual, but it's like - hey I have a doctor in my crotch every few months, why bother?

Well with my one wacky-ass cycle and being six days late I decided fine.  Get the pap.  If all the HPTs are neg then this will bring it on (either by jinx and I'll have to cancel the appointment or by the scrapping of the cervix saying "wake up in there!").  And if while I'm there I give her my five theories and ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid scan and find out what those spots on my thigh are- all the better.  AND while I'm getting my blood draw take a few extra tubes for those required one's that yet again need to be done since it's been over 18 months since our first IUI (really just rubbing salt in the wound that we've been doing treatments for almost two years come this spring).  Yep, once again I get to have STD tests to prove I'm not cheating on my husband LOL.  We both joked if one of us comes back positive then 'Lucy, you gots some 'splaining to do!'

The bad thing about having an OB do these and not my RE?  Can't get results until tomorrow.  But looks as if I won't need the darn results because a few hours ago I started spotting and now the lower back pain hell has begun.  Here come the sneaky period ninjas to do battle.  The silver lining to all of this?  Now I won't have them join us on the end of our vaca in 16 days. Woohoo! But seriously?!?! A 32 cycle for me? Six days longer than over 40 of my cycles?  It's a statistical anomaly people!!  It's enough to drive this cray-cray girl back to temping if my predictable of predictables is no longer predictable!

Thankfully she told me the spots on my thigh, just ingrown hairs.  She recommended a warm bath every day. HA! I had to inform this woman that me and my bath are close friends.  I take a bath at least five times a week, and on a rare occasion twice in one day.  She said 3 times a day.  First off, for me that's three hours of my day because I take long soaks.  She then said just warm compress will do.  Darn, I was really hoping for medically prescribed prune hands.

So to end this long dribble...I expect all normal info to come tomorrow from my tests.  And a large drink in my hands tomorrow night to ring in the next cycle and drown those period ninjas.

The Eff'd up cycle

I am the very model of a predictable cycler.  I charted for over two and a half years.  Took my temps religiously every morning for a thousand days. (seriously, over a thousand frickin days.)  I stopped because of how reliable it was.  My pre O temps were always below 98.0, my after O temps were always above that and spiked out at 98.6 and the day before my period would nose dive to below 97.9 every time.

I ovulated ever cycle (for 45 cycles now) between cd13 and cd15.  And had an average LP of 12 days.  Making my period arrive at cd24-cd26.

And then this cycle hits.  Since I stopped temping this spring after so much consistency, I assume I ovulated around normal time  - but really I have no evidence to the fact.  And today is cd29.  Three days past when it should have ended.  So I took a home pregnancy test yesterday.  Negative.  And again this morning. Negative.  Based on average, I should be 15dpo - so HPTs should be accurate.  So therefore I do not believe I am pregnant.  But then the swirl of a billion other possibilities run through the brain.

First...on Monday before last....what should have been 7dpo, I had pain near my right ovary that felt like very severe O pain.  I'm talking the kind you get when you've been on a treatment cycle pumped full of FSH drugs with a golf ball size follie.  And I thought; WTF?  I know it's not ovulation at cd21...but maybe it was.  Maybe it was a cyst.  (At the time I even had the fleeting thought maybe it was my appendix).  So **1** there is a possibility that for some odd reason for the first time in 46 cycles I ovulated a whole frickin' week late.  OK, so then period should be here Saturday.  But what if I do have a cyst that is putting out progesterone?  Then I won't get a period.  That's possibility **2**.  Oh, and did I mention I'm fighting a cold with a low grade fever of 99.2 so I can't tell if my BBT temp is up or down? Fun times.

**3** I have had half of my thyroid removed.  Levels were taken at 4 weeks , 3 months, and 6 months post op and found to be fine.  But I have lost 9lbs in less than 2 months...which is a bit rare for me.  I thought it was because I was working more night shifts which = small dinners and no snacks and excercise at night when I'm usually sitting on my ass on the couch.  And yes, that still may well be the case ((Score)).  But what if the weight loss and no period is a sign my half thyroid has decided to fuck up my predictable world.

**4** And this is the TMI embarrassing one.  I have some spots in my upper thigh, basically when the thigh meets the crotch.  I assumed when they first appeared that they were clogged pores with a zit that didn't come to a head.  Now they are slightly tender and sore and googling around I am fearful that it might now be an infection.  Like a staph infection.  Super.  And last night, past midnight, on my phone in bed I found a website that said this could delay AF.  but of course now in the light of day with a clearer head.  I cannot find the site and wonder if I'm wrong.

**5** (And this is where my mind seriously goes off the ranch people).  What if I actually did hit the 4% chance of getting naturally KU but it's not showing up on the HPT yet.  First, I think it should def. show up by 16dpo tomorrow and I only have one HPT left in the house.  But then I start to think...I never have ever gotten a pos. OPK because of my diabetes, so what if that effects HPTs too.  How high does the level of HCG have to be to overcome this?  Since I didn't find any evidence to this on google, I know I'm just fishing.  But that's what over three years of infertility will do to a girl.  There's that line from Psycho "We all go a little mad sometimes".  That time for me is today.

So I have decided that tomorrow if no AF and no pos. HPT I will call OB (or RE, more on this a little later).    I will request an appointment as soon as I can get squeezed in (hopefully in before Friday).  Since I have not gone for my annual that was due back in March and need one before my 4th IUI in January, I've just been putting off the inevitable.  I will not only ask for a pap (where I will bring up, WTF is this bump thing? Is it an infection?) but I will ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid level check.

If I do get AF by tomorrow morning I will just call to schedule my pap (and get that thing checked out) but for next week or week after since there will no longer be a rush to keep my sanity.

If I get a pos. HPT, I will call RE and ask for all of the above tests and then ask about getting my annual pap from my OB and ask about the cyst thing.  Some IF'er might ask, Why the OB in the first place? Why not just the RE no matter what since I've been in his care more recently than the OB.  Well, since I am out of pocket (OOP) for RE stuff ever since we passed the testing phase, I see no need to have to pay lots of money for a matter my OB can bill my insurance for.  The only reasons for reservations on this decision is that my RE knows more.  And I suppose if I ask, it could be billed as testing, not IF related since I have not had a treatment cycle since April.  But I just don't know if I'm willing to take the risk.

I don't write this post for you, my few and far between readers.  And let's face it, it's really long now so are you really still even reading?  No, again this is a post for me.  So in the future I can try to laugh at how at cycle 46 (46!) I became a newbie all over again.  Besides, I've now vented about this to all three of the places where my IF'er e-friends reside so this is old news.  Yes, I'm ignoring the advice I have given to newbs for years.  That wonky cycles can happen.  And to just test every couple of days and don't worry until you hit 60 days.  Well I'm not having it people.  And I'll tell you why.  As one of my COA girls said it tonight...  I have 46 cycles under my belt!  It's not like I am doing this on a whim.  But I still feel the newbie shame.  Ugh.  Please let this nightmare end either pleasantly or at least quickly and fairly painlessly.

Childfree does not equal selfish!

So on Facebook I follow STFU Parents.  It's great humor in this world of "overshare".  And often, on FB she links to interesting articles that I might not come across myself.  Moments ago she linked to this:

http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/joe-oconnor-selfishness-behind-growing-trend-for-couples-to-not-have-children/

It is an article that discusses the latest census in Canada that there are more child free couple households than there are of households with children.  And the writer goes on to say this is selfish.  And who will take care of those without children when they are old.

He doesn't mention the fact that the baby boomer generation is the largest generation and all of their kids are now grown, so they are lumped into the child free home.  He does however call people without children selfish.  And this is what boils my blood.  Clearly as someone fighting with everything I've got to have children, I would be counted as a childfree household.  This is not by choice, this is life of an infertile.  I couldn't help but comment.  Here is what I wrote under the pseudonym "Infertile Voice":

"Because of social norms and careers, getting married older (30's instead of 20's) is now more the norm. Which caused more chance for age related infertility to be in play. Dealing with infertility in my mid 30's makes the time frame for treatment shorter than if I had met the man of my dreams and married at 24. 

If nothing comes of treatment after 5 years we will be child free for the rest of our lives. This is not selfish! We have spent thousands of dollars to have the joy of being parents. As a society dealing with this scenario more, obviously the rate of couples with children goes down. Just because this isn't the 1950's anymore with Suzie-Homemaker having kids by 25, does not mean that everyone is making this choice. Sometimes the choice is made for you."

But also what really bugged me is the insinuation that people that are in a couple should have children whether they want to or not.  Do we want children to be brought up by those who didn't want them?!  There are enough unwanted kids in the world looking to be adopted.  And knowing you don't want kids, while maybe not socially accepted on the whole, is something I've embraced of friends.  I have a friend that said she never wanted children.  Fine.  While I may not understand it fully, it's her right to have that choice.  I've had a friend that thought that, and later changed her mind.  And from my IF community I have friends that have been through the hell of the IF roller coaster and decided to get off and live Child free.  And then here we sit...still in the middle of the fog of infertility hope - but finally seeing an end in sight.  We either have success with treatments in the next two years or we won't and live child free.  And while there are some benefits to this life, it will by no means be what I had wanted as a little girl.  But selfish? No.  Self sustaining.  I would not be able to keep going with the emotional hell that IF puts you under for 8, 10, 12 years.

Oh, and thanks writer for ending the article with the one fear that haunts me.  Who will take care of me when I'm old.  There are nursing homes for that, that is not why I want to have kids.  But nursing homes don't love you.  I do not want to face the end of this world alone without love.  And now you've sucked me down into another bad infertility day.  Fuck You and your sanctimonious dribble.

Rant: Why people who do the HCG diet are stupid!

So I've gotten mad twice in the past 24 hours after a recent weight loss fad...the HCG diet.  There are claims that you can lose 20-40lbs in just a few weeks on it.

For those of you have not heard of it... there is a fad diet that asks you to eat only 500 calories a day and put drops of HCG hormone under your tongue (Or for more intense folks - take it in injection shots form).  First; let me say anyone who's ever read anything on a healthy diet knows that less than 1,000 calories a day is starvation.  And well duh, if you go from eating 1,800 calories to 500 - yes, you'll lose weight at first. FROM STARVATION!  I Don't know what these idiots are thinking.  And why they would risk their bodily organs starting to shut down because of a fad?!? Morons.  Medical studies have shown that it's harmful and that most put the weight back on after stopping the diet.  (If you're curious just google "Dangers" or "risks" with the diet.  Plenty pops up.

Now let's look at the HCG hormone part....um, WHAT?!!!  It's the hormone naturally released when you are pregnant.  (**It's the hormone that turns that home pregnancy test positive**)  It's also used by us infertile folks as a way to force ovulation.  In past posts, you will have heard me refer to it as the "trigger shot".  This shot costs me $90, and people are buying it to lose weight?  Supply and demand people!  Your using it to get rid of your love handles?  This raises the cost for those of us that need it for a MEDICAL CONDITION not those too lazy to get off the couch and looking for a quick fix to being a chubs.  I mean, look...I need to lose some weight...but I'm honest with myself that I don't need some hormone - I need to eat healthier and work out.  And *gasp* I've lost 8lbs in the last four weeks doing just that.    That is a HEALTHY amount to lose, 2lbs a week.

Now yesterday, I got mad at a friend because there was a facebook post from her about doing this fad diet. Thankfully it turned out to be a virus that is going on around FB. But I learned that after I wrote a reply similar to the rant above.

And now, just today while reading a guilty pleasure (the blog "Hot Mess Mom") I saw a comment from one of her readers that mentioned she was on "phase II" of this idiotic fad in responce to a post from HMM about her weight loss progress (*At a facility & with a program that is monitored by health experts ala weight watchers).    Que anger all over again.

Being infertile this pisses me off more than if it was a fad four years ago before all this started but I can guarantee you one thing.  At that point I still would have thought it was STUPID!  I had a roommate in college (not Kim that you've heard me talk about as one of my dear friends) who used to use laxative often as a weight loss form, and I mean a dangerous amount.  And I thought the same thing...get off your fat ass and get on a damn treadmill.  Or maybe trade that fast food burger for a salad once in a while.

Believe me, I am not some skinny chic with great genes saying this.  I am a size 14.  I am a bacon addict.  I love a good jaunt through a fast food drive through.  I prefer hanging on the couch surfing the web and yelling at the TV with Jeff to pretty much any physical activity.  But that's my choice, and I know it's a choice that comes with the consequence of the size of my butt.  Don't like the size of your butt?  Do something about it!  And I mean actual work, not taking this stupid-ass pregnancy hormone fad diet.  And thus ends the rant.

It's the little things I'm missing....

So sometimes you don't know what you're even missing out on in life.  Sure, not having been blessed with children yet I know I am missing out on hearing your child say "momma" for the first time.  That first time they giggle and it's not gas.  The pictures that are filling up my FB feed of the first day back at school, etc.

But it's the little things that you don't even know you're missing until you see it first hand.

Today was Barb's birthday, and if you read my blog you know she's one of my closest friends and has a 3 year old and a 10 month old.  Today when I came over the 3 year old had this thing hanging from her pony tail.  It was two hair towels tied together and then with flower hair clips pinned to it.  Hanging off her pony tail.  And she comes running up proclaiming "Kati!  Look at my beautiful hair!"   Later she grabs my hand so we can go into the bathroom to see it "glow" (thankfully Barb informed me on the way that we are just imagining that it glows).  Turns out her favorite movie currently is Tangled and in it Rapunzel's hair glows when she sings.  She said she was going to be Rapunzel for Halloween which depressed Barb a little because she loves to do family costumes.  ((I am going to find a way for her husband to be the leading man, barb can be the woman with dark hair and the baby can be the lizard and this is from me just watching a few minutes of said film.))  And Barb confessed that she found a Rapunzel wig that has fiber optics so it glows.  But to me, there is nothing better than a toddler running around the house with towel on her head.  I'm missing out on that cuteness.  See this post  for two pics of her families Halloweens past (middle of the post).

And then when Barb went to lay the baby down for a nap, I was guided into the other room to build forts out of summer patio cushions that had been brought in with the three year old.  This girl has awesome fort building skills!  And imagination because she also built a bridge, and a tower, etc after we build three different forts.  It brought back GREAT memories of fort building in our basement with my brother.  Forts were the BOMB.  And how could you not love hanging out for a few minutes building forts.  I am missing out on that fun.

Except for today.  I will admit that while I am sad I don't have any of my own yet....I am so thankful that I have friends that have children!  For many dealing with IF, I know it's too hard to be around children.  But I'm glad it's not for me. **Most of the time** Yes, I get down at special occasions and holidays not being able to share it with a child of my own but the every day stuff?  I can't help but smile at it! Because I would miss out even further by not experiencing fun through the eyes of a child right now.  Sure, I wish I had this every day. And yes, I wish it was my kid.  And of course, parents can get tired of what I find cute and charming.  But let me enjoy my warm fuzziness in the moment.

If I never end up getting to be a parent, I know I will cherish all these surrogate aunt and actual Aunt moments.  My Aunt experiences have been with the five boys, so it's great that of the friend's kids, four of the five are girls...so now I can see this side of it.  I wish I had taken a picture of this little girl smiling at me with her towel Rapunzel hair popping out of her tent - but I was too caught up in the moment.  And at least I have that snapshot in my head.

I love being right, even on the little things...

So I've mentioned that I have not been real interested in eating lately.  Well today we had lunch at 2pm.  About three inches of a chicken wrap and a small cup of soup.  So about 8pm, I started heating the oven for making our dinner.  Jeff said "I'm still not hungry."  I said, "Neither am I, but I can feel my blood sugar is starting to get low so we should eat."

He joked, "You're now diabetic.  HIGH sugar, not low."  (He knows I was hypoglycemic until a few years ago when my pancreas gave out after years of over reacting and now is diabetic.)  But I'm on Met.formin for it.  Which as I pointed out to Jeff one of the side effects of the drug is working too well and causing LOW blood sugar.  Which after living so much of my life with this problem, I know exactly what the signs and symptoms are...so I know exactly when I need to eat to avoid problems.  **most of the time**.

He doubted me.  Bwahaha! That fool.  So being the competitive type A people we are, he dared me to take my sugar level saying he bet it was around 100 (where it should be).  I told him, while I felt some signs I was not yet weak or shaky so I guessed 85.  I told him if we didn't eat in the next half hour to an hour it would drop to 50's.  (I tend to pass out in the 40's).

Took it and Boo-yeah, 84.  How good am I?  Guessed to within a point!

Yes, clearly we have problems if we like to bet on anything.  And will use blood, (yes blood people!) to prove who's right.  That's bringing it!.  

Oh, and I was right on another thing today.  We watched the Hungar Games this afternoon.  I was like "Is that Lenny Kravitz?"  He said no, Lenny's got to be 60 by now.  I said "How do you figure?"  He claimed "Are you going to go my Way?" Came out when he lived in the dorms ala 1990.  And he figured Lenny was about 28 or 30 at that time (Which if you do that math my friends still only make him 44/46 now, not 60!).  So after the movie, and the credits role:  I'm right again!  And like any competitive couple, we have to go to the internet.  He was born in 1964, which makes him 48, and Are you Going to go my Way came out in 1993.  Which made him 29 so Jeff tried to take a little credit at that but I pointed out still not 60.  We both agreed LK has some great looking skin for a 48 year old because he still looks about 30.  What is that man's secret?!?!

Are you part of a competitive couple?  What are some of your successes?  Some of my loses will never be forgotten, or lived down - he still loves to bring up that Raspberry Barrett was NOT on the Purple Rain soundtrack as I insisted one day.  Oh well, for now I will savor my victories.

Lost my MoJo these last few weeks.

So the height of summer to me is Founders.  And afterwards is exhausting because so much energy was put into the Fest.  It takes a good week to catch up on sleep, at least.  An additional week to lose the five pounds I always seem to gain from the beer and fried food  But usually within two weeks we're back to routine, weight, sleep, etc.

This year? Nope.  Can't seem to get enough sleep.  And, Woohoo! Yesterday was the official pre-fest weight so yes, it did take me 17 days to loose those five pounds but happy they are gone.  I was getting worried I wouldn't lose them all before Halloween candy and Holiday food start to pack them back on.   **My year is a combination of gaining and loosing those five/six pounds.  Only chance to really gain ground is in the spring and early summer when I tend to do IF treatments and pack them on from all the hormones, so it's a vicious cycle!** And as for routine? Fagedaboutit!

My work has been hectic with a lot of personnel changes that I have had not consistency in my schedule.  I have actually been forced to work a LOT of nights.  What this causes is not being able to get to sleep until around 1am, waking up around 9am and feeling like half the day is wasted.  It also makes it that I rarely see Jeff.  And while, yes, we are on a treatment break we still are trying on our own.  But when I work nights and get home around 11pm it's too late, Jeff's too tired, etc. that we're not even trying this month....OK we'll try, but it will be cd16 so what are the chances I have not ovulated? Um none.  I always ovulate between cd12 and cd15.  So sure, there is that small miracle that I am on the later end this month and ovulate on cd15 and the egg is still alive by the time we get around to having sex on Saturday but you know what?  I'm not even that upset.

I'm just so blah suddenly.  And not about having sex, I was seriously randy the other week.  But blah about everything.  I am a bit of a OCD on cleaning and usually do everything in one day (because to me there is no better feeling then a fully cleaned house).  But I've been stretching everything out to one or two cleaning activities a day so I have more time to lay around.  And eating!  I looooove to eat but nothing interests me lately except the idea of take out.  A few days ago I barely ate all day; and for a diabetic that's not good....I need food to survive and I've even had low blood sugar attacks so I know better.  But I just don't have the motivation to get up.  It's like working in the evening has sucked all of my energy out.  And I think part of that is not seeing my husband.  When I work in the day, at the end of the day I have his company to look forward to.  But now? Cleaning the house and eating...all I have to "look forward" to at the end of the day is working. BLAH!  I think this is also why I've been taking naps, even though I get 7-8 hours of sleep this week.  Because if I have nothing to look forward to, might as well sleep.  I also tend to feel this way when I'm depressed, so I know the pattern - blah feelings towards cleaning and eating and napping often.  But the thing is - I don't feel depressed.  I guess just missing my husband and joy in life for a while is making me unconsciously depressed.  But, you know what I mean...I don't feel hopeless, I don't feel "lost" in life (just on hold).  I don't know what I'm saying, I guess just writing it is helping me.

Thankfully I have Friday night off (actually work in the day) and then the weekend off (FINALLY!! Back to my every other weekend off!  It's been June since I had a weekend off except for Founders).  And then don't work a night again until next Wednesday and the following weekend.  I actually get to work in the day on Monday, Thursday and Friday!!  I can't tell you how happy I am at the idea of actually being home, to make a home cooked dinner (even though I'm not excited by food right now, I'm so tired of work food for dinner).  And to spend time with my husband!

AND of course there is something to look forward to, it's just two months away.  Our Vacation to VEGAS. And Polish thanksgiving will be before then (Sept. 22).  And cooler weather, with sweaters and boots!  And the Founders wrap up party on Sept. 15th.  I think I really just need to accept this work schedule is bringing me down and that next week is better.  And if after they have the two new people fully trained, if they keep giving me a schedule of 60-70% nights that I need to stand up for myself and demand they spread it out among the new people more.  As I told Jeff the other night, I'd be happier with less hours and less money, if I could see him and be a happier Kati.  Sadly, I can't just quit but they can spread the nights over more people now that they've hired them.

Founders and 3 Years TTC

**Warning to my IF friends, this post will be filled with pics and yes, many of them have kids & babies**
So sadly  thankfully, our TTC anniversary falls during one of my favorite times each year.  Our town's Founders Days.  If you read about two years ago and last year, you know that Jeff and I are very involved.  Jeff was President for the second year in a row and I was in charge of the 5 & 10K run.  Very busy weekend where we only see the inside of our house to shower and sometimes sleep.  **We sleep in a camper down in the park as we have "security" duty.  Also, most nights we get home at 2am and leave at 8am so there is only so much sleep.   I'm still recovering.  i.e. taking a two hour nap for the last two days.  
All that said, I had to fit in time to see one of my besties.  Brit was in town from Georgia for a dual baptism with my other friend (and her sister) Lauren.  I got to meet Brit's son Carter for the first time.  And was able to squeeze in a few hours on Friday and two hours for the after party for the baptism (I was in charge of the race then so couldn't go to the actual event.)  During the weekend I also sat with all my friend's and their children for the Fest's parade.  Barb told me she forgot her camera, and would I mind taking some pictures for her?    I soon turned into camera gal on all things cuteness between six kids...two of them age three, one age two, and three all eight months or younger.  I will not tell a lie...I did get a slight pang of sadness that all these kids got to enjoy Founders through the eyes of a child, and I didn't have a little one to share it with.  But the moment was fleeting.

Ellie, Carter & Addyson's ...Cousin's First Founders

Sofia waving to the veterans

Ellie praying for candy as Mom Brit fixes her hair

And come Sunday, I was prepared for the baptism party.  It's two close friends and their family.  They all know my struggle, but it was not about me and I love the babies so I knew I'd make it through it great.  What did I not count on encountering?  A friend of Lauren's also in attendance announcing they were PG just four months after their wedding.  Yep, que bitter, sad, and yes even crying Kati.  I made a smart ass remark once or twice.  (To the couple "Didn't you guys just get married last month?!!") and to Brit with couple in the room when talking about how it was a honeymoon baby "Must be nice" **dripping with bitter sarcasm.   And then I ate a BIG piece of cake, sat on the porch and cried for a good ten minutes.  Damn IF sucks when it catches you off guard.  You'd think going to a party with two babies as the center of honor I'd be all kinds of prepared.  I did have my "When, not IF" necklace on though, so I rubbed it to remind myself that I wear it as armor in my battle.  It helped a little.  Not enough though.

Brit, Ben, Ellie and Carter on Carter's baptism Day

But the best night of the fest?  Friday night was girls night for my friends.  They all got the grandparents to babysit, came down to the park and drank.  Since we so rarely get together, it's such a treat.  Yes, it's understanding that since their children are so much a part of their lives that there were many talks of diapers, sleep, cuteness, ect.  That I could not join in on, and felt a little left out.  But there was also much of the night laughing, singing to the band, and reminiscing old times.  I love and miss my girls.

Lauren, Barb, Brit and I for Girls Night Out!!

Saturday with Me, Cher, Jackie, Dottie and Arlene

The fest was awesome; we had the best sales ever for beer and now there is no more worry from two years ago's flood that we'd have to cancel the fest.
And so three year ago, as the fest ended, we started our TTC journey.  And three years later, we're still stuck here.  But I still have hope.  And no matter if years from now we even have to live child free... I will always have the fest to love.  The parade, the fireworks, the bands, the corn, the friends, and the good times.  So I think I am glad that our TTC anniversary is tied in with such a wonderful time of year.

Reunions

Brit, Me, Joy, Chrissy, ?? and Erica at 10th reunion back in '06

I went to my 10 year high school reunion.  (Back in 2006, God I'm old).  And I remember that my BFF Brit and I had built it up so much in our head of how much fun it would be that it didn't live up to the hype in our head.  It was still fun, but a bit of a let down after imagining it different.  Yes, we talked to some people we hadn't in years but for the most part - with Facebook and Myspace...I kind of knew a little of what was going on with the people I had been friends with.  And please, I'm still super close with my four best HS friends (they were all my bridesmaids).

My Parents used to joke that HS reunions were funny because at the 10 year - every one is trying to brag.  Like "Look how great my life is"; talking about jobs, marriage, and kids.  Well in 2006 I had no kids (obviously) and no husband (not even a steady boyfriend).  So I was thankful I had my awesome job of working in television to talk about.  And moving around the country for it, while many had stayed in our hometown.  My parent's claim the 20 year reunion no one is bragging anymore, it's really time to reminisce on old time, reflex how old you've gotten etc.  My husband skipped his 20th reunion (as it was the same summer as our wedding and we were a bit busy).  He said he didn't care.  (*Yep, I married a guy that graduated HS at the age of 17 in 1989...six years older than me but seven years of school older).   My 20th is still four years away but I bet I'll go.  But I'll keep my expectations low this time.

My last post was about Ma Higgins passing away and yesterday was her memorial "Irish Wake" (ie it was held at a bar of a country club so we could all sit around drinking, eating, and talking.)  And in a way it was a 10 year reunion of college!  Granted I graduated from college 12 years ago, but there were six of us there that all lived on the same floor in the dorms together: Tuttle, Hamlet (aka the Erin's), Raechel, Abby, Me and  Kim.  Kim was of course busy most of the time since it was for her mother but I did finally get to meet her two little kids Guillian (3) and Sean (18 mons).  But for the most part it was the other five of us sitting around talking.  And the talk was totally 10 year reunion fare:  Jobs, Husbands, Kids.  And this reunion I had the husband, but not the kids or the cool job.  Eh, it is amazing what time will do.  I didn't care so much (aside from the typical heartache of an IF'er listening to fun talk of children's antics wishing they were my stories and wondering "will they ever be?").  It was just so nice to see them again.  Tuttle and Raechel, I had not seen in four years.  Hamlet & Abby, I had not seen since 2000.  Finally at the last 45 minutes it turned more to the 20 year reunion type talk of "remember this party?"  and "Who was it that stole that sign with us?"  There were many laughs that last hour.  It's too bad it was a two hour drive so we all left after being together for about 3 hours.  But we agreed the next time Kim was in Wisconsin (She lives in California now after having spent 3 years in Germany) that we should have a reunion not at a funeral.  And maybe get a few more of the old crew together.

Kim, Raechel, Tina, Tuttle, Me and Simon - Oct 98 "Up North"

But it made me realize, yes - facebook is good for learning the simple things... Like I knew that Hamlet had three little kids and worked at an after school program for kids.  But nothing compares to actual face to face stories like hearing her tell about how her 3 year old son has learned with morning wood how to make it move.  We were drinking beer laughing so hard when she told us he was like "no mommy, don't put my clothes on, look how strong it is!"  This would be inappropriate for FB, but for a convo over drinks? Funny!  And when we were commenting on how pretty Kim's Brother's Wife was it came out that three out of the five of us, at one point or another, had made out with Chris. LOL.

Last time Me, Raechel, Kim & Tuttle were together. Summer 2008

These are the people that I spent three years of my life with. (I transferred in as a sophomore).  And sadly, with all the drinking - in many ways, that part of my life is more of a blur than any other time in my life.  It's great to have us together to put some pieces together, or bring back a memory you forgot was hidden in your mind.  And this is why I like that I started my "Turn back time" posts.  Sometimes we're too busy with the moments of current life to look back and remember all the fun we've had.  On the way home I heard Toby Keith's song "Sixteen hundred and Fifty Two Beers Ago" and couldn't help but laugh at how appropriate that song was for the memories.  I'm just sorry none of us thought to take a picture of all of us together again.

Turn Back Time Tuesday: Remembering Ma Higgins

I found out late last night that a friend passed away unexpectedly.  But she wasn't an ordinary friend.  She was a surrogate mom.  Ever have one of those?  I have had two.  My BFF's Brit and Lauren's mom is one.  I've known her since I was about 15.  This, however, is Ma Higgins.  Ma was my college roommate Kim's mother.  And she wasn't like any other mom I'd ever met.
She'd had Chris and Kim when she was young, so when I was 19 and met her the first day Kim and I moved in together at Whitewater fifteen years ago, I think she was 40.  Maybe 41.  And they were from a "good old" Wisconsin town where it was a unwritten rule that if you had a parent with you, you could drink underage.  (Gotta just love Wisconsin).  Kim's parents were divorced from when she was little, and Ma loved to have us come back to town on the weekend, and go out and party with her.  And she was happy to have a housefull (I'm talking 15-20 of us) come and have a party at her house.  She always said she knew college kids were going to drink, better to have us under her roof where she could watch out for us, keep us from driving, etc.
Kim and I lived together the entire 3 years we went to Whitewater together.  And when I graduated, I still came to visit at least twice a year.  When I moved to West Virginia, I even made a special trip down to NC to see a Nascar Race to meet up with the Higgins clan (and I hate Nascar).  But it was a chance to see my friends.  And I considered Ma a friend, not just my friend's mother.  We exchanged cards and Christmas presents until only a few years ago.  She was the biggest Packer fan I ever knew.  Her entire bathroom was decorated in Packer gear.  So when working at the TV station in Wisconsin, when I got my hands on two great (copy written - ssshhhh!) pics of inside the locker room with Brett Farve, I copied them, printed them out on 5x7 and mailed them to her.  Along with an autograph of Donald Driver I scored for her.  Small tokens to show my appreciation, but to her - coveted Fan pieces to brag to everyone that her "Miss Kati" got her.
In the past few years, with her moving to NC and not able to make it to our wedding.  Our friendship had been relegated to Facebook.  As sadly, most old friends not near by do. Last year she had volunteered and spent a month as a nurse helping victims of the earthquake in Haiti.  And was trying to get enough money to go back. She has such a big heart.  But a month ago she had left a message on my wall about soon moving back to Wisconsin.  And I truly thought I'd see her again in the next year.  I learned of her death, from Kim, in a facebook message.  Which, I understand.  Poor Kimmy had to have called tons of people to let them know personally...but wanted to let the rest of us know soon too.
I find myself today thinking of her constantly, and tearing up.  She was only 55 or 56.  This past weekend had gone to see Kenney Chesney and Tim McGraw in concert.  Was full of vibrant energy.  I don't know how she passed away yet, but I worry....  I know in recent years Kim said Ma seemed to be drinking a bit too much, and seemed to be depressed (although she always outwardly showed happiness and spunk).  And I know on Sunday she had complained of 106 degrees temps in Charlotte.
So my mind races, was it the heat?  Was it due to drinking?  I hope not.  I think that would weigh heavy on Kim's mind, like it was preventable some how.  I hope it was something quick, like a heart attack.  I hope she did not feel much pain, if any.  I hope she knew, how much she was loved.  But more than anything, I wish I could have one of those big bear hugs Ma was famous for.  And hear her tell me it's not true.

Above is a picture from Winter 1998/1999 at one of her house parties for us college kids.  All us girls are piled on the couch with her (second from right) as the boys are in the backround playing cards  (I'm on the far left since I set up the timer to take the pic of all of us).  Miss you Ma!

Sometimes I don't understand the world

On Friday a former co-worker of mine committed murder/suicide.  It's been over a year and a half since I worked with him, but he worked as a front lanes manager for the first year and a half that I worked.  I used to joke with him, talk sports, each lunch....next to someone that committed murder.  And then killed himself.  I've never been in a situation like this before.  Some people at work are sad over his death, others saying things like "he killed someone, I don't feel sympathy for people that murder."  Me? I just have a stone in my stomach.  I find it nauseating.  But don't know what to feel.  But in the 24 hours since I heard I can't seem to stop thinking about it.  Honestly, I wish I didn't know.  I've always thought of people who do that as whack jobs.  Someone you'd say to your self "That person's totally unhinged."  And maybe I'd have thought that if I had seen him recently.  But I can't.  I still see him as a laughing, joking man.  And you think, if a person can spiral down that deep into the hands of evil - can everyone?  And it makes the world a scarier place for me today.

Even the Hunger Games bring IF to mind...

So from Tuesday afternoon to Saturday morning, I have been doing almost only one thing non-stop outside of work: Reading the Hunger Games Series.  I had held off for a while on the hype but finally gave in an OMG...loved them.  And as I look to my left I see Jeff is now close to finishing the first book.  Took us both less than 24 hours.  Yes, it is that good.

So what does this have to do with being a infertility reminder? *And trust me, I will not reveal any spoilers for the overall book, just general observations*  Book three in the very early pages mentions that one of the districts is no longer able to have children.  They have become infertile.  Can you imagine infertility effecting every one in your state? At least you wouldn't be "alone" as so many of us feel from time to time.  But how sad!  And the fact that even immersed in the world of Panem (the name of the country) in the future, I still end up getting pulled into my own hell from just a simple mention? Great.  Thanks Suzanne Collins.  Like I needed that!

Thankfully, it's just a mention on maybe two pages of the third book.  But, they do every now and then (throughout the entire series) mention that the main character and heroine doesn't want kids (so they would never be subjected to the Hunger Games themselves).  I don't hate her for this.  I love her for this.  What I hate, is once again being sucked out of fantasy... back to reality - even in the form of what is supposed to be escapism for me (reading).

And yet, this perfectly explains something.  There is never any escaping it.  IF pain, sadly, is everywhere.  And why? Because it's a perfectly natural human instinct to want to further our species.  Those on the outside have absolutely no understanding of how many things "trigger" our heartache.

For me, I've pushed it down and made myself numb often.  I can see endless posts on facebook of pictures of children, updates on pregnancies, funny "listen to what my kid just said" updates without it bothering me (like it does many IF'ers).  But seeing a mother at Target ignore her child brings it to the front of mind.  A friend talking about their child's baseball game only makes me wonder - will Jeff ever get to play catch with a child of his?  Watching a commercial with families in it; we don't need a mini-van, kids meals, the latest water gun, etc but seriously the vast majority are for the "average" adult...who has kids of varying ages.  Even, yes reading a book about a game of killing people off can't let me escape it.

It's sad that there really is no place to hide from it.  Ever.  I guess that I've know that all along, because I've always made myself except that reality and try not to hide from it.  It doesn't bother me much anymore.  Only every now and then does the sting of it find a raw nerve.  I just sometimes wish I had a switch I could flip, and forget about it, and make it through one whole day.  Just one whole day, without it ever even entering my mind.  Maybe someday, I will.  But this day....like the the past 740 days (give or take) since the words slipped out of our doctors lips that we are dealing with infertility....  This is not that day.

Catching up on the Anniversary week

So last blog I posted what to do for our anniversary.  And came up with four ideas.  That was Tuesday, and Jeff was out of town until that night.  His flight out of DC got delayed and he didn't get home until almost 11pm so we didn't get much of a chance to discuss plans - but I gave him a quick run down of the four options I had thought of.
Fast forward to the next morning.  I made us a breakfast of Cinnamon Rolls and sausage.  I asked what he wanted to do; he wavered on all options - finding fault with my ideas of boating for various reasons. :(  I said I was going to take a shower and get ready and he could think on it some more while I got ready.  About 45 minutes later, I appear ready for anniversary fun only to find? He hadn't really thought more about it.  I explained I was ready to go...anywhere but I just did not want to sit on the couch like I do so often.  But still, at this point I was in a good mood, but anger was starting to fester.  He said, "Gimme a minute" and I thought he was looking up some idea on the computer...only minutes later to hear some YouTube video a friend had sent him.
Now let me say, my time of the month was set to arrive any minute now at this point.  So what happens?  Irrational Hormonal Girl arrives on the scene.  Yes, I started getting bitchy.  Granted - it was some what warranted since he was just playing around while I was sitting there, with several plans he had dismissed.  So I think to appease me - he agreed to go to Lake Geneva.  I felt bad that it was more like doing it to get me from bitching more, and as we started to drive there - I expressed my sadness in ruining our anniversary (sounding more hormonal? Yeah, gotta just love being a girl.  Yelling one minute, weepy and apologizing the next.)
Thankfully, since my husband is amazing.  And knows me well - he shook it off as nothing was ruined and started cracking a few jokes.  By mid- hour drive up- I was feeling good and happy once again to be married to such a wonderful, understanding man.  So we had lunch overlooking the lake (and the carriage ride horse) while (typical of us) mocking poor strangers in secret.  I don't know why we find such fun in making jokes to each other about the people around us.  We're like the last episode of Seinfeld, and I will not be surprised if one day we are caught and thrown in jail.  LOL.

our view from lunch table

After an hour of walking around, enjoying the 72 degree day, we agreed we're not 'tourist town shoppers' an called it a day.  Once home from our scenic drive home through fields of cow pastures and picturesque barns, we stopped for BOGO Frappachino's at Starbucks.  And then to his parent's to see the progress of the bathroom remodeling.

Then home for an hour to relax before a most amazing dinner at Bone Fish Grill.  We both had the lump crab/corn chowder soup, shared an ap of Bang Bang Shrimp before I got "Diablo Shrimp Fettuccine" (too spicy, yet so delish!  Jeff finished if for me the next day since it was just too spicy for me).  And Jeff had some Talapia dish.  

All in all, a lovely anniversary.  Happy Third Year Baby!