Missed Miscarriage at 8w3d

I had finally started to really believe it.  I was still a little nervous each Friday but it had gotten so less.  We were making jokes and laughing before our appointment.  I had even spent the morning writing in the pregnancy journal my SIL had gotten me for Christmas.  Only to walk into the ultrasound ready to see the heartbeat for the third time and our baby to be twice the size of last week.  But instead I was laying there and said "You're freaking me out - I don't see the heartbeat flicker."  And my favorite tech took a breath, moved the wand a little more and said "I'm so sorry but neither do I."

I grabbed for Jeff's hand as she looked at my angel for a few more seconds before confirming it's over.

And then the world ended.

Thankfully I was their last patient of the morning because I'm sure the entire office heard my scream.  Crying out "No!"  She left the room and let me cry in Jeff's arms for, I don't know, a good ten minutes before I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.  I hated laying there naked from the waist down with that paper sheet so I got dressed and they came in again apologizing that they needed to take my blood.  Because I had been hyperventilating she couldn't get my vein in my left arm (I always give blood from my left and am a easy stick).  They had to have me lay down, drink water and do some deep breathing before they were able to get the two vials.

I was told to expect a call that afternoon from my RE.  When he finally called he didn't have much to say - I believe he mentioned the blood work will help tell us if I had antibodies that attacked my child but I'm not sure because the conversation was kind of a blur.  What I do remember is saying they don't do D&C's unless medically necessary - which freaks the shit out of me.  To be honest my chemical pregnancy I started bleeding right away before the second beta so it was naturally happening before I even knew it was over.  This?  I'm not bleeding.  Instead I'm walking around knowing I have my dead child inside me.  I stopped all the meds as instructed but I really don't think I can handle miscarrying at home.

*graphic warning**skip this paragraph if you want to avoid horror*  He said I'd need to decide if I want to "collect the tissue" for genetic testing.  I was hyperventilating the sheer idea of doing this at home but then the idea of the "choice" between flushing or collecting?  Holy motherfucking hell!  Both sounds like the worst thing in the world.  I spent some of last night reading online what to expect from taking the miso (cyclotec) and basically it will put me into labor (or some refer to it as home abortion - God how I want to have never seen that word).  People talk about losing so much blood that two I read passed out.  And at eight weeks I will expect to not only see massive clots of tissue, that my baby will be a "grey ball" of tissue.  Kill me.  I don't think I can take this.  I know others have said I'm one of the strongest people they know, but I don't think I'm this strong.  I don't think I can take this.  I know others have done this, and I know others have been through years of infertility.  But I think sometimes I've used up all of my strength on these past four and a half years.  I'm so fucking drained.

And then there is the "Is this the end of our journey to become parents?"  We'd said that because of finances this IVF was the end of the road for us.  But now the choice is - can we afford to take a 401K loan for OOP IVF?  I figure it will be about $15K.  But we want to buy a house and live our damn lives - can I put our lives on hold yet again for the sheer chance that might again just end in this heartbreak?  I just don't know.  Jeff of course when I screamed out at the office "We'll never be parents" that we didn't have to decide that now.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Inappropriate funny for the day?

OK - All you IF ladies have had a vaginal ultrasound so you know what that feels like.

And you know I have a bad cold.

Well it's moved from my nose into my chest so I have a hellish cough now.  I was in the exam and had a small coughing fit and joked "That was fun.  Nothing like coughing with a dildo in ya!"  My fav tech didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah you almost shot that thing out across the room.  You've got strong muscles"  Then looked at my husband and said "You're a lucky man."  Hahahahaha OMG!  Kegels ladies, kegels.  I hope you do not have drink up your nose now, I return you to your non-vulgar programing now.  My husband couldn't stop laughing the rest of the afternoon at that.

Happy 36th Birthday to me (And the week of crying)

So yesterday was my 36th birthday and I was sick as a dog.  Actually I don't know why that's an expression because I had dogs growing up and don't ever remember then that sick.  I was a miserable snot filled mess.  But here's the thing - it was still better than last year.  Do you remember me last year?  I turned 35 so all I could think about was being AMA (labeled Advanced Maternal Age).  I spent a bit of that day crying because of this stupid ass label.  As if a bodies ovaries know exactly the moment you hit 35 and it flips a switch.  Fuck that!  This year I have a baby growing inside me so sure, I have a UTI and a really really bad cold and have gone through almost two boxes of tissues in 36 hours from blowing my nose and I can't breath and my birthday was spent in pj's taking naps and my dinner was my husband bringing home a bread bowl of broccoli cheese soup.  It sure as hell beats crying from that stupid label.

But let's talk crying.  You hear people talk about pregnancy hormones making you all out of whack?  Holy hell did that kick in this week.  I thought I was hormonal *before* this week.  Let me say - before IF I was a person who almost never ever cried.  Like I could go six months to a year and only shed a tear or two over a movie MAYBE once.  In fact in high school when I started birth control pills and cried once in front of my friend Joy she said "I'm just glad to see you're not a robot" (because apparently being so "stoic" as my mom likes to call me, I seemed un-human.  Not this week!

I've cried at least two to six times a day this week (yes I just said six times in a day).  Let's look back at some of the times to get a little laugh, shall we?  I went to Hallmark to pick out Jeff and I's annual ornaments.  My mom has done this for 35 year but in an attempt to lower their holiday budget now that my Dad is retired they are stopping the ornament buying.  Getting the tradition passed down and doing it for the first time made me cry, and it's making me cry just thinking of it now.  (Seriously feel free to laugh at me because I have.)  Then when I went in to the emergent care facility and I said I was seven weeks pregnant, the doctor asked when my last month period was (this is a common question not only for all women but apparently for early pregnant women because I see it mentioned all the time on the First Trimester board on the bump).  I started crying as I explained that because I did IVF without a transfer and the FET that I really don't know what they would or would not consider that for me but because of the FET I know the exact day I conceived.  Poor guy got a lot more then he was looking for!  But then I cried later sitting alone in that room, thinking IF took being able to fill in a simple box on a damn form.  Will I be asked this at the OB's office once I switch from my REs?  How many times will I be made to feel like a side show because I didn't have that? (And yes, I'm crying again.)  I cried twice while talking to my mom yesterday over sentimental thoughts.  And since it was my birthday, my husband wrote me the sweetest message in my card (que the water works!)  I can't take all this crying!  And since my husband is used to non-crier Kati he's looking at my like I have two heads.

And now, yes I'm going to be one of "those pregnant ladies"  I will always try to actually write before putting this on, but I always dreamed that when I was PG I'd finally be able to fill this stuff out.  So feel free to skim or skip.  It might be VERY early to start a lot of this but I really want to remember everything!

How far along?  7w2d today
Weight gain/loss:  up 3lbs 
Maternity clothes?  not yet (thinking of buying belly band after Christmas)
Stretch marks?  nope, but trying to remember to start to use lotion every other day at least.  Using Aveno.  Mainly started using it all over body because I am very itchy.
Sleep?   I can fall alseep really fast (compared to pre-pregnancy) but also wake up fully awake to pee and then again fall asleep as if I wasn't just wide awake.  So weird.  And as always loving taking a nap a day.  I'm unhappy on non-nap days (but honestly have not had one of those in over a week).    
Best moment this week? Seeing the heartbeat last Friday.  Turns out Jeff and I were both fairly nervous but didn't say anything to each other.  
Food cravings:   Glazed donuts has been the craving these past four weeks, and since I work a lot of nights, the bakery comes and brings the donuts that didn't sell to the breakroom and there is always a glazed for me.  No wonder I'm up three lbs!
Belly button in or out?  Too Soon!
Movement? Too Soon!
What I miss? With this cold I really miss not being able to take Nyquil.  
What I'm looking forward to:   Tomorrow we get to have another U/S and baby Juice will be twice the size of last week!  
Milestones: Heartbeat!!!  BPM was only 104 but they say that is common for 6w3d.  I was just measuring 6w0d but they said that in first trimester there is a +/- of five days because of just how teeny tiny they are.
Size of a:  Blueberry!  
Bump/Blump Shot:    These are from 5w3d and 6w3d.  (See I told you I've become *that* girl!  I know there's no bump yet and it's all just bloat and gut but I don't care. Forgive me that the level of zoom was not the same in each.

Baby Pic:  6w3d They put two X's on there so I'd be able to "find" my baby after we left.  As if I wouldn't know that little peanut was my baby. Ha!  But it does just make me think of that Friends episode where Rachel can't see where her baby is on the U/S.

The IF Guilt Trip

There are many ways for someone that has fought infertility to feel guilty.  And I'm sure that I've been one of the people to cause a little of that for friends who made it to "the other side".

If they complain to someone still suffering with infertility that person (me not too long ago) would think (or say) "I would give anything to deal with *blank*"  And I KNOW I said that to my IRL IF friend Lauren once when she mentioned that she'd love to just be able to have one drink, just one alcoholic drink.  And so I will make it my mission to not say anything like that to someone dealing with infertility.

However, what I did not expect was not being able to complain (*Or not even complain, but just state facts) to my father and have him make me feel guilty for saying or even thinking them.  He asked how I was doing yesterday and I said I was having a little pity party:  I had the biggest zit I've had for years on the corner of my mouth, I had really chapped lips and I was afraid the chapstick was only making the zit worse, and to top it off I believe I was getting a UTI so yep burning when I pee.  I wasn't looking for answers, nor even more than a simple "I'm sorry, that sucks" but instead I got "Well you asked for this so put a smile on and just accept it."  I'm sorry what?!

No seriously, WHAT?!  Yes I ask for anything and everything that comes with being pregnant.  And I will say it's all worth it - without a doubt.  And I'll say I'll take it!  But "smile"?  Why?  Because as if over four years of heartache wasn't enough of a challenge now I'm supposed to also keep my mouth shut for anything that's happening from here on out?  Does this mean for the next 20 years I can't complain about anything to do with the child?!  FUCK THAT.

I understand the "Be aware of your audience and use sensitivity."  No problem!  I won't complain to those dealing with IF about any aches and pains or costs of a child or sleepless nights or stretch marks.  It'd be like complaining to someone in a wheelchair that my legs hurt from walking.  But I'm seriously going to have to have a heart to heart with him if he pulls this again (or others).  I am human damnit.  I am entitled to my feelings.  When I say simply what I'm dealing with, it's because you asked.

Now please understand, dear readers, that I started this blog for me.  And that's how I'll always view it.  It's like an online diary that happens to be open to the public.  But at it's core, it's for me.  So I cannot use that same sensitivity here.  If you unfollow me know that I'm pregnant, I totally understand.  I never have pulled punches for you when it came to what I was dealing with with infertility, and I don't plan on sugar coating things now that I got what I wished for.  I still live in daily fear of miscarriage (and will that stop until I have my child in my arms?)  But no matter what I will be me.

First Ultrasound at 5w3d

So first let me say that they told me I was off on how far along I am.  I had counted my 6 day embryo FET day as being 2w6d because well it was as if I had ovulated on cd14 and it was 6 days later.  Makes sense right? No and I have no idea why.  I forgot to ask the nurse to explain it but the U/S tech was like "Um, no they have you listed as 5w3d based off your transfer date."  Oooo-kay. Whatever.  Not that three days really matter this early into nine months but mainly it was that I was hoping to see not only the fetal pole but the flicker of a heartbeat that may have literally just started.

Instead I was "right on track" for 5w3d with a gestational sac and yolk sac but can't tell anything else yet. So without further ado here is little Juicer....

I thought I'd share a few other pics from the last two months to add to the story of our conception.

This is me before egg retrieval.  I knew it was going to be painful so I'm trying to put a brave face on.  The selfie is better than the one Jeff took of me.  But I think it's safe to say it's hard to look good in a hair net.  As evidence that even Jeff looks redic in one.  We just do not look totally like ourselves like this.  

  

And the final pics for you tonight...when I took the valium and was laughing at everything - I took this picture because I thought it was hilarious they had this in the room with me because I thought it looked like ovaries full of follicles for IVF.  Does anyone else see the connection or was it a drug high?  Oh and my instagram collage of my good luck rituals for both ER and FET days...I had my lucky blackhawk socks on from Btay (3T'er and #75strong gal I got three winters ago), my Hope stone from SIL, my common thread bracelet and my "When...not IF" necklace.  

  

I feel like the drama faces Happy/Sad

So my first beta was 104 on Monday.  Meaning that on Wednesday it was supposed to be 208 to have doubled in 48 hours.  But instead it was 172.  Now from my math skills I thought this meant a 73 hour doubling time (normal is 48-72 so to me 73 hours meant beta hell).  But on countdowntopregnancy.com using a beta base it said it was a doubling time of 66 hours so maybe they know something I don't.  So I tried to remain hopeful.  But lets face it, once you've known the pain of miscarrying it's hard.  But I think I did damn well.  I cried for just five minutes and then moved on to trying to enjoying getting to see my parents, brother and his family for the Thanksgiving holiday.  But as the 27 hours at my brothers wore on, I got more sad.  And emotional.  Ah hormones.

So Friday morning I went in for bloodwork and head off to black Friday shopping at Tar.get running the front lanes and cashiers.  Ugh.  Could there be a worse day to have to work while worrying?  Well I guess it was a blessing in disguise because I was able to stay distracted for almost the whole time.  The one thing I couldn't decide that morning was this:  Do I listen to the voicemail while at work or wait until I'm home in case it's bad news?  There were three of us there capable of doing my job and so many cashiers that I felt it was a safe bet I could go home if it was bad news.  So I decided if the call came close to quitting time; I would wait to go home but if it was like two hours I just wouldn't be able to not know for that long.  Know what I mean?  So when the call came at 2:30 (I worked until 4:30) I went on break and listened.

369!!!  (To have doubled in 24 hours it needed to have been at least 344).  Never been so freakin happy.  I started tearing up.  Just couldn't help it.  Tears of joy that never felt so good.  Whew.  So I think I've handled the roller coaster of the last 96 hours amazingly well considering.  But yeah, I definitely feel like those drama faces.

OK so the minor details

You want to know the details right? Well even if you don't here they are for my own edification.

I told you guys six days ago about my thoughts on larger nips and that I POAS of an internet cheapie to stark white?  Well I did that again Thursday and there was a hint of a hint of a ghost of a line.  Enough to make me go through the trash and find the one from Wednesday and it was there too.  But was it evap lines or real?  This convinced me Friday to take the FRER.  And it wasn't a squinter, it was a full on line.

Other symptoms?  The wack-ass dreams.  I have had very real-seeming dreams...when I normally don't remember more than maybe one dream a week - I've been remembering one to three dreams a night.  (And why are the Chicago Blackhawk team showing up so often?)  These are not "Oh, I'm pregnant" dreams, just vivid normal dreams.

And yes the sore boobs.  So much so that last night I wore a sports bra to bed.  Holy hell did that help!  And I'm the kind that loves to come home and take off the bra so it seems unfair that now I'm wanting to put something on.  Ever hear of pregnancy sinusitis?  Yep, blowing my nose a lot or sneezing.  Really thought this was a myth.   And now lets talk TMI, I already have a freakin hemorrhoid?  WTF.  I've never had one before so this is def a new one on me.  And I'm itchy at night - I googled this one because I thought it was weird but I guess it's not as uncommon as I thought.  But it's the "I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin" kind of itchiness.  Jeff reminded me I want all of this.  And I'm like "Yes, I want to be PG and I'll live with whatever comes with it I just didn't know one of them would be even at 4 weeks 1 day to be as itchy as all get out."

And poor Jeff, he gets to deal with the hormones.  I thought the levels from IVF were bad but I am now going from laughing hysterics to crying then laughing at the fact that I'm crying.  It's full on cray cray.  I feel like I'm not even me right now.

And Pregnancy Brain!  I've heard of it of course but I really thought it'd kick in later.  Holy hell do I feel like a simpleton.  Nothing major, but a LOT of kind of "duh Kati!" moments.

And finally my scare last night.  I had really bad cramps that woke me up at 1am.  The grab a pillow and sit hunched over and moan cramps.  I went to the bathroom and checked - no bleeding.  So I just took two tylenol and tried to go back to sleep.  Then and again this morning I googled and it appears that this can be normal *OR* can be miscarriage.  But I've heard plenty talk about "I had what I thought were period cramps but turns out I was PG" so I'm trying to believe that's simply what this was.  Just the only time I had cramps that bad was the one period after my miscarriage so of course I can't help but freak out a little.

Oh - and as for how I told Jeff?  I waited all day Friday (got through my five hour work shift) and kept off the internet a bit to avoid spilling the beans so that he would be the first person who heard.  When he came home I simply said "I thought we could go out to dinner tonight....to celebrate."  Big smiles.

And last but not least the first two FRERs from Friday and Saturday.

Wink Wink

So first let me say upfront that Jeff said this time around he didn't want me to tell anyone the outcome of our FET except for family and my internet girls (I assume he might have just meant the #75strong, but he could have also meant the COA, TB girls on 3T, IF, or TTCAL or even here.  Who am I to get clarification?  I'd rather guess that he meant all internet females possible.

BUT let me stress I'm not to be telling others so if by some chance a friend of mine happens to read this *cough* I didn't tell you nothing.  Nor can I tell your sister. *cough* And DO NOT call me this week as there is nothing to talk about.  Understand?  I do not want to be a liar to my husband so I am not telling anyone aside from our parents and siblings and the "internet girls".

And I totally understand and am very hesitant as well.  Because once you experience loss it's hard to not worry.  And if you've been through four years of infertility you don't believe in a happy ending.  You believe this will only continue.  Possibly forever.  And I've only had four days of positive tests.  And a positive beta of 104 with a P4 of 18.  Last time I had three days of positive tests and a positive beta of 40 something but then it all went to shit - that day of beta is when I started to miscarry.  So I get it.  I totally get it.

But for today I am pregnant.  After one thousand, five hundred and eighty three days of fighting infertility.  Four years and four months of trying, five IUIs, one chemical pregnancy, one IVF and one FET.  Tomorrow I will go over some of the "fun stuff"...symptoms,  tests, etc.  for now I need a nap!

All aboard the cRaZy TrAiN

Yep, you always think "This time I won't go nuts.  I won't google, I won't test, I will just wait patiently."

YEAH RIGHT!

You become an IF cray cray train!  What's that you ask?

It's that thing, when a women won't stop making ridiculous statements about phantom symptoms that are most likely due to the hormones she's taking.

(Sorry, I love Stephan and have him in my head right now)

Since this is my last 2ww ever you want to hear my crazy train?  I think my nipples are bigger, yes nuts over here.  Jeff thinks they're the same but whateves -  I know my nips.  I have had twinges and sharp cramps but only in a specific area...if you split my uterus into four quadrants it's the upper right.  My cray cray thoughts is if it was drugs, wouldn't it be in various places where as if it's implantation pain it would be localized to one spot right?

HUNGRY!  We know from my c/p that when PG I'm seriously hungry.  Now, I'm not *as* hungry as I was then but check this shit out (Please no judging remember I said I'm on massive hormones)...Yesterday for breakfast I was all healthy; glass of OJ and bowl of Special K with 2% Milk.  Then it went down hill...for lunch I had a Quarter Pounder with cheese meal with fries from McD ***AND*** a fish fillet.  And when I was done eating it?  I was like "I could still eat.  I'm not full."  So I had a peanut butter cup and a kit kat from the dwindling halloween stash.  Then for dinner, I was a work and I asked them to make me a grilled cheese and fries - they forgot so I ran out to Panda Express and got a bowl with fried rice and orange chicken and inhaled that shit in ten minutes.  And guess what?  After that gluttonous day, I lost two pounds.  LOST WEIGHT.  Oh if only this happened all the time from eating like that!

Not to mention the low blood sugar this morning (maybe from the candy and orange chicken last night but really that's not much sugar compared to other times).  And the weird ass dreams.  So I caved and took one of the cheapy internet test strips one of the girls sent me this morning.  at 5dp6dt.  I consider it like 10dpo because while it's a six day embryo it's development is that of most five days.  But still possible to have a positive, but nope- stark white.  But I know these are not that sensitive.  I won't use an FRER until the weekend.

But I'm just shaking my head, can't believe no matter how hard I try the cray cray always kick in around this time.  Five more days until beta....Aarrgghh!!!

Stork award?

So I've gotten a few other blog awards from fellow IFers but not the Stork Award (could this be a good sign for tomorrow's FET?).  Thank you Sausha from Welcome to My Uterus for the love.

How it works:
1.  Add the avatar for the award in your blog post (done)
2.  Link to the blog that nominated you (check)
3.  Answer the ten questions given to you
4.  Nominate bloggers
5.  Ask your nominee's their ten questions
6.  Let your nominee's know they've been awarded
7.  Put the award icon on your side bar if so inclined (I'm not that crafty!)

Questions given to me....
1. What's your favorite curse word?  I would say that it's variation of fuck but I've learned over the years I say Shit more often and when about to be in a car accident that is what escapes my lips so I guess it's shit and it's variations (I use Shit-Ton alot).

2.  Do you have any tattoos?  Why yes.  I have a gecko on my hip named Buddy that I got as a 24 year old.

3.  Are you a morning person? Nope - I'm the type that hits snooze forever.  In fact I now have to have three alarms going off every two minutes in order to get up.  I've found if I only have one going off every five minutes I can keep sleeping until the alarm just gives up on me.

4.  What are three physical features you get complimented on a lot?  Hmmmm, my hair is what people at work compliment me on the most.  I'm told year ago (though I think it might be a lie) that I was runner up for "Best Smile" my senior year in HS.  And well, I guess eyes get third because saying boobs just sounds crass HA.

5.  What is your favorite holiday?  Christmas!  I looooove to give presents.  In fact I think sometimes I'm too hard on myself when I can't find the "perfect" gift, or if I think I found the perfect gift and the receiver's reaction isn't as over the top as I feel it should be (hehehe).   But seriously, I really do love to try and find something perfect for all my family members.

6.  What's your favorite animal?  I've been obsessed with penguins since 2nd grade.  I collect penguins for my christmas decor and love that in Fight Club that's his "power animal".  They became more "in" after March of the Penguins and Happy Feet so part of me likes they finally got the recognition they deserve and part of me is like "You joiners!  I've loved them for years!"  Yeah, I'm a nut.

7.  Do you have any pets.  Sadly no.  I'm a dog person and had dogs when I lived with my parents, my senior year in college my roommate Kimmy got us a dog, etc but when I was working sales I was just gone too much to have one and now with Jeff - - - he never had pets so I think it's something I have to convince him of.  I'd said "Once we have a house and kids" but it's four years into the marriage and no house because of paying for trying to have a kid.  We hope to have both in the next year but if one or both don't come true I still think in the next year or two I'll sway him (because he'll do almost anything to make me happy).

8.  What's one thing you'd really like to do before you die?  Tough one.  I used to want to skydive but somewhere after 30 I've become "meh" on that one.  I'd love to travel to Ireland or Italy but if I die without going it won't be the worst thing.  IDK...Too hard.  Maybe I'm just not the type to put that much pressure on myself.  I just want to be happy.  Not too much to ask right?

9.  What would be your first purchase if you won the lottery?  A house or a trip to vegas...depends on when I won it I guess (as I wouldn't want to go to Vegas in the summer months).

10.  Do you still wish upon stars?  Yes, OCD girl here when I was little (like 8 or 9?)  I made minor wishes on stars to see which came true and found my "luckiest star" was the one farthest to the left on Orion's Belt so I actually have only been wishing on that star for over two decades.  If I can't find it, I don' wish.  (Remember I said I'm a nut?  Yeah....the cray cray is strong in this one).


As a thank you to some of my more recent followers (Have I really been doing this blog for over three years?!)  I nominate these lovely ladies:
1.  Runcc37 at Running and Dreaming for Two  I hope IVF#2 brings you your miracle!
2.  Ttuprincess at Table for Two  Congrats on losing wight girl!  Keep it up!
3.  L at Put on a Happy Face   Almost half baked! What what!!
4.  Running Red at The harder to Get, the Better to have  So close to due date!!

Since you all have been commenting on my posts the last months I figure you'll see this so that's my way of informing you :)  Lazy lady over here!  And since these things are supposed to be fun do this only if you feel like it and have time - no pressure from me.  Just a nice way to get to know ya a little better.

MY QUESTIONS FOR YOU:
1.  If you could change your first name, what would it be? (Or if you don't know, have you ever been told you look like a "Fill in name here")
2.  What is one of your irrational fears?
3.  What is your favorite or most used ap if you have a smart phone?
4.  What's something odd that you're good at?
5.  Favorite movie?
6.  What's the best meal you've ever had?
7.  What was one of your funniest moments in life?
8.  Who was your teenage celebrity crush?
9.  What was the worst date you have had like?
10.  Did you have a moment where you knew your DH was "the one"?

Why had I not thought of that?

On a call to my brother yesterday finalizing some Turkey day plans he asked "So when will you know?" and I explained that my beta is for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving but I'd like to try and get it moved to the Monday before so that if it is positive I could have my second one on Wednesday.

And then it all hit me.  This all comes to a head right before Thanksgiving.  First let me say that when we original planned it I thought Thanksgiving was a week earlier (It's *not* the third Thursday of the month? Wha?!?)  so I thought I would not know but now...I will.  Sort of.

I told him I'd really like the second one before the holiday because well, last time the second one is when my beta started going down.  So he said "So either you will not be drinking or you'll be drinking ALOT."  And I laughed "Yes exactly" but the thought hit me - that's the end if I'm not PG.  Like the end, the end.  The end of our infertility journey.  The end to the hope of being parents.  And I'll find out just days before the holiday.

Now, if I had a normal job this wouldn't be too bad as I feel I can compartmentalize and not associate the holiday with all my hopes and fears of being a family and the following year and I'd have a four day weekend off work to deal with the mourning of this.  But instead I work retail now, and instead of having four days off I have Wednesday and Thursday off and will be working 8am-4pm Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  So if it's bad news I'll have to suck it up and face the world of mom's and dad's and screaming toddlers.  And if it's good news I'll still be running around like mad not able to take it easy because it's frickin black Friday weekend.  At Tar.get.  Oh Lord Help Me!

But I just can't believe I had not put together the implications of knowing if it did or did not work the week of Thanksgiving.  Good or Bad - there are issues to deal with.  Obviously I will be over the moon happy to try and handle whatever I have to if it's positive.  Like wake up even earlier to get a third beta before work if I have to.

But yeah....it hit me.  Holy Shit!  How did I not think about that before now?!

Laaaaaid Back oh FET cycle I love you.

Having never done IVF and FET before this last two months I knew the "on paper" idea of what both entailed but really didn't know what it was like.  For the IVF I was not aware just how all consuming  it would be.  Up to three shots a day and various pills etc with morning appt. and evening phone calls it really is something you think about non-stop.

Oh FET how wonderfully laid back you are!  I knew it meant less drugs and doctors visits but I still thought I'd have a fairly one track mind.  But with just the patches and one nightly shot the first eight nights I nearly forgot to do it some nights.  Can you believe that? Almost forgot!  Of course I didn't but it was nice that it wasn't on my mind so much.  Less stress, less obsessing.

So what HAS been going on then since I have not been daily blogging?  Well I started nightly ganirelix after my baseline on Mon Nov 4th as well as doing two patches of minivelle every two days.  This was to both increase my estrogen levels (so that my lining would thicken up) yet suppress any growth of follicles basically to trick my body into getting it into the right spot to think it ovulates.  That Friday I had my first lining check and it was at 5mm so I was given estrace twice daily (up the vag) aka smurf cootch pills to add and as planned we moved on to four minivelle patches for three days at a time for the following week.

This friday was my second lining check and I'm proud to say I am at 10.7!  Never been this thick and fluffy!!  Patches and estrace did their job.  E2 was at 1594 yet ovaries are "sleeping" as my U/S tech said.  So we are a go for FET next Friday.  We'll start to wean down the number of patches and start progesterone tomorrow.  No!!! The dreaded PIO!  Argh!  This is where the stress will begin!  I *may* have Jeff do it but I'm going to try and keep with me doing all the shots (keep the control, plus he's never done any shots and is a bit squeamish).  Need to go off to YouTube soon to learn how on earth to do self PIO.

But, you want to hear something funny?  When I was told (On the table) what my lining was I threw my arms up in victory.  She laughed at me but I was really fearing thin lining since I've had issues with that in the past.  And then for some unknown reason I got "My lining brings all the eggs to the yard and they're like 'It's better than yours'. "   My mind is a fucked up place people.  SMH

Victory is MINE!

So I spent much time last night and this morning working up a spreadsheet on what happened when, what was billed to my insurance agency, how it was discounted and therefore what I owe for our IVF cycle.  Gotta actually love that insurance is now online now, can't imagine ten years ago having to wait for paper to come in the mail to prove this shit.  And yes - I'm one of those anal retentive people that loves to spreadsheet and color code.  BOOM.  This is what I sent my RE's finance department:

Date	Day of the Week	What for?	Billed	Discounted	Paid by insurance	owed by us
18-Sep	Wednesday	Baseline	$538.85	$325.25	$170.44	$43.16
23-Sep	Monday	Monitoring	$358.00	$187.97	$136.02	$34.01
25-Sep	Wednesday	Monitoring	$358.00	$187.97	$136.02	$34.01
26-Sep	Thursday	Monitoring	$358.00	$187.97	$136.02	$34.01
27-Sep	Friday	Monitoring	$358.00	$187.97	$136.02	$34.01
28-Sep	Saturday	Monitoring	$358.00	$187.97	$136.02	$34.01
30-Sep	Monday	Monitoring	$358.00	$187.97	$136.02	$34.01
2-Oct	Wednesday	EGG Retrieval	$8,414.00	$4,762.92	$2,513.44	$1,137.64
8-Oct	Tuesday	U/S for Cyst	$267.00	$0.00	$0.00	$267.00
15-Oct	Tuesday	Baseline	$358.00	$0.00	$0.00	$358.00
		TOTALS	$11,725.85	$6,215.99	$986.56	$247.22
					$2,513.44	$1,762.64
					$3,500.00	$2,009.86
				Coverage	$3,500
				We Paid		$5,000
				Minus what we owe		$2,990.14
				Minus cost of FET of $3,050		($59.86)

Now the great part is that according to my insurance company - before the ER bill (that has not been processed yet thus why guesses are highlighted in pink) I only used up about $600 of my IF coverage.  Not the $986.56 I've added up because of what was paid) so that means some of the charges for B/W or U/S does not actually fit into their IF category and was covered under regular insurance.  That means I'll actually pay LESS out of pocket.  However I proved that I will have enough to cover all but about $60 of the FET so there is no way I should be required to pay an additional $3,050 upfront for it if I have a credit coming my way of $2,990.14.  AND I got her to agree this is the case, and email that shit to me in writing that our credit will most likely cover most all of that cost.  Boo-ya. Victory is Mine!

Of course, since alas I never had it in writing about the freeze being covered I am sucking it up and paying that because whether it came from the $5,000 deposit or from us now - we'd pay it to someone eventually since the $5,000 doesn't cover what we owe after insurance handles the fresh cycle, the FET, and the freeze cost.  But since the cryo lab mentioned a possible discount I'm gonna try like hell to get that since I've heard from some of my #75strong that I'm over paying as it is.  So I'm not gonna feel bad damn it.  I will sleep fine tonight.

ETA:  They just called back - got the cost of freeze lowered from $1,100 to $850.  I seriously feel like dancing around the house to the theme from Rocky right now.  Yesterday it looked like we would be out another $4,150 and today I'm able to say now it's just $910.  FUCK YEAH!

What a cluster fuck this has turned into

So first let me explain the massive miscommunication that is the instructions.  Waaay back in 2010 when I first met with my RE I gave a hotmail account as my email.  I never got anything in that account from them other than articles about various infertility related things (often not even applying to me like PCOS).  So when that account got hacked, I changed to a yahoo account but kept the hotmail account simply for spam (you know...people I didn't want to have my real account so it's flooded with emails from online shopping and such).  Fast forward to this past cycle.  I got my instructions for IVF from the coordinator herself as I always had and was never told anything would be emailed to me.  Discussions on payments and what they cover were also all done over the phone - no emails.

So over three years of in person or over phone discussions.  Suddenly post IVF they email my FET protocol to me the day after egg retrieval.  But to my old hotmail account that I only clean out once a month (usually there is over 400 emails and I just quickly scan through the sender to make sure it's no one I know).  Because I never noticed this email or was told to expect it I didn't know I was given specific instructions like "Keep taking progesterone even if your period shows up"  and "Start Lupron on 10/14".  Instead, I start my period on 10/11 and I call their Highland Park office (the one's in change of IVF, not my local office).  They inform me of the missed email, that I'm starting luron Monday, and don't mention to keep taking the progesterone.  Because it was after 4pm CST I have to scramble with my specialty pharmacy in EST zone to make a special trip to UPS to get my meds here by Monday and patiently wait for them to resend this protocol email to my current address.

Monday morning arrives, the meds show up, but still no email - so I don't know how much of the lupron I'm supposed to take.  So I call my local clinic (because they know me and seem to get shit done much better than IVF HP location).  That nurse informs me if I got my period and stopped taking the progesterone that it suddenly changes my protocol and timing AND MEDS!  WHA???  Why didn't HP tell me this?  Thankfully after a baseline, and behind the scenes consultations with RE they decide that I can "swap" the lupron I rush ordered for Ganirelix(using their stash at the office this saves me $840 OOP), and use birth control, and just move my FET date to Nov. 15th.  But emails were going back and forth so that both my local nurse and my RE understand the mix up in communication and why I was so upset.  A) if they are suddenly going to start communicating with email they should TELL YOU to expect that and sometime in the five phone calls and two office visits someone should have TOLD ME either what the hell my time line and protocol was or made sure I GOT the email.  But at least I was heard, understood, apologized to for the fuck ups and we're still on track for for FET Nov. 15th now instead of Oct. 28th (which apparently was what they were shooting for if I had not stopped the progesterone and thus been able to started the lupron). WHEW.

**Sorry this is such a long ass post but I seriously need to get this off my chest.**  Now for the finance fuck up.  As I said, everything was done over the phone or in person.  I had been told the IVF (non meds part) cycle would cost $10,000 - but that since I have some insurance coverage it will be sent to insurance and they would negotiate the rates down to say $7,000...of which I have a $3,500 coverage for IF.  So they pay half and I'd pay the other $3,500.  They said they needed a deposit of $5,000 to cover not only this $3,500 but $1,100 for cost of freezing any embryos and then $400 for room on if they were off on negotiated rates.  If we didn't have anything to freeze or the rates were negotiated as they expected I would get $400 or we also have nothing to freeze we would get that credit back.  Well we didn't end up doing a fresh transfer so there should be some credit in there right?  And they said SPECIFICALLY about the cost of freezing is included.

Now suddenly I have a cryogenics center saying I owe them $1,100 for the freeze.  NO, I was told that was included.  They called and checked and called me back saying "No, sorry you still owe us $1,100".  They are giving me time to deal with my finance department to see if I can get that money from them since that's not what I was told.  And she said she could try to see if I can get a discount (I think because I was crying on the phone about how I was no told that etc.etc.etc.)

So I've tried calling my finance department.  A) no one answers their phone. Ever.  It always goes to voicemail.  I knew this from back in August trying to get answers on the initial cost.  BUT OK, I leave you a voicemail - call me back the same day would you?  NOPE.

Then today I get an email about how "I see you're about to start a FET cycle.  Our records indicate you are self pay.  You will owe $3,050 for the cycle."  and it lays out what all that covers.  Um...I don't have anything in writing like this for the fresh cycle so no way to prove what they told me about the freezing.  And while my coverage for IF stuff is done, I can still have it run through insurance to get the negotiated rates.  And since I didn't do a fresh transfer I should have some credit in that area.  AND if you're not paying for the freeze I am I should have even more coming to me.  AND CALL ME BACK YOU FUCKTARDS.

You know how they say you should try to stay as stress free during this crap as possible?  YOU ARE NOT HELPING.  Somehow we  have to come up with $4,150 soon or work this shit out fast.  Just shoot me.  I can't take much more of this.

I'm too young to feel this damn old

This phrase did escape my mouth twice yesterday and damn it if it isn't true.

First let me say that moving from doing desk jobs for over eight years to physical retail work for the last four years is clearly not good for my body.  Long time followers of the blog will remember I have chronic tennis elbow.  While cortisone shots can make the pain go away for six month stretches, I will most likely need surgery within the next year or two.  I didn't know how cortisone might affect IVF so this is the first time I've said "Fuck it, I'll live with the pain."  So that's hurt since my last shot wore off in early September.

And in July I developed what I believe is planter fasciitis in my left foot.  So it hurts when I first start walking (when I first get up in the morning and if I sit for a while after a period of being up and around).  I had hoped that the 12 days off work would resolve this (Since many sites say rest can clear it up).  But I started working again on Thursday and damn it yesterday if I wasn't hobbling around like I'm 80 first thing in the morning.

Then there's that cyst on my left ovary giving me some pains here and there.

Then I got my period yesterday.  Hello back pain and cramps.

Oh, and I've apparently developed stress bumps on my face. WHAT THE FUCK?!  I've dealt with moving cross country on my own, being fired from a job, getting married, and four years of infertility treatments - not to mention last week waiting for phone calls and NOW once all that is behind me I get this?

So yes people...I'm sitting here with a hurting right elbow, left foot, left ovary, crampy uterus, back pain and and an ugly face full of bumps and the five pounds I've gained from IVF and eating takeout all the time the last three weeks from being too tired to cook.  And I get to start stabbing myself again with needles starting with Lupron come Monday.  Pity party time.  I'd love to go back to being someone where my biggest physical complaint is a zit or a headache.

Pokey didn't make it

Pokey didn't make it.  So we have just the one frozen embryo.  But it's a 4BB embryo, and it made it.  So that will be what's transferred at the FET.  Talk about pressure on little Lucky!  I don't know what else to say.  This one embryo is our last chance.  It's really sinking in now we're nearing the end of this IF journey one way or the other.

Dance of Joy!

So they called early for once!  No day of agony!

I'm happy to report that one of our little Amigos has made it to full blastocyst stage and is ready to freeze!  And another is not far behind as it's in early blast and still growing so they said they will let it continue to day seven.  Wha?!  I've never heard of letting embryos grow to day seven but already in the last few minutes I've had two fellow IFers say they've either hear of that or done that as well so at least I know it's not unheard of.  And yeah, let my little Pokey keep going!  (Am I showing my age when I think of Gumby and Pokey?)

So the Three Amigo's there names were Dusty Bottoms, Lucky Day, and Ned Nederlender.  I'm calling the frostie Lucky after Steve Martin's character.  And if Pokey makes it, we'll transfer both Lucky and Pokey in our FET.  

Lucky
<----- p="">

Pokey
----->




As for my Ultrasound, I have a 40mm "bloody" cyst on my left ovary.  Which is also apparently hiding slightly behind my uterus...so they said when I lay on my back or left side I'm sort of "squishing" on that ovary.  Eewwww!  RE will be consulted to hear if we're going to just watch it to see if it will resolve on it's own or what.  So I have yet another call coming tomorrow to hear about Pokey as well as a call from REs office on the cyst, which since it's bloody I'm calling Carrie.  Yes, I'm naming everything today!  Call me a little cray-cray, I'm ok with it.

They called...Day five

So once again two posts in one day!  Most of this is copied and pasted from TB so if you follow me on IF there...you've seen this.
This was my email to my husband titled:  Can I throat punch people?

So obviously this has been one of the most nerve wracking days of my life.  You know I'm not a patient person, but yeah I made it til one o'clock before calling.  They apologized that I was told I would get a three day report...they said since I was switched to a freeze all that they don't check them on day three because they want to keep them as undisturbed as possible (Um, that's not what you said on Thursday!) whatever.  Then she explained that the lab voicemail is not checked by the embryologist but their receptionist (they have their own receptionist?!?) and she doesn't work on the weekend so they didn't even know to call me to let me know there would be no three day check.  

As for today - again, since we're a freeze-all they are busy in the morning with egg retrievals, and transfers all morning.  Then move on to day one fertilization reports for those that had retrievals yesterday, then day three folks, then finally me.  So I won't be called until late afternoon.  WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE EXPLAIN THAT EARLIER?!

So in other words, still waiting for the call.  But they do want me to come into my local office tomorrow for an ultrasound due to the pain I described.  Could be left over follies because cysts or ovary torsion, but they said since Tylenol helped and it has dulled since this morning and I don't have a fever it's not an immediate worry.

I love you.  Thanks for letting me word vomit.

After the call this was my email to my MIL & SIL (I called Jeff to talk to him directly)

So to explain the news I need to get a little technical, please forgive me.

On day 3 after fertilization, the embryos are 6-9 cells.  On day four to five they have divided more times and look like a ball of cells that's call a "Morula".  On day five to six they reach "blastocyst" stage - which is what they need to be in order to be able to freeze them.  I'm being geeky and attaching a picture so you can see what I mean.  

Of our seven that fertilized, four arrested around day three when they were 6-9 cells.  Our remaining three are at the "Morula" stage which is most typical of day four but can still happen on day five.  So we need these three to keep growing to reach blastocyst stage when they check them tomorrow, to see how many (if any) they are able to freeze.  I told Jeff that since I'm a fairly lazy person, hopefully so are our trio and they just need a little extra time to make it there.  So yet again I have another agonizing day waiting for a phone call.  

Aside from that, I felt great on Saturday and all day yesterday but then had intense cramping last night and this morning that woke me up.  It's bad enough that they want me to come in for an ultrasound tomorrow to see if any remaining follicles turned into cysts or if my ovaries in their mango size state got twisted and I'm dealing with ovary "torsion" (although without a high fever and the fact that the pain comes and goes that's unlikely).  

So that's where we are.  I'll let you know tomorrow the final outcome on our three Amigos.  

So that's it.  See? I am lazy!  Copy/Paste was so much easier then writing that all out again!  

The Waiting in the Hardest Part

Oh Tom Petty how right you are.  The waiting IS the hardest part.

Have you ever realized one phone call will determine the path your life will take?  I didn't know it at the time, but the phone call I got back in May of 2010 saying we were dealing with a diagnosed fertility issue certainly changed the course of my life.  The wait to find out my second beta and that we were in deed miscarrying was another excruciating wait.  Of course the pain of that day overshadows the memory of the wait immensely.  Today is another one of those phone calls.  And the wait is agonizing.  I've been trying to be optimistic and using positive thinking but it stopped last night and the fear crept in.

What if the reason the lab never called this weekend is because my embies didn't even make it to day 3?  I started google searching (never good) and saw all kinds of dizzying stats that say anything to 15% - 40% percent of embies make it to freeze (No one seems to agree on the percent).  OMG I have a 60%-85% chance of not having anything?  I was hoping for four but now I'll take anything. ANYTHING!  The sheer thought that I could be getting a phone call any minute and it will steer the course forward of if we can or cannot have a shot at ever being parents is almost overwhelming.

No words can capture the terror.  Now, if we do have embies I will have another wait like this.  But for now I'm just freaking out.  I can't function.  Seriously.

Oh, and I had HORRIBLE cramps at midnight and again this morning at 6:30am.  So bad I was curled in the fetal position crying.  What the fuck is that about?  I felt fine Saturday and all day Sunday.  I've asked the #75 gals and the IF bump gals.  I will be asking about that when they call (if I can remember anything after they tell me the news).  Don't mean to end this abruptly but serious I can't focus.

Day 3 fert report?!?!?

So when they called me with the fert report on Thursday she said that they look at them again Saturday and I *could* be called if I wanted.  I was all like "Yeah I want to be called!" So she said "OK, I'll make a note for them to call you."  Well since Thursday I had spent the whole morning just starring at the phone I thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house and distract myself.  So Jeff and I took a two hour drive up to Milwaukee through some scenic area so I could look at the fall foliage (I'm a massive sucker for leaves changing) and then go to the casino up there - Potawatomi.  Our paperwork says that the clinic could call at anytime up to 6pm.  They didn't call.  And of course by 6pm when I tried to call to get answers, no one answered.  Admittedly I was able to go full half hours without checking my phone - instead of every five minutes - to see if I missed a call.  And I was having fun in the process instead of a ball of anxious nerves but still! AND we were able to stretch the money we'd brought for seven hours (and have a decent buffet for dinner).  We did not walk away winners, but of course I'd rather our luck was with our embryos instead of in a slot machine, but I was very happy to be feeling well enough to get out of the house for so long (granted most of it was sitting on my butt, which is exactly the kind of "activity" I needed).  But I consider any casino trip a win if we can win enough from our small amount of money that we could keep playing for six hours.  I particularly enjoyed the new Family Guy game.  

Since it's Sunday I called several numbers (five to be exact) getting the voice mail run around of on call nurses until someone finally answered a phone, said that's the lab's fault and gave me the secret option button they don't tell you on the machine to get through to the lab.  But of course the lab is busy "doing procedures" so I had to leave a message.  So now I get to spend today once again starring at the phone.  OMG!  Talk about testing my patience!  I WANNA KNOW HOW MY EMBIES ARE DOING DAMNIT!  This shows I'd be a concerned parent right? LOL.  I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass, just a simple phone call that they were supposed to make anyway.  Grrrrr.

Two posts in one day! Fert Report and info on FET

In case you missed it, I wrote at 8am all about our retrieval day already and mentioned waiting for the call.

And it finally came at 11am.  She and I talked for a while about how I was feeling before I finally said "And now for the good news???  Or I hope good news??"  (That pause in the conversation made me almost have a heart attack.)

Then she told me; of the 13 retrieved...eleven were mature.  Of the eleven mature, seven were fertilized with ICSI.  I was a little bit sad as I'd hoped for a fert report of ten growing embies but reminded myself that those that didn't fertilize were for a reason: maybe my older eggs, maybe sperm chromosomal issues.  Who knows?  What I know is that seven made it.  Whew.

She informed me that I won't get a report tomorrow, they like to let them rest in as close to a natural environment for a day in between checks.  (My womb would be dark and warm so they leave them in the dark warm incubator).  OK, she said "I can put if you want a report on Saturday."  Um YEAH!  But that report won't give me # of cells.  Only how many are still growing.  : (   I know other IVFers get that info so I was a bit surprised but she said again, they like to not disturb the embryos while they're growing as much as possible so they only take a quick peak under the microscope and count how many are still growing and cells dividing. But don't count the amount of cells? Oh well, trying to keep putting my trust that they want what's best for my little embies.  On Monday they will give me another call with the stats of how many cells each of the surviving embies are and do assisted hatching before freeze.  She said some might go until day six to reach where they want them for freezing.  

Then we talked a very short while about moving forward.  She said I'll be on the progesterone supps (was able to switch to oral instead of vag inserts since it's just to manipulate my body in prep for the FET).  She said I'd be on progesterone to get my body to then shed lining and start fresh for next cycle for the FET and that I will be on lupron.  Goodie - more shots.  I was not on lupron before so this is something new.  Hope it's cheap.  I was slipped some estrogen patches from the nurse that called me the other day and said she'd try to hoard drugs for me.  I don't know how much the lupron costs.  I hope it's cheap, as I think now it will be the only drug I have to buy since I already have estrace, these patches she slipped me, vag supps, ect.  She said for a FET in early November.  So that's that.  C'mon super seven!!

The day after ER

So 24 hours later I am not as sore but it still hurts to cough, sneeze, pee or laugh.  And my tongue is stained red from the 80oz. of Fruit Punch gatorade to keep OHSS at bay.  I did send Jeff off to work though, feeling well enough to take care of myself.

So first let me tackle the actual day of ER.  Jeff and I agreed to leave at 6:15am, thinking well it normally take about 50-55min to get there on the weekend, Rush hour will add about 20 minutes.  PLUS we'll take a different route that is more of a "back way" instead of the main road.  UGH - mistake!!  Because we don't know the back way well we didn't even know how close we were when we were sitting in bumper to bumper traffic.  By checking on my phone when we only had 20 minutes until appointment time (7:30) I realized yep, we're going to be late.  Que stomach flip flopping and massive nerves.  Finally at 7:30 I realize we're only about five miles away - we'll be very close to our check in time, only a few minutes late.  And then traffic just stopped. At 7:40 they called to see what happened to us and I explain we're in horrific traffic just one mile away. (I actually think of how much faster I'd get there if I just got out of the car and walk.) I feel much better when she says "We figured, just get here safely."

7:45 enter office, get signed in, get changed into gown and hair net.  Get weighed and told to pee one last time.  8:10 Jeff gets taken to the "husband room" for his contribution.  8:40 They come to get me from our little room.  There is no TV in the little room, just a medical recliner for me and a chair for Jeff but he plays Candy Crush on his phone as I go off for retrieval LOL.  It's amazing the amount of people they have in this little room - it's me, the anesthesiologist, the U/S tech, and two nurses.  I get my IV set up and they say the embryologist will confirm my name before giving me the juice.  RE walks in and they knock on the Embryologist door, she peaks her head out and I state my name and birthday and then they say I'm getting the drugs.  I remember them saying "We're gonna record all the funny things you say."   And I say "No!!  But when I had my breast reduction I do remember I tried to sell my surgeon television advertising."  Boom next thing I'm asleep.  It takes about 20 minutes for the ER and a few minutes later they're saying "Wake up Kati" and help me into a wheelchair to bring me back to Jeff.  The pain was intense so they gave me two tylenol, then some drug of who knows what in my IV and a heating pad.  Plus a ginger ale and some crackers.  After about half an hour I was given my instructions and asked if I could see Dr. Jacobs since I hadn't really talked to him except to say hello.

He comes by and I ask the main question I've been wondering "When do we decide if it's a freeze-all?"  And he says "Oh it is a freeze all."  And I said "But what if - and I'm trying to think positively here- but what if they're not looking good on day three or five and you think they may not make it to freeze?"  And he matter of factly says "If they're not good enough to freeze, they're most likely not good enough to survive anyway".  Ummm - ok?  First - that was a bit harsh, what happened to his kind bedside manner I've seen?  Second, I know that's not true - I've seen plenty of gals on the boards with morula 4 cell three day transfers that were worried and ended up pregnant.  But I know that he is just trying to give us the best chance, and with my progesterone levels he's probably right.  Because those with lower grade embryos didn't have hormone levels out of whack but it was sobering to hear - this really is it.  If none make it to freeze, our journey to be parents has ended.  No pressure.   HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

So now I sit...it's 8am.  They'll call later today to tell me how many of those 13 are mature.  And how many of those mature eggs fertilized and are growing.  It's so odd to just think of what is going on in that little room out in Highland Park.  Our possible future child/ren.  My paperwork says they can call anytime in the day until 6pm.  Please don't make me wait that long to hear what's going on!  This first hour of being awake it's all I can think about.