I feel like the drama faces Happy/Sad

So my first beta was 104 on Monday.  Meaning that on Wednesday it was supposed to be 208 to have doubled in 48 hours.  But instead it was 172.  Now from my math skills I thought this meant a 73 hour doubling time (normal is 48-72 so to me 73 hours meant beta hell).  But on countdowntopregnancy.com using a beta base it said it was a doubling time of 66 hours so maybe they know something I don't.  So I tried to remain hopeful.  But lets face it, once you've known the pain of miscarrying it's hard.  But I think I did damn well.  I cried for just five minutes and then moved on to trying to enjoying getting to see my parents, brother and his family for the Thanksgiving holiday.  But as the 27 hours at my brothers wore on, I got more sad.  And emotional.  Ah hormones.

So Friday morning I went in for bloodwork and head off to black Friday shopping at Tar.get running the front lanes and cashiers.  Ugh.  Could there be a worse day to have to work while worrying?  Well I guess it was a blessing in disguise because I was able to stay distracted for almost the whole time.  The one thing I couldn't decide that morning was this:  Do I listen to the voicemail while at work or wait until I'm home in case it's bad news?  There were three of us there capable of doing my job and so many cashiers that I felt it was a safe bet I could go home if it was bad news.  So I decided if the call came close to quitting time; I would wait to go home but if it was like two hours I just wouldn't be able to not know for that long.  Know what I mean?  So when the call came at 2:30 (I worked until 4:30) I went on break and listened.

369!!!  (To have doubled in 24 hours it needed to have been at least 344).  Never been so freakin happy.  I started tearing up.  Just couldn't help it.  Tears of joy that never felt so good.  Whew.  So I think I've handled the roller coaster of the last 96 hours amazingly well considering.  But yeah, I definitely feel like those drama faces.

OK so the minor details

You want to know the details right? Well even if you don't here they are for my own edification.

I told you guys six days ago about my thoughts on larger nips and that I POAS of an internet cheapie to stark white?  Well I did that again Thursday and there was a hint of a hint of a ghost of a line.  Enough to make me go through the trash and find the one from Wednesday and it was there too.  But was it evap lines or real?  This convinced me Friday to take the FRER.  And it wasn't a squinter, it was a full on line.

Other symptoms?  The wack-ass dreams.  I have had very real-seeming dreams...when I normally don't remember more than maybe one dream a week - I've been remembering one to three dreams a night.  (And why are the Chicago Blackhawk team showing up so often?)  These are not "Oh, I'm pregnant" dreams, just vivid normal dreams.

And yes the sore boobs.  So much so that last night I wore a sports bra to bed.  Holy hell did that help!  And I'm the kind that loves to come home and take off the bra so it seems unfair that now I'm wanting to put something on.  Ever hear of pregnancy sinusitis?  Yep, blowing my nose a lot or sneezing.  Really thought this was a myth.   And now lets talk TMI, I already have a freakin hemorrhoid?  WTF.  I've never had one before so this is def a new one on me.  And I'm itchy at night - I googled this one because I thought it was weird but I guess it's not as uncommon as I thought.  But it's the "I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin" kind of itchiness.  Jeff reminded me I want all of this.  And I'm like "Yes, I want to be PG and I'll live with whatever comes with it I just didn't know one of them would be even at 4 weeks 1 day to be as itchy as all get out."

And poor Jeff, he gets to deal with the hormones.  I thought the levels from IVF were bad but I am now going from laughing hysterics to crying then laughing at the fact that I'm crying.  It's full on cray cray.  I feel like I'm not even me right now.

And Pregnancy Brain!  I've heard of it of course but I really thought it'd kick in later.  Holy hell do I feel like a simpleton.  Nothing major, but a LOT of kind of "duh Kati!" moments.

And finally my scare last night.  I had really bad cramps that woke me up at 1am.  The grab a pillow and sit hunched over and moan cramps.  I went to the bathroom and checked - no bleeding.  So I just took two tylenol and tried to go back to sleep.  Then and again this morning I googled and it appears that this can be normal *OR* can be miscarriage.  But I've heard plenty talk about "I had what I thought were period cramps but turns out I was PG" so I'm trying to believe that's simply what this was.  Just the only time I had cramps that bad was the one period after my miscarriage so of course I can't help but freak out a little.

Oh - and as for how I told Jeff?  I waited all day Friday (got through my five hour work shift) and kept off the internet a bit to avoid spilling the beans so that he would be the first person who heard.  When he came home I simply said "I thought we could go out to dinner tonight....to celebrate."  Big smiles.

And last but not least the first two FRERs from Friday and Saturday.

Wink Wink

So first let me say upfront that Jeff said this time around he didn't want me to tell anyone the outcome of our FET except for family and my internet girls (I assume he might have just meant the #75strong, but he could have also meant the COA, TB girls on 3T, IF, or TTCAL or even here.  Who am I to get clarification?  I'd rather guess that he meant all internet females possible.

BUT let me stress I'm not to be telling others so if by some chance a friend of mine happens to read this *cough* I didn't tell you nothing.  Nor can I tell your sister. *cough* And DO NOT call me this week as there is nothing to talk about.  Understand?  I do not want to be a liar to my husband so I am not telling anyone aside from our parents and siblings and the "internet girls".

And I totally understand and am very hesitant as well.  Because once you experience loss it's hard to not worry.  And if you've been through four years of infertility you don't believe in a happy ending.  You believe this will only continue.  Possibly forever.  And I've only had four days of positive tests.  And a positive beta of 104 with a P4 of 18.  Last time I had three days of positive tests and a positive beta of 40 something but then it all went to shit - that day of beta is when I started to miscarry.  So I get it.  I totally get it.

But for today I am pregnant.  After one thousand, five hundred and eighty three days of fighting infertility.  Four years and four months of trying, five IUIs, one chemical pregnancy, one IVF and one FET.  Tomorrow I will go over some of the "fun stuff"...symptoms,  tests, etc.  for now I need a nap!

All aboard the cRaZy TrAiN

Yep, you always think "This time I won't go nuts.  I won't google, I won't test, I will just wait patiently."

YEAH RIGHT!

You become an IF cray cray train!  What's that you ask?

It's that thing, when a women won't stop making ridiculous statements about phantom symptoms that are most likely due to the hormones she's taking.

(Sorry, I love Stephan and have him in my head right now)

Since this is my last 2ww ever you want to hear my crazy train?  I think my nipples are bigger, yes nuts over here.  Jeff thinks they're the same but whateves -  I know my nips.  I have had twinges and sharp cramps but only in a specific area...if you split my uterus into four quadrants it's the upper right.  My cray cray thoughts is if it was drugs, wouldn't it be in various places where as if it's implantation pain it would be localized to one spot right?

HUNGRY!  We know from my c/p that when PG I'm seriously hungry.  Now, I'm not *as* hungry as I was then but check this shit out (Please no judging remember I said I'm on massive hormones)...Yesterday for breakfast I was all healthy; glass of OJ and bowl of Special K with 2% Milk.  Then it went down hill...for lunch I had a Quarter Pounder with cheese meal with fries from McD ***AND*** a fish fillet.  And when I was done eating it?  I was like "I could still eat.  I'm not full."  So I had a peanut butter cup and a kit kat from the dwindling halloween stash.  Then for dinner, I was a work and I asked them to make me a grilled cheese and fries - they forgot so I ran out to Panda Express and got a bowl with fried rice and orange chicken and inhaled that shit in ten minutes.  And guess what?  After that gluttonous day, I lost two pounds.  LOST WEIGHT.  Oh if only this happened all the time from eating like that!

Not to mention the low blood sugar this morning (maybe from the candy and orange chicken last night but really that's not much sugar compared to other times).  And the weird ass dreams.  So I caved and took one of the cheapy internet test strips one of the girls sent me this morning.  at 5dp6dt.  I consider it like 10dpo because while it's a six day embryo it's development is that of most five days.  But still possible to have a positive, but nope- stark white.  But I know these are not that sensitive.  I won't use an FRER until the weekend.

But I'm just shaking my head, can't believe no matter how hard I try the cray cray always kick in around this time.  Five more days until beta....Aarrgghh!!!

Stork award?

So I've gotten a few other blog awards from fellow IFers but not the Stork Award (could this be a good sign for tomorrow's FET?).  Thank you Sausha from Welcome to My Uterus for the love.

How it works:
1.  Add the avatar for the award in your blog post (done)
2.  Link to the blog that nominated you (check)
3.  Answer the ten questions given to you
4.  Nominate bloggers
5.  Ask your nominee's their ten questions
6.  Let your nominee's know they've been awarded
7.  Put the award icon on your side bar if so inclined (I'm not that crafty!)

Questions given to me....
1. What's your favorite curse word?  I would say that it's variation of fuck but I've learned over the years I say Shit more often and when about to be in a car accident that is what escapes my lips so I guess it's shit and it's variations (I use Shit-Ton alot).

2.  Do you have any tattoos?  Why yes.  I have a gecko on my hip named Buddy that I got as a 24 year old.

3.  Are you a morning person? Nope - I'm the type that hits snooze forever.  In fact I now have to have three alarms going off every two minutes in order to get up.  I've found if I only have one going off every five minutes I can keep sleeping until the alarm just gives up on me.

4.  What are three physical features you get complimented on a lot?  Hmmmm, my hair is what people at work compliment me on the most.  I'm told year ago (though I think it might be a lie) that I was runner up for "Best Smile" my senior year in HS.  And well, I guess eyes get third because saying boobs just sounds crass HA.

5.  What is your favorite holiday?  Christmas!  I looooove to give presents.  In fact I think sometimes I'm too hard on myself when I can't find the "perfect" gift, or if I think I found the perfect gift and the receiver's reaction isn't as over the top as I feel it should be (hehehe).   But seriously, I really do love to try and find something perfect for all my family members.

6.  What's your favorite animal?  I've been obsessed with penguins since 2nd grade.  I collect penguins for my christmas decor and love that in Fight Club that's his "power animal".  They became more "in" after March of the Penguins and Happy Feet so part of me likes they finally got the recognition they deserve and part of me is like "You joiners!  I've loved them for years!"  Yeah, I'm a nut.

7.  Do you have any pets.  Sadly no.  I'm a dog person and had dogs when I lived with my parents, my senior year in college my roommate Kimmy got us a dog, etc but when I was working sales I was just gone too much to have one and now with Jeff - - - he never had pets so I think it's something I have to convince him of.  I'd said "Once we have a house and kids" but it's four years into the marriage and no house because of paying for trying to have a kid.  We hope to have both in the next year but if one or both don't come true I still think in the next year or two I'll sway him (because he'll do almost anything to make me happy).

8.  What's one thing you'd really like to do before you die?  Tough one.  I used to want to skydive but somewhere after 30 I've become "meh" on that one.  I'd love to travel to Ireland or Italy but if I die without going it won't be the worst thing.  IDK...Too hard.  Maybe I'm just not the type to put that much pressure on myself.  I just want to be happy.  Not too much to ask right?

9.  What would be your first purchase if you won the lottery?  A house or a trip to vegas...depends on when I won it I guess (as I wouldn't want to go to Vegas in the summer months).

10.  Do you still wish upon stars?  Yes, OCD girl here when I was little (like 8 or 9?)  I made minor wishes on stars to see which came true and found my "luckiest star" was the one farthest to the left on Orion's Belt so I actually have only been wishing on that star for over two decades.  If I can't find it, I don' wish.  (Remember I said I'm a nut?  Yeah....the cray cray is strong in this one).


As a thank you to some of my more recent followers (Have I really been doing this blog for over three years?!)  I nominate these lovely ladies:
1.  Runcc37 at Running and Dreaming for Two  I hope IVF#2 brings you your miracle!
2.  Ttuprincess at Table for Two  Congrats on losing wight girl!  Keep it up!
3.  L at Put on a Happy Face   Almost half baked! What what!!
4.  Running Red at The harder to Get, the Better to have  So close to due date!!

Since you all have been commenting on my posts the last months I figure you'll see this so that's my way of informing you :)  Lazy lady over here!  And since these things are supposed to be fun do this only if you feel like it and have time - no pressure from me.  Just a nice way to get to know ya a little better.

MY QUESTIONS FOR YOU:
1.  If you could change your first name, what would it be? (Or if you don't know, have you ever been told you look like a "Fill in name here")
2.  What is one of your irrational fears?
3.  What is your favorite or most used ap if you have a smart phone?
4.  What's something odd that you're good at?
5.  Favorite movie?
6.  What's the best meal you've ever had?
7.  What was one of your funniest moments in life?
8.  Who was your teenage celebrity crush?
9.  What was the worst date you have had like?
10.  Did you have a moment where you knew your DH was "the one"?

Why had I not thought of that?

On a call to my brother yesterday finalizing some Turkey day plans he asked "So when will you know?" and I explained that my beta is for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving but I'd like to try and get it moved to the Monday before so that if it is positive I could have my second one on Wednesday.

And then it all hit me.  This all comes to a head right before Thanksgiving.  First let me say that when we original planned it I thought Thanksgiving was a week earlier (It's *not* the third Thursday of the month? Wha?!?)  so I thought I would not know but now...I will.  Sort of.

I told him I'd really like the second one before the holiday because well, last time the second one is when my beta started going down.  So he said "So either you will not be drinking or you'll be drinking ALOT."  And I laughed "Yes exactly" but the thought hit me - that's the end if I'm not PG.  Like the end, the end.  The end of our infertility journey.  The end to the hope of being parents.  And I'll find out just days before the holiday.

Now, if I had a normal job this wouldn't be too bad as I feel I can compartmentalize and not associate the holiday with all my hopes and fears of being a family and the following year and I'd have a four day weekend off work to deal with the mourning of this.  But instead I work retail now, and instead of having four days off I have Wednesday and Thursday off and will be working 8am-4pm Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  So if it's bad news I'll have to suck it up and face the world of mom's and dad's and screaming toddlers.  And if it's good news I'll still be running around like mad not able to take it easy because it's frickin black Friday weekend.  At Tar.get.  Oh Lord Help Me!

But I just can't believe I had not put together the implications of knowing if it did or did not work the week of Thanksgiving.  Good or Bad - there are issues to deal with.  Obviously I will be over the moon happy to try and handle whatever I have to if it's positive.  Like wake up even earlier to get a third beta before work if I have to.

But yeah....it hit me.  Holy Shit!  How did I not think about that before now?!

Laaaaaid Back oh FET cycle I love you.

Having never done IVF and FET before this last two months I knew the "on paper" idea of what both entailed but really didn't know what it was like.  For the IVF I was not aware just how all consuming  it would be.  Up to three shots a day and various pills etc with morning appt. and evening phone calls it really is something you think about non-stop.

Oh FET how wonderfully laid back you are!  I knew it meant less drugs and doctors visits but I still thought I'd have a fairly one track mind.  But with just the patches and one nightly shot the first eight nights I nearly forgot to do it some nights.  Can you believe that? Almost forgot!  Of course I didn't but it was nice that it wasn't on my mind so much.  Less stress, less obsessing.

So what HAS been going on then since I have not been daily blogging?  Well I started nightly ganirelix after my baseline on Mon Nov 4th as well as doing two patches of minivelle every two days.  This was to both increase my estrogen levels (so that my lining would thicken up) yet suppress any growth of follicles basically to trick my body into getting it into the right spot to think it ovulates.  That Friday I had my first lining check and it was at 5mm so I was given estrace twice daily (up the vag) aka smurf cootch pills to add and as planned we moved on to four minivelle patches for three days at a time for the following week.

This friday was my second lining check and I'm proud to say I am at 10.7!  Never been this thick and fluffy!!  Patches and estrace did their job.  E2 was at 1594 yet ovaries are "sleeping" as my U/S tech said.  So we are a go for FET next Friday.  We'll start to wean down the number of patches and start progesterone tomorrow.  No!!! The dreaded PIO!  Argh!  This is where the stress will begin!  I *may* have Jeff do it but I'm going to try and keep with me doing all the shots (keep the control, plus he's never done any shots and is a bit squeamish).  Need to go off to YouTube soon to learn how on earth to do self PIO.

But, you want to hear something funny?  When I was told (On the table) what my lining was I threw my arms up in victory.  She laughed at me but I was really fearing thin lining since I've had issues with that in the past.  And then for some unknown reason I got "My lining brings all the eggs to the yard and they're like 'It's better than yours'. "   My mind is a fucked up place people.  SMH