My own Doppleganger

So DH and I are sitting here watching repeats of How I Met Your Mother, and it's the episode where Lily says she and Marshal can't start TTC until they see the final doppelganger of their group - Barney's.  At the end of the episode, Ted is telling Robin how much they've all changed in the five years since they met her and said, "Look we've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? But eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers, you know, these completely different people who just happen to look like us. "  And I have to say I am totally my own Doppelganger! 

Five years ago, I looked almost exactly the same... but Dec. 2006 I was working in television in Milwaukee. I had been single for about nine months after the end of a rebound relationship to get over another guy. I was convinced I would never find love. In fact I had told my friend if I hadn't met "the man of my dreams" by the time I was 35, I would you ART and donor sperm to have a kid! And had even started researching the costs online because I thought I'd have to save up over the next few years (was happy to learn it was more affordable then I thought). How funny life turns out, as I am getting ready for round three of ART with my husband of two and a half years.

I met Jeff six months before Dec. 2006, but just in passing as my BFF said "that's the guy I said you're going to marry."  I thought he looked a little "old".  LOL.  Then in mid Dec. she invited him out for my 29th birthday.  We had our first dance & first kiss that night.  And I thought he liked me...but he didn't ask for my number and weeks went by so I forgot about him again.  And just six months from then - the last weekend in June '07 we will meet again; and that time we'd never be apart again!  In between our first kiss and first actual date - I dated two other guys briefly, (*now referred to as drunk kid and poet boy) as well as had nine first dates in June from a dating website.  Man, am I glad I saw what was wrong with those eleven guys!!   They were not my true love...my Jeff.  My other half. 

But yes, I think I might still recognize myself even with all the changes if Kati v.2006 were to run into Kati v.2011.  The job, the everyday life, the loves....they may all be different now in some ways.  But deep down my doppelganger and I still have a lot in common aside from looks.  I still take baths as often as possible.  I still like to laugh in a relationship more than anything.  I still think the three greatest foods ever invented are cheese, bacon, and peanut butter.  And I still believe I was put on this earth to be a mom.  I hope that five years from now I can look back at this time in my life, but with a four year old in my lap - and laugh at how again I am my own doppelganger.  And at all the ways I've changed....and yet still stayed the same. 

Happy Birthday to me...

Well, it's my Birthday!  I am now 34, *sigh*.  I am one of "those" people who love my birthday.  When I was younger I would start a countdown from about a month away.  As I've gotten older, I only point out to people when it's about a week away.  But yeah, I love being told happy birthday.  I love using the excuse "But it's my birthday" for things like getting out of work, or dishes, or for eating too much. 
Last night was my In Laws annual Christmas party, and she made me feel special by having a small cake (filled with strawberries - YUM) and everyone sang to me and I blew out a candle - anyone wanna take a huge guess on what my wish was?

Well I don't know why the coincidence had to be, but today I saw a few posts on IF vets board that women were mentioning when they were turning 35...the mythical age where fertility starts to really go downhill.  As if my egg reserve knows the date or something! Ha.  But still...now I've spent part of MY DAY thinking how this is the last "good" year I have left.  WTH?  I know there are plenty of women using treatments to have a child after 35.  And my AFC is fine.  Why should a number make a difference?  But it does.  Stupid statistics crapping on my day. 

But let's talk about why my day has been awesome.  Jeff took me to Reese's for breakfast as requested.  I had the "Eggs Bennedict Katie"...which DH swears they invented for me because it's regular bacon instead of Canadian bacon and the owner knows us well.  (The other variations were not named after people, but locations.)  Then we stopped for Eggnog Lattes on the way home.  I've been able to lay around all day because I was able to get someone to work for me at the last possible moment last night before I left work.  And tonight one of my BFFs arrives in town from Georgia for the holidays.  She wants to get together for "mocktails" since she's KU.  And quite frankly I had sooooo much to drink last night I am happy to make mine a "mock" as well.  AND my college roommate who has been stationed in Germany the last three years is moving back to USA for her new assignment, and is in Chicagoland this week visiting her in laws.  I get to have dinner with her tomorrow and meet her two children -ages two and a half (Guillian) and 14 months (Sean).  I have not seen her since May 2008 so I'm super excited.  

And finally,  my gifts.  Jeff had heard my constant complaining the last few months about my crappy phone and got me a smart phone that he let me pick out Friday night so that it'd be perfect.  I picked the Blackberry Curve 9350 because of two factors - the full keyboard and battery life.  After only being able to call and text....this thing is so cool!  I spent my breaks at work yesterday bumping & looking at facebook.  And last night at the party I played around with the camera on it.  I think this will also be my new camera as it appears to take photos just as well (even though my camera is 8megapixels and the phone is only 5). 

My parents got me a Victoria's Secret gift card because I had complained to my mother how I desperately need new bras but just have not spent money on clothes for myself in well... four years almost - since I left my career with the great salary.  I just feel like we never have the money for it now, and don't want to be selfish.  But I will have so much fun on Tuesday getting two new ones and maybe a few pairs of panties. 

And my brother got me a beautiful sterling silver necklace at the length I asked for to help cover my thyroid scar.  After a year and a half, it's not fading as fast as I'd like.  And sadly - the necklace turns out to be about a half inch too short.  Maybe I can find some way to extend it?  Or buy some kick ass charm to cover it?  Because I am really tired of it staring back at me from any picture of us.  I'm sure it's not as noticeable to others but, yeah...it can be hidden. 
So my birthday time is just what I wanted.  Filled with friends & family.  So what if I'm now 34?  So far, the age has been good to me!  Here's to hoping the rest of the year is just as good!

My emotional suit of armor broke yesterday

So it turns out I am not as strong as I thought.  I have prided myself on how well I've handled IF for the past year and a half (TTC 29 months, 36 cycles). I only POAS about one in three or four cycles.  I've only cried over BFNs three times in the past year.  I work surrounded by pregnant women, babies & children five days a week without it getting to me.  I never cry over silly reasons...only have I cried over a BFNs, one of my friends announcing pregnancy, and tear up at weddings etc. I thought I was so strong.  WRONG! 
Yesterday one of my 3T lovlies (sbrowns) posted about how old a child she would have if her first IUI had worked.  I honestly had not thought about that for a long time.  If I had gotten KU the first cycle of TTC we would have a 19 month old toddler.  If I had gotten PG off our first IUI I would be like 38 weeks PG.  Ouch.  Just then, as I was thinking about this my SIL responded back to a text I had sent her the night before about my nephews christmas gifts.  Since it took her over 12 hours to respond I had already ordered...only to find out they already had what I had picked out for them.  I got upset.  Like really upset.  Then I realized why I was so upset. 
It's not because I'm out the $10 in shipping costs, or that these kids are spoiled.  It's because for the past  12 years I have been enjoying part of Christmas through the eyes of my five nephews.  I take pride in the time & effort I put into thinking about their personalities, current interests, etc into choosing their gifts.  I love to see the look on their faces and yes, I'll admit - I love being thought of as the coolest aunt.  On my side my nephews have four other aunts.  And on DH's side- two.  So I have lots of competition.  But these past two christmas' it's like I am doing this in part because I don't have a child of my own to shower with presents.  I'm not saying I spoil them.  They only get one to two gifts per child.  And usually it's around $30 per kid.  But it's a very well thought out gift.  I've been compensating for my lack of child. :( 
And so upon realizing this on my way to work I started to cry.  Then I started to scold myself for crying.  Then I felt stupid, both for why I was crying and for scolding myself (like my mother would do to herself - talking to myself in the third person.  ie "Kati, this is so stupid. Stop it right now!).  Now it's only a four mile drive to work so it was a short cry.  But still.  Then when I got to work I saw I was scheduled for 6am on my birthday.  Then I got down right  pissed off!  I was almost glaring at anyone with a bump or child in the store.  *So if you are ever at a target and get a mean looking woman sneering at you...it might be me on a bad day.*  But thankfully after a few hours I calmed down and became myself again.  And even got someone to take the first four hours of the shift on my birthday.  But still...the chink in my armor was there.  For me to see.  I thought I was so good at not letting IF take over my holidays... but I'm not fine.  I'm me.  And even I can't go through this time of year unscathed.

Life without internet...

Some random thoughts.  Life without internet sucks!!  But I get so much more done LOL.  DH informed me on saturday that our internet was down.  We called and were told it was a problem in our neighborhood and would be fixed "in a few days".  So we settled in for a weekend full of *gasp* actually spending full attention time together!  Now, I'm not saying this is new for me & DH.  He is my best friend and no one I'd rather spend time with.  But honestly - we love sitting in the living room with a game on (hockey or football) with out laptops near us.  Me, on the bump, facebook, or pinterest.  And him playing Civ 5 or looking at fantasy football.  We chat, laugh,etc.  But all while plugged in.  This weekend was nice, but I'd like my internet back please. 
Monday came...still no service, still no answers.  I didn't have to work until 11am so I found myself spending my normal internet time cleaning house & doing laundry.   Oh, and curling my hair for work & really going to town on fancy makeup.  Everyone at work laughed that me without internet= more put together & pretty looking Kati. 
And now today.  Ok, I'm really get sick of this!  It's my day off.  House it totally clean.  I am at the library of all places using the free computer use to catch up on my efriends, see if things sold on ebay, etc.  But only for an hour before I have to go back home to my disconnected life.  **Oh, and as I sit here, I'm next to a young mom with her little six month old in a carrier next to me.  Wonder what she thinks if she pears over and sees me looking at blogs with ultrasounds, babies, and Infertility titles all along the tops. LOL.
 So no, I did not fall off the planet.  But it feels like I did!  Hope to be back up and running in a day or two! 

Interesting talk re: literature with my brother

Let me start this by saying my brother is a high school english teacher.  He has a master's in English Lit, specializing in what I don't remember...but I remember he's taken a whole class on Herman Melville for goodness sake!  **You may now proceed to laugh that someone that has as bad of spelling & grammer as myself could have an english teacher with my genes.  Needless to say, he got those good genes and like Danny Devito in TWINS, I got the "left over crap" in that department. 

Last week he posted the following on Facebook:  "All vampire stories are about sex, and escapist romance literature is for people who are unhappy with their sex lives. Twilight novels are romance novels for girls who are afraid of reading about actual sex, and their moms who are either unhappy with their own sex lives, or are enthusiastic that the girl doesn't get "bitten" until she's married. 

To which my aunt replied "hey I read Twilight".  And then my SIL (His WIFE) said she too has read them. **Ha ha Bro!  Now you are in trouble!!!***
So I decided to get a quick laugh so I commented:  "I have never read the books, nor seen the movies.  My suspicions confirmed.  My sex life = awesome!  Love, your little sister"
My dad then commented:  "Kathryn Diane, go to your room!" - Oh good, the whole family is getting in on this fun!

The conversation continued when we were all together for Thanksgiving.  And I find it interesting that he holds to his belief that it's for those that are sexually repressed.  His wife is the daughter of a former nun and is very strictly catholic.  ie no sex before marriage.  And also, can't seem to bring herself to say the word penis out loud. (This in it's self is hilarious to me.  A grown woman!)  So he said, he's not saying they have a bad sex life but he did hold to his opinion that it's for sexually disappointed or repressed women.  He gave Ann Rice's novels some of the same critique. 

I explained that people's choice in books is escapism into something they find interesting.  Example:  I lean mainly toward historical fiction.  And one of my favorites is the Outlander series.  Some feel there is a lot of sex in the book.  But I read other historical fiction that don't.  I read the books for the genre, not the sex scenes!  (BTW, my SIL has read the first book and felt it was "too much" and she was "blushing throughout the book!") 
I believe people who are into more fantasy type books (Angels, Witches, Harry Potter, etc) read them for the fantasy - just as I read for the history.  And not the sex.  He didn't buy this theory. 
And yes, I understand people read more than just one genre...for example I also lean towards criminal thrillers because I would have loved to be a detective or criminal psychologist.  And I don't think people who read fantasy don't read other types of books.  BUT, I don't think a sexually disappointed or repressed person would read Twilight for the sex.  Wouldn't they just read romance novels pure and simple if that's what they were looking for?!?!?  My brother said those are too "upfront" with it...this is a unconscious way of getting what they want. 
Since I have never read the books (and have no desire to honestly) I'm curious...did you read it because you heard it was good? Because of the love story? Because of the fantasy aspect? Or are you sexually repressed or disappointed? LOL, like anyone would admit to that!

I received a blog award this week from Sbrowns08 (AKA HappliyhomeSpun) over at The Pursuit of a Family!

Liebster is the German word for "beloved" or favorite. It is specifically designed for blogs with 200 followers or less. I am overjoyed that she nominated me last week.  And sorry that I've only now gotten around to post about it!  She is the writer of one of my beloved blogs that I have been following this past year.   Check out her page to read about her journey through IF,  starting IVF &  some ideas for staying green, being frugal, or crafty ideas(I'm so jealous she knows how to quilt!). 

I am to pass this on to blogs as well.  Well since Sbrowns already has it, there goes my first choice!  And she also picked Kathy4678 over at her blog which is another one I follow often...so I wanted to highlight these four lovely ladies I've gotten to know more through their blogs (after having "met" on the Bump's 3T.)  They are all at different spots in their journey with IF.

Erin (AKA ClukyE) at Our Jouney to Baby Negs (PG with her first after dealing with IF woohoo!!)
Brook at Invisible Finish Line (Currently breaking from TTC, thinking of living child free)
Scubagirl at Living with IF (Dealing with IF, recent IVF) <3 ((HUGS!!))
and
Hillary over at Wishing, Hoping, Praying (IF treatments on hold, looking to adopt from a birth mom who is 38 weeks PG)

Ladies,  I check your blogs weekly, if not daily, and am glad to be a part of your struggles, triumphs, hope & dreams.  You are "beloved" by the 3T community and me. 

A tour of me: through my Christmas tree

So today I put up our Christmas decorations around the house.  Jeff's family doesn't give each other ornaments like mine so all the stuff is from me; or what we've gotten since getting together.  As I have done since 1981 *when I got it for my 3rd Birthday*...I put on John Denver & The Muppet's Christmas Album (now on iTunes instead of the original record *yes record youngin's!*) and got out all of my ornaments.  I thought it a little sad that I am the only person that knows the stories that connect me to each of them.  My tree is filled with memories!  And every year I love taking the time to take each one out and remember.  So I decided to share some of my trip down memory lane with you, my sweet readers (the few of you out there). 
First off...let me tell you that I collect Penguin stuff.  The earliest penguin ornament I can find has the date of 1986 on it.  Which would make me nine years old.  This would make sense since I started liking penguins in 2nd grade ('84/'85) when I had to pick an animal to write a report on.  So I always take out every ornament and separate it into Penguin & non-Penguin so that I don't have them clustered all in one area of the tree.  I decided to take a pic of the assortment to give you an idea of how much I've accumulated over the 25 years. 

23 ornaments, two of my eight stuffed animals & 4 table top carvings.

Next, I took a picture of my very first ever ornament. I was born on December 18 - exactly one week before Christmas. In the hospital, they put on my bassinet: this Ginger Bread Man. On the back it has my birth stats. I always put this one on the tree first.



 
 
 

Next comes one of my favorite ornaments and it is special this year.  My third birthday I was all about the Muppets!  I got the album, a stuffed Kermit & Miss Piggy.  And this ornament.  I saw the new Muppet movie last week and teared up when Kermit was saying "I guess everyone's forgotten about us."  Because for me...I fall in love with them all over again every Christmas through their songs and this Miss Piggy Angel.  She always gets a spot closest to the top of the tree. 
 
I have one other that's places up towards the top and is my second fav from childhood.  1982's Eskimo icicle climber.  And one that I got in 2008, but reminds me of being a child of the 80's...it's Strawberry Shortcake!  And she even smells like the dolls did.  I place her at the easiest place for me to get a daily "whiff" because as I proclaimed to my parents when I opened her "She smells like my childhood!" 

The third picture is a Ginger Bread house; that has a funny story.  In German class in High School our junior year we had to make one with a partner.  My BFF Barb & I (aka Isle & Uli in German) made one that looked horrible!  We even put a little sign on the door saying "Isle & Uli's school for the retarded" on it. extra credit kids if you remember the Far Side cartoon that we stole this from!  My mother kept it and put it out at Christmas for five years.  Nasty.  We still laugh over how bad ours was!  My parents bought me this one a few years after we finally got my mother to throw the original away. 
 
And finally a few from the years of Jeff & I together!  This will be our 5th Christmas together.  Our families have each contributed to our tree now.  Our first "couple" ornament was from Jeff's sister the winter before we got married.  These two penguins with our names on it (note our last name is covered to protect the innocent!)

And last year, aside from our individual ornaments.  My parents got us a Blackhawk's hockey Patrick Kane with tickets to a game inside!  It was a clever gift & wonderful way to get it.  Now every year when I put up this ornament, I will remember my parent's thoughtfulness & the wonderful date night Jeff & I had seeing a game of our 2010 Stanley Cup winners! There are a hundred more like these but these are special to me. 

When we finally beat infertility, I plan to carry on my mother's tradition of giving an ornament every year.  And searching to find that perfect one to tell a story of what that child is into or doing that year.  And I cannot wait to see the ornament my mother picks out for me that first year I am a mother! 
I am very proud of the penguin ornament my 3T Bump Elf (FarmerLynda) bought for me (larger size penguin with green hat & scarf in top pic).  And I love what I picked out for my elf, I hope she'll love it too! And, like me, think of 3T every year she puts it on her tree!  But for now...the claymation Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is on so I must go...and spend more memory time with my younger self.  This year I hope you all can locate your inner child & enjoy the holidays instead of letting IF get you down!  <3

An excercise in vanity?

Yes people I post this to make you laugh...and to laugh at myself! So this year, I've tried to come up with a few "homemade" gifts for various people in my life for Christmas to save a little extra cash.  Handmade ornaments for the gals, family trees for two others, but what to do about Jeff?  Well it's been brought up before the idea of boudoir pics (on the knot & the bump).  But could I do that for free with my little handheld camera, auto timer and home printer? 

Well it's my day off, it's raining outside, and Jeff just left for a work trip to Vegas.  No time like the present I guess!  What was I thinking?  Even though these are just for Jeff - I didn't want to do nudes.  A) he sees me naked enough. B) in case they are ever found by someone other than Jeff and C) What am I Hustler?! I don't think so!  So I curled my hair and put on make up.  Then picked two outfits. (LOL, yes I went all out). One white push up bra & thong.  The second "wardrobe change" was black corset and panties. 

I did a couple poses and shots to check on angle and lighting and then got down to being serious about it.  As it turns out - what I think is my "sexy face" looks pretty ridiculous to me when seen on computer!  I cannot believe my husband does not bust out laughing when I give him a look like this!!  Thank goodness I did more with just my natural smile and not my "come hither" look because I deleted all of those.  After one hour of preping and snapping...I am left with only three shots I am semi-happy with.  Sexy photos for husband? Epic Fail.  I hope you have enjoyed this laugh.  I now return you to your regular blog posting schedule. 

Any Given Day (baby pics inside)

Warning!  This post will be talking about my BFF's daughter born on Tuesday night and include pictures!  If you are dealing with infertility, and having a bad day, you might want to back out of this post.  If anyone understand what that's like it's me.  So I've warned you up front.....



Any given day, I can be full of hope, happiness and joy.  And any given day I can be filled with anger, sadness, and dispare.  It really depends on what I've gone through that day, that month, how something is presented to you, how you decide to react.  Case in point; all three of my closest friends were just recently pregnant at the same time.  When Barb told me this spring that she was pregnant, it was during my period of my first treatment cycle.  I was heart broken...for myself.  I cried because I wasn't pregnant.  When Brit told me late summer, I was happy!  I was at peace with being on a treatment break and had a good day.  When Lauren told me earlier this fall - I was almost numb.  It was like, one too many to hear that day.  But then I took a breath and got over it.  ((I have blog posts below that go over these in much more detail)).  But I will say one thing that doesn't matter the day - it's always a good day.  It's the day I go to meet the new little bundle once it's fought it's way into this world.  When you see a cute little face, knowing it's a part of your best friend you can't help but feel overjoyed and filled with love.  Barb's older daughter Sofia (two and a half) met us in the lobby of the hospital.  Hearing her little voice exclaim: Kati!  We're going to see the baby! She's my little sister!" was worth the price of admission.  But holding that new little girl? Priceless doesn't begin to describe it.  Obviously it does bring feelings & thoughts of "I wish I had one of these!" but at the same time - it's... you know it will be a billion times the love and happiness when it's your own child and just can't wait to experience that.  Hope.  That's all I can say.  Holding that little girl gave me hope.  Because deep down inside, I feel it with every fiber of my being that I will be a mom someday.  I cannot explain why I am so certian of it.  But I was meant to be a mom.  I was.  And I will be. 

So...without further ado.  Introducing Eva Mary B...(it's pronounced Ay-vah.  Her Mommy is Hungarian).

Eva & Me

Doesn't my man look awesome with a baby in his arms??

She joined this world at 9:25pm on 11/1/11 weighing in at 8.9lbs, 21.5 inches long.  Barb said that her contractions were 5 minutes apart around 6pm while making dinner.  They were at the hospital and had an epidural by 7:30 pm.  She pushed for five minutes from 9:20-9:25.  ((We should all be so lucky!  But Eva was 10 days late so I guess when she decided it was time, it was time!  They were going to induce at 8pm, but she wanted to come on her own terms). 



Sister Sofia giving Eva a kiss....I love how her cousin Michael & Aunt & Uncle are all saying "awwwww"

The Griffin's (Halloween)

This is the finished product.  I thought Jeff's pants were more "green" until he pulled them out and I was like...Oh, they are really just a greenish-khaki arent they?  And trying to attach the "balls like chin" was hard.  But the little Stewie Doll is what made the outfit.  I could only find a nerf football that was his head.  Then I had to buy a baby doll and cut off her head with a box knife & super glue the football on.  Then I made his red romper out of an old tank top of mine.  He came out so darn cute, and only 40 minutes to create.  I also made Jeff a "Vote Adam West for Quahog Mayor" button.  The orange hair was a pain!  That spray on stuff flakes off on everything! Any time I touched my hair, my hands were orange.  And my shirt.  And my coat, and Jeff's arm when he would put his arm around me.  Ack!  Some of the women at the party think I should dye my hair strawberry blonde. 

IF Responce worth keeping for the future

So we had (yet another) person come to my lovely home message board, Trouble Trying to Conceive (3T) talking about how they've been trying for "four months!!"And I wrote the following response.  Please note that since I have not figured out the simplest of copy and paste with e-blogger, I am re typing this and might add a little from original.

Four Months of trying? Hmmm, for me that was back in November of 2009! 

Talk to me when you've been trying for over two years.  When you've seen friends & co workers have not one baby, but are ready to pop out their second little one.  Talk to me when you are a whole year past "natural" remedies such as herbal teas, POM juice, pineapple cores, and the like.

Talk to me after you've had several doctors and nurses put a dildo shaped camera thrust into your ute, had a tube of your husband's sperm inserted past your cervix, or had your ovaries get an extra workout from hormones meds & shots in your stomach. 

Talk to me after you've spent a year explaining to people that infertility doesn't mean you are "broken" when family or friends who mean well are telling you to seek adoption or having someone else carry a child for you. 

Talk to me after you've had to save pennies here and there to afford your out of pocket infertility treatments, since most insurance companies feels making a family is a "want" and not medically needed.  (Yet somehow giving a senior aged man an erection is?!) 

Talk to me when you've had to put your treatments on hold due to financial reasons, miscarry, or have cysts that can cause you bodily harm.

Talk to me after you've gone through all of that, and then continue to see negative pregnancy tests for the 15th, 25th, or for me in a few days - the 32nd cycle in a row. 

Talk to me then.  Because until then, if you think we're all just a little nuts?  Well I don't give a rats ass!  And no, I don't need to take a deep breath and relax.  Because you just gave me a therapeutic outlet to rant to all the people in the world who are like you, and think that four months of trying to get pregnant without results is "having trouble".  Honey, you don't know what trouble is yet.  But if God forbid, you have to join our little group some day, talk to me then.  Because I would be pleased to be a sounding board for your rants, a shoulder to cry on in your down times, a cheer leader for when you're going through treatment, a happy supporter when you find success & get pregnant and a sister in this world of IF  hell.  Until then, go away!

**I added that last part in bold just now because it seems to be a nicer ending for anyone in the future I may need to repost this too.  Sadly, I have a feeling I might refer to this at least once a month.  And a quick shout out to The West Wing, for teaching me a bit about good oratory (even though this is not a speech, repetition  and comparing one that's not like another is still a great way to argue a point.)  And anyone wanting to use this feel free....I only ask for credit for my type A personality because I'm proud of this one.

Halloween

So let me start this off by saying, I used to LOVE Halloween.  Cancel that.  I still love Halloween!  But my husband has never been a big fan.  I don't really know why, except to say that some people just are not into it.  But for the past four years and change, we've not done anything for the holiday.  Sure I pass out candy.  And yes, two years ago I insisted on wearing devil horns to weekly bowling.  But from him ...nada. 

*~*~Flash back to years past~*~*

Knife to head & Ghostbuster '99

Marsha Brady & Hooter Girl '03

  My BFF since I was 15 (and friend since we were 12) would dress up every year.  For two of the four years I lived in Iowa & West Virgina she even traveled to come to my boss's HUGE Halloween party.  Yes, she drove from Chicago to West Virgina for a Halloween party!  She was my party go-to girl.  So why didn't we just go out us girls these past four years?  Well, she got married, and had a kid (and is five days past her due date for kiddo #2 today)  So now instead of winning contests in Bars for best costume - she's making neighborhood mom's jealous for coming up with awesome family costumes.

2010 - Granny, Little Red Riding Hood & the Big Bad Wolf

Popeye, OliveOil & Sweet Pea

** Back to Present Day** 
I have actually convinced Jeff to go to his sister's Halloween party.  The catch?  It's also a sex toy party.  At HIS SISTERS.  Yeah, that might be a bit awkward.  But I'm so looking forward to dressing up again!!  We came up with three costume ideas. 
A)  Axel & Slash (of early '90's G'n'R fame)
B)  Lois & Peter Griffin from Family Guy
C) Cher & Sonny Bono (but Sonny would be right after he hit the tree skiing)

Jeff really liked the Sonny & Cher (He thought of that one) but he wanted ski goggles, a pole with branches taped to it, blood, a fake mustache, etc.  for him.  Plus we'd need to buy me a wig & I'd have to walk around in hooker boots & tight dress all night.  I think he finally nixed that idea because of cost & effort. 

So I thought we'd go with Axel & Slash.  We'd still need to buy a wig (for DH) and a top hat, and a red bandanna but we'd both get to wear jeans & T shirt (with me adding a plaid flannel around my waist). 

But no...final decision came down to Lois & Peter Griffin.  We already own the clothes that they wear, so I just need to spray my hair orange & carry around a stuffed Stewie doll.  (And Jeff is going to use makeup to make his chin look like balls).  So tonight I was web surfing for pics of them....I am afraid for America because I found waaaaay too many "sexy" photo's of the cartoon Lois!  Crazy!  But wish us luck!  I will post a picture of us after Saturday!  Hope everyone else has a great Halloween!

Doctors, Doctors, & More Doctors!

And I thought dealing with treatment cycles for infertility are a pain in the arse!  Jeff had another trip to the ER and overnight stay in the hospital.  We just got home.  So for those of you keeping score at home; that's One visit to primary care doc, a trip with 7 hours in ER & 19 hours admitted hospital stay overnight, a three hour trip to immediate care, an appointment with an allergist, and another day with 3hours in ER & 14 hours admitted hospital stay over night.  IN TEN DAYS!!  Thirty-eight hours of our lives, nine doctors, eight nurses and three trips to walgreens.  AND THEY STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S ALLERGIC TO!!!!   Eight docs think it's the ACE-inhibitor.  One thinks it's baby aspirin.  All of them think there is a very small chance it's the macadamia nut cookie from 11 days ago.  I just hate that we have been told a billion thinks, yet no one is able to give us a real answer...to anything!  What caused this? How long will it last?  Why does he have periods of having a hard time breathing, hard to swallow?  Why do the hives keep going away and coming back?  And no one wants to say for positive sure that the drug he's on to help - that he's not allergic to it and maybe that's why the hives keep returning.  Mother Fucker!!  I wish someone would have offered him sleeping pills since the steroid makes it so he only sleeps an hour at a time.  He can't live much longer on only 3 hours of sleep a night!  The only bright spot is two people today told us if it's the drug allergy that 8 of 9 think it is, it will be out of his system within two weeks of the last pill.  It's been ten days.  Only a few more to go before this SHOULD be over. Right?!?!?!  Right?

Catching up on the last two weeks

It's been a very busy last few weeks here at the Juice-ski's household!  We had the annual "Polish Thanksgiving" on September 24th.  At it, I gave my BFF her baby present/house warming gift of a family tree & celebrated my SIL's birthday.  Mother-In-Law Juice-ski did a great job (as always) of throwing a great party and putting together some tasty Polish dishes.

pic of family tree I gave to BFF Barb

The next weekend we had a surprise party of our friend Kristin from Founder's Days for her 40th birthday on Saturday followed by a Bump get together on Sunday.  The GTG was only four of us gals (their four babies and two of the husbands).  I was the only one that's not a "success story" (ie have a child) so it was a little depressing.  But I couldn't resist going and meeting the cute babies these e-friends/bloggers I have come to know so well through as a member of the Bump and from following their blogs once they got pregnant.

Then this past week my friend and fellow IF'er Lauren told me she too is PG (This makes all three of my closest friends PG all at once - at least until Barb gives birth in about 8 days).  Obviously since I don't wish IF struggles on anyone and want to see ART (assisted reproductive technologies) work - I am thrilled for Lauren.  I have only had a little bit of heartache from the fact that I've been struggling with it longer, and that we're out of pocket - while she was able to quickly do two cycles because of insurance coverage.  When she told me on the phone she said "I wish I could do it for you" and I snipped at her because at first I thought she meant have my child for me (which any infertile women knows is a slap in the face....like "You're broken, I can do it!") but she clarified and said "No, I mean give you my insurance coverage.  Pay for your treatments."  Me too, Lauren. Me too!  But oh well, three more months until next treatment cycle.  And I just have to think - maybe that one will work and then all four of us girls will have kids born within 12 month.  Barb's being Oct. 2011, Brit's April 2012, Lauren 2012 & mine Oct/November 2012.  Hey, a girl can dream right?  When we were in high school, Brit talked about having our families have BBQ's and such as grownups.  I said "Be realistic!  Who knows if we'll still be friends then!"  Now it's 21 years since we became friends and I've bought into that daydream. :)

This weekend was Jeff's 40th Birthday Party!!  It's the first party I've ever thrown so I was worried - but it went off great!  Only thing is I ordered too much food & cake (so we're eating left overs) and of the 65 people Open House format, some people came and left too early while some showed up too late and the party was almost over!  I should have not put "open house" and not started the party until later - to have a bigger group there all at once.  But Jeff seems to have had a great time, I got to enjoy a bunch of it, and most importantly  - - - it's over!  His actual birthday is Thursday, we both took Friday off work so I'm looking forward to a three day weekend to just kick back and enjoy each other's company.

And finally - today's 'excitement'.  Apparently Jeff had a severe allergic reaction to something (we're now suspecting the Macadamia nut cookie he had after dinner last night).  He called me at 9:45am today saying he was coming home from work with "welts on his groin, butt and armpits & half of his face paralyzed".  He showed up with a fat lower lip and hives covering over half his body.  By noon the lower half of his face was swollen - he does not look like my baby and it's hard to see him like this.  But the doctor gave him steroids and by 5pm - the hives are almost gone!  If only the swelling on his face would go down!!  He keeps saying lines from Forrest Gump as Bubba with his lower lip sticking out "Shrimp creole, shrimp kabobs" that make me laugh- but it looks painful.  I would take a picture of it if it wasn't so freaky looking that I honestly never want to see it again!!  My poor man!  And with that I'm off to make us some soup and hopefully have an uneventful tomorrow.

***Update.  I wrote the above post Tuesday night thinking "I'll add pics of the get together and Jeff's party later and upload the post.  Never did because we spent Thursday and most all of today in the hospital.  Jeff's hives went away but then Wednesday night he started having trouble swallowing.  Then chest pains.  Welcome to the Emergency Room!  After eight hours there, Hey! Let's get admitted to the hospital so we can actually have a room (instead of a bed in a hallway of the ER).  What a way to spend your 40th Birthday right?  Poor guy!  I told the nurse as I was leaving last night at 9pm, "He didn't get an Italian Ice with his dinner as he ordered.  It's his birthday, and it's been really crappy.  Can you make sure he gets that little treat?"  I broke down crying when I left him at 7pm to get some dinner myself because it was the closest I've ever seen to him crying.  (The fact that he was stuck there in the hallway on his birthday, not that he didn't get the Italian Ice LOL).  I just hate that I couldn't do anything for him.  ANYWAY, this is now becoming an insanely long post...They now believe it's a medication he's on.  Not the cookie.  It's an ACE-inhibitor that this reaction is not uncommon, even after taking it for a year.  So at 3pm he was finally discharged and we're home, with orders for a relaxing, do-nothing weekend.  Yes, Doctor...I hope to follow those directions fully!

Oh, and I'll load those pics in another post once I get around to it!

An Ode to Pinterest....

Oh, How I love thee.  Let me count the ways!

#1:  You let me collect tasty recipes from several different websites in one place!  You are my new digital recipe box.  And because I am following some foodies, I'm trying to be more adventurous and expand my repertoire .  Ok, it's true - in the last month I have only made the homemade doughnuts.  And I pinned Paula Dean's meat loaf mainly to share as we LOVE it.  But I will be making the crockpot chicken & dumplings this Tuesday night.  I also have saved many appetizer type things because my husband's side of the family have so many events.  And we almost never bring anything.  We are horrible guests!  I plan to start bringing something more often.  And to do that, I need ideas.  So thank you Pinterest. 

Cinnomon sugar homemade Doughnuts: made with pilsbury biscuits

#2:  You have given me another "time waster" for football season.  And thankfully, this is one where I don't feel like I'm 'missing out' if I don't check you for several days (unlike the ultimate time waster of Facebook).  Before, I could be on my usual websites for about an hour and start to get bored...hell, that gets me only through the first half of the noon game!  Here it is Sunday at 5:45 and I said to Jeff "I've lost all track of time!" because I've been having too much fun on Pinterest.  Afternoon plans of laying around? Successfully accomplished!

#3:  Pinterest - you keep the dream alive!  I am able to pin ideas for when we have a baby. From the nursery, to photo ideas, to baby shower favors, etc. without feeling too crazy by say, making a registry.  I start to notice overall themes of what I like before I even really knew it.  AND I can day dream on home decor ideas.  Because I know some day we will move out of rental living and I can start putting together my dream house!  (Which seems to have a lot of organizational things pinned.  Clearly my OCD coming out even in day dreams.)

I seem to love trees for some reason.

#4:  I get funny, inspirational, and snarky comments right at my fingertips!  No matter if it's related to infertility, people in general or the internet - they make me smile.  And they have come in handy for on-hand comebacks on the internet!  Just this week I used one making fun of all the people that complained about the changes to facebook.  It was great to remind people that it's a free service and you don't have to use it.  But because I used a snarky photo it's like someone else said it for me.  Win/Win!

Jeff always tells me "Patience is a virtue that you just don't have."

and last but not least....
#5:  Gift ideas!  Last Christmas I had to make to many "favorites" for pages with gift ideas.  I spent one hour today looking for Christmas gifts for the 14 family members and I can't stress enough how great it is to have them all in one place.  I labled them with my thoughts, I added price and for who in notes section and now I've got a good start ...about one third done! 

My MIL collects Dickens Village figurines.  I found a website that has discontinued ones.

And so to you Pinterest - My cup runnith over with love.  For those of you few that actually follow my blog, if you do not follow me on Pinterest - please do! ((My name their is Katib77 or see link below)) And for those who have not tried it, I hope my Ode has helped you see the light (And I kept it just to five!  There are many other uses for it.)  As for me?  I'm off to go pin more ideas for life!
*A special shout out to my e-friend and follower Kathy4678 for leading me to the wonderland of Pinterest. 
http://pinterest.com/katib77/

This crap is exhausting!

So a post today on the bump, there was a woman that mentioned injects and her RE saying "they are a waste of time and money".  There was a lot of back and forth from other posters that reminded me it can all be based on diagnosis- like what's good for one person and their situation might not be for someone else who has a totally different diagnosis.  I was thinking "Ok, that makes sense." 

Only for her to come back and say basically "No, my RE means for everyone injects are a waste.  I'm not trying to stomp on your hope, but I don't want you to waste you money."  Admittedly this is paraphrasing what she said, but it's pretty damn close.  Thanks (*insert sarcasm*).  Heart officially stomped yet again.

We're on a fucking break from treatments.   All in order to do injects because we are out of pocket for all treatment.  I'm aware that after doing them, there is a large chance we still may not be pregnant but ....how about a little compassion?  A little tack? Is that too much to ask for from a board that is supposed to be supportive?  I've only felt kicked in the nuts two other times in over 18 months posting on the trouble TTC board.  That is one of the reasons I love my girls there - it's supportive.  I don't feel like I need to have my IF armor on when I go on.  But I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't think so casually, and remember that anyone, anywhere, has the ability to cut me deep down.  Sure, they don't mean it that way.  But it's like people who don't get IF saying "relax and it will happen".  They don't mean to hurt us; but they do. 

I don't know the point of this post other than to say, I've had been feeling really good lately about being responsible, and taking a break so we could afford the appropriate treatment step as laid out by my RE.  Only to now be feeling .....I don't know how to describe it.....  Deflated.  I am a deflated tire.  I am feeling like someone just came and let all the air out of me. 

Labor Day Weekend

So as I said in my last post, I was slightly worried about a weekend filled with social events.  Worried, at the prospect of having anyone ask me about IF.  I really wanted to have a weekend like old times, where it didn't even enter my mind.  I came SOOOOOOO close to getting my wish! 

Saturday we went to the Founders wrap up party.  It was Krisitin's 40th birthday, so Jeff made a lot of jokes about her age (he's just forty days away from turning 40 himself so they promised payback at his party).  He also had a lot of scotch, so his jokes were in rare form.  At one point I told him he was going to make beer come up my nose, and he said "the only thing that should cum up your nose is ME!" LOL, What?!?! But I didn't miss a beat, I turned to the host's wife and said "and this is why it burns when I sneeze."  Fun times.

Next came Sunday and our friend's wedding.  It was very pretty and I actually got Jeff to take several photos around the grounds (he hates having to pose for pictures).  I got to dress up (rare) and Jeff slow danced with me to about six songs (even more rare).  At this point, I had two days of not even thinking about IF.  But then the bride said she was sorry for the post I made regarding the facebook awareness game where ladies are putting "I'm blank weeks and craving blank". Ugh.  It's her wedding day, and she's apologizing to me about how I said it was insensitive to people suffering IF? It's the one time she should be totally thinking of nothing but herself and her new husband!   But oh well, easy to brush off and move on. 

Finally came Labor Day.  We woke up in the hotel, had breakfast, and spent an hour at the new Casino in Des Plaines before driving up to Gurnee to have family BBQ with Jeff's mom's side of the family.  It was very nice to sit around with family just chatting.  We got through almost the entire day and IF wasn't even mention.  That is until I'm hugging everyone good bye as we are about to leave and his aunt that was visiting from NC said to me "And don't worry.  I know a couple that tried for years and did treatment.  They finally adopted, only to end up having two biological children afterward."  I couldn't help it... I blurted out "I HATE when people say that.  It's like saying, spend thousands of dollars on useless treatment, spend another ten thousand to finally adopt a kid and *magically* you'll get pregnant."  She then tried to back track saying she didn't know if I believed in God but it all happens for a reason, and I may never ever know the reason.  Yeah. Thanks.  That helped so much.  Ugh.  I was sooo damn close to having a fabulous, non-IF related weekend.  Jeff hadn't heard the exchange and asked me hours later once we were back home.  After hearing it he said "Well, thanks for not murdering my aunt."  Oh well, at least 98% of the weekend was fun & relaxing.

Another on bites the Dust

So I have three close girl friends that I've known since I was 12.  Two have little girls that are two years old and the third is sadly stuck in my world of IF and started treatment with my RE recently.  (And if you're reading this since I decided to be brave last week and share my story fully with her - shout out to you Lauren!)  Of the two mommies - one called to tell me that she was pregnant with her second back in March (she's due at the end of October).  When she told me, it was when I was getting my period for my first treatment IUI cycle.  I was already very emotional from that and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was a short five minute conversation with me faking happiness.  I asked what I thought were common questions (ie When are you due? What did your husband say? Have you explained it to your daughter?) and then politely got off the phone so that I could cry.  I'm talking UGLY tears people.  The heartache took me a few days to get over.  I was feeling very "why not me?" which is understandable; considering.  But since then I am very happy for her.  Yes, jealously peaks in on me every now and then when I see her baby belly or she talks to me about the nursery.  But she's very great about it.  She doesn't even mention the pregnancy unless I bring it up.  We talk about other things.  She does not complain about anything pregnancy related.  It's wonderful.

Fast forward to yesterday.  Mommy friend number two calls to tell me she's pregnant with number two and will be due in April.  Again like my previous post about perspective, it's amazing what time does to a person.  Instead of getting off the phone quickly or cryin afterward, we talked for an hour - and not a tear shed all day.  What I found sad though is how apologetic she was.  Almost sounding depressed.  I tried to reassure her that this is happy news, and not to feel bad because of my situation.  Her being lucky, does not have a single thing to do with if I can get pregnant or not.  I wish that obviously I could be sharing the news with her, but that's not my story right now.  I hold on to hope and semi-confidence that some day soon it will be.  I explained to her that last winter I was in a very "Angry at the world" mood and anything and anyone telling me about being pregnant would annoy the crap out of me for no other reason then I hated IF.  - - And don't get me wrong people, I still have my moments or days - - but they are fewer and far between now. 

They say that time heals all wounds, I don't think that it's fully true.  Time puts a scab on that wound that helps protect it, and sometimes that scab gets ripped off.  But more often then not, it does what it needs to do - protects the delicate tissue just below the surface by having a tough outer shelf.  I am currently thankful that the scab has given me the ability to be truly happy for my friend from the start. 

Now I just hope no one rips it off this weekend while I'm around a lot of friends and family.  Social events still leave me a little jittery about "what if someone asks me about it or make an inappropriate comment?"  It's a much harder thing to deal with when it's directed right at me.  Three days, four events.  Wish me luck!

Perspective changes

So if you had asked me three months ago about holding off on treatments for seven months I would have talked like the world was coming to an end.  It felt like that for the first month.  But now that we're three months into our "financial break" from treatment it's gotten a lot easier to handle.  We had thought that if Jeff gets the promotion at work that we might do an IUI/Injects cycle in the middle of fall but but now I'm not so sure.  We still have some bills left to pay off, and his 40th birthday party to pay for, and Christmas.  Oh and a trip down to Oklahoma to see my folks for Thanksgiving - yes peeps the amazing has happened!  Target actually agreed to give me Black Friday off so I can have mom's cooking for Thanksgiving for the first time in four years.  I am so damn excited I can't tell you. 

So now I'm thinking since I've come to terms with holding off until the new year for treatment that we may just keep with that... but of course that may all change if he gets it and gets the highest amount raise possible (if he gets it the raise could be anything from a 20-40% raise OMG!)  If all the sudden we have that much more money I may say "screw being conservative - bring on the drugs!!"  I kind of feel like we deserve something to go right after all the wrong in the past few years.  OK really all that's gone wrong is TTC and me finding anything marketing related so I can use my years of experience in advertising instead of wasting away in retail these last two years.  But still, can we get a break please?  Karma did we do something to upset you?  I guess we'll see soon enough, he should find out by the end of the week.  Actually he was supposed to find out three days ago but since his company is always so slow to make hiring decisions, I'm not surprised they hadn't done anything yet.

But for now can I just brag at how great he is here at home?  I worked 16 hours this weekend.  As usual, he's making dinner (he does this on the weekends).  But I came home today after working 5am-1:30 and he had lunch ready for me, dishes done, kitchen cleaned, bed made and now while he's cooking dinner he's putting away the clean dishes.  Yep - this man is a keeper! My dad never did anything like that so I guess it still surprises me.

For now, I am looking forward to next weekend.  I have a three day weekend (Yep,  I got labor day weekend off too.  Suckers!!)  as we have the Founders wrap up party Saturday, a wedding Sunday, and a BBQ at his parents on Monday.  Drinking & relaxing are def. on the menu after this week - in six days I'm working 54 hours.  It's so nice to now have several things to look forward to in the fall!

Founders Days 2011 - a look back

((Warning, this will be a long post mainly for me to look back on in years to come.))

A little back story...for 51 years my town has put on a four day festival.  Last year, during the 50th year's fest a historic rain fell Friday night of the fest.  Jeff and I were asleep in the board's rented RV as "park security".  We walked out of the park in shin high water from the flooding creek.  The fest was canceled Saturday & Sunday. 

Fast forward to 2011.  Jeff was made this years President as no one else wanted to be responsible for the "make it or break it year" because if this year had a bad turn out, the fest would die from last years lost revenue.  We needed it to be a good fest.  The month beforehand, we'd been having a drought.  Only half an inch of rain had fallen...we were happy because we wanted the park as dry as could be.  Then the Friday the week before the fest - - another historic rain fall.  More than 7 inches fell that night. It was the largest rain fall in history for a24 hour period.  We arrived at the park at 8am Saturday morning to assess the damage.  It looked horrible, there was a new stream running though the middle of the park once the creek broke it's banks. There was a 20 foot pond in the middle of where people listen to bands. 

We spent hours the next two days making back up plans, repeat visits to other parks, and talking to the board members and village higher-ups.  The board all wanted to move it, but the village wanted us to say put if possible.  By Monday, it was decided we would stay.  The park had dried out a bit and we were told the public works department would do whatever was needed to get it ready.  Jeff & the board worked Morning into late night Monday through Wednesday to get it ready. The layout, the electric, the carnival, the stage, the food vendors, etc. etc.etc.

Wednesday night came and we were all in the park drinking after a long days work.  With everyone's smart phones we saw that many storms had gone north but that one was headed straight for the park, about to hit at 10pm.  The electricians light posts were up,and as the guys raced around to get them down- our friend and board member Skippy had a light pole's cord snap and 50lbs of light equipment fell on his elbow.  It was quickly decided that we would be spending the night in the RV while he was going to the ER.  Elbow is broke, he's in a cast, we have rain, and now we're down a board member.

Skippy high on Pain killers in ER

The next morning, the sun came out.  The fest was set to open at 4pm.  More mulch was spread in the wet areas and we were ready to go.  The carnival opened to special needs kids at 4pm then the general public at 6, the card board boat regatta got underway at 6pm, and the band "Pirates Under 40" started playing Jimmy Buffet tunes at 7pm.  It was a great start.  And yes, again, we had rain - but it held off until after 10pm when the park closed.  And since Wednesday & Thursdays rains were not record level, just a mere inch, the creek stayed in it's banks. 

View from Riverfront during Cardboard Boat Regatta

Friday and Saturday continued with nothing but sunshine. :) We had great bands, a wonderful parade, a huge crowds!  Friday night alone we went through 39 kegs of beer!  Saturday night, I had a mini break down when the co-chair of the 5k& 10K run backed out because her "babysitter fell through".  She's done it for years, this was my first year.  I didn't know what I was doing.  I started to panic.  And on only 4 and a half hours of sleep, it got the best of me. I started to cry.  Jeff promised as someone who had done it before, he would help me and everything would be OK.  Thank god for wonderful & supportive husbands!!  It turns out it was actually her twins second birthday, I don't believe she had a baby sitter.  I believe she planned to flake out at the last minute all along.  Which still boils my blood.  If she wasn't going to be there, fine but why not be honest up front?  So I could have someone else as my co-chair the whole time?

My wonderful husband giving plaque to the Village President

But Sunday morning 6am came up fast.  Another day of just 4and half hours of sleep.  Everyone said I pulled off the run wonderfully...but to be honest I felt like a chicken with my head cut off.  Running around not knowing what on earth I should be doing.  But none of the runners complained, and we had 176 of them so I guess that's a good measurement of how it went.  Afterwards, I went home to finally take a much needed nap.  Only to arrive back at the park for the regional battle of the bands, and finally relaxing on the riverfront for the finale - the best fireworks around.  Afterwards I was so tired, I left the gang and passed out in the RV before midnight.  I know I missed out on fun, but the sheer exhaustion was too overwhelming.

All in all, this was one of the best fest's the board has put on.  The town loved all of it.  And for those of us volunteers?  There was blood, sweat, and yes- my tears.  But so many nights of laughs and drinks with great friends.  I had a secret fear for days that the fest would go bankrupt and be no more.  And it would be on my husband's shoulders that he was President the year it went under.  I can't tell explain the huge relief I feel from having a successful year now behind us.  And I'm soooo looking forward to the wrap up party with the board on Sept. 3rd.  It should be legendary!  And yes, I've already started making a mental list of how to improve the run for next year. :)

Two Years fly by....

Two years.    That's how long since we started TTC.  I remember it perfectly.  We married in June and I said I wanted to stay on BCP that first month so I could drink at our town's festival without worry. HA!  That was seven hundred and thirty days ago. Thinking I might be as lucky as my BFF and have a "honeymoon" baby.  Looking back at how naive I was, it is too funny.  I found "The bump.com" about two weeks into our TTC and started charting the same day.  It's now been 28 cycles.  I am on cd4 of cycle 29.  If I had conceived on that first month of trying, I'd now be the mother of a  14 or 15 month old.  But instead what am I?  An infertile looking back on two years of heartache.  The first time I cried over a failed cycle was September of '09, thinking for sure I was PG that month.  I can tell you now I am so much stronger than I was back then - - - but I'd trade that strength any day for a child.   But am I really any different? Nope.  I still have hope every.single.cycle.every.single day.  I have become more educated and an advocate for infertility, but I'm still that sad hopeful sap wanting nature to work.  Wanting to one day pee on a stick and see two pink lines. 

Today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary.  I made them a YouTube video to thank them for showing my brother and I what true love looks like.  It's filled with photos of my parents as high school sweethearts, and married at age 22.  Family pictures through out the years, and then dancing at my friends weddings.  My mom cried and said it was the most priceless gift a mother could ask for.  All I could think of was "will I ever have kids to do something like this for me?"  I would rather give her the gift of news that she will be a grandmother to my children. 

I wish looking back on two years I could have some great blog post to inspire, not only my few readers,but myself.  But all I have is the truth and my feelings.  And as always, that sliver of hope in the back of my mind that continues to whisper "Don't give up."  And so I move ahead another day, like I have every day for the last seven hundred and thirty days thinking - well, we'll just keep trying.  TTC 2+.

Going stir crazy!

So I am learning to accept that you cannot avoid the speed bumps in life.  Our most recent speed bump?  Me being a klutz!  In our garage we have two wooden steps and at the bottom of the second step is a cinder block.  It's only about an inch below the last step - so it's always been a little weird, but for the three+ years we've lived here, it's never been a problem.  On Thursday June 30th I was on the phone to the automated system with Walgreen's and hit the last stair/cinder block part uneven.  My ankle rolled to one side and I fell almost flat on my face.  Missing by inches, my face hitting my licence plate. 

I lay on the garage floor screaming obscenities for a good five minutes.

After finally deciding I should see if I could stand I limped my way back into the house.  No grocery shopping for me!  It's now been six days hanging at home with my leg up on pillows.  We decided to see a doctor the day after because my brother in law (a physical therapist) said it could be broken from the level of pain, swelling, and bruising I had going on.  Thankfully, it was not broken - they just believe the tendons are very stretched out from the severe sprain.  So I get to wear a fashionable boot for three weeks. 

Until I can take this boot off and walk on my own...I'm going stir crazy! I can go back to work tomorrow - which will at least get my butt of this damn couch. I cannot imagine what the women on bed rest go through. Because six days of nothing but TV, Books, and internet - I can't take much more. Jeff has been great at taking care of me. But I'm not one to be waited on. I am usually a couch potato, but with moments here and there of cleaning, or running errands, or visiting friends. This long of just sitting here makes me crazy!

Oh and I've been not working for this whole time, missing out on over $200.  Add in new medical bills to add to our growing pile and I no longer see saving for IUI#3 this year as an option.  Looks like we will just be holding off until January when our HSA get refilled.  Plus I'd like to look into switching plans when there is open enrollment to see if we can't get more infertility treatment coverage - since currently we are totally out of pocket.  So Jeff will be 40 and I'll be 34 before we can do another assisted cycle.  But that's just another speed bump of life. 

Sometimes I feel the "life isn't fair" weight pushing down on me.  But I am reminding myself that there are plenty of people in the infertility world older than us.  And while saving & waiting may be hard...at least we have options available to us and we are able to do something....at some point.

So speed bump - you may think you've won but nothing - NOTHING, will keep me from my goals.  You may slow me down a moment in life, but it's just that.  A moment.  And this moment, like all others will pass with time.

Happy 2nd Anniversary to us!! A post in Pics

Two years ago today I married my best friend, my love, my courage and my strength! Jeff you have truely made the last two years wonderful. I love you more and more each day.

 

You make me laugh every single day!  For that I am the happiest woman.

 Someday we will be old and gray talking about our beautiful wedding day and the years together. 

Thank you for being my partner in everyway! Love you baby!!

Saying it Out Loud

So since IUI#2 failed over a week ago, I've been falling asleep on the couch early in the evenings.  I had a small hope that what I had was not my period, but break through bleeding and the reason I was so tired was that I actually was pregnant.  So I tested again.  Still negative.  Then I finally admitted to my mom that maybe I was falling asleep because of being depressed.  But I said, "Not depressed the way people in depression fall asleep because they don't want to face the world.  I'm just so tired from the depression of it not working that I'll be watching a show on TV and next thing I know Jeff is waking me up to go upstairs to bed."  My mom agreed that the stress of it all was sucking my energy. 
Then Tuesday night Jeff mentioned that I have not snorted in several days.  Yes people, I snort when I laugh.  I'll admit it.  He like to tickle me until I snort and he said I had not snorted for days (he usually can get two or three snorts out of me a day).  I had not noticed, but obviously he had.  I said that maybe it's because I've been a bit depressed.  He asked why?  Duh!  I said because we have to wait and save for until August or Sept. in order to try again. 
I thought since I had said it out loud to my mom, I had excepted the idea that this time it really did effect me.  But not until I said it out loud to Jeff did it really set in.  I can't just brush this one off.  I was upset last time but we were on vacation and I knew we were going to try again in a matter of weeks.  And I don't know, for some reason I just felt like I knew it wouldn't work the first time but that it would the second time.  And since it didn't I for some reason have taken it to mean it's never going to happen. 
Yesterday was really tough in the morning at work.  There seemed to be kids crying all over the store, and it just made my heart break a little more.  I felt better in the afternoon but still I noticed Jeff didn't even tickle me last night at all :(.
I've heard about some women on the bump talk about how trouble TTC has effected their relationship and I always thought how wonderful it was that Jeff and I seem to be able to avoid that.  We don't find scheduled sex a chore (yet) and life is very similar to what it was before the trouble started.  And yet yesterday seemed off.  I hope it is only temporary and the snorts from tickling resume soon. 
It's just amazing sometimes what saying something out loud will do.