Recap - Mom's Visit

So one of the last things that happened in my two plus month of not blogging was my mom's visit.
*Next blog will be on the drama that is trying to buy a short sale house*

First let me say originally they planned for my mom to come out in mid August because I would have just given birth and how nice it would be to have my mom here to visit, help clean and cook etc.  Well obviously so early in a pregnancy it was only vaguely mentioned.  After the miscarriage it wasn't mention for months.  But as my mom's retirement drew closer she said she had told my father for her retirement - she didn't want some extravagant vacation (they went on an adventure to Yosemite after my dad retired)...she just wanted to see her babies.  And my dad said she was coming to visit for 10 days.  Ummm WHAT? I love my mom but that's tons of time!  I nicely planted seed of thought that it was too long - and she needed to see my brother too.  So it was finally decided she'd arrive Aug. 8th and spend five days with me and on the sixth day I would drive her down to my brothers to spend four days with his clan before heading home (my dad drove up to my brothers so I could spend 20 hours with him - and he could drive her home.)

First ever Mom and Me selfie at Polish Thanksgiving

First let me tell you of the "stab twist" moment that happened with my dad.  My dad has been one of my biggest supporters when it came to me being an infertility advocate.  And when I share articles, petitions, or friend's trying to get their adoption profile shared - he's the first (and often only one) to do so.  But when it comes to loss - well he seems to not use his brain.  At all.  As I said, when I first learned I was PG he was going to come up (after a few days from my mom flying in) to meet his grandchild.  Once months past and plans changed, he informed me he wouldn't be coming up here with my mom.  Because "If you had a kid, it would be worth it."  Stab. Twist.  Now, I understand because of my dad's health and weight he can't fly (He's too embarrassed to admit that he's too big to fit in one seat anymore) and because of his bad knees, COPD, and emphysema that he can't drive long distances anymore - but hell they are both retired!  You're telling me they couldn't take two or even three days to drive the 12 hours to my house since he can't do it in one day anymore?  Oh - he could if I had a kid...but since I'm now living childless yeah no.  He'll settle for 20 hours of seeing me at my brother's with his three grandchildren.   But I digress.  I'm trying to move past this pain.

On day one, I took my mom to see the house we're trying to buy through short sale (will update on this next blog).  The next day was Polish Thanksgiving at my In Laws.   Sunday was brunch and her visiting with her best friend from when they lived here for five hours.  Monday I had to work til 3 - then we went for a walk down by the river.  Tuesday we went to downtown Chicago to visit Millenium Park and the Art Institute.

Mom at the "bean" in Millennium Park

 Wednesday we drove the 4 hours to my brothers.  It was a nice visit.  And since I talk to my parents 3-5 times a week I feel very connected...but dude I was happy to have my house back to just us two after that.  I agree with that comedian that said family visits should last 3-4 days...because like fish left out too long it starts to rot and stink up the house.  There is such a thing as too much togetherness when you're used to no visitors.

This is my favorite painting at Chicago's Art Institute.  It may not be as well known as others, but Gustave Calliebonte's "Paris Street Rainy Day" has always spoken to me.

Mom about to enjoy her Pineapple Martini when we took her out to Bonefish Grill to celebrate her retirement after 42 years as a nurse.

Second selfie of the trip - Our reflections in the inside of the bean.

I love looking up when in the center of the Bean.  So funky.

Looking Back - EED Aug 7th

Continuing to catch y'all up on the last few months since I've been gone - I owe it to myself and my little boy to talk about how his estimated due date went.

First I'll say I was dreading it, like I'm sure any loss mother feels.  But I also knew that my edd changed several times in the few weeks I was pregnant - based on online calculators vs how FETs work and my doctors.  So I was never really given a single "this is the day" - so I kind of thought of that whole week but had decided I would take the middle day of all the dates I was told and make it my unofficial EDD.  That was Aug.7th.

Since my mother was coming to visit the next day, I had spent a whole week super cleaning our townhouse but made a schedule specifically so that I could have the 7th to fall apart if needed and everything would be already done by then.

As I had with my first loss's EDD, I wanted to go out and photograph the beauty in the world as a visual memorial for the day my child should have been born.  I had decided that I would take my favorite picture or two from each of those two days and once we get our house, frame and hang them in one of the guest bedrooms.  To others - it will just be beautiful nature shots.  But to me it will have a special place in my heart.

I went to five different locations to take pictures.  All overlooking water - for some reason these types of places have always been the most soothing to me.  Since last time I had spent a good portion of my time sitting and crying, I expected the same.  But every place I went there were people; it was just too beautiful a day to not be out enjoying it I guess.  And finally, at the last location I found myself alone.  So I sat down and thought about my lost child, and all the dreams that couldn't be realized because he was not to be.  And yes, finally a few cathartic tears feel.  But more than that - I found myself at peace.  A little sad, sure.  But nothing like I had thought would be coming.

The serenity of just sitting there, looking out over the water - remembering that it was no one's "fault" - -that it just was.  Taking a few deep breaths I realized I was doing pretty good.  As I've told my mother - I'm sure New Years will be hard on me as that's the day I physically passed my son, and that these past nine months I've had hard days (mother's day came to mind)...but I feel I'm handling the loss - and subsequent moving forward child free better than I expected.  And that knowing.  Knowing that I was mentally doing well, knowing that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness of infertility and loss closer and stronger for it.  Well, I just can't describe the peace.  But I then headed home.  Feeling I had honored my son and that he in turn had given me that beautiful day.  A day filled with sunshine and very little tears.  And for the rest of the day I just held on to the remembrance of love and hope I had when I did have him in my life.  

 

 

 

Quick Look Back - July/Founders

So since I missed out on the last two months the next few posts will be a little catch up.
First up?  July.

It started out pretty good, in that my best friend Brit was visiting from Georgia.  As a mom of two small kids, I know her time here can't be just us so we agreed on one of my days off to meet at Costco and then go to a park for the kids to play (Ah the excitement parents have LOL).  Upon walking up to them in the store - first words out of her daughter's mouth "Do you have kids?"  I saw the looks of "Aw geez, I'm so sorry" on my friend's face.  But I get it.  Her daughter (5) has seen me about twice a year for the last several years but only for an afternoon here or there.  I can't expect a five year old to remember I don't have children.  And let's all infertiles admit,  while that comment is hard to get from other adults - it's actually not that hard to get from kids.  Sad maybe yes, but not hard because they are content with the quick simple answer of "No, sweetie I'm sorry I don't."  She was simply hoping for more friends to play with but quickly changed her attention.  And really, it was the first time in those first two weeks of finally knowing we were living child free forever that someone asked.  So I'm glad it came from a child I know and love and not from an adult stranger with some of the connotations that can come with it (are you one of those "selfish adults"?  WHY don't you have kids?  WHEN will you have kids? Or just the "advice" or anecdotes that comes from almost all strangers when you explain you have infertility and are now moving on child free.)  It let me say it out loud, have an inner smile that I was proud I said it and didn't feel a tear coming and move on.

Oh, and can we pause on that for a second?  The adults that DON'T let it go and just HAVE to ask a follow up question or add their advice or anecdote?  I heard just this weekend, after I said "No, after five years, two miscarriage, and about $30,000 that we're done.  No more trying."  One friend said "Are you going to try and adopt?" And once again I explained it takes another 10K (at least) and a year or more and again could lead to nothing and I'm just too emotionally and financially spent for that.  A second friend had to give a story of her SIL that adopted and feels she never bonded with the child "correctly" and she believes this is now why they have problems (instead of oh IDK - that she sounds like a typical teenager?).  Why tell me this?  It came off as her way of saying it's a good thing we're not adopting.  What she doesn't realize is there is a part of me that wishes we were 5 years younger, had not spent that last 10K on IVF and had gone for adoption.  But I can't turn back time or get my money back so it's moot.  Or that I have several friends that were either adopted themselves or adopted their child and have great relationships so this is just an isolated tale that in her mind should "ease" my mind - yet it doesn't?  But I've never been a person to live in a "Should have, could have" mentality so I let it go.  I know it was probably just that she didn't know what to say and this is what popped into her head so I'll forgive her.

Jeff and I on the 4th of July

Ben and Carter

But anyway, so I had a nice visit with Brit.  And another day we all got together on her parents beach to celebrate the 4th of July.  After the kids went to get bathes and go to bed - some fun old stories came out.  Good laughs.  A truely nice 4th in all it's Americana glory.  Here are some shots from that day.

Ellie with her Flag

Lauren and Addy

Then the end of the month was Founders.  Anyone that follows me knows about putting on our town's Fest.  Almost a week of volunteering and drinking.  And again it was a blast.  And while it's then our fifth anniversary of TTC, and I should have been 9 months PG I was able to almost forget all that for the wonderful time.  My friend (One of the #75strong) that has put together an art exhibit called The ART of IF is expanding it now that it will be traveling (To the California Resolve Walk of Hope, Arizona's and hopefully DC and more).  She asked us Chicagoland gals if she could come photograph us.  The weekend she was doing this was Founders.  She thought it was a great opportunity because she has me as making an impact on our community by helping out with this.  But I do feel bad that I was not able to really spend time with her, or get shots of my doing anything other than standing around while the parade went on because of how busy we were.  But if you get a chance to see her exhibit (or follow her exhibit on FB) here is one of the shots she took of me. And some other pics from the fest that I took.

Me downtown Algonquin just off the parade route

Crowd listening to band

Hiding from the rain

Barb, me and Lauren

Barb's daughters & my youngest nephew

                


All in all a very fun month, while learning to get my head around the idea of moving forward from IF and loss.

Didja miss me?

So last blog was about two months ago and only a week or so after my last failed IVF.  And then my computer cord died and I've been stuck to my cell phone for internet connection.  While it sort of sucks, it's amazing how much you can get on just your phone.  But blog writing?  Yeah....not with my thumbs.  Well I finally got off my lazy butt and ordered a new cord and it arrived today.  So....



I have some catching up to do, but for tonight I will just be enjoying the large screen and full keyboard of laptop time.  I promise to come back and fill you all in on Founders Day, how my EDD (Estimated Due Date) for baby Juicer went on Aug. 7th, my Mom's visit, our on going attempt to buy a short sale house, and just general "how's life?" after choosing to move forward child free.

For now I will just leave you with this...if you thought I wasn't posting because of depression, you were wrong.  I myself am finding myself surprised at just how OK I've been these past two plus months.  Sure there have been ups and downs and it's not all roses.  But seriously, I wasn't sure what "after" would look like for us and the answer is:  Pretty much what before looked like.  Only without the worry and stress that IF had.  See you soon.