Last day of the Blog challenge

Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

Wow, what a depressing way to end the challenge!  I don't want to say I've seen a lot of drama queens on the boards - but it's so true.  Even people you think you've gotten to know can some times go a little cray-cray!  And so I can see how this may happen to others.  But really I cannot think of a relationship lost.  And yes, some have changed...but for the worst? No.  Whatever changes have happened in my relationships were true an organic in nature.  No one has said anything so outrageously mean spirited that it changed our relationship.  Every comment has been well-meaning (even if it hurts). 

So instead I wanted to look at how my relationships have changed for the better. 
*crickets*
Sadly, I can't really think of that either!  Sure, my friends that have kids (all under 3 years old) call a bit less (Which is totally understandable when you have so much less "me time").  And yes, sometimes they don't have much else to talk about then their kid -but I can see how I might get that way once I have one.  Hell I sometimes feel all I can talk about is my infertility!  But eventually we find other things to talk about (even if it's just reminiscing about the past). 
So I guess what I'm saying is yes, some of my friendships have changed slightly.  But not for the better. And not for the worst.  Just because time changes situations, and you adjust.  And thankfully, IF has not changed my relationship with Jeff, my parents, his parents, etc. 
I have enjoyed the blog challenge, it forced me to think about things I wouldn't have posted on my own about and post more often.  I actually wish there was some "Random topic" blog  roll for those times when I feel like blogging, but I am uninspired.  I think this has motivated me to seek out topics that make me be introspective or share more about myself than just my IF.  I hope I have not bored you guys to much with this 30 day experiment. 

Blog Challenege Day 29 & 7 Stages of Anger

Day 29:  If you knew you'd be facing IF, is there anything you would do differently in the past? Aside from seek treatment earlier? No.  I love my husband with all my heart and wouldn't change being with him for the world.  And since we started trying as soon as we got married, I have no regrets...OK, maybe I wished I had tried for a job with IF coverage harder back when I first lost my job a few years ago.  But whatever.  You can't change the past, you can only move forward.  I am trying to accept that.

So a fellow 3T'er made me think today about the Seven Stages of grief and I realize it fits so much for various IF struggles...especially the one I'm currently in with our latest failed attempt.  Any one recognize these feelings?! Yeah, I thought so!

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-  You will probably react to learning with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.  Riiiiiight.  I moved past the shock and denial quickly this week, but I know on failed cycles I sit in the denial phase for a while.
2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.  Screw you Psychologists, I'm drinking a little!  You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never blank again if you just blank") I believe this is where I have been at for days.
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. OK, I'm isolating myself a little too.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-As you start to adjust, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.  So you're telling me the over eating and wanting to drink will lessen? That'll be good.  For now, screw you IF and pass the potato chips.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life. You will start to work on practical problems and reconstructing yourself and your life. 

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.  I hope all of us will not only get to the "hope" stage, but move even beyond that to Success. 

Blog Challenge: Day 28....the (someday?) nursery

What do you use the “nursery” for right now?


Well, because of paying for fertility treatments and so on, we have decided to stay in our townhouse rental until at least March 2013 (we signed a year and a half lease with our landlord in order to get one month free; which was my idea.  The lease runs out right when DH gets his annual bonus - which would be used for a home down payment someday.)  It's a split level (actually four levels: The entryway & garage have the Loft and our bedroom suite above it.  But go up a few steps from the entryway and it's our living room & kitchen.  Go a few steps down from the entryway (below living room and kitchen) is what I call the "Man's Den", second bathroom, laundry room and guest room. 

This is my view of the loft from the couch.  

Because I would not want to walk down three levels from our bedroom and across the house to get to our phantom baby, we have agreed that if we got PG and had the baby before March 2013 (So we'd need to get PG by this summer), we would use the loft as a nursery. It's right next to our bedroom and looks out over the living room. Currently it is our "office". It has an "L" shaped desk and a book case. We would move these down into the Man's Den and put the crib going along the wall to the left, the changing table in the middle of the wall with the door to our bedroom. And if I feel there is room, a rocker chair & foot stool. (I have not measured the crib we will get from SIL but the changing table is downstairs in our guest bedroom currently). If we happen to have twins...then we will have the two cribs end to end from the wall to the door and hope the changing table will fit along the wall to the left because obviously we don't want it too close to the railing. We figure this situation would work well enough until we move out (which we hope will be March 2013, but if finances dictate we stay here, we figure it's fine until the child is out of the crib and in a toddler bed. And then if we needed to change the Man's Den into a bedroom/play room we could. Or we could just do away with our guest bedroom.

I admit, I have even contemplated putting two rings in the ceiling, then hanging a curtain rod from them and putting up a curtain so that the baby would be enclosed from the living room.  That way I could close it or pull it back and have it tied back.
We've lived here for almost four years, so yes - I have had plenty of time to really think about this. So there you have it...what we currently have in our future "nursery" and what I'd do to turn it into one. 



blog challenge day 27

Talk about a time you taught someone more about infertility. This week! I had to explain to people why we got canceled. Several people thought we were doing IVF, they asked things like "can't you freeze the eggs and do it in a few weeks?" Um, yeah. It doesn't work like that. And my BFF Barb asked "well if it's canceled, why are you out $800?" So I explained the cost of cd3 b/w and U/S_$475. Cost of follow up U/S. Cost of consult and sperm wash, cost of drugs, etc, etc comes to over $800. She suggested we have a keggar as a fund raiser if I ever need IVF. Gotta love friends like that! But I think every.single.time. I have a talk with some fertile about IF, I am teaching them. Because there is so much the average person doesn't know.

Blo Challenege Day 26

So I have to admit that yesterday is possibly in the running for the worst day of my life.  It's at least in the top five.  I spent much of today at work alone (thankfully) with my anger.  I got off work at 2:30, came home, started cleaning the kitchen and put on 90's music on iTunes.  This seems to have helped a bit.  Nothing like escaping back to an easier time in life! 
But I am not one to abandon a project....so here it is dear readers: Day 26 of useless ramblings from Kati! 
Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.


I am not the product of infertility.  My mother always used the "I just had to hang my clothes next to your father and I'd get Pregnant" line.  (Just what you like to remember when you're dealing with IF yourself.)  I am the product of a m/c though...I've been told several times that my mother had been four and a half months along with a boy that she m/c due to crawling through a window when she locked herself out with my toddler brother inside.  The doctor told her, the easiest way to get over the pain, was to wait a month and get PG again.  Oh so easy!  Well, it was for her.  I came along very soon after. 
Jeff is also not from IF dealings...His parents were married for five years before having him.  But it's because they were young.  His mom said they waited to have children, and gave her daughter the same advice (who did also wait several years to "enjoy being married" before trying.  Since Jeff was 36 when we got married, she didn't pass on this advice to us LOL.  Good thing!
I do know a few adopted kids that are a result of their parents dealing with IF, most namely Skippy (Matt Schipper).  He's told his mother of our struggles and passes on her sympathy from having dealt with that in the early 80's. 
There is also a family friend, who now has a 13 year old daughter as a product of IVF.  She's an amazing girl who is 13 going on 35. 
And finally, I suspect my cousin.  Because I know she was told at age 18 her endo was so bad she'd never have kids.  But after about 8 years of marriage she got PG.  She was about 33 at the time, and it would have been about 1999, so I know there had been advances and I know women with endo on 3T.  But since I've only seen her at weddings and funerals in the past 15 years (maybe five times in those years) - I don't feel close enough to come right out and ask her. 
With these various stories, as well as the few women at work that told me of their stories from the 90's going through IF, and personally knowing a girl from HS who's dealing with it, and of course my friend Lauren - I have no trouble believing the statistic of 1 in 8 couples face IF.  So when you feel "everyone" around you is getting pregnant try to remember this statistic.  Because there are sure to be many more people who just don't feel comfortable talkig about it, but are suffering silently.  None of us are totally alone in this fight. 
And now as I write those last few sentences a few tears are starting to roll down my cheek, so I will go listen to so angst from Alanis Morrisette to stop it. 

IUI #3 Canceled. Only two live sperm found

This mostly is taken straight from my post on 3T so if you've read that, you know this already.  So we went in at 11:30 for our scheduled IUI#3. And then they called us into the consult room...which I immediately thought - that's weird, normally we go into a treatment room. The nurse then informed us it was because with the sample they only found two live sperm. Two. Ffffuuuucccckkkkkk.
Unfortunately, many of you might remember my husband had health issues due to some severe allergic outbreak in October that caused him to be in the hospital twice and be put on a very high dose of steroids for three weeks. We were told that since sperm have a life of about 70 days, and it's been 88 days since his last dose (he tapered off) that it should be OK to go ahead this cycle (This was from the docs that treated him for the allergic reaction. We were stupid and didn't consult RE about it.) We had thought about getting another S/A done before starting this cycle...but since at that point it would have only been about 70 days we decided to skip it. Big Mistake!
Now we've wasted about $950 out of pocket for nothing. I'm still in pain from huge follies and nothing to do but wait. We ended up meeting with the RE and he first started saying because DH's numbers have gone down over the last year it looks like IVF is what we need. But once we explained about the steroids, he agreed we should make a an appointment with a new Uro (last time we saw one was July 2010, and it wasn't the one the RE suggested because that one is downtown about an hour away). And we should get an S/A done in about a month to see if it was just due to the steroids. And he had DH pee in a cup to see if it's some valve that can get "broken" and instead of making the sperm come out, it forces it into the bladder so he would instead pee out sperm. Weird...never heard of that one. So we'll hear later today if they found any sperm in his urine.
But now the plan is repeat S/A in one month, see new Uro in six weeks (or whenever we're able to get in but he figures with how popular this doc is, that's about the time frame). And if things improve from steroids being out for sure, cycle again in about two and a half cycles.
The only good thing, is being in a doctors office - we were given about five minutes for me to cry. And then I had to move on in order to talk to the doctor. Clearly I am devastated because I was really trying to work on positive thinking, and had told myself this was it. It was going to work. Only to not have a shot at all. But I've moved past the crying stage much faster than if I had been told this over the phone. Now I'm just very angry! Mad at the world. And that poor DH feels really like it's all his fault. His fault for having MFI. His fault for having gotten sick back in October. His fault for only two sperm and a canceled IUI. I've tried to tell him repeatedly that it's not like he purposefully did any of this, none of it is his fault. But I can see it's hard on him too...which just make my heart break more.
*And to Jezebell, thank you so much for the donated drugs. I hope you don't feel like they were wasted...I plan to use the rest if we're able to cycle again in two months. If not, because of low sperm issues again, I plan to donate them on to someone else before they expire.

Blog Challenge:Day 25...real life IF'ers I know

Blog Challenge:  Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over IF?
The simple answer is yes - quite a few people!  First off, there are my GTG Chicago gals....Mari and Amber.   They both were going through treatments then, when I was still in the first six months of getting the Dx of MFI.  But talking with them the first few months, getting a sense of what might lay ahead was really helpful.  And since they both had twins, I keep getting a sense of what I may have laying ahead if I get blessed with two at once! LOL.

Next, is my close friend Lauren.  I've mentioned her before in earlier blogs.  How she started TTC about 9 months after me.  And how I convinced her to see a doc because I thought she had PCOS (she did) and how I recommended my RE to her (she went) and how now she's PG (after IUI #2).  There were those five months where we were both Dx as infertile together.  But since it was different Dx, and her journey was over so quickly, I don't think she really knows the extent of pain.  And how what she says now as a pregnant women can still really hurt.  It's great she got PG so quick, but at the same time - she just doesn't fully get it.

And because we are so open about our IF, I also have learned three women I work with and a family friend all dealt with it to have their children...but back in the 90's.  It's amazing how with the passage of time, they seem to think of everything as fairly simple or make comments about how "there must be great advancements".  I'm sure there have been some, but it's still really difficult!  I wish I didn't feel they were minimizing IF so simply.  And I know they are trying to give me hope...but they brush their IF aside so quickly like "It took over two years to get PG with her.  But you'll get PG soon."  First off, we don't know that it will ever work...there is that chance that it won't.  Secondly, two years is a long time!  And now I'm at the two and a half year mark!  Don't brush it off like it was nothing!  I swear, when I do finally get success...I will never make comments like that to other IF'ers.  I will always first tell them how sorry I am, that I know the pain and uncertainty. 
Wow, this post was supposed to be about bonding - but it's been more about me saying how the people IRL did it wrong!  I don't mean to...they all did help and give me hope.  I guess I just feel alone in the continued struggle sometimes...like everyone has success, and forgets us left behind so easily. 

Blog Challenge: Day 24, Evidence everywhere!

Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
Two weeks ago, it would have been harder to find evidence.  But now? Pretty darn obvious!  On our island counter is still the card and HPT from Jezebell wishing us luck this cycle.  One the kitchen table is the Bio Hazard box for used needles, as well as the bag full of alcohol wipes, 27 gauge needles, and extra syringes.  In the fridge is the bag full of Gonal F and Menapur. 
 
And of course, if anyone looked at my history or favorites on my computer - they would find Fertility Friend and the Bump's 3T as places I visit daily.  If they were an investigator not even stepping foot in my house, they could see I am a fan on facebook of "999 reasons to Laugh at Infertility" and "None in the Oven". 
 
If they went upstairs to our bedroom & bathroom.  They would see the BBT on the bedside. Two older cards sit on my jewelry stand (one form Megaloo05 from fall sock exchange & one from FarmerLynda for our holiday exchange).  And in my bathroom, under my sink you'd find my stash of HPTs.

Update for IUI# 3 and Blog Challenege Day 23

So for every IUI, I had blog information so I could look back and remember what happened.  I want to make sure I don't skip out on that this cycle although I have not been good about it up to date so far.  So here are the important stats for IUI #3 so far:

I started the cycle on Jan. 12th. At my baseline on the 13th I was told my AFC was 11 on one side and 12 on the other.  (The U/S tech Roberta joked I have the ovaries of a 20 year old).  I was told this would be a combo cycle of clomid and injects.  I had been expecting only injects so felt a little let down that the majority of the cycle would still be on clomid.  Oh well.  I took 50mg clomid from cd5-cd9 (Mon - Fri) and did 75iu of Gonal F injections on cd10 & cd11 (Sat. & Sun) in the thigh as Roberta recommended.  First night it was left thigh, next night it was the right. 

Today I had my monitoring appointment for cd12.  I have three follicles.  One 16mm on my right and two on my left measuring 20mm and 22mm.  My lining was 6.1 so they are again having me take Estrace vaginally for several days.  (Oh goodie, Smurf Cootch!)  And of course I will again be taking progesterone supplements orally at 3dpiui.  The IUI is scheduled for 11:30am on Wednesday.  I am to trigger tonight. 

Today's blog challenge question is how I chose my RE.  It's not a very exciting or interesting blog topic.  I chose mine because there were three RE's within half hour driving distance, but his was the one that had Friday hours and allowed bringing in the S/A (not having to do it in the office).  Since their stats seems similar, I figured what better way to pick than this.  I really was not picking him as an RE at that point, just trying to get Jeff's S/A done.  Then once we got the Dx of MFI off of it, I figured why go elsewhere?  Once we met him, we agreed we liked him alot.  Turns out a friend of ours used him to have her twins (She is single and over 40...not dealing with IF, just dealing with DS).  I also know a high school friend that went to him and hated him.  Said it was a personality conflict.  But I heard this after we started seeing him.  To each there own I guess.  I recommended him to my friend Lauren, and she too like him.  Turns out he delivered her when she was born!  Talk about small world!  She got PG with her second IUI with him so she loves him obviously. 
I have actually not seen my RE since before IUI#1 for a consult.  Since then, we've communicated through three emails and obviously the nurses talk with him after blood work and ultra sounds to decide how to move forward, but it's always the U/S tech and nurse whom I see and does the procedures.  So it's a good thing I like them too!  I have been told if this cycle doesn't work I need to have a consult with him (Since it's been over a year since we last met).  Actually, if I get pregnant off this cycle I will need to meet with him then too so it looks like I will be seeing Dr. Jacobs one way or another in February.

Really? Really?

So there are girls weekly on the bump's 3T complaining about how hard it was to see a pregnancy announcement on facebook...and I get that.  I get that it's hard.  But to me it's understandable for people to be doing it because it's the best way to let a lot of people know at once that while they are in your life, they are not so close you want to tell them all in person.  And I'm sure, if/when our time comes I too will make an announcement on FB myself.
What I DO have a problem with however, is anyone that complains about their pregnancy on facebook.  Especially if it's one of my very best friends, who knows all about our infertility and has a sister that until just a few months ago was struggling with infertility herself!  What does she put on FB tonight? "Number one irritation of being pregnant is having to pee every 12 minutes!!  I am sooo looking forward to April and having a "normal" ish bladder." 
I could not help myself, I commented right away with "I will gladly trade you problems."  I'm so pissed right now.  Oh well, she knows what she did and why I commented.  Maybe she'll think twice before doing that again.

Blog Challenge: Day 21 Baby purchases? No!

Day 22 - What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant? Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?

I don't know why, but I'm one of those that thinks it's bad lucky to purchase anything before you are actually pregnant.  So for two and a half years, I have not bought a single thing.  Nothing.  But sadly, that doesn't mean we don't have a small collection of "stuff" for imaginary baby.  Jeff's sister Jori decided that she was done having kids, and since my MIL bought her the furniture - she felt it should go to us.  So we have a changing table in our guest room.  And a crib in SIL's basement waiting for when we need it.  (*Personally I wish she had left the changing table there too because I hate seeing it and just having to dust it every six months.) But it's a classic cute white set, and once we actually need them - I am happy we have them.  My only worry is if we have twins or trips and need to find more that will match OK.  Oh well, cross that bridge when we come to it. 
We also have a baby monitor system.  Sadly, it's from when my grandfather was close to death and my mom bought it to hear if he fell out of bed so started moaning in pain.  And then she gave it to me. *Cringe* I don't want to think of my grandfather in pain every time I turn on a baby monitor!  But I figure, I could not tell her that when she first gave it to me and was mourning her dad!  But once we get PG and get around to having a shower...more than three years will have passed and it won't hurt her when I tell her.  In fact, I'm sure she'll understand. 
And of course, we have many friends that have kids that have mentioned outfits and things they'd love to give us one we have our little one (Like white sox onsies!).  But until that day comes, I am fine with having not bought a single thing.  I want to have the joy of once I see those two pink lines, going out and buying that first item. 

Excited & Scared; First inject shot is tonight

I'm trying not to build this up too much in my head, but it's really hard when I've been waiting eight months to do this.  I know if we'd had the money, I would have done this right away and not have had the time to over analyze it, daydream about it, etc.  But I did.  So now I am stuck here; excited and scared. 

Excited to be doing something different.  Something that might do the trick.  Excited that this might be the turning point in our IF saga to bring us our beautiful baby. 

But scared that it will be like last time, and still get the BFN.  Scared I will inject myself wrong.  Scared it will work too well and we'll have to cancel the cycle because of too many follies.  Scared it will work with sticky babies but we'll get triplets or quads and have no idea how we'll be able to afford a large brood.

AARRGGHHH!!!!  I hate how IF can be the biggest roller coaster of emotions!

Edit to add after first shot done:  I think I did great.  And while the needle did not hurt, pushing the meds in did.  Oh well, it's over now.  And now I can relax for doing it tomorrow.

Blog Challenge Day 21: How has IF changed my parenting style

Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?


Well, since we've been trying for our first for two and a half years, I really am unsure of what we would have been like had we gotten PG in that first cycle or few.  I know we're very sure we want this.  I know we'll be more scared of every pain or spotting during PG because IF makes you freaked out now from all the loss you see on the boards.  I know that we'll be more thankful, knowing how hard we worked to get that child. 
 
But different as parents?  I don't know if anything has really changed.  Jeff and I both grew up in similar socioeconomic situations.  Two parent homes with one fellow sibling, middle class, Midwestern, democrat, etc.  We hate parents that scream at their children.  We hate when children are spoiled so much they become brats that they expect the world.  We don't want to co-sleep.  Etc. Etc. - I honestly can't think of something that I say "Oh, now having gone through IF I will do this instead."  We've just had a LOT more time to think and discuss somethings more than that super fertile couple did.

Blog Challenge: Day 20. Becoming part of IF community

Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.  ALI stands for Adoption, Loss, and Infertility.  Since I have not dealt personally with loss through c/p or m/c and I only follow on IF'er who went with adoption...I feel I can only talk to the subject I know - Infertility.

I found my way there in the same way many do...I had been TTC for a while (9 months) when I brought up to my OB that we'd been trying with no success.  She said since we should continue to try for a year before getting worried, she suggested we take the next three months and slowly get the basic testing done for IF out of the way.  So, month one I got my HSG done - all clear.  Month two Jeff got his S/A...and that's when the doctor told us "I don't believe you'll be able to get pregnant on your own.  You should start seeing an RE." 

But that's just how I learned I was infertile.  Not how I became part of the community.  For that, I really have a handful of women to thank that were there at the beginning.  In March 2010 when I started testing, a large group of women I had gotten to know on the bump's TTGP board all felt it was time they had a spot of their own...for the non-newbs, but not full blown IF.  The 3T board was fairly dead so they decided to make a "mass exodus" as it came to be known.  As I had not been trying for a year yet, I felt maybe I shouldn't join them yet so I lurked, but Mari2003 encouraged me to join them.   And here were Kdodge, Glowisconsin, Mari, Ams, Riley Grace and many others I had known for the whole wild ride up to that point.  I started following blogs at that point, and starting this little outlet for myself.  And yes, almost every single person who was there at that point now has their little bundle of joy...but I have to believe I will join them again sometime soon...but I will never forget the IF pains I went through to get there.

And as an outspoken, tell it like it is person - I started to talk to anyone about IF when it came up in conversation.  I began to take pride in educating people.  And so almost a year after we were diagnosed, I came up with a seven day facebook awareness campaign for the national IF awareness week.  I look forward to doing it again this coming April, no matter if I am PG or not.  I have contacted my congressmen about legislation and encouraged others to do the same.  I am an advocate for IF support, awareness, and treatment!

But really the way I feel I am part of the community is through my 3t gals.  We've done gift exchanges, send messages of encouragement, and really get to know eachother well.  And the love I felt when being contacted by two of the ladies wanting to personally donate to me for our injects cycle?  I can't tell you how I felt!  I told Jezebell she is my fairy godmother, granting my wishes to "go to the ball".  LOL.  I hope there is a fairy tale ending to this story.  But no matter what happens, I know I have my IF community to lean on - and that has made such a huge difference in getting through this nightmare that is IF.

Damn you Sally Field!

Clomid pills + Steel Magnolia's+ Shelby's death scene = crying Kati.  And I just know soon will be the scene at the funeral with Sally Field screaming "WHHHHYYYYY?????" and it will start again.  Anyone feelin' me here?  I hate that I turned this movie on, but if I'm home alone and it's on, yeah...I'm watching it.

Blog Challenge: Day 19, Letter to a Fertile

Day 19 - Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person. 

I know that you will never fully understand what I've been through.  I know that you try.  I love that you try to talk about many other things than your children or when you were pregnant with them.  I love that you ask about my treatments and seem to be my cheerleader. 
But there are still things that you should never say to an infertile...and the one that hurts the most every time it's said, is if I bring up some symptom that might be a pregnancy symptom and you say "Well, could you be pregnant?"  Usually, I'm telling you something like I felt a little queasy, I hope I'm not coming down with something.  And you throw out that gem.  I know exactly what day in my cycle I am, and most the time you say this when I have not even ovulated.  If I think it's a possible PG symptom, I will actually say it that way.  If I don't...that is because there is no way it's possible.  You saying that, makes me just feel like a failure. 

And that time you asked me what next steps there were and I explained I'd have to wait until 2012 to do IUI#3, and possibly #4 and if neither of those worked - we've have to save money and wait until March 2013 to do IVF, you said something to the effect of "Wow, that's really far away!"  and some other things....it only made me remember how much it sucks that I can't afford it any other way.  It sucks enough!  I don't need to be reminded.  Yes, I know by then Jeff will be 41 and I will be 35.  I don't need to be reminded of our age.  And yes, I do try and look for a job with IF insurance, if finding that job was so easy in this fucking economy - do you think I'd still be stuck in a retail job?  And sadly, if I stay at this crappy job, by 2013 - I would get it through them ( to an extent).  So in some ways, this shitty job might help in the end if it comes to that.  Trust me, anything you've thought of?  I've thought about it a billion times.  And God I really hope it works this time so it doesn't come to having to wait that whole time, and watch your children grow while we sit here waiting. 

But really pay not attention to this.  You have been a great friend in all of this.  I know when you say something that hurts my feelings, it was not on purpose.  It's because like I said in the beginning...you will never fully understand.  

I am happy to be in your life, your daughters life, and can't wait to get to know you're newest addition.  But I can't help that I am going to be sad every now and then.  Because you got the life I always dreamed of, and you were not even sure you wanted until a few years ago.  I hope that sometime really really soon, I'll be calling you with questions on pregnancy and raising a little one of my own.  But until then, just continue to be my cheerleader. 

Blog Challenge: 17 & 18

Day 17 - Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?  I have to say hands down the most ridiculous thing actually came to me second hand.  My husband told me that it came up at bowling that we had been trying for a while to have a baby.  And after some of the usual stupidity jokes, the 78 year old dad of one of Jeff's bowling buddies said AND I QUOTE " You need to let it soak."  Huh? What the hell does that mean?  Jeff and I had good laughs trying to come up with what the old man could have meant by that.  We figure either a) he meant lay there for a while after sex, don't get up.  ie let the sperm have "soaking time" in my vajayjay. LOL.  OK, we'd heard that one before.  Or (and more funny to us) b)let the penis stay in you for a while? Either way, every now and then when TTC comes up at home, Jeff will just look at me and say "We just need to let it soak!"  Needless to say, I don't know if it's "worked" for anyone since we still don't really know what it is.  And thus, it's hard to try something you're unsure of what it is. 


Day 18 - Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?  This is going to sound very silly...but the hardest holiday is actually the made up holiday at my In Laws....Polish Thanksgiving.  It's usually the last weekend in September.  It's Jeff and I, SIL, BIL, nephews, MIL, FIL and the family that my in laws have been friends with for about 35 years.  My best friend married one of the kids in that family.  So it's the parents (60s), four kids and their spouses (in their 30's and 40's) and now - their kids (there are four, soon to be five).  When I first started going to Polish Turkey Day there was only one kid, so for the last several years it's been about the new additions.  And being pregnant.  And giving birth. And nap time, and what they eat, and if they need to be changed.  Etc. Etc. Etc.  Now - don't get me wrong... I love Polish Thanksgiving.  But at least with all other holidays, I have memories with my family and no "baby talk".  But these past five years it's been almost non-stop baby agenda for the women.  And each year it gets a little harder and a little harder to have to be there without one of my own. 

Blog Challenge Days 15 & 16

#15: Pic your style.  I am a T shirt and Jeans girl.  Seriously.  And in winter I am a jeans and sweater gal.  My style is fairly plain and girl next door.  This year my favorite T shirt this year, the Blackhawks t shirt.

I like it because it's got little sheer parts that are the shape of the indian head, so I wear a white tank under it in summer or a black long sleeve shirt in winter to wear this all year long.  My other fav outfit this year I just recently got.  But wore it to Thanksgiving at my parents, two Christmas parties, etc. and have gotten compliments every time I wore it.  This picture does not give it justice, and after this one pic I've mainly worn it with a light brown/khaki t shirt underneath and brown boots.  So cute.  My 3T bump Christmas Elf, FarmerLynda got it for me after seeing a similar one on my pinterest page.  It's a forest green crochet drape open sweater from Victoria's Secret.

Blog #16: How/When did you and your partner decide to start TTC?
That's simple.  Right away!  No, when Jeff and I first started discussing me leaving Milwaukee, moving back to my home town to move in together, and getting married one of the first things I said to him was; "I want children. Do you? Because there's not much point moving forward if you don't want kids."  He said yes, so we decided to move in together and get married.  Then with our wedding so close to our town festival, I decided (silly now) that I would wait to go off BCP after the fest in July.  But we agreed...married one month and then get on that ASAP because I was 31 and Jeff was 37.  And what a long ride it's been TTC so far.  If we happen to get PG this cycle (IUI #3) then we'd be due right after Jeff turns 41...three months before I'm 35.  That will be almost five years since that conversation.

Blog Challenge: Day 14...iTunes Shuffle

Open iTunes, press shuffle & play and these are the first ten songs that come up:
1.  Hemmorage (in my Hand) by Fuel Don't even know why I have this, I don't have the album...just this one song by them.  I think it was the most played song of the year it came out in alternative music.  Q101 baby!  (Chicago gals will know what I'm talking about).
2.  Today by the Smashing Pumpkins  This reminds me of college.  I had a friend on my floor; Simon, and he was an absolute nut for SP and said they were the best.band.ever.  I disagree but I love having memories of the boys in my dorm!
3.  Tell Mama by Etta James  Etta was introduced to me when I was 16 by another lifeguard.  I had it originally on tape, recorded off my friend's copy.  I have since seen this awesome woman in concert (back in '06 when she was like 65).  I am happy FloRida uses a sample of her on "Good Feeling" but I'm always sad when she stops singing and he starts rapping when I hear it LOL.
4.  I won't be Ignored by Linkin Park  All of Linkin Park reminds me of my senior year of College and working at my internship in Madison, WI.  I listened to this album every day that summer driving to Mad Town.
5.  Silent all these Years by Tori Amos  I college friend intro'd me to Tori and I am forever greatful.  But it was in my "Angry chick music" phase....it lasted longer than it should have, but gave me some great tunes.
6.  The Space Between by Dave Mathews Band  Not the best DMB song, but all of them (that I own) remind me of college...it's like I graduated college and don't know anything they released after then.
7.  The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkle  This was from my "I'm hippie-chic" phase of music, it's one of the few albums that both Jeff and I own independently. 
8.  I'm not Cryin' for You by Save Ferris Ah, SKA!  Anyone remember SKA? Mighty Mighty Bos Tones? The original No Doubt music?  Well then Save Ferris is for you!  My High School friend Joy intro'd me to Save Ferris.
9.  Late at Night by Buffalo Tom  Any girl that was 15 and watching the show "My So Called Life" feeling like the show was sooooo much about their life would need to own this song.  And P.S. Jordan Catalano is hot :P  (And yes, I do own that show on DVD, and re-live being 15 about every two years).
10.  On My Own from the Les Miserables soundtrack from broadway My 18th birthday gift from my parents was my BFF and I going downtown Chicago to see Les Mis.  And I also love the Dawson's Creek episode where Joey sings this for a "talent" in a pagent. 

** Is it clear now my age from this list and comments?  I would just like to say, that aside from #3 and #7 and #10....I think it's clear that I spent much of my growing up in the 90's.  In the 90's I was age 13 to 23...which I think is when most people buy the most of their music.   

Blog challenge: Day 13... Guilty Pleasures

 Well, the only TV show that I'd call a guilty pleasure would be Grey's Anatomy, because its like a soap opera.  I can't seem to stop watching.

Another guilty pleasure would be the portable DVD I used to watch shows and movies in the bathtub. I don't think it's what my parents thought of when they bought it for us, but I love my bath time. I am currently watching all six seaons of LOST.

Gambling... hate to say it but I love it. I don't have a problem, but I might be close.

Peanut butter... I cannot have it in the house or I will eat it all in one day.  A whole jar. 

 And finally...this phone (Blackberry) that allows me to blog have fun while Jeff bowls.

Editted:  Hard to actually post a whole blog from a phone!  Give a girl a break.

Blog Challenege: Day 12...Five Pet Peeves

The first that comes to mind (And no offense to Wisconsin folks who say it correctly, but I only noticed it when I lived there) but people who say borrow, when they me lend.  As in "I hope Kati will borrow me that DVD."  Now, I know I suck at spelling.  And maybe a little in written grammar too.  OK, a lot.  But speaking this out loud, don't people realize how dumb it sounds?

Slow, slow, slow drivers!  Go at least the speed limit!!!  If you are not, you better have your hazards on, or be slowing for a turn. 

It's more a fear than a pet peeve, but clowns.  Oh yeah....I'm one of those people.  Clowns freak my shit out.

People who don't do their jobs.  I have a very un-complicated job because of our lovely economy.  And in all my years in advertising sales - I worked my butt off.  So I continue to do so now, even if it's for just over minimum wage.  Why? Because I have work ethic!  Others, not so much!  It's funny that my managers think I'm so great, because I actually *gasp* do.my.job!

People who grew up & currently live in cold areas always complaining and saying they want to move when it comes to winter.  Maybe because as a Chicago gal about to get our first snow fall of the year, I'm excited (it's Mid Jan - that's crazy!)  But I've heard too many people complain about getting snow or it getting colder.  If you don't like it, quit talk about moving and actually do it!  If you don't like seasons changing then move to somewhere that you don't get that beauty!

Edited hours later because....man I should never post so close to waking up!  Talk about bad spelling and grammar!!

Blog Challenge - Day eleven; three wishes

If a genie in a bottle showed up and said he would grant me three wishes...
1) That the next cycle is successful with a take home baby (or two)
2) That we'd be given at least $200,000 - to pay off law school student loan, Jeffs car, our credit card debt, and still have money left over to put down a healthy down payment on a house and start saving. (Plus this would allow me to quit Target and either be SAHM or look for a job in my field).
3)I'd wish for better health for my parents.  My father's COPD is getting worse, and I fear he will not make it the next five years.  He just retired and my mother is two years away.  I'd like to return them to their health when they were ten years younger.  I'm not saying they should live forever; but I'd like them both to see 75 at least and I fear that won't happen.  Hell, I fear sometimes my dad won't live to see a grandchild out of me.

Blog Challenge: Day Ten- Favorite Book(s)

I don't know about you, but I don't know that I can just say I have one favorite book. 
My favorite book from when I was a child is Mrs. Rumphius aka in my house as The Lupine Lady by Barbara Cooney.  It's a fairly unknown book from 1982 (when I wasabout 3).  But it's got beautiful watercolor art work done in it. The story is mainly about a woman who makes the world a prettier place by sprinkling flower seeds for Lupines throughout the country side (based on a true story).  When I was 7 my mom and I planted many of this flower around our back yard to my our home pretty.  I love that my mother acknowledged my favorite book and helped it come to life for me.  I've always said when I have a home, I will plant some lupines somewhere as a nod to the love of that book.

When I was younger I always said my favorite book was Lightning By Dean Koontz.  It's the only adult book I've read more than twice.  I first read it when I was about 14, and thought it was amazing. 

But then when I was a sophomore in college, I read Outlander by Diana Gabaldon (and the six books in the series that follow).  And last year for the first six months of 2011, I re-read all seven books again.  Simply AMAZING.  Reading the series spread out over 12 years I kind of forgot certain things but still loved it.  But reading them in series in such a short time showed me just how wonderful the story and writing is.  I cannot wait to see the story continue.  Despite how much I loved my husband introducing me to the seven book series epic that is Steven King's Dark Tower series...Outlander will forever be my favorite series ever.  Side note, for 10 years now I've wanted to name a baby girl Brianna after one of the characters.  DH insists on Stephanie, after his grandmother and I can't deny him that so we'd need two girls in order for me to get my Brianna.  :(

And finally my current favorite book - - Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett.  I read it about four or five years ago after years of so many people telling me how great it is.  And they were right.  The follow up was too similar (so it was good but felt like cheating).  And my parents bought me the mini series that was on TV, HBO I think?  But I can't bring myself to watch it yet...because I know it will be horrible compared to the work of art that is the book.

A difference of opinion

I think I have a difference of opinion than the several vocal posters on the bump that recently have talked about how they will be a better mother because of IF.  Will I be more appreciative? Of course!  I won't complain from morning sickness, back pain, etc during pregnancy because I fought long and hard to get PG.  And When my child throws a temper tantrum, or takes longer to potty train, or whatever - yes I will probably be more patient.  But overall a better mother?  I don't know if that's true.  Because I will be a mother, mainly modeled after my mother.  And she was and is absolutely wonderful.  She lives and dies with my brother & I's successes and failures.  She supports us and is our best cheerleader.  And she didn't deal with IF.  Admittedly, she had a m/c when they started TTC #2, and the doc told her the best way to get over it was to get PG again...Hello Kati!  That's how I was born.  But every pregnancy, she'd get KU within two or three months of trying.  But again, without dealing with IF - my mom was the mom all my friends were jealous of.  My house was the house we hung out at.  My mom was the mom my friends told their fights about their parents to.  And she'd listen.  And give advice.  And somehow come off as not judging - even though she usually agreed with what the parents were trying to say.  She just spoke teenager better I guess.  I talk to my mom four to five times a week.  I am possibly my mothers best friend.  I am now 34 and she is 62 - and she recently lost her job.  I hurts me that I can't give her a hug from far away.  She has been the best Mom, and I don't think you have to struggle through IF to be able to say that.   But that's just me, and my difference of opinion.

Blog Challenege: Day Nine. 5 from Bucket List

This is a tough one for me to think of...Five things I want to do before I die. 

1)I guess I'd like to own a house outright.  We currently rent, and with IF, it will probably be a few years before we can buy.  And with a 30 year mortgage...I'll be over 65 by the time that house is paid off.  So I think once we decide to buy we'll be buying the only house we'll ever own.  And if finally having a car that I've paid off felt so go, I can only imagine a house feels 10x that.  My parents were 60 when they lived in a house they actually paid off and my mom said it was the best feeling in the world.

2)I hate to admit it, but I've never visited New York City.  I flew through there once on my way to Europe, and I was in NJ for my cousin's wedding.  But just have not gone to NYC.  I'd like to go to ground zero and pay my respects.  I'd like to do the cheesy tourist things like see Times Square, and go to the top of the Empire State building.  I want to walk around Central Park.  It's just so much apart of American lexicon that I feel in a way that I've been there....but I really want to see it for myself.

3) Skydive?  I've wanted to do it since I was 16.  But for some reason, now that I'm married I've gotten afraid of the idea.  Like I have someone to live for.  And if I have kids, I'm sure that will increase.  But there is still that little dare devil voice inside me that says "You know you want to do it!".  I've done cliff diving (which was fun, but no need to do again.) And when I lived in WV, I LOVED the four times we went white water rafting on the highest level rapids.  There is just something I love about the rush!  My brother was going to pay for us to do it as a high school graduation gift - but my parents found out and said "Not when you're on our insurance!"

4)  Go to the Sundance Film Festival.  My Aunt owns a townhouse in Park City Utah .  Sometime when I have enough money for flight, food, and fun I want to ask to go.  It's coming up in a few weeks and every year I'm so jealous that they  have the choice to go if they want.  I was a radio, TV & film major in college and if I had the stones I would have gone into directing but didn't so.... at least this would be a taste of seeing others that have fulfilled that dream.  (Kevin Smith is my hero).

5) I've been thinking on this and really can't think of a fifth so I'll just cop-out and stick with the trip to Ireland and Scotland trip that I mentioned yesterday.  My favorite book series of all time is Outlander by Diana Gabaldon and the first several books are set in Scotland, and it paints such a picture of it that I'd love to go there.

Blog Challenge: Day eight....Dream vacation

I have three dream vacations actually.  (Don't we all have several?)

The first is what we would have done for our honeymoon if we could have afforded it.  It's a Mediterranean cruise.  It's a smaller ship, not a giant cruise ship.  The main reason is I could see Italy and Greece.  My husband and I are very into history (he was a History major for undergrad before going to law school),  so we both think that'd just be amazing! 

The second is one I've said I'd like to do since I was about 18.  I would looooove to go to Ireland and Scotland.  They are so lush and green, and looks like some of the most beautiful places on earth.  And again, with the history, the castles, moors, etc.  I have this on my bucket list.  My college roommate Kim went with her husband for their honeymoon (this is very Irish couple) and the pictures were amazing!

And finally - Hawaii!  I went with my parents & brother when I was 13 but only to Kauai.  And Jeff has never been.  We'd both like to see the Arizona memorial, and I'd love to do one of those day trips where you go the top of a volcano (cool), watch the sunrise and then bike/coast all the way down to the beach. 

Blog Challenge: Day Seven

#7 - Where do you like to shop? 
Well this is a depressing blog topic for me!  Four years ago when I was still in advertising sales working for ABC in Milwaukee I used to have a monthly American Express bill of $1,000 a month.  Sure half of it was for gas and groceries and such...but the at least $300-$500 a month was "fun stuff" like shopping.  And now?  I know for a fact I don't spend $300 a year on clothes for Jeff and I.  These past four years I've learned to live a very fruegal life, and one of them is the waredrob.  Each year, we each get a new pair of cheap jeans from Target, and usually any new winter clothes we get is part of Christmas from my parents or his or each other.  And then in summer we each get maybe a new pair of shorts or tops or two, but very minimal.  Basically we've been lucky that we're still the same size so we have a lot of older clothes.  Just last night my MIL said "That's a cute sweater".  I told her it was 12 years old.  I realized it that morning that I hadn't worn it in forever, and I had a pic of myself in it my senior year in college!  Maybe I have a little bit of hoarding in me! Yikes!
So this is getting away from the point...where do I like to shop? I don't know anymore!  I just had fun using a Victoria's Gift card from my parents for my birthday to shop the semi annual sale (I got three tops & a pair of leggings for less than $75!).  And we almost always shop at Kohls because of how much you can get for so little.  A lot of my waredrob from the "old days" are from Macy's and an east coast shop I was addicted to when I lived in West Virginia called B.Moss.  I have an old shoe fetish that is hard to let go - so I'm a fan of DSW shoes.  If I had tons of money and could go on a shopping spree?  I'd go to this place called "Hot Momma" (yes, I know I'm not a mom yet, but I accedentally walked in there and the stuff looked awesome), Charming Charlies, and White House/Black Market.  Plus, I'm sure I'd still go to Kohls and my old staple: Macy's.  Anybody want to put me on "What Not to wear" so I can get that shopping spree?

Blog Challenge - Day Six

Day Six: A Picture of something that makes me Happy

This picture was taken June 11th, 2011.  Two days before our two year anniversary.  It was taken at a friend's wedding.  It makes me happy for some many reasons... first off - look at my adorable husband!  He picked out a tie all on his own to try and match my outfit (so cute).  Next, is my outfit.  Love it!  This was the outfit I wore to our rehersal dinner so it was two years old but this was the first chance I had to wear it again after that.  Next, it's how happy we look.  We were at a table with two of my closest girlfriends and their husbands.  It was the wedding of their little brother - and their family is like family to me.  And finally, because I had promised myself I'd take a picture of us every year on our anniversay and already forgot for our second anniversary.  Then my friend sent me this pic she took of us.  Sure it's about 29 hours before our anniversary date - but it'll do!  Plus, of all the pcitures taken of us in 2011, this is the best one. 

Blog Challenge Day 4 & 5

Well, I guess that answers how long I could keep up.  Three whole days before I forgot/got too busy.  Oh well, I will not feel bad as I spent a lot of time last night making an awesome dinner I found on pinterest.  So here we go with a double. (I'm sure it will not be the first in this month)

#4 - What would you do if you won the lottery (aside from pay off bills and donate?)
- I personally would first do our IUI with injects and IVF (if needed) in order to have a child...and then do it again until we had three kids...our life goal is two kids but if we had tons of money I think we'd want three.
- I'd buy a big house on the lake here in our little town of Lake in the Hills.  But even with the lake I'd put in an infinity pool for fitness swimming & a hot tub.  And make sure it had a HUGE deck for entertaining.
- I'd also buy a property down at Lake in the Ozarks in Missouri big enough for my family & Jeff's family to use for vacations (Six bedrooms would be needed but we could buy a three bedroom and convert a basement like my BFFs parents did.)  And of course we'd need a boat & jet ski's LOL (if you're gonna dream, go big!)
- But first to enjoy the "we're retired!" feeling we'd take a long month vacation.  First up? Vegas baby!  We'd spend one week there, then drive to southern Cali for a week, and finally two weeks in Hawaii!

#5 - Fifteen facts about yourself
Are you ready for Kati fact overload? 1)  I was born on Dec. 18th, 2)  my dad was out of town on business & missed my birth.  3) we moved three times before my 2nd birthday due to my Dad's job in sales.  4) My first memory is the day we moved into our first house in Chicagoland (my 2nd Birthday).  5) I have an older brother named Dan. 6) He has three boys - Ryan (12), Connor (11), and Jack (9).  7) I loved gymnastics as a kid, but 8) a bone growth injury in the heal caused me to quit.  9) It also caused me to be in five casts in two years and on crutches 13 times!  10) My doc recommended swimming for PT afterward and I ended up being on the swim team in High School.  11) My three best friends worked with me as Lifeguards at the beach.  12) My BFF Barb introduced me to my husband by  telling me "I met the man you are going to marry.  13) When I first met him, I thought Jeff looked "too old" for me.  14) He's 6 years older than me, but my soul mate.  15) I threw my first party ever (yes people, in college I just went to parties...never threw them) for his 40th birthday. 

Blog Challenge; Day three: What's in my Make-up bag?

I will say it...I have boring make up.  This can be taken one of two ways...I am beautiful on my own and don't need much to look pretty (LOL, I'd love to go with this one but I think Jeff is the only one who might really think this way), or option B...that I'm a cheap and simple.  Well, I've often referred to myself as a T Shirt and Jeans girl.  A laid back chick.  And I guess my make up confirms it. 

I use covergirl foundation, powder, and blush.  I use Maybelline lipstick & mascara.  My eye makeup is all over the board...the nicest is from Estee Lauder (christmas gift from mom).  But everyday the eye makeup is the only thing that changes, everything else - including lipstick stays the same. 

I sometimes wonder, is it because I don't like change?  Or because I know what works - and if it isn't broke, don't fix it? 

I know there are many girls who wear less make up than me...but to be honest it appears the other way around. There are many gals made up like they are planning to be in a play. A friend of mine in Iowa that I worked with once said it best...He said he felt if we went to bed together, he'd wake up with the same girl in the morning. But some girls, he felt if he saw them without their makeup he wouldn't recognize them. I keep it fairly natural.

Blog Challenge- Day Two: What's in your Handbag

My mother in law refers to my purse as "the magical purse".  Because I have a smaller purse than most everyone I know, and yet I'm always pulling anything anyone needs out of it.  I HATE large purses, and fear that it's a side effect of becoming a mother.  Don't get me wrong, I'll take that side effect!  But hope that I can keep my medium size bag, instead of on of those gigantic suckers.  Besides, that's what a diaper bag is for!  So...what's inside this "magical bag"?

First of course is the wallet for obvious reasons.  Next, is a little 3inch x2 inch book that my friend got me.  It's awesome because you open it and it's a note pad on one side and an accordion file on the other - in the files I have coupons, stamps, a few pictures, and I still carry my two must haves from my wedding planning - a post-it with the cost breakdown and a contact list of all the vendors.  I can't tell you how often in the past two and a half years since we got married that someones been planning a wedding and asked "who'd you use for alterations and what'd it cost?" or something similar.  I whip out my book and tell them.  I know I should let it go and put it in a scrap book but just have not gotten around to it.  I also have a calendar, pen, and checkbook in there.

The next important thing is my camera and extra batteries.  I am a former photo junkie!  I don't take as many the past few years but I've gotten many a shots when someone said "I wish I'd brought my camera!" And I pull mine out.  But with my new smart phone black berry, I have a feeling my camera will see much less use. 

The rest I consider basic purse stuff...gum, lip gloss, tide stain stick, band aids, comb, Advil, a safety pin, sunglasses.  OK, alright....maybe not everyone carries a USB jump drive - but I think they should.  And sadly, because of my stupid retail job (thanks bad economy) I also have my Target name tag and a band for my tennis elbow.  And all of this fits into my black leather Liz Claiborne purse that looks similar to the pic below (only black). 

Blog Challenge; Day One - Blog title

Today's topic?  Why my blog is named what it is.  The story behind my blog name is in this post.  My first actual blog, twenty months ago.  So I will not re-hash that. 

But, looking back at that post did get me to thinking about how I had no idea how appropriate the title was at the time.  When I came up with it, we had been trying for 12 cycles in 10 months.  At that point, it seemed like I had "struggled" already.  Don't get me wrong.  In some ways, the first year was the hardest!  Because it's when I learned about charting, over analyzed everything, cried with almost every negative test, and felt like I was a total failure because I didn't know "what was wrong". 

But in another way, I had no idea the real struggle lay ahead of me.  Getting the MFI Dx, and then learning I had low P4s & slight LPD was hard - on both Jeff and I.  Then getting our hopes up with improved numbers with vitamins for Jeff.  Then finally excepting medical ART intervention - but thinking, "well, it will work the first time because our Dx is really not that bad!"  And finally having to accept having to break for over eight months due to finances.  And now, that it's coming to an end in two weeks and we'll be able to cycle again. I feel like I'm back to where I was April 2011!  But I try to remember that hope is a good thing (so says my favorite movie Shawshank Redemption).  And the juice will be worth the squeeze damn it! 

Thirty Day Blog Challenge

So sbrowns at Happily Home Spun inspired me to do the "Thirty Day Blog Challenge" which can be found here.  We'll see how good I am at keeping up with this once a day.  Below is the list of the daily topics.  I will be starting with "Day One" today in my next post.  As I might have more to discuss than just the topic, I might actually be *gasp* blogging twice a day or longer posts.  Feel free to ignore me while I embark on this blog-venture.

Day 1 - What is the meaning behind your blog name?
Day 2 - What's in your handbag?
Day 3 - What's in your makeup bag?
Day 4 - If you won the lottery what would you blow your money on (after charity and bills, of course) list 10 material possessions you would buy for yourself.
Day 5 - 15 facts about yourself.
Day 6- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 7 - Where do you like to shop?
Day 8 - Describe your dream vacation.
Day 9 - List 5 things you want to do before you die.
Day 10 - What is your favorite book?
Day 11 - If you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?
Day 12 - List 5 pet peeves.
Day 13 - List 5 guilty pleasures.
Day 14 - Put your iPad on shuffle. List the first 10 songs that play.
Day 15 - Show your favorite outfit or fashion pieces.
Day 16 - How did you and your partner decide when you were ready to start trying to conceive?
Day 17 - Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it?
Day 18 - Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile?
Day 19 - Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.
Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.
Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?
Day 22 - What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant? Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?
Day 23 - Talk about how you chose your RE.
Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility?
Day 25 - Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility?
Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.
Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.
Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?
Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?
Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.