I know there are many with the attitude of "Good Riddance" to the past year. And here on Dec 31st I have seen several FB posts to that effect and this is another way I know I have healed...because I said that myself a few years ago in a blog- but not this year. Yes a year ago today I was in the throes of pain from taking the miso to miscarry my son. And yet - if I look back at the year as a whole - really not that bad. As with any person in the world; there are highs and lows to life. And for me this year has had extremes of both.
Extreme Low? Jan 1st 2014 physically losing my son. Extreme High? Hard to say. Hearing after six months that we finally got OK'd to move forward buying the house was pretty damn awesome. But that trip to Nashville in April and watching the blackhawks from six rows off the ice was frickin' awesome as hell. Karaoking, drinking, laughing and crying with my local #75Strong girls in February meant so much to me. The fun day trips with Jeff - hell the day to day times he's made me laugh til I snort and cry were many - How does he seem to get funnier each and every year? Daydreaming of what to do with the house, starting to pack and revisit the past while digging through old things, new clothes for Christmas, and losing 14 lbs in the last five months - it's all good! Really the miscarriage and the end of our fertility journey (well and just how fricking long this short sale has taken) have been the only bad things about this year. So I'm focusing on all the good. All the fun had. All the love I felt from family, friends, and my husband as I made it through the toughest moment in my life. But that doesn't define me. Yes - it has changed a part of me. And years and years from now I'm sure most all I'll remember about this year is that loss but I want to remember that from that moment forward the year just went up - because honestly where else could it go? But what a great up it has been.
I feel healthier both mentally and physically then I have in six years. We're finally financially stable to get a house, have the highest credit score we've had our entire marriage and have paid off so much debt (my main goal this past year). Our love and marriage is stronger than it's ever been.
And 2015? Bring it on!
1. After losing those 14lbs I feel trying to lose another 20lbs this year is actually do-able! I know so many people put weight loss goals and I won't be too hard on myself - but it's just the belief from what I have accomplished already in five months - and that I made it through Nov & Dec without gaining any of it back (NEVER have I done that!) Well Hell - let's keep that shit going! Hell I only have 8lbs to go to be the lowest weight in over 15 years!
2. This year I walked my first 5k and I'd like to do another one this year and *gasp* maybe even try and jog for some of it! (Thanks Emmypants for being my inspiration for this one!)
3. I want to continue and further our financial responsibility - but with the house I know this year will be tough so my one and only financial goal is to get back our "safety net"...we've had 3k in savings since March. I know that most if not all will be used on the move, painting the first floor, cleaning the place and all that comes with a new home but I want to build that back up to end 2015 right where we are now - with that safety net.
4. DIY/House Projects/Wood Working - this is going to be vague but while looking around the internet for things I want (objects) or projects I'd like to do for the house I keep thinking "Maybe we could do that ourselves?" Case in point - I want to recover the dining room chairs from the flower pattern my mother put on there when I was like 8? They are antiques that I inherited when my grandmother passed away that were originally my great grandmothers. I want them to be plain yet - I'm thinking a cranberry color. I also like the idea of a narrow table along the wall near the front door but don't want to pay an arm and a leg - I think I may be able to build that (maybe with the help of my DIY master friend Lauren?!)
5. And finally - get a NEW JOB. Once the house sale is behind us - hello job search goodbye retail! But I know it may take a few months as the job market still is tough here in Illinois but hell - if I could increase my paycheck a little that will seriously help with our goals financially and toward the home projects.
WELCOME 2015!
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
A different kind of guilt
I've had IF guilt.
I've had loss guilt.
Now I have a whole different kind of guilt. The I'm doing good guilt trip.
I see so many of my IF and or loss friends having a hard time this time of year and it breaks my heart. I wish I had some kind of advice - but I know that since everyone handles loss, IF, depression, whatever different I don't know what to say aside from I am so sorry they are hurting and offer hugs. And then I self question - am I really doing ok? Yes, I really believe the first few months were the worst and the healing process for me has been progressively better as each month passes. I even believe that because we've moved beyond the "what if" phase has helped - being child free for me had the benefit of lifting the weight of "what if?" off my shoulder. And then I feel guilty. Do these loss women love their lost little ones more than me? Do these other women with four to six years of infertility under their belts too get the holiday blues from some gene I'm missing? Hell even my SIL who didn't face IF and has two children said she can't get in the holiday spirit.
And then here I come - humming Christmas tunes, in a genuinely cheerful mood, 90% done with shopping and wrapping gifts, fully decorated home, full of holiday spirit that I feel like Buddy in the movie ELF. And I can't help but wonder - did I bury the grief so deep in a secret hidden box that one of these days I'll just totally have a melt down? Or did I get so hurt by IF and loss that I became a robot? No - that's not true. Those stupid Folgers Coffee commercials with a grandma and grandchild looking at ornaments still makes me tear up and then think "Lucky fuckers". And yes, I'm dreading New Years Eve and Day because of it being the day I passed my son into this world. (P.S. I'm still planning on drinking a shit ton to get through it.) And I've already decided I will be finding someone to work for me that night/next day if I'm scheduled to work - hell I'll call in as mentally sick and tell them why if no one will take my shift - I don't give a rats ass. I will be drunk or hung over. But daily? Jeff makes me laugh. I love LOVE looking for that perfect gift for loved ones. I love penguins in santa hats on wrapping paper. I love flannel pajamas. I love looking at the lights on in neighborhoods. I love having snowflakes painted on my nails.
I've seen others saying Christmas is best through the eyes of children. And yes, I'm missing out on that. But not fully. I have five nephews. I've been with them all for many a Christmas morning. I wrote notes to Santa and left out cookies. I've tracked his sleigh on Norad for them. I get to see all the adorable pictures of my friends in little elf costumes and on santa's lap.
So to those of you who are having a hard time this holiday season - again I say I am so sorry you are hurting. And I offer you creepy internet hugs as loving and squishy as they come. But for people who think you need kids to enjoy Christmas - wrong! I can and AM enjoying the shit out of this Holiday. I still put on John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Album to decorate my tree and probably will until the day I die. I will always look for wrapping paper with penguins on it. I will play along with any kid who believes in santa and even insist to the ones that don't that we're leaving out cookies and milk. Because damn it I did that before the grandkids came along when I was in my teens and 20s - just cause some are teenagers now don't poop on my holiday spirit. I will watch Ralphie get his Red Rider BB Gun with a compus and a stock and this thing that tells time before going to sleep. While there is nothing wrong with not having the holiday spirit - and I don't try to tell people to "move on" or "get over it" or "cheer up" - please don't make me feel guilty for having it.
I've had loss guilt.
Now I have a whole different kind of guilt. The I'm doing good guilt trip.
I see so many of my IF and or loss friends having a hard time this time of year and it breaks my heart. I wish I had some kind of advice - but I know that since everyone handles loss, IF, depression, whatever different I don't know what to say aside from I am so sorry they are hurting and offer hugs. And then I self question - am I really doing ok? Yes, I really believe the first few months were the worst and the healing process for me has been progressively better as each month passes. I even believe that because we've moved beyond the "what if" phase has helped - being child free for me had the benefit of lifting the weight of "what if?" off my shoulder. And then I feel guilty. Do these loss women love their lost little ones more than me? Do these other women with four to six years of infertility under their belts too get the holiday blues from some gene I'm missing? Hell even my SIL who didn't face IF and has two children said she can't get in the holiday spirit.
And then here I come - humming Christmas tunes, in a genuinely cheerful mood, 90% done with shopping and wrapping gifts, fully decorated home, full of holiday spirit that I feel like Buddy in the movie ELF. And I can't help but wonder - did I bury the grief so deep in a secret hidden box that one of these days I'll just totally have a melt down? Or did I get so hurt by IF and loss that I became a robot? No - that's not true. Those stupid Folgers Coffee commercials with a grandma and grandchild looking at ornaments still makes me tear up and then think "Lucky fuckers". And yes, I'm dreading New Years Eve and Day because of it being the day I passed my son into this world. (P.S. I'm still planning on drinking a shit ton to get through it.) And I've already decided I will be finding someone to work for me that night/next day if I'm scheduled to work - hell I'll call in as mentally sick and tell them why if no one will take my shift - I don't give a rats ass. I will be drunk or hung over. But daily? Jeff makes me laugh. I love LOVE looking for that perfect gift for loved ones. I love penguins in santa hats on wrapping paper. I love flannel pajamas. I love looking at the lights on in neighborhoods. I love having snowflakes painted on my nails.
I've seen others saying Christmas is best through the eyes of children. And yes, I'm missing out on that. But not fully. I have five nephews. I've been with them all for many a Christmas morning. I wrote notes to Santa and left out cookies. I've tracked his sleigh on Norad for them. I get to see all the adorable pictures of my friends in little elf costumes and on santa's lap.
So to those of you who are having a hard time this holiday season - again I say I am so sorry you are hurting. And I offer you creepy internet hugs as loving and squishy as they come. But for people who think you need kids to enjoy Christmas - wrong! I can and AM enjoying the shit out of this Holiday. I still put on John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Album to decorate my tree and probably will until the day I die. I will always look for wrapping paper with penguins on it. I will play along with any kid who believes in santa and even insist to the ones that don't that we're leaving out cookies and milk. Because damn it I did that before the grandkids came along when I was in my teens and 20s - just cause some are teenagers now don't poop on my holiday spirit. I will watch Ralphie get his Red Rider BB Gun with a compus and a stock and this thing that tells time before going to sleep. While there is nothing wrong with not having the holiday spirit - and I don't try to tell people to "move on" or "get over it" or "cheer up" - please don't make me feel guilty for having it.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
saying goodbye to old friends
So over five years ago I went to my parents and rented a UHaul a few months after my grandmother had passed, in order to drive home my dining room table and hutch. It was originally my great grandmother Katy's (whom I was named after), then it was my mothers. When my grandmother passed - my mom took her set and I got the antique! But since we had a Uhaul, my parents also wanted me to take a few boxes of childhood items in the thought that eventually if I had a little girl I could share my beloved possessions. Well over five years later and here we are...I need to start packing for the move.
So I decided to start in the least used room in the town house - the guest bedroom. And in this closet held much of my childhood. In one box was a collection of books I read around ages 8-10. Harriet the Spy was my favorite. I decided to just take the whole dang box off to our local library so that hopefully so other little girls could enjoy the adventures within the pages. Then the stuffed animals. Well - some. We still can't find a box my parents must have with my absolute favorites. Anyway, I kept three that have special meaning. I took ten (after a good wash and dry to remove the dusty smell) off to Goodwill to bring smiles to other children. And I have six that some people might find collectible to put up on ebay to see if they get a bite (Muppet Babies and Opus). I also got a breast pump that my dad got me for free when he worked for Medela back in 2000 wrapped up to mail off to one of my fellow IFers who has become PG after five years and going the foster to adopt route. Yes, it was slightly sad that the reason I was purging this closet was because there will never be a little girl to call our own - but I also felt really good donating all these things because while they touched my life they will touch so many more now.
I've said before that one thing I find sad about being childless is that I won't have anyone to pass the stories, traditions, and history of me down to others. I think that's inherently human. But I can at least pass on the smiles. BUT since the internet is forever (so they say) I think I will start to every now and then blog about stories and memories as a therapeutic way to know they are out there.
And so a quick story about two of the things I got rid of today that are tied to one thing - the annual work Christmas Party my parents would go to when I was a kid. My dad worked for Alberto Culver (they make shampoo and hair spray and such - or at least did in the 80s...I honestly don't know if they're still in business) Each year, their party had a theme and center pieces around the theme. One year it was "Carousel" (Slightly Paris too). My Dad got one of the center pieces and made it into a lamp as part of my room design for my 10th birthday. Today I put this horse on the curb for trash pick up as I don't have the shade anymore, don't even know if it works, and it's got a stain so I don't even want to try to sell it. Goodbye Nelly - thanks for being the light of my room for five years as a tween.
Another year, the theme was the Jungle. And my dad brought back a giant Monkey "Coco" and Elephant "Mr. Snuffles". Mr. Snuffles still resides at my parents house and was enjoyed years ago by my nephew Jack. But today I said goodbye to Coco as she went off to donation. Please ignore the double chin and pony tail hair... at the last minute I decided to do a selfie and didn't take the time to frame the shot properly.
So I decided to start in the least used room in the town house - the guest bedroom. And in this closet held much of my childhood. In one box was a collection of books I read around ages 8-10. Harriet the Spy was my favorite. I decided to just take the whole dang box off to our local library so that hopefully so other little girls could enjoy the adventures within the pages. Then the stuffed animals. Well - some. We still can't find a box my parents must have with my absolute favorites. Anyway, I kept three that have special meaning. I took ten (after a good wash and dry to remove the dusty smell) off to Goodwill to bring smiles to other children. And I have six that some people might find collectible to put up on ebay to see if they get a bite (Muppet Babies and Opus). I also got a breast pump that my dad got me for free when he worked for Medela back in 2000 wrapped up to mail off to one of my fellow IFers who has become PG after five years and going the foster to adopt route. Yes, it was slightly sad that the reason I was purging this closet was because there will never be a little girl to call our own - but I also felt really good donating all these things because while they touched my life they will touch so many more now.
I've said before that one thing I find sad about being childless is that I won't have anyone to pass the stories, traditions, and history of me down to others. I think that's inherently human. But I can at least pass on the smiles. BUT since the internet is forever (so they say) I think I will start to every now and then blog about stories and memories as a therapeutic way to know they are out there.
And so a quick story about two of the things I got rid of today that are tied to one thing - the annual work Christmas Party my parents would go to when I was a kid. My dad worked for Alberto Culver (they make shampoo and hair spray and such - or at least did in the 80s...I honestly don't know if they're still in business) Each year, their party had a theme and center pieces around the theme. One year it was "Carousel" (Slightly Paris too). My Dad got one of the center pieces and made it into a lamp as part of my room design for my 10th birthday. Today I put this horse on the curb for trash pick up as I don't have the shade anymore, don't even know if it works, and it's got a stain so I don't even want to try to sell it. Goodbye Nelly - thanks for being the light of my room for five years as a tween.
Another year, the theme was the Jungle. And my dad brought back a giant Monkey "Coco" and Elephant "Mr. Snuffles". Mr. Snuffles still resides at my parents house and was enjoyed years ago by my nephew Jack. But today I said goodbye to Coco as she went off to donation. Please ignore the double chin and pony tail hair... at the last minute I decided to do a selfie and didn't take the time to frame the shot properly.
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