So I went to the OB this morning for my not-so-annual pap. I honestly don't remember when the last one was. I had to have one before my IUIs started and since they reminded me that I need to have one that is less than a year and a half old to do one so I can't move forward without it. Since they reminded me this in the spring; I assume it's been a good two years. Oops. I never went more than 13 months before facing IF without my annual, but it's like - hey I have a doctor in my crotch every few months, why bother?
Well with my one wacky-ass cycle and being six days late I decided fine. Get the pap. If all the HPTs are neg then this will bring it on (either by jinx and I'll have to cancel the appointment or by the scrapping of the cervix saying "wake up in there!"). And if while I'm there I give her my five theories and ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid scan and find out what those spots on my thigh are- all the better. AND while I'm getting my blood draw take a few extra tubes for those required one's that yet again need to be done since it's been over 18 months since our first IUI (really just rubbing salt in the wound that we've been doing treatments for almost two years come this spring). Yep, once again I get to have STD tests to prove I'm not cheating on my husband LOL. We both joked if one of us comes back positive then 'Lucy, you gots some 'splaining to do!'
The bad thing about having an OB do these and not my RE? Can't get results until tomorrow. But looks as if I won't need the darn results because a few hours ago I started spotting and now the lower back pain hell has begun. Here come the sneaky period ninjas to do battle. The silver lining to all of this? Now I won't have them join us on the end of our vaca in 16 days. Woohoo! But seriously?!?! A 32 cycle for me? Six days longer than over 40 of my cycles? It's a statistical anomaly people!! It's enough to drive this cray-cray girl back to temping if my predictable of predictables is no longer predictable!
Thankfully she told me the spots on my thigh, just ingrown hairs. She recommended a warm bath every day. HA! I had to inform this woman that me and my bath are close friends. I take a bath at least five times a week, and on a rare occasion twice in one day. She said 3 times a day. First off, for me that's three hours of my day because I take long soaks. She then said just warm compress will do. Darn, I was really hoping for medically prescribed prune hands.
So to end this long dribble...I expect all normal info to come tomorrow from my tests. And a large drink in my hands tomorrow night to ring in the next cycle and drown those period ninjas.
Just my ramblings on life. Now mainly travel but old posts are mainly Infertility related.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The Eff'd up cycle
I am the very model of a predictable cycler. I charted for over two and a half years. Took my temps religiously every morning for a thousand days. (seriously, over a thousand frickin days.) I stopped because of how reliable it was. My pre O temps were always below 98.0, my after O temps were always above that and spiked out at 98.6 and the day before my period would nose dive to below 97.9 every time.
I ovulated ever cycle (for 45 cycles now) between cd13 and cd15. And had an average LP of 12 days. Making my period arrive at cd24-cd26.
And then this cycle hits. Since I stopped temping this spring after so much consistency, I assume I ovulated around normal time - but really I have no evidence to the fact. And today is cd29. Three days past when it should have ended. So I took a home pregnancy test yesterday. Negative. And again this morning. Negative. Based on average, I should be 15dpo - so HPTs should be accurate. So therefore I do not believe I am pregnant. But then the swirl of a billion other possibilities run through the brain.
First...on Monday before last....what should have been 7dpo, I had pain near my right ovary that felt like very severe O pain. I'm talking the kind you get when you've been on a treatment cycle pumped full of FSH drugs with a golf ball size follie. And I thought; WTF? I know it's not ovulation at cd21...but maybe it was. Maybe it was a cyst. (At the time I even had the fleeting thought maybe it was my appendix). So **1** there is a possibility that for some odd reason for the first time in 46 cycles I ovulated a whole frickin' week late. OK, so then period should be here Saturday. But what if I do have a cyst that is putting out progesterone? Then I won't get a period. That's possibility **2**. Oh, and did I mention I'm fighting a cold with a low grade fever of 99.2 so I can't tell if my BBT temp is up or down? Fun times.
**3** I have had half of my thyroid removed. Levels were taken at 4 weeks , 3 months, and 6 months post op and found to be fine. But I have lost 9lbs in less than 2 months...which is a bit rare for me. I thought it was because I was working more night shifts which = small dinners and no snacks and excercise at night when I'm usually sitting on my ass on the couch. And yes, that still may well be the case ((Score)). But what if the weight loss and no period is a sign my half thyroid has decided to fuck up my predictable world.
**4** And this is the TMI embarrassing one. I have some spots in my upper thigh, basically when the thigh meets the crotch. I assumed when they first appeared that they were clogged pores with a zit that didn't come to a head. Now they are slightly tender and sore and googling around I am fearful that it might now be an infection. Like a staph infection. Super. And last night, past midnight, on my phone in bed I found a website that said this could delay AF. but of course now in the light of day with a clearer head. I cannot find the site and wonder if I'm wrong.
**5** (And this is where my mind seriously goes off the ranch people). What if I actually did hit the 4% chance of getting naturally KU but it's not showing up on the HPT yet. First, I think it should def. show up by 16dpo tomorrow and I only have one HPT left in the house. But then I start to think...I never have ever gotten a pos. OPK because of my diabetes, so what if that effects HPTs too. How high does the level of HCG have to be to overcome this? Since I didn't find any evidence to this on google, I know I'm just fishing. But that's what over three years of infertility will do to a girl. There's that line from Psycho "We all go a little mad sometimes". That time for me is today.
So I have decided that tomorrow if no AF and no pos. HPT I will call OB (or RE, more on this a little later). I will request an appointment as soon as I can get squeezed in (hopefully in before Friday). Since I have not gone for my annual that was due back in March and need one before my 4th IUI in January, I've just been putting off the inevitable. I will not only ask for a pap (where I will bring up, WTF is this bump thing? Is it an infection?) but I will ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid level check.
If I do get AF by tomorrow morning I will just call to schedule my pap (and get that thing checked out) but for next week or week after since there will no longer be a rush to keep my sanity.
If I get a pos. HPT, I will call RE and ask for all of the above tests and then ask about getting my annual pap from my OB and ask about the cyst thing. Some IF'er might ask, Why the OB in the first place? Why not just the RE no matter what since I've been in his care more recently than the OB. Well, since I am out of pocket (OOP) for RE stuff ever since we passed the testing phase, I see no need to have to pay lots of money for a matter my OB can bill my insurance for. The only reasons for reservations on this decision is that my RE knows more. And I suppose if I ask, it could be billed as testing, not IF related since I have not had a treatment cycle since April. But I just don't know if I'm willing to take the risk.
I don't write this post for you, my few and far between readers. And let's face it, it's really long now so are you really still even reading? No, again this is a post for me. So in the future I can try to laugh at how at cycle 46 (46!) I became a newbie all over again. Besides, I've now vented about this to all three of the places where my IF'er e-friends reside so this is old news. Yes, I'm ignoring the advice I have given to newbs for years. That wonky cycles can happen. And to just test every couple of days and don't worry until you hit 60 days. Well I'm not having it people. And I'll tell you why. As one of my COA girls said it tonight... I have 46 cycles under my belt! It's not like I am doing this on a whim. But I still feel the newbie shame. Ugh. Please let this nightmare end either pleasantly or at least quickly and fairly painlessly.
I ovulated ever cycle (for 45 cycles now) between cd13 and cd15. And had an average LP of 12 days. Making my period arrive at cd24-cd26.
And then this cycle hits. Since I stopped temping this spring after so much consistency, I assume I ovulated around normal time - but really I have no evidence to the fact. And today is cd29. Three days past when it should have ended. So I took a home pregnancy test yesterday. Negative. And again this morning. Negative. Based on average, I should be 15dpo - so HPTs should be accurate. So therefore I do not believe I am pregnant. But then the swirl of a billion other possibilities run through the brain.
First...on Monday before last....what should have been 7dpo, I had pain near my right ovary that felt like very severe O pain. I'm talking the kind you get when you've been on a treatment cycle pumped full of FSH drugs with a golf ball size follie. And I thought; WTF? I know it's not ovulation at cd21...but maybe it was. Maybe it was a cyst. (At the time I even had the fleeting thought maybe it was my appendix). So **1** there is a possibility that for some odd reason for the first time in 46 cycles I ovulated a whole frickin' week late. OK, so then period should be here Saturday. But what if I do have a cyst that is putting out progesterone? Then I won't get a period. That's possibility **2**. Oh, and did I mention I'm fighting a cold with a low grade fever of 99.2 so I can't tell if my BBT temp is up or down? Fun times.
**3** I have had half of my thyroid removed. Levels were taken at 4 weeks , 3 months, and 6 months post op and found to be fine. But I have lost 9lbs in less than 2 months...which is a bit rare for me. I thought it was because I was working more night shifts which = small dinners and no snacks and excercise at night when I'm usually sitting on my ass on the couch. And yes, that still may well be the case ((Score)). But what if the weight loss and no period is a sign my half thyroid has decided to fuck up my predictable world.
**4** And this is the TMI embarrassing one. I have some spots in my upper thigh, basically when the thigh meets the crotch. I assumed when they first appeared that they were clogged pores with a zit that didn't come to a head. Now they are slightly tender and sore and googling around I am fearful that it might now be an infection. Like a staph infection. Super. And last night, past midnight, on my phone in bed I found a website that said this could delay AF. but of course now in the light of day with a clearer head. I cannot find the site and wonder if I'm wrong.
**5** (And this is where my mind seriously goes off the ranch people). What if I actually did hit the 4% chance of getting naturally KU but it's not showing up on the HPT yet. First, I think it should def. show up by 16dpo tomorrow and I only have one HPT left in the house. But then I start to think...I never have ever gotten a pos. OPK because of my diabetes, so what if that effects HPTs too. How high does the level of HCG have to be to overcome this? Since I didn't find any evidence to this on google, I know I'm just fishing. But that's what over three years of infertility will do to a girl. There's that line from Psycho "We all go a little mad sometimes". That time for me is today.
So I have decided that tomorrow if no AF and no pos. HPT I will call OB (or RE, more on this a little later). I will request an appointment as soon as I can get squeezed in (hopefully in before Friday). Since I have not gone for my annual that was due back in March and need one before my 4th IUI in January, I've just been putting off the inevitable. I will not only ask for a pap (where I will bring up, WTF is this bump thing? Is it an infection?) but I will ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid level check.
If I do get AF by tomorrow morning I will just call to schedule my pap (and get that thing checked out) but for next week or week after since there will no longer be a rush to keep my sanity.
If I get a pos. HPT, I will call RE and ask for all of the above tests and then ask about getting my annual pap from my OB and ask about the cyst thing. Some IF'er might ask, Why the OB in the first place? Why not just the RE no matter what since I've been in his care more recently than the OB. Well, since I am out of pocket (OOP) for RE stuff ever since we passed the testing phase, I see no need to have to pay lots of money for a matter my OB can bill my insurance for. The only reasons for reservations on this decision is that my RE knows more. And I suppose if I ask, it could be billed as testing, not IF related since I have not had a treatment cycle since April. But I just don't know if I'm willing to take the risk.
I don't write this post for you, my few and far between readers. And let's face it, it's really long now so are you really still even reading? No, again this is a post for me. So in the future I can try to laugh at how at cycle 46 (46!) I became a newbie all over again. Besides, I've now vented about this to all three of the places where my IF'er e-friends reside so this is old news. Yes, I'm ignoring the advice I have given to newbs for years. That wonky cycles can happen. And to just test every couple of days and don't worry until you hit 60 days. Well I'm not having it people. And I'll tell you why. As one of my COA girls said it tonight... I have 46 cycles under my belt! It's not like I am doing this on a whim. But I still feel the newbie shame. Ugh. Please let this nightmare end either pleasantly or at least quickly and fairly painlessly.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Childfree does not equal selfish!
So on Facebook I follow STFU Parents. It's great humor in this world of "overshare". And often, on FB she links to interesting articles that I might not come across myself. Moments ago she linked to this:
http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/joe-oconnor-selfishness-behind-growing-trend-for-couples-to-not-have-children/
It is an article that discusses the latest census in Canada that there are more child free couple households than there are of households with children. And the writer goes on to say this is selfish. And who will take care of those without children when they are old.
He doesn't mention the fact that the baby boomer generation is the largest generation and all of their kids are now grown, so they are lumped into the child free home. He does however call people without children selfish. And this is what boils my blood. Clearly as someone fighting with everything I've got to have children, I would be counted as a childfree household. This is not by choice, this is life of an infertile. I couldn't help but comment. Here is what I wrote under the pseudonym "Infertile Voice":
"Because of social norms and careers, getting married older (30's instead of 20's) is now more the norm. Which caused more chance for age related infertility to be in play. Dealing with infertility in my mid 30's makes the time frame for treatment shorter than if I had met the man of my dreams and married at 24.
If nothing comes of treatment after 5 years we will be child free for the rest of our lives. This is not selfish! We have spent thousands of dollars to have the joy of being parents. As a society dealing with this scenario more, obviously the rate of couples with children goes down. Just because this isn't the 1950's anymore with Suzie-Homemaker having kids by 25, does not mean that everyone is making this choice. Sometimes the choice is made for you."
But also what really bugged me is the insinuation that people that are in a couple should have children whether they want to or not. Do we want children to be brought up by those who didn't want them?! There are enough unwanted kids in the world looking to be adopted. And knowing you don't want kids, while maybe not socially accepted on the whole, is something I've embraced of friends. I have a friend that said she never wanted children. Fine. While I may not understand it fully, it's her right to have that choice. I've had a friend that thought that, and later changed her mind. And from my IF community I have friends that have been through the hell of the IF roller coaster and decided to get off and live Child free. And then here we sit...still in the middle of the fog of infertility hope - but finally seeing an end in sight. We either have success with treatments in the next two years or we won't and live child free. And while there are some benefits to this life, it will by no means be what I had wanted as a little girl. But selfish? No. Self sustaining. I would not be able to keep going with the emotional hell that IF puts you under for 8, 10, 12 years.
Oh, and thanks writer for ending the article with the one fear that haunts me. Who will take care of me when I'm old. There are nursing homes for that, that is not why I want to have kids. But nursing homes don't love you. I do not want to face the end of this world alone without love. And now you've sucked me down into another bad infertility day. Fuck You and your sanctimonious dribble.
http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/joe-oconnor-selfishness-behind-growing-trend-for-couples-to-not-have-children/
It is an article that discusses the latest census in Canada that there are more child free couple households than there are of households with children. And the writer goes on to say this is selfish. And who will take care of those without children when they are old.
He doesn't mention the fact that the baby boomer generation is the largest generation and all of their kids are now grown, so they are lumped into the child free home. He does however call people without children selfish. And this is what boils my blood. Clearly as someone fighting with everything I've got to have children, I would be counted as a childfree household. This is not by choice, this is life of an infertile. I couldn't help but comment. Here is what I wrote under the pseudonym "Infertile Voice":
"Because of social norms and careers, getting married older (30's instead of 20's) is now more the norm. Which caused more chance for age related infertility to be in play. Dealing with infertility in my mid 30's makes the time frame for treatment shorter than if I had met the man of my dreams and married at 24.
If nothing comes of treatment after 5 years we will be child free for the rest of our lives. This is not selfish! We have spent thousands of dollars to have the joy of being parents. As a society dealing with this scenario more, obviously the rate of couples with children goes down. Just because this isn't the 1950's anymore with Suzie-Homemaker having kids by 25, does not mean that everyone is making this choice. Sometimes the choice is made for you."
But also what really bugged me is the insinuation that people that are in a couple should have children whether they want to or not. Do we want children to be brought up by those who didn't want them?! There are enough unwanted kids in the world looking to be adopted. And knowing you don't want kids, while maybe not socially accepted on the whole, is something I've embraced of friends. I have a friend that said she never wanted children. Fine. While I may not understand it fully, it's her right to have that choice. I've had a friend that thought that, and later changed her mind. And from my IF community I have friends that have been through the hell of the IF roller coaster and decided to get off and live Child free. And then here we sit...still in the middle of the fog of infertility hope - but finally seeing an end in sight. We either have success with treatments in the next two years or we won't and live child free. And while there are some benefits to this life, it will by no means be what I had wanted as a little girl. But selfish? No. Self sustaining. I would not be able to keep going with the emotional hell that IF puts you under for 8, 10, 12 years.
Oh, and thanks writer for ending the article with the one fear that haunts me. Who will take care of me when I'm old. There are nursing homes for that, that is not why I want to have kids. But nursing homes don't love you. I do not want to face the end of this world alone without love. And now you've sucked me down into another bad infertility day. Fuck You and your sanctimonious dribble.
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