A Little "Catch Up" on March

So a week ago I had five vials of blood drawn.  I went in thinking I was just getting the Natural Killer Cells test done but it turns out they said I needed my prolactin, thyroid, syphilis and a few others done - so OK, at least it was just one blood draw instead of having to come back for more...but five vials? Well, at least I didn't need to fast I guess.  I have to say, I'm happy I give good blood.  I hear of people being nightmare sticks - and I can say I'm 99% of the time and easy gal to get blood from and really don't mind it.

That said, I got the call on Wednesday that everything came back fine except I'm a "little on the low end" for vitamin D.  Umm HELLO - we've had the worst winter of my entire life.  I have hardly seen the sun in five months, I'm not surprised!  Mine came back at 29.  Normal range for average human is 20-50, but for IVF they like it above 30.  Yep, I'm off by one stinking point.  So OK, I'll pop another pill if that's what's needed.  For anyone keeping track, that makes nine pills a day BEFORE I evens start prepping/stimming for IVF#2.  My medicine cabinet is starting to really look like I should be an 80 year old named Merle.

My nurse also said that my RE is on vacation (dude, you just had a month off for shoulder surgery...now you take a week off??)  But anyway, she said the on-call doc for my office looked at my NK cells test and it was "Around normal" but she'd prefer Dr. Jacobs to look at it before giving me the all clear.  "Around" normal sounds damn similar to being 29 instead of 30 on vitamin D so I guess we'll see what J thinks.  Personally I'm in the "It can't hurt" camp for getting the infusion IV of intralipids, but it would of course like everything else mean more $$$$.  But if it keeps me from miscarrying if I get PG again, obviously Bring it on!  Merle likes her drugs.

So for now the plan is baseline and start BCP after next period - which should come in Mid April right after our Nashville trip.  I'll be on them a little longer than before since we need to time it out for stims to start the last week of May. It's coming up fast!  Be here before you know it.

As for Non TTC things.  St. Pat's Pub Crawl was a blast.  And this weekend I have a four day weekend for my self imposed Spring Break. Tonight is Girls Night.  Followed tomorrow by an overnight stay at Blue Chip Casino with the hubs.  As I mentioned in an earlier blog, with DH's annual bonus two weeks ago we paid off his car, all med bills, last of the credit cards etc. that we're now sitting pretty and next week I'll be making the call to see if we can qualify for house hunting or if we'll be signing a lease for our seventh year in our townhouse.  Has it really been that long?!?

Oh, and I started working on two video ideas for NIAW - one is a new version of my love letter to the 75 strong.  I decided to redo one instead of updating the old one as we're all in such different places now that we can't just fit into "Moms, Treatment, Other" categories - and I think I've come up with a really good story board for it, so I hope I can do my vision justice and show them my love (since I'm better at doing it this way than with words).  I'm also working on one that is "Our Journey".  I've always held off because I didn't want to make this until we were parents; but IDK I feel like this year it would be cathartic with the loss but I might change my mind and still hold off on it.  We'll see.

Totally Braggin'

So I don't just say this sort of thing to random stranger, but I want to say it!

We are credit card debt free!  For the first time since I was 20.  That's 16 years and over I don't want to admit how much money.  Last year we paid off three of my last four, and this week we paid off my last one (and the two smaller ones Jeff has had this past year to build up credit history).  AND we paid off his car (eight months early!).

Oh, and on the bragging front; Yesterday I did taxes (paid and filed), built a bookcase, dishes, laundry, got my nails done, grocery shopped, and made a delish new recipe for dinner.  I was on FIRE the past two days.

And now....I'm spent.  I had to work 8 hours today after two nights of bad sleep and two days of go, go, go!  So I'm exhausted.  But with a smile on my face.  Of all the "Year long goals" I set for us for 2014 in January we accomplished in just two months.  The last one of setting up an emergency fund is in the works.  Go us!

Why I feel justified to be an idiot

So the last six weeks or so, I've been an idiot with alcohol.  No, don't worry - I'm not being an alcoholic.  I'm only drinking one to two days a week.  And one of those nights a week is just two beers on Thursday nights after work at Jeff's bowling alley.

Why I *am* an idiot is why I'm doing it.  It's the loss.  I'll fully admit it.  I shouldn't be able to drink right now.  I should be a happy pregnant woman having not had a drink for five months now.  Instead I'm staring down starting IVF again in two months.  I should have a big old baby belly.  Instead I have those five lbs I keep gaining and losing every week - not able to motivate myself to make any really progress because I'm eating and drinking my feelings.

But let me just say - as the title of this blog entry says.  I feel justified.  It is probably one of the most common forms of coping in the loss world.  Is it smart? No.  Is it healthy? No.  Does it help?  I gotta say, on some level - hell yes.  I honestly think I have not been a mess these last two months because I have really been able to let loose, and just try and enjoy the moments.  Yes, I'm drinking to get to the point of giggling at mundane things.  But you know how therapeutic it is to simply forget for a while?  It's awesome.

So yes, I was an idiot yesterday and went on a six hour pub crawl when it was 40 degrees out *while* having a head cold.  A smart person would have said "I'm sick, I should stay home." But me?  I knew it was an experience to really let go.  And we had a blast.  I'm possibly sicker now because of it.  But oh well.  I feel totally justified.

Brooke's Walk of Hope & Arlene's passing

First off, I told a friend I would do this on Monday but it's been a hard week so first let me say I'm sorry it's taken me until today to do this.

My #75strong friend Brooke is the co-leader of this year's Walk of Hope put on by Resolve to help raise awareness for infertility and raise funds.  I know my blog following is small, but on the off chance anyone of you reading is near the AZ area here is information on this free event.  Learn more HERE!!  The walk is only a few weeks away on March 22nd.  I'm so proud of Brooke's involvement not only with this event, but her peer-lead resolve group meetings, going to DC for Advocacy Day, and so much more.



As for my hard week...
My friend Arlene passed away Sunday night/Monday morning after her four year battle with cancer.  We'd heard on Saturday that she wasn't expected to make it through the week, but it still hit like a ton of bricks.  Nothing can really prepare you for a beautiful 44 year old woman leaving this world too soon.

I met Arlene seven years ago as she was on Jeff's bowling team.  To someone meeting her for the first time she could be a bit intimidating (which is what some people say of me).  But this chick was a badass truck driver for goodness sake!  But without hesitation, she welcomed me into the group and confided in me that no one ever liked Jeff's previous long term relationship but they could tell almost instantly that I was truly his other half; the female version of Jeff.  I will be forever grateful that she made me her friend and not just "Jeff's girlfriend" from the start.  Because of this I got to know a wonderful, funny, strong, independent group of women that called themselves the Ya-Yas.  In their friendship I got an outside view of what the "blonde squad" (My group of close friends) must look like to others.  Sure they have their inside jokes and stories they love to retell - but more than anything you saw the love these friends had for each other.  And I was invited to go on their girls weekend fishing vacations (although could not afford it with our treatments).   Her smile was infectious.  Her jokes were hilarious.  Her love of the Cubs was...well something to be made fun of in only the way good friends that are cross town rivals can do.  I've gotten to know her kids, grandchild, and mother.  I don't know anyone else whom I'm not related to, that I can say I know four generations of their family.  And while I'm sad that we had not seen each other much the last two years since that bowling league disintegrated and as her battle with cancer got harder - I am thankful for ever laugh we shared together and that I got to know such an amazing person and call her my friend.  This past September, even frail as she was she insisted on having a backyard BBQ and everyone just sat around telling stories and laughing.  I can still see her there.  Sitting on a cooler, beer in her hand, Cubs shirt on, broad smile across her face.

Her wake is this afternoon and her funeral is tomorrow.  Her family has asked for the wake, that people wear their Cubs gear (formal attire for the funeral).  Jeff asked "What should we do?"  I laughed, because I know Arlene and her entire family will know and understand as Sox fans we do not own anything Cubs.  But to show our love, we have found shirts in true "Cubbie Blue" color.  While many tears will be shed, I know in true Arlene fashion - there will still be stories.  So many stories!  And laughs through the tears.

Me with a few of the Ya Yas.  (Me, Cher, Jackie, Dottie & Arlene)