I know there are many with the attitude of "Good Riddance" to the past year. And here on Dec 31st I have seen several FB posts to that effect and this is another way I know I have healed...because I said that myself a few years ago in a blog- but not this year. Yes a year ago today I was in the throes of pain from taking the miso to miscarry my son. And yet - if I look back at the year as a whole - really not that bad. As with any person in the world; there are highs and lows to life. And for me this year has had extremes of both.
Extreme Low? Jan 1st 2014 physically losing my son. Extreme High? Hard to say. Hearing after six months that we finally got OK'd to move forward buying the house was pretty damn awesome. But that trip to Nashville in April and watching the blackhawks from six rows off the ice was frickin' awesome as hell. Karaoking, drinking, laughing and crying with my local #75Strong girls in February meant so much to me. The fun day trips with Jeff - hell the day to day times he's made me laugh til I snort and cry were many - How does he seem to get funnier each and every year? Daydreaming of what to do with the house, starting to pack and revisit the past while digging through old things, new clothes for Christmas, and losing 14 lbs in the last five months - it's all good! Really the miscarriage and the end of our fertility journey (well and just how fricking long this short sale has taken) have been the only bad things about this year. So I'm focusing on all the good. All the fun had. All the love I felt from family, friends, and my husband as I made it through the toughest moment in my life. But that doesn't define me. Yes - it has changed a part of me. And years and years from now I'm sure most all I'll remember about this year is that loss but I want to remember that from that moment forward the year just went up - because honestly where else could it go? But what a great up it has been.
I feel healthier both mentally and physically then I have in six years. We're finally financially stable to get a house, have the highest credit score we've had our entire marriage and have paid off so much debt (my main goal this past year). Our love and marriage is stronger than it's ever been.
And 2015? Bring it on!
1. After losing those 14lbs I feel trying to lose another 20lbs this year is actually do-able! I know so many people put weight loss goals and I won't be too hard on myself - but it's just the belief from what I have accomplished already in five months - and that I made it through Nov & Dec without gaining any of it back (NEVER have I done that!) Well Hell - let's keep that shit going! Hell I only have 8lbs to go to be the lowest weight in over 15 years!
2. This year I walked my first 5k and I'd like to do another one this year and *gasp* maybe even try and jog for some of it! (Thanks Emmypants for being my inspiration for this one!)
3. I want to continue and further our financial responsibility - but with the house I know this year will be tough so my one and only financial goal is to get back our "safety net"...we've had 3k in savings since March. I know that most if not all will be used on the move, painting the first floor, cleaning the place and all that comes with a new home but I want to build that back up to end 2015 right where we are now - with that safety net.
4. DIY/House Projects/Wood Working - this is going to be vague but while looking around the internet for things I want (objects) or projects I'd like to do for the house I keep thinking "Maybe we could do that ourselves?" Case in point - I want to recover the dining room chairs from the flower pattern my mother put on there when I was like 8? They are antiques that I inherited when my grandmother passed away that were originally my great grandmothers. I want them to be plain yet - I'm thinking a cranberry color. I also like the idea of a narrow table along the wall near the front door but don't want to pay an arm and a leg - I think I may be able to build that (maybe with the help of my DIY master friend Lauren?!)
5. And finally - get a NEW JOB. Once the house sale is behind us - hello job search goodbye retail! But I know it may take a few months as the job market still is tough here in Illinois but hell - if I could increase my paycheck a little that will seriously help with our goals financially and toward the home projects.
WELCOME 2015!
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
A different kind of guilt
I've had IF guilt.
I've had loss guilt.
Now I have a whole different kind of guilt. The I'm doing good guilt trip.
I see so many of my IF and or loss friends having a hard time this time of year and it breaks my heart. I wish I had some kind of advice - but I know that since everyone handles loss, IF, depression, whatever different I don't know what to say aside from I am so sorry they are hurting and offer hugs. And then I self question - am I really doing ok? Yes, I really believe the first few months were the worst and the healing process for me has been progressively better as each month passes. I even believe that because we've moved beyond the "what if" phase has helped - being child free for me had the benefit of lifting the weight of "what if?" off my shoulder. And then I feel guilty. Do these loss women love their lost little ones more than me? Do these other women with four to six years of infertility under their belts too get the holiday blues from some gene I'm missing? Hell even my SIL who didn't face IF and has two children said she can't get in the holiday spirit.
And then here I come - humming Christmas tunes, in a genuinely cheerful mood, 90% done with shopping and wrapping gifts, fully decorated home, full of holiday spirit that I feel like Buddy in the movie ELF. And I can't help but wonder - did I bury the grief so deep in a secret hidden box that one of these days I'll just totally have a melt down? Or did I get so hurt by IF and loss that I became a robot? No - that's not true. Those stupid Folgers Coffee commercials with a grandma and grandchild looking at ornaments still makes me tear up and then think "Lucky fuckers". And yes, I'm dreading New Years Eve and Day because of it being the day I passed my son into this world. (P.S. I'm still planning on drinking a shit ton to get through it.) And I've already decided I will be finding someone to work for me that night/next day if I'm scheduled to work - hell I'll call in as mentally sick and tell them why if no one will take my shift - I don't give a rats ass. I will be drunk or hung over. But daily? Jeff makes me laugh. I love LOVE looking for that perfect gift for loved ones. I love penguins in santa hats on wrapping paper. I love flannel pajamas. I love looking at the lights on in neighborhoods. I love having snowflakes painted on my nails.
I've seen others saying Christmas is best through the eyes of children. And yes, I'm missing out on that. But not fully. I have five nephews. I've been with them all for many a Christmas morning. I wrote notes to Santa and left out cookies. I've tracked his sleigh on Norad for them. I get to see all the adorable pictures of my friends in little elf costumes and on santa's lap.
So to those of you who are having a hard time this holiday season - again I say I am so sorry you are hurting. And I offer you creepy internet hugs as loving and squishy as they come. But for people who think you need kids to enjoy Christmas - wrong! I can and AM enjoying the shit out of this Holiday. I still put on John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Album to decorate my tree and probably will until the day I die. I will always look for wrapping paper with penguins on it. I will play along with any kid who believes in santa and even insist to the ones that don't that we're leaving out cookies and milk. Because damn it I did that before the grandkids came along when I was in my teens and 20s - just cause some are teenagers now don't poop on my holiday spirit. I will watch Ralphie get his Red Rider BB Gun with a compus and a stock and this thing that tells time before going to sleep. While there is nothing wrong with not having the holiday spirit - and I don't try to tell people to "move on" or "get over it" or "cheer up" - please don't make me feel guilty for having it.
I've had loss guilt.
Now I have a whole different kind of guilt. The I'm doing good guilt trip.
I see so many of my IF and or loss friends having a hard time this time of year and it breaks my heart. I wish I had some kind of advice - but I know that since everyone handles loss, IF, depression, whatever different I don't know what to say aside from I am so sorry they are hurting and offer hugs. And then I self question - am I really doing ok? Yes, I really believe the first few months were the worst and the healing process for me has been progressively better as each month passes. I even believe that because we've moved beyond the "what if" phase has helped - being child free for me had the benefit of lifting the weight of "what if?" off my shoulder. And then I feel guilty. Do these loss women love their lost little ones more than me? Do these other women with four to six years of infertility under their belts too get the holiday blues from some gene I'm missing? Hell even my SIL who didn't face IF and has two children said she can't get in the holiday spirit.
And then here I come - humming Christmas tunes, in a genuinely cheerful mood, 90% done with shopping and wrapping gifts, fully decorated home, full of holiday spirit that I feel like Buddy in the movie ELF. And I can't help but wonder - did I bury the grief so deep in a secret hidden box that one of these days I'll just totally have a melt down? Or did I get so hurt by IF and loss that I became a robot? No - that's not true. Those stupid Folgers Coffee commercials with a grandma and grandchild looking at ornaments still makes me tear up and then think "Lucky fuckers". And yes, I'm dreading New Years Eve and Day because of it being the day I passed my son into this world. (P.S. I'm still planning on drinking a shit ton to get through it.) And I've already decided I will be finding someone to work for me that night/next day if I'm scheduled to work - hell I'll call in as mentally sick and tell them why if no one will take my shift - I don't give a rats ass. I will be drunk or hung over. But daily? Jeff makes me laugh. I love LOVE looking for that perfect gift for loved ones. I love penguins in santa hats on wrapping paper. I love flannel pajamas. I love looking at the lights on in neighborhoods. I love having snowflakes painted on my nails.
I've seen others saying Christmas is best through the eyes of children. And yes, I'm missing out on that. But not fully. I have five nephews. I've been with them all for many a Christmas morning. I wrote notes to Santa and left out cookies. I've tracked his sleigh on Norad for them. I get to see all the adorable pictures of my friends in little elf costumes and on santa's lap.
So to those of you who are having a hard time this holiday season - again I say I am so sorry you are hurting. And I offer you creepy internet hugs as loving and squishy as they come. But for people who think you need kids to enjoy Christmas - wrong! I can and AM enjoying the shit out of this Holiday. I still put on John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Album to decorate my tree and probably will until the day I die. I will always look for wrapping paper with penguins on it. I will play along with any kid who believes in santa and even insist to the ones that don't that we're leaving out cookies and milk. Because damn it I did that before the grandkids came along when I was in my teens and 20s - just cause some are teenagers now don't poop on my holiday spirit. I will watch Ralphie get his Red Rider BB Gun with a compus and a stock and this thing that tells time before going to sleep. While there is nothing wrong with not having the holiday spirit - and I don't try to tell people to "move on" or "get over it" or "cheer up" - please don't make me feel guilty for having it.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
saying goodbye to old friends
So over five years ago I went to my parents and rented a UHaul a few months after my grandmother had passed, in order to drive home my dining room table and hutch. It was originally my great grandmother Katy's (whom I was named after), then it was my mothers. When my grandmother passed - my mom took her set and I got the antique! But since we had a Uhaul, my parents also wanted me to take a few boxes of childhood items in the thought that eventually if I had a little girl I could share my beloved possessions. Well over five years later and here we are...I need to start packing for the move.
So I decided to start in the least used room in the town house - the guest bedroom. And in this closet held much of my childhood. In one box was a collection of books I read around ages 8-10. Harriet the Spy was my favorite. I decided to just take the whole dang box off to our local library so that hopefully so other little girls could enjoy the adventures within the pages. Then the stuffed animals. Well - some. We still can't find a box my parents must have with my absolute favorites. Anyway, I kept three that have special meaning. I took ten (after a good wash and dry to remove the dusty smell) off to Goodwill to bring smiles to other children. And I have six that some people might find collectible to put up on ebay to see if they get a bite (Muppet Babies and Opus). I also got a breast pump that my dad got me for free when he worked for Medela back in 2000 wrapped up to mail off to one of my fellow IFers who has become PG after five years and going the foster to adopt route. Yes, it was slightly sad that the reason I was purging this closet was because there will never be a little girl to call our own - but I also felt really good donating all these things because while they touched my life they will touch so many more now.
I've said before that one thing I find sad about being childless is that I won't have anyone to pass the stories, traditions, and history of me down to others. I think that's inherently human. But I can at least pass on the smiles. BUT since the internet is forever (so they say) I think I will start to every now and then blog about stories and memories as a therapeutic way to know they are out there.
And so a quick story about two of the things I got rid of today that are tied to one thing - the annual work Christmas Party my parents would go to when I was a kid. My dad worked for Alberto Culver (they make shampoo and hair spray and such - or at least did in the 80s...I honestly don't know if they're still in business) Each year, their party had a theme and center pieces around the theme. One year it was "Carousel" (Slightly Paris too). My Dad got one of the center pieces and made it into a lamp as part of my room design for my 10th birthday. Today I put this horse on the curb for trash pick up as I don't have the shade anymore, don't even know if it works, and it's got a stain so I don't even want to try to sell it. Goodbye Nelly - thanks for being the light of my room for five years as a tween.
Another year, the theme was the Jungle. And my dad brought back a giant Monkey "Coco" and Elephant "Mr. Snuffles". Mr. Snuffles still resides at my parents house and was enjoyed years ago by my nephew Jack. But today I said goodbye to Coco as she went off to donation. Please ignore the double chin and pony tail hair... at the last minute I decided to do a selfie and didn't take the time to frame the shot properly.
So I decided to start in the least used room in the town house - the guest bedroom. And in this closet held much of my childhood. In one box was a collection of books I read around ages 8-10. Harriet the Spy was my favorite. I decided to just take the whole dang box off to our local library so that hopefully so other little girls could enjoy the adventures within the pages. Then the stuffed animals. Well - some. We still can't find a box my parents must have with my absolute favorites. Anyway, I kept three that have special meaning. I took ten (after a good wash and dry to remove the dusty smell) off to Goodwill to bring smiles to other children. And I have six that some people might find collectible to put up on ebay to see if they get a bite (Muppet Babies and Opus). I also got a breast pump that my dad got me for free when he worked for Medela back in 2000 wrapped up to mail off to one of my fellow IFers who has become PG after five years and going the foster to adopt route. Yes, it was slightly sad that the reason I was purging this closet was because there will never be a little girl to call our own - but I also felt really good donating all these things because while they touched my life they will touch so many more now.
I've said before that one thing I find sad about being childless is that I won't have anyone to pass the stories, traditions, and history of me down to others. I think that's inherently human. But I can at least pass on the smiles. BUT since the internet is forever (so they say) I think I will start to every now and then blog about stories and memories as a therapeutic way to know they are out there.
And so a quick story about two of the things I got rid of today that are tied to one thing - the annual work Christmas Party my parents would go to when I was a kid. My dad worked for Alberto Culver (they make shampoo and hair spray and such - or at least did in the 80s...I honestly don't know if they're still in business) Each year, their party had a theme and center pieces around the theme. One year it was "Carousel" (Slightly Paris too). My Dad got one of the center pieces and made it into a lamp as part of my room design for my 10th birthday. Today I put this horse on the curb for trash pick up as I don't have the shade anymore, don't even know if it works, and it's got a stain so I don't even want to try to sell it. Goodbye Nelly - thanks for being the light of my room for five years as a tween.
Another year, the theme was the Jungle. And my dad brought back a giant Monkey "Coco" and Elephant "Mr. Snuffles". Mr. Snuffles still resides at my parents house and was enjoyed years ago by my nephew Jack. But today I said goodbye to Coco as she went off to donation. Please ignore the double chin and pony tail hair... at the last minute I decided to do a selfie and didn't take the time to frame the shot properly.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Floor Plan - way too much fun
So there is this website that is waaay too much fun that let's you (for free) design floor plans. You can do a room or the whole level. *But note you can't do one room at a time and then link them, or not that I could see. So I spent much of this evening doing the entire house.
House Update!
So it *only* took 173 days from the day we put an offer in on the house to hear the short sale is approved! LOL. I really never ever expected a "short sale" to take this long. I know they said it could take a while, but everyone expected four to five months for us to be fully moved in. It will be seven months probably from day of offer (May 31st) to the day we're hoping to close (Dec. 31st). Whew.
But now a different nerve wracking wait begins - the mortgage approval. Yes, we were pre-approved eight months ago. And it was after our hard work of getting our credit rate in better shape to be able to even qualify. And yes, we've continued to make smart choices in these past eight months to keep our credit looking good - and maybe even raise up. But there is still that fear and the reasoning is a little hard to explain - but let me try.
July 2013 we noticed Jeff's check was larger. Turns out his law school student loan was paid off; after 20 years...TWENTY YEARS people! I had him double triple check with his HR department because I joked when we got married that we'd be paying it off until we retire. HR checked and said "Yep, you've fulfilled what they said you owe." Woohoo! Then about three months ago Jeff got a letter from the Dept of Education saying he owed money on it. The letter looked suspicious so we thought perhaps it was a scam trying to steal his info (because it did ask for SSN and the like) but after a call to government nope - it's real. So we did the initial appeal, because how can he still owe money if the wage garnishment that we'd been paying for years said we paid it off? They claim it happens all the time; and quite frankly we still don't understand where the mix up is. But after a month or so, the appeal was denied. (When does the government actually work *fast*? When you don't want them to.) The next step would be to bring it to court for further appeal and what are the chances of winning that? And what would that cost be upfront compared to just paying off what they say we still owe over time? So we think we'll just swallow this shit. But because we were not paying for over a year does it show up in a credit report as delinquent? No one seems to be able to answer that question. And how unfair would that be?! That we would have kept paying if we were not told it was paid. Because no one seems to be able to answer that. We're hoping that the answer is no, because if it was yes - wouldn't they be able to tell us that? But instead we have to just sit and hope this doesn't screw us out of our home. It KILLS me that no one can answer that simple question of if it will show up suddenly on our credit report (as it hasn't yet).
But let's get back to the happy news of at least this wait will be short. Awaiting mortgage approval will not drag out like the short sale approval. But now let's address the other fear. The fear that comes from being IF turned Child Free living. You get so used to getting your hopes up for the last several years for them all the fall apart in terms of having a child that you think that will happen to other things in your life. This time last year I learned that I was pregnant. Only for five weeks later for my world to come crashing down. So I guess I'm waiting for that shoe to drop because I can't possibly get something in life I want, right? There is some bad karma from a past life fucking with me, right? But then I tell myself that's a dumb way to think - one doesn't have anything to do with the other. And hell, I hit the jackpot in finding an awesome husband and I never worry about that. So I'm trying to do some positive thinking. But once again, I am asking the universe for a little good juju. Please? I'm so ready to start this new chapter in our lives.
But now a different nerve wracking wait begins - the mortgage approval. Yes, we were pre-approved eight months ago. And it was after our hard work of getting our credit rate in better shape to be able to even qualify. And yes, we've continued to make smart choices in these past eight months to keep our credit looking good - and maybe even raise up. But there is still that fear and the reasoning is a little hard to explain - but let me try.
July 2013 we noticed Jeff's check was larger. Turns out his law school student loan was paid off; after 20 years...TWENTY YEARS people! I had him double triple check with his HR department because I joked when we got married that we'd be paying it off until we retire. HR checked and said "Yep, you've fulfilled what they said you owe." Woohoo! Then about three months ago Jeff got a letter from the Dept of Education saying he owed money on it. The letter looked suspicious so we thought perhaps it was a scam trying to steal his info (because it did ask for SSN and the like) but after a call to government nope - it's real. So we did the initial appeal, because how can he still owe money if the wage garnishment that we'd been paying for years said we paid it off? They claim it happens all the time; and quite frankly we still don't understand where the mix up is. But after a month or so, the appeal was denied. (When does the government actually work *fast*? When you don't want them to.) The next step would be to bring it to court for further appeal and what are the chances of winning that? And what would that cost be upfront compared to just paying off what they say we still owe over time? So we think we'll just swallow this shit. But because we were not paying for over a year does it show up in a credit report as delinquent? No one seems to be able to answer that question. And how unfair would that be?! That we would have kept paying if we were not told it was paid. Because no one seems to be able to answer that. We're hoping that the answer is no, because if it was yes - wouldn't they be able to tell us that? But instead we have to just sit and hope this doesn't screw us out of our home. It KILLS me that no one can answer that simple question of if it will show up suddenly on our credit report (as it hasn't yet).
But let's get back to the happy news of at least this wait will be short. Awaiting mortgage approval will not drag out like the short sale approval. But now let's address the other fear. The fear that comes from being IF turned Child Free living. You get so used to getting your hopes up for the last several years for them all the fall apart in terms of having a child that you think that will happen to other things in your life. This time last year I learned that I was pregnant. Only for five weeks later for my world to come crashing down. So I guess I'm waiting for that shoe to drop because I can't possibly get something in life I want, right? There is some bad karma from a past life fucking with me, right? But then I tell myself that's a dumb way to think - one doesn't have anything to do with the other. And hell, I hit the jackpot in finding an awesome husband and I never worry about that. So I'm trying to do some positive thinking. But once again, I am asking the universe for a little good juju. Please? I'm so ready to start this new chapter in our lives.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Halloween and fears ahead
I love halloween. Like looooove halloween. I like being able to dress up as someone else. I don't know why but that aspect is a big part of it. I guess since I liked playing dress up as a child it shouldn't be too surprising. But I also love to see all the cute pictures of kiddos. And cuties coming to our door. And candy! And it's during my favorite time of year - FALL. I'm addicted to the leaves changing and getting to wear sweaters and boots. But being married to someone who doesn't love halloween admittedly puts a damper on it. Do I get a little jealous that I don't have a little one to show off in their cute little outfit? Of course! But strangely what makes me more jealous now - is when I see a husband that likes halloween. I can't go all out on halloween because Jeff won't dress up, won't go out. Blah.
I decided I was dressing up. No I didn't go all out - I went as Axl Rose. Just need a red bandana and plaid flannel over Guns and Roses t shirt. That's what I liked about it, it was regular clothes and fairly simple so as not to be over the top to Jeff but still in the spirit of halloween. But it just made me realize how fun it was to dress up again. Double edged sword. First world problems right?
But damnit I enjoyed the holiday - I carved my pumpkin (which Jeff thinks is cute that I love the holiday that much that I do it), I roasted the seeds, I made a fall wreath, and damn it I dressed up! Because while Jeff and I are so similar in most ways, I decided I was embracing this difference. Now if only next year we had a party to go to and I could convince him to go all out.
But with the turn to November - we are facing something scarier than halloween...the milestones that will be coming up in the next two months. On Nov 15th last year I had my FET. And over Thanksgiving week (M, W, F) is when I had my betas to learn we were pregnant. And on Dec 27th we learned sometime earlier in the week, our son had passed (I morbidly believe it was Christmas Day because Christmas Eve night I had morning sickness and on Christmas it was like most all my pregnancy symptoms went away). And on New Years Eve I took the miso and at 5am New Years Day I passed our son into this world. All three frickin holidays. But it's been a year of mourning and healing - so I'm not dreading the holidays. I love them - and I don't want our loss to change that. I know I will have moments of sadness. I'm preparing myself for that. But I'm also doing everything I always love to do for the season. I've designed our Christmas card, I've started planning out gifts for everyone, and knowing what dish I'm cooking for Thanksgiving. While I'm not religious, I will be giving thanks this year that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness stronger. I know not all marriages survive infertility - and I'm very thankful for our love. So maybe FDR was right - the only thing to fear, is the fear itself. I can get over this fear - in part because I've gotten over worse.
But want to hear something I'm doing as a remembrance if you will of the year? For the first 35 years of my life, my mom would buy us our annual Christmas ornament. Last year as she retired, she and my dad decided that was one tradition that they'd have to give up to cut back on Christmas costs so I've taken up the tradition for Jeff and I. And because of this post and realization that my heart has grown larger this year from the love and support of my groups over the loss of our son - this years ornament for me is this Grinch. As soon as I saw it, I was like "That's the one!" It will forever remind me that even in the worst of times, my life was filled with love. Maybe strange... but child like and whimsical seems fitting to encompass the emotion. I want to hold on to the good. And look how cute! And it even has sound of part of the story that talks about his heart growing three sizes. And THAT my dear readers is part of what this holiday is about and what it will mean to me this year.
I decided I was dressing up. No I didn't go all out - I went as Axl Rose. Just need a red bandana and plaid flannel over Guns and Roses t shirt. That's what I liked about it, it was regular clothes and fairly simple so as not to be over the top to Jeff but still in the spirit of halloween. But it just made me realize how fun it was to dress up again. Double edged sword. First world problems right?
But damnit I enjoyed the holiday - I carved my pumpkin (which Jeff thinks is cute that I love the holiday that much that I do it), I roasted the seeds, I made a fall wreath, and damn it I dressed up! Because while Jeff and I are so similar in most ways, I decided I was embracing this difference. Now if only next year we had a party to go to and I could convince him to go all out.
 |
| the design vs my free hand carve |
But with the turn to November - we are facing something scarier than halloween...the milestones that will be coming up in the next two months. On Nov 15th last year I had my FET. And over Thanksgiving week (M, W, F) is when I had my betas to learn we were pregnant. And on Dec 27th we learned sometime earlier in the week, our son had passed (I morbidly believe it was Christmas Day because Christmas Eve night I had morning sickness and on Christmas it was like most all my pregnancy symptoms went away). And on New Years Eve I took the miso and at 5am New Years Day I passed our son into this world. All three frickin holidays. But it's been a year of mourning and healing - so I'm not dreading the holidays. I love them - and I don't want our loss to change that. I know I will have moments of sadness. I'm preparing myself for that. But I'm also doing everything I always love to do for the season. I've designed our Christmas card, I've started planning out gifts for everyone, and knowing what dish I'm cooking for Thanksgiving. While I'm not religious, I will be giving thanks this year that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness stronger. I know not all marriages survive infertility - and I'm very thankful for our love. So maybe FDR was right - the only thing to fear, is the fear itself. I can get over this fear - in part because I've gotten over worse.
But want to hear something I'm doing as a remembrance if you will of the year? For the first 35 years of my life, my mom would buy us our annual Christmas ornament. Last year as she retired, she and my dad decided that was one tradition that they'd have to give up to cut back on Christmas costs so I've taken up the tradition for Jeff and I. And because of this post and realization that my heart has grown larger this year from the love and support of my groups over the loss of our son - this years ornament for me is this Grinch. As soon as I saw it, I was like "That's the one!" It will forever remind me that even in the worst of times, my life was filled with love. Maybe strange... but child like and whimsical seems fitting to encompass the emotion. I want to hold on to the good. And look how cute! And it even has sound of part of the story that talks about his heart growing three sizes. And THAT my dear readers is part of what this holiday is about and what it will mean to me this year.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
My Kryptonite - doctors
So the past four months I've had to tell various people that we are done with trying for a child. You could say it's my own fault for being so open with people about our trying and IF. But that's who I am. I came from a mother who we call "tells you more than you want to know" (because she's the type in a grocery store line that will chat up the stranger behind her and the cashier). Case in point...when she was visiting me in August we went to Tar get (where I work) to get her buttermilk. I didn't see any so I had to ask two coworkers for help. She started telling them she needed it to keep from getting canker sores in her mouth. MOM! Stop it! But I digress - I'm sure this is one reason why I am so open.
So as I was saying, I'm fairly used to telling people about our fertility journey and now the end of it. In fact, I'd say I have a 'party line' when people ask. I say "After five years, six IUI cycles, two IVFs, one FET, two miscarriages, and over $30,000 - we're done." It's like it's my defense response because I feel if I lay out just how long, all we did and what we spent - then they'll think I didn't give up without a fight. Like I want to feel justified in ending. Now of course this often leads to a bit more conversation than this one sentence - but I've handled it great...
That is until I'm faced with a doctor. I don't know why they are my kryptonite; but they are. I start talking to them, giving them the party line - and tears start streaming down my face. Which tends to lead to move conversation on it, and more tears. And it's like a snowball - if they stopped talking, I could wipe the few tears and go back to being fine but the more they probe the more the tears flow.
But I love my GP. We were doing my annual physical and then she asked and I told her. And we talked. And finally she ended the conversation with what I believe to be true - Well, you're not depressed - you're in mourning. BOOM. She got me. Talk about an A-HA moment. I had earlier been talking about work and house hunting, and just - life. And I am fine and happy with life. I am not depressed. But I am still in mourning. It'd be like if you talked to a person about their grandma dying - it's sad, but you had seen it coming for a while. Doesn't mean you don't feel joy in much of your life, just if you bring up that topic I'm still mourning.
In one of my groups, COA there was an update thread. And I was sort of bragging on how well we're doing with moving on child free. I can't help it. I really feared I would be a mess. I considered starting therapy - as there is nothing wrong with asking for help when needed. And I'm not saying I'm stronger than others for not needing it. And every now and then I still think maybe I should have. But I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm really fine without it. Just every now and then, I'm in mourning.
So as I was saying, I'm fairly used to telling people about our fertility journey and now the end of it. In fact, I'd say I have a 'party line' when people ask. I say "After five years, six IUI cycles, two IVFs, one FET, two miscarriages, and over $30,000 - we're done." It's like it's my defense response because I feel if I lay out just how long, all we did and what we spent - then they'll think I didn't give up without a fight. Like I want to feel justified in ending. Now of course this often leads to a bit more conversation than this one sentence - but I've handled it great...
That is until I'm faced with a doctor. I don't know why they are my kryptonite; but they are. I start talking to them, giving them the party line - and tears start streaming down my face. Which tends to lead to move conversation on it, and more tears. And it's like a snowball - if they stopped talking, I could wipe the few tears and go back to being fine but the more they probe the more the tears flow.
But I love my GP. We were doing my annual physical and then she asked and I told her. And we talked. And finally she ended the conversation with what I believe to be true - Well, you're not depressed - you're in mourning. BOOM. She got me. Talk about an A-HA moment. I had earlier been talking about work and house hunting, and just - life. And I am fine and happy with life. I am not depressed. But I am still in mourning. It'd be like if you talked to a person about their grandma dying - it's sad, but you had seen it coming for a while. Doesn't mean you don't feel joy in much of your life, just if you bring up that topic I'm still mourning.
In one of my groups, COA there was an update thread. And I was sort of bragging on how well we're doing with moving on child free. I can't help it. I really feared I would be a mess. I considered starting therapy - as there is nothing wrong with asking for help when needed. And I'm not saying I'm stronger than others for not needing it. And every now and then I still think maybe I should have. But I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm really fine without it. Just every now and then, I'm in mourning.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Oct 15th Wave of Light in remembrance of Loss children
So I'm sure those following my blog have enough friend's that are "One in four" that you probably know today is Infant and Miscarriage Loss remembrance day. And there is a movement called the wave of light - where in people light a candle and place in their windows at 7pm (any time zone) so that say it starts in New York then sweeps west each hour. I was working last year on the 15th, the first year post first loss and could not participate. And the next day was the due date for that child - so I felt more of a connection to my loss the following day. That's when I went out and photographed the world the first time in remembrance of my first loss. That day I posted, and "outed" myself for our loss, sharing the pictures. It was very cathartic having it out there. And yes, I got many comments of love and support, as well as two other FB friends (people I knew earlier in life but don't keep up now...you know those FB friends) well they opened up about their recent loss. So I felt good, not only getting the weight of our loss being a semi-secret - off my chest, but also the thought that I might have helped these others feel less alone and that it was ok to talk about it.
Then this August for our second loss's EDD, I posted the pictures...but didn't mention the "why". Anyone looking would just assume I just took nature shots I wanted to share (unless they scrolled through all of them, got to the last photo that had my necklace in the foreshot "Forever in our hearts" with baby feet. They'd have to still put two and two together.
With that being only two months ago - and fresh. And a harder loss on me...I don't know, it's like that one because it's that much harder, I don't want to come out about it fully. Like, I like that many random FB friend's from HS or college can be oblivious about it.
I will participate in the wave of light. And I might share that pic on instagram (I have much fewer randoms there). But I don't think I'll post anything personal on FB because while the love and support is well meaning - it's hard to explain - but feels like pity sometimes. I know this is totally irrational. But it's one of those things, those stupid irrational feelings - of a child free person. I feel often like it comes across as being an attention whore of "look at me, I've had such horrible things happen. IF and Loss and now I have to continue on child free" - and that's not what I want. I'm not trying to play the victim. I don't want the sympathy. For me it's more a statement of fact (and internal sadness). The awareness without the pity. But since I can't convey that I don't want to feel the victim- and my friend's don't know they're making me feel pity (Because while my feelings may be irrational, I know they're not true...I know that's not the emotions my friends are trying to convey when they say they're sorry or post a heart) instead I'll just abstain from FB. I think. Of course, I go back and forth on this. Part of me is like - hey, a way to get over an irrational fear is facing it. Allow the love and support reminding myself it's not pity. IDK, It's just hard to explain.
Maybe I'll just be one of those annoying cryptic people. I could post the picture of the candle lit at 7pm - without word or explanation because then those who know and understand will get it. And it keeps me from opening myself up to those that personally have not been touched by loss. A show of solidarity of fellow loss momma's. Because that's really what I'm looking for today...a small gesture to show that yes, I'll never forget my losses or theirs (I know waaaay too many). But more importantly - all the women who have experienced loss - to just show I stand with them in their grief. Who knows. I'll have to think more on this and how I feel - because above all...I'm trying to protect my heart. All reading - do whatever is best for your heart today...and know there might be friends of yours unsure how to make it through today as well.
Then this August for our second loss's EDD, I posted the pictures...but didn't mention the "why". Anyone looking would just assume I just took nature shots I wanted to share (unless they scrolled through all of them, got to the last photo that had my necklace in the foreshot "Forever in our hearts" with baby feet. They'd have to still put two and two together.
With that being only two months ago - and fresh. And a harder loss on me...I don't know, it's like that one because it's that much harder, I don't want to come out about it fully. Like, I like that many random FB friend's from HS or college can be oblivious about it.
I will participate in the wave of light. And I might share that pic on instagram (I have much fewer randoms there). But I don't think I'll post anything personal on FB because while the love and support is well meaning - it's hard to explain - but feels like pity sometimes. I know this is totally irrational. But it's one of those things, those stupid irrational feelings - of a child free person. I feel often like it comes across as being an attention whore of "look at me, I've had such horrible things happen. IF and Loss and now I have to continue on child free" - and that's not what I want. I'm not trying to play the victim. I don't want the sympathy. For me it's more a statement of fact (and internal sadness). The awareness without the pity. But since I can't convey that I don't want to feel the victim- and my friend's don't know they're making me feel pity (Because while my feelings may be irrational, I know they're not true...I know that's not the emotions my friends are trying to convey when they say they're sorry or post a heart) instead I'll just abstain from FB. I think. Of course, I go back and forth on this. Part of me is like - hey, a way to get over an irrational fear is facing it. Allow the love and support reminding myself it's not pity. IDK, It's just hard to explain.
Maybe I'll just be one of those annoying cryptic people. I could post the picture of the candle lit at 7pm - without word or explanation because then those who know and understand will get it. And it keeps me from opening myself up to those that personally have not been touched by loss. A show of solidarity of fellow loss momma's. Because that's really what I'm looking for today...a small gesture to show that yes, I'll never forget my losses or theirs (I know waaaay too many). But more importantly - all the women who have experienced loss - to just show I stand with them in their grief. Who knows. I'll have to think more on this and how I feel - because above all...I'm trying to protect my heart. All reading - do whatever is best for your heart today...and know there might be friends of yours unsure how to make it through today as well.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
White Trash / Christmas Crunch - AKA Jeff's Crack
Monday is Jeff's birthday and for every year since we've been married I have made him his favorite treat. The woman who gave me the recipe said it's referred to by some as "Christmas Crunch" and others call it "White Trash" (I like this one) but here we just refer to it as Jeff's Crack.
I have the recipe saved on an old email (hotmail) that I stopped using four years ago after it was hacked and I thought instead of every year having to go find it in that email where spam goes to die (because now that's the address I give for companies when I don't want their email) I would just share it here with you all. I can always remember what goes in it, just never remember how much of what. Our friend's wife used to bring it every year to the fest. So our first year living together I asked Jeff if he wanted a cake, pie, or brownies on his birthday he said "none of it" and I surprised him with this and he told me I had committed myself to a tradition. Thank goodness it's easy! It's super simple but oh-so-good.
Recipe: 3 Cups Rice Chex, 3 Cups Corn Chex, 2 Cups Cheerios, 2 cups small pretzel twists, 2x 12oz bags of white chocolate chips, one 16 oz bag of milk chocolate M&Ms. **You'll also need wax paper**.
I have a hug bowl that I use for halloween candy. It's the perfect size. First mix the Chex, Cheerios, and Pretzels. (I'll admit after the first year since I used both kinds of Chex - it took us forever to finish the two boxes...so now I cheat and just use rice chex).
Next - Melt the white chocolate one bag at a time in a glass bowl.
I know many bakers are all about the double boiler but I confess I'm lazy...I use the microwave. A friend said she burned chocolate doing it this way so let me tell you how I do it. Glass bowl...70% power 1min 15 sec - stir and repeat once. It makes a 12oz bag gooey goodness very frickin quick.
I stir in the melted white chocolate and half the bag of M&M's while the second bag of white chocolate is melting. Yes, to make it not so high in calories you can only use one bag of White Chocolate and 12oz of M&Ms but we agree with who gave us the recipe - just not as good.
Once you've stirred in the two bags of melted white chocolate and the entire bag of M&Ms just lay it out on wax or parchment paper to harden. Be sure you have a table or four feet of counter top space as this takes up room unless you want large chunks.
Admittedly, it makes a lot. We usually fill a gallon bag and throw it in the freezer. Makes a good party snack. And the great thing about M&Ms is they make many color varieties for holidays so during Christmas you can buy the red and green. I seriously thought of buying the pumpkin spice M&Ms that are all orange and brown to see how it tastes but decided I didn't want to mess with tradition on his birthday. One year I did make him another batch at Valentine's day with the red and pink and it looked cute.
Warning, this is only half of it, so you can see what I mean by needing counter space. Good news is took me only 10 minutes to make. And clean up is super easy as you just have the two bowls with white chocolate...just start very hot water running and boom - clean in a minute.
I have the recipe saved on an old email (hotmail) that I stopped using four years ago after it was hacked and I thought instead of every year having to go find it in that email where spam goes to die (because now that's the address I give for companies when I don't want their email) I would just share it here with you all. I can always remember what goes in it, just never remember how much of what. Our friend's wife used to bring it every year to the fest. So our first year living together I asked Jeff if he wanted a cake, pie, or brownies on his birthday he said "none of it" and I surprised him with this and he told me I had committed myself to a tradition. Thank goodness it's easy! It's super simple but oh-so-good.
Recipe: 3 Cups Rice Chex, 3 Cups Corn Chex, 2 Cups Cheerios, 2 cups small pretzel twists, 2x 12oz bags of white chocolate chips, one 16 oz bag of milk chocolate M&Ms. **You'll also need wax paper**.
Next - Melt the white chocolate one bag at a time in a glass bowl.
I know many bakers are all about the double boiler but I confess I'm lazy...I use the microwave. A friend said she burned chocolate doing it this way so let me tell you how I do it. Glass bowl...70% power 1min 15 sec - stir and repeat once. It makes a 12oz bag gooey goodness very frickin quick.
I stir in the melted white chocolate and half the bag of M&M's while the second bag of white chocolate is melting. Yes, to make it not so high in calories you can only use one bag of White Chocolate and 12oz of M&Ms but we agree with who gave us the recipe - just not as good.
Once you've stirred in the two bags of melted white chocolate and the entire bag of M&Ms just lay it out on wax or parchment paper to harden. Be sure you have a table or four feet of counter top space as this takes up room unless you want large chunks. Admittedly, it makes a lot. We usually fill a gallon bag and throw it in the freezer. Makes a good party snack. And the great thing about M&Ms is they make many color varieties for holidays so during Christmas you can buy the red and green. I seriously thought of buying the pumpkin spice M&Ms that are all orange and brown to see how it tastes but decided I didn't want to mess with tradition on his birthday. One year I did make him another batch at Valentine's day with the red and pink and it looked cute.
Warning, this is only half of it, so you can see what I mean by needing counter space. Good news is took me only 10 minutes to make. And clean up is super easy as you just have the two bowls with white chocolate...just start very hot water running and boom - clean in a minute.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Three Months In...
So I can a theory about new jobs...it takes three months. Every single job I've had - I've been unhappy with it the first three months. Because you feel like you don't know what you're doing, or have to get going from zero (if it's the same position you've had before just at a new place). After about three months, you finally feel you've gotten your footing. There have been a few times where I thought "OMG, I've made a mistake!" but remind myself to give it at least three months (Only one job did I not do this) and I've always been pleased to come out of the three months feeling good.
Well, I'm just over three months in to living child free. In some ways it feels much longer...I'm sure in part to spending a year mentally preparing for the mere idea. But I have several friends about to start cycling (most all for their second little one) and it's like "I can't believe I was doing all that just four months ago!" I've gained a distance, that's hard to explain. I took several 8 month breaks between cycles - but there was always this goal ahead. A plan in place on how to afford it, things to do in the mean time, etc. But now - without the "Looking-Toward-the-NEXT-STEP" mentality; time is...IDK how to put it. But it's stretched, and made this time slower. Longer.
And yet in some ways I feel like I have not gotten to that golden footing feeling I get after three months on a new job. I am more confident in seeing babies - yet I still have that daydream in the back of my head that I'll be that "miracle" person that miraculously gets pregnant after years of treatment. How long will it take to finally give up that ghost? I'm practical...I know it will take longer than three months...but will I still have that dream in a year? Two? Will turning 40 in three years finally get it through my head? Or will I always have a thought of a parallel universe where I did get to have children? Sort of like I sometimes daydream about what life would be like if I had won the lottery? SIGH.
In many ways, giving up the full on activity of TTC with IF is so freeing...and I want others to know it's really a weight lifted off your shoulders. I'm no longer letting people down, because now there is no expectation and hope. But then there are these days when I'm just held down by my own desire, like I can't fully move forward until I leave that dream 100% behind. It's nice to no longer carry the burden of other's dreams, because that is what treatment often felt like - as if my stress and desire wasn't heavy enough, I was also carrying the weight of my entire friends and family. I guess you could say my desire was just a chip on my shoulder, everyone else's was like a 400 lb. gorilla I had on my back too. I'm thankful to be back to just that chip.
Screw it, I'm just rambling now. Just wanted to get some of that out I guess.
Well, I'm just over three months in to living child free. In some ways it feels much longer...I'm sure in part to spending a year mentally preparing for the mere idea. But I have several friends about to start cycling (most all for their second little one) and it's like "I can't believe I was doing all that just four months ago!" I've gained a distance, that's hard to explain. I took several 8 month breaks between cycles - but there was always this goal ahead. A plan in place on how to afford it, things to do in the mean time, etc. But now - without the "Looking-Toward-the-NEXT-STEP" mentality; time is...IDK how to put it. But it's stretched, and made this time slower. Longer.
And yet in some ways I feel like I have not gotten to that golden footing feeling I get after three months on a new job. I am more confident in seeing babies - yet I still have that daydream in the back of my head that I'll be that "miracle" person that miraculously gets pregnant after years of treatment. How long will it take to finally give up that ghost? I'm practical...I know it will take longer than three months...but will I still have that dream in a year? Two? Will turning 40 in three years finally get it through my head? Or will I always have a thought of a parallel universe where I did get to have children? Sort of like I sometimes daydream about what life would be like if I had won the lottery? SIGH.
In many ways, giving up the full on activity of TTC with IF is so freeing...and I want others to know it's really a weight lifted off your shoulders. I'm no longer letting people down, because now there is no expectation and hope. But then there are these days when I'm just held down by my own desire, like I can't fully move forward until I leave that dream 100% behind. It's nice to no longer carry the burden of other's dreams, because that is what treatment often felt like - as if my stress and desire wasn't heavy enough, I was also carrying the weight of my entire friends and family. I guess you could say my desire was just a chip on my shoulder, everyone else's was like a 400 lb. gorilla I had on my back too. I'm thankful to be back to just that chip.
Screw it, I'm just rambling now. Just wanted to get some of that out I guess.
Friday, October 3, 2014
It's just NOT FAIR!
That's what it comes down to...and I feel like a six year old pouting that she didn't get her way but in this case it really really really is true. Ending your infertility journey without a child just.isn't.fair.
I have been reading. A LOT. The last month, I've read three books. End of Eternity by Ken Follet - of which there is one character (Out of like 25 so I'm not giving anything away) who mourns the fact that come mid life, she'd never met a man to settle down and have kids. And after three books in the trilogy following five families through three generations the bigger sadness I drew from the book was stories that pass down, triats etc. I'll never have a "next generation" of us. Sigh.
Book two - Gone Girl...again, trying to not give anything away but pregnancy comes up a few times in the book. And needless to say, I hated the ending (As did many people, I'm not alone here)...wonder if the movie will change the ending?
Third book - Dan Brown's Inferno. Now here I cannot talk without giving away the book...so jump to the next paragraph if you want to read the book. The whole book is about over population of the world. And how we're destined to live in a modern version of Dante's hell if something isn't done. And in the last 30 pages, we learn that the "plague" released onto the world is actually a genetic mutation that makes one in three people infertile. STAB. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
I read books for escapism damn it. Yet I swear to God, three books in a row that just somehow, someway remind me I will never ever get pregnant (again), never be a mom, have another generation after mine, etc. And all I can do is pout and think it just is not fair damn it. Oh, and try and find a book that I can just for fucks sake enjoy without the reminder.
I have been reading. A LOT. The last month, I've read three books. End of Eternity by Ken Follet - of which there is one character (Out of like 25 so I'm not giving anything away) who mourns the fact that come mid life, she'd never met a man to settle down and have kids. And after three books in the trilogy following five families through three generations the bigger sadness I drew from the book was stories that pass down, triats etc. I'll never have a "next generation" of us. Sigh.
Book two - Gone Girl...again, trying to not give anything away but pregnancy comes up a few times in the book. And needless to say, I hated the ending (As did many people, I'm not alone here)...wonder if the movie will change the ending?
Third book - Dan Brown's Inferno. Now here I cannot talk without giving away the book...so jump to the next paragraph if you want to read the book. The whole book is about over population of the world. And how we're destined to live in a modern version of Dante's hell if something isn't done. And in the last 30 pages, we learn that the "plague" released onto the world is actually a genetic mutation that makes one in three people infertile. STAB. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
I read books for escapism damn it. Yet I swear to God, three books in a row that just somehow, someway remind me I will never ever get pregnant (again), never be a mom, have another generation after mine, etc. And all I can do is pout and think it just is not fair damn it. Oh, and try and find a book that I can just for fucks sake enjoy without the reminder.
Friday, September 26, 2014
The definition of a lazy American
I have a confession. I am a total nut about getting shit done when it comes to cleaning or every day tasks/errands. I remember my friend Barb (before she had kids - because now I'm sure it's even harder for her) telling me "How can you get that all done?" once when I listed off all I had accomplished in like a two day stretch.
BUT, when it comes to being healthy...I am so totally the definition of a lazy American. I can find time to get the house clean, pay bills, run errands, get birthday presents, etc yet I can never "find the time" to work out. BULLSHIT! In the last 10 days, I read two books = 1600 pages and watched HOURS of TV a day. Clearly I have down time. So what is it? Pure laziness and lack of interest. The only workout I've even enjoyed in my life- I mean truly *wanted* to do it is swimming. And here- the only places with lap pools are the one's that cost over $100 a month. So instead I'm stuck with a stairmaster that's down stairs collecting dust. Or I could get my bike fixed and hit the road. Or I could do aerobic videos I find online. Yet I don't. Because they don't interest me. BOOM - LAZY!
Here is where I come across gross. I have a weird love affair with fast food. Like I hear about people talking down about McDonald's as adults, that it's more a teen age, kid, or slob's food. And I tilt my head like a dog that doesn't understand what you're saying. When I'm stressed - bring me a quarter pounder! It's like I made the decision years ago I didn't need a blankie - I needed those golden fries. But it's not just comfort food when sad or stressed...it can be a reward when something good has happened. Or just a "I'm super lazy and don't feel like cooking." And hell I've heard that stat that one in 8 American's every day eat McDonald's breakfast so while I seem to hear people down talking it, there have to be many like me right?!
But what I'm saying is my weight is obviously my fault when you mix lack of interest in working out paired with a love affair with Wendy's, McDonald's, etc. Yet I don't consider my weight *too bad*..thus no motivation to change.
And now it's even worse. Last year I was in a weight loss challenge for 12 weeks. I used My Fitness Pal to track calories, I worked out 2-3 times a week on the stairmaster, and I limited fast food to once a week (sad that it's a "limit" when most people would find this average.) And I lost 12lbs in 12 weeks. Great.
Now this year I'm doing a 10 week challenge. And all I'm doing is tracking calories on MFP. No working out (other than the 15,000-20,000 steps I get in 3 days a week at work anyway). No limiting my fast food. And in fact I'd say I've been eating MORE of it these past three weeks because I've been sick so I don't feel like cooking. And the worst part?!? I'm still losing weight simply by staying under 1650 calories. That's with many meals from McDonald's being over half of my day's calories, loaded with fat. And I'm losing half a pound to a pound a week, while stuffing my face with fries - oh so delishious fries. So that TOO is not motivating me to stop! It's a sickness.
Can you imagine how much I'd be able to lose with just the tiniest bit of effort? Ugh. There is no point to this post other than trying to shame myself into doing better by this confession. I know that motivation comes from within - that's why I couldn't understand why my friend was amazed at all I could get done. I can't *NOT* make the bed every morning and do projects to make my friend smile and plan an amazing dinner for my husband and go to make donations to Goodwill and.and.and.and.and. It's in my core being. I'm in awe of you runners...it's in your core being. Good for you. But me? Its just not me.
BUT, when it comes to being healthy...I am so totally the definition of a lazy American. I can find time to get the house clean, pay bills, run errands, get birthday presents, etc yet I can never "find the time" to work out. BULLSHIT! In the last 10 days, I read two books = 1600 pages and watched HOURS of TV a day. Clearly I have down time. So what is it? Pure laziness and lack of interest. The only workout I've even enjoyed in my life- I mean truly *wanted* to do it is swimming. And here- the only places with lap pools are the one's that cost over $100 a month. So instead I'm stuck with a stairmaster that's down stairs collecting dust. Or I could get my bike fixed and hit the road. Or I could do aerobic videos I find online. Yet I don't. Because they don't interest me. BOOM - LAZY!
Here is where I come across gross. I have a weird love affair with fast food. Like I hear about people talking down about McDonald's as adults, that it's more a teen age, kid, or slob's food. And I tilt my head like a dog that doesn't understand what you're saying. When I'm stressed - bring me a quarter pounder! It's like I made the decision years ago I didn't need a blankie - I needed those golden fries. But it's not just comfort food when sad or stressed...it can be a reward when something good has happened. Or just a "I'm super lazy and don't feel like cooking." And hell I've heard that stat that one in 8 American's every day eat McDonald's breakfast so while I seem to hear people down talking it, there have to be many like me right?!
But what I'm saying is my weight is obviously my fault when you mix lack of interest in working out paired with a love affair with Wendy's, McDonald's, etc. Yet I don't consider my weight *too bad*..thus no motivation to change.
And now it's even worse. Last year I was in a weight loss challenge for 12 weeks. I used My Fitness Pal to track calories, I worked out 2-3 times a week on the stairmaster, and I limited fast food to once a week (sad that it's a "limit" when most people would find this average.) And I lost 12lbs in 12 weeks. Great.
Now this year I'm doing a 10 week challenge. And all I'm doing is tracking calories on MFP. No working out (other than the 15,000-20,000 steps I get in 3 days a week at work anyway). No limiting my fast food. And in fact I'd say I've been eating MORE of it these past three weeks because I've been sick so I don't feel like cooking. And the worst part?!? I'm still losing weight simply by staying under 1650 calories. That's with many meals from McDonald's being over half of my day's calories, loaded with fat. And I'm losing half a pound to a pound a week, while stuffing my face with fries - oh so delishious fries. So that TOO is not motivating me to stop! It's a sickness.
Can you imagine how much I'd be able to lose with just the tiniest bit of effort? Ugh. There is no point to this post other than trying to shame myself into doing better by this confession. I know that motivation comes from within - that's why I couldn't understand why my friend was amazed at all I could get done. I can't *NOT* make the bed every morning and do projects to make my friend smile and plan an amazing dinner for my husband and go to make donations to Goodwill and.and.and.and.and. It's in my core being. I'm in awe of you runners...it's in your core being. Good for you. But me? Its just not me.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Sept 11 2011
13 years ago.
In so many ways it seems like it was only a few years ago. And in others, it seems much longer ago because of all in my life that has happened since.
Everyone remembers where they were - and I'm no different.
I was 23 and was four months into my first career job after college at KGAN TV, the CBS station in Cedar Rapids Iowa. (I sold television advertising for 7 years before moving back to my home town to marry Jeff.) Every Tuesday morning we had an 8am sales meeting. I would leave my apartment about 7:40 since I lived less than five minutes from work. Check my email real quick before going into the conference room. My boss and career mentor Matt was as usual joking around at the start of the meeting when Kathy walked in late. She said "A plane hit the World Trade Tower. Isn't that so bogus?" (Because it had literally *just* happened there was no information aside from "a plane" so like many we pictured maybe a small cessna or something. We made fun of her for using the word bogus - what is this 1985?
I don't remember why the meeting was so short, but I remember we walked out and into the GM's office. For those who have never worked in TV - every office has several TVs so that each one can be tuned to a different channel. Our GM - Les had 3x 50 inch screens tuned to ABC, NBC, and CBS. And I was standing right in front of them as the second plane hit.
That moment. Right then. That's when you knew "This was not a mistake. This was not a small plane. Oh my God, we're being attacked." We watched for maybe 20 minutes just standing there. The GM then got a call and we were asked to all go call our appointments for the day to tell them we would not be coming to try and sell them advertising and it would be rescheduled. It turns out the call the GM got was that all affiliates were asked to go on Lock Down, as there were rumors that terrorists would want to take control of our airwaves to air their message. (Looking back this seems ridiculous that middle of nowhere Iowa would be part of a target). But then the Pentagon was hit. And the plane in Shanksville crashed. And there was the rumor of a helicopter crash at the white house. It seemed like the sky was falling. Anything horrible seemed possible.
I also don't remember calling my mom - but I must have, or she called me. I was told we were not sure if my uncle was in the towers or not. And then the towers came crashing down. I remember going outside and chain smoking about three cigarettes while sitting on the ground thinking he was dead. My dad was on a business trip, supposed to be flying out of Florida - but as you know all flights were grounded. We were allowed to leave for lunch and I went back to my apartment and just watched more TV and cried. Having to go back to work - why I don't know we didn't do anything other than continue to watch TV - but I seemed comforted to be around people. Because I remember that night I never felt so alone. 23 alone in my apartment, with no friends in this new town, hours from my family, just watching the horror unfold.
I know I learned at some point in the day that my uncle's office has recently been moved to Tribeca and that he was alive. Days later I heard how he had to walk out of Manhattan on foot, covered in ash, helping a older woman he didn't know to get home once they crossed a bridge and he was able to get a car to pick them up. And as planes were grounded for days - my dad ended up having to take a cab from Miami to some other town in order to rent a car the next day or two and drive home from Florida to Chicago.
I really don't remember much of those two or three days after - I know we didn't really work at all, as there was no commercials airing as it was wall to wall coverage. I only remember watching NBC news non stop at home and crying myself to sleep each night.
The next memory I have clear as day was that Friday. It was our GM's birthday - and Matt had the idea that we needed to forget the horrors going on around us. And suggested the entire sales staff go to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate Les's birthday. It was empty. (And if you've been in one, there are no windows out to the world. It was this cocoon of safety to block out reality.) We were the only people there. And Chuck E Cheese sells beer (along with tons of childrens games). So for that entire afternoon, we drank beer, played wack-a-mole and skeet ball, and laughed trying to pretend the world was still innocent. New to the idea of being an adult - it was exactly what I needed. Escape reality- if only for an afternoon- and be a kid again.
That day changed the world. That day changed me. In many ways, it's the day that stole my innocence. In so many ways - that was the year I really became an adult. And that day was the day I realized it.
In so many ways it seems like it was only a few years ago. And in others, it seems much longer ago because of all in my life that has happened since.
Everyone remembers where they were - and I'm no different.
I was 23 and was four months into my first career job after college at KGAN TV, the CBS station in Cedar Rapids Iowa. (I sold television advertising for 7 years before moving back to my home town to marry Jeff.) Every Tuesday morning we had an 8am sales meeting. I would leave my apartment about 7:40 since I lived less than five minutes from work. Check my email real quick before going into the conference room. My boss and career mentor Matt was as usual joking around at the start of the meeting when Kathy walked in late. She said "A plane hit the World Trade Tower. Isn't that so bogus?" (Because it had literally *just* happened there was no information aside from "a plane" so like many we pictured maybe a small cessna or something. We made fun of her for using the word bogus - what is this 1985?
I don't remember why the meeting was so short, but I remember we walked out and into the GM's office. For those who have never worked in TV - every office has several TVs so that each one can be tuned to a different channel. Our GM - Les had 3x 50 inch screens tuned to ABC, NBC, and CBS. And I was standing right in front of them as the second plane hit.
That moment. Right then. That's when you knew "This was not a mistake. This was not a small plane. Oh my God, we're being attacked." We watched for maybe 20 minutes just standing there. The GM then got a call and we were asked to all go call our appointments for the day to tell them we would not be coming to try and sell them advertising and it would be rescheduled. It turns out the call the GM got was that all affiliates were asked to go on Lock Down, as there were rumors that terrorists would want to take control of our airwaves to air their message. (Looking back this seems ridiculous that middle of nowhere Iowa would be part of a target). But then the Pentagon was hit. And the plane in Shanksville crashed. And there was the rumor of a helicopter crash at the white house. It seemed like the sky was falling. Anything horrible seemed possible.
I also don't remember calling my mom - but I must have, or she called me. I was told we were not sure if my uncle was in the towers or not. And then the towers came crashing down. I remember going outside and chain smoking about three cigarettes while sitting on the ground thinking he was dead. My dad was on a business trip, supposed to be flying out of Florida - but as you know all flights were grounded. We were allowed to leave for lunch and I went back to my apartment and just watched more TV and cried. Having to go back to work - why I don't know we didn't do anything other than continue to watch TV - but I seemed comforted to be around people. Because I remember that night I never felt so alone. 23 alone in my apartment, with no friends in this new town, hours from my family, just watching the horror unfold.
I know I learned at some point in the day that my uncle's office has recently been moved to Tribeca and that he was alive. Days later I heard how he had to walk out of Manhattan on foot, covered in ash, helping a older woman he didn't know to get home once they crossed a bridge and he was able to get a car to pick them up. And as planes were grounded for days - my dad ended up having to take a cab from Miami to some other town in order to rent a car the next day or two and drive home from Florida to Chicago.
I really don't remember much of those two or three days after - I know we didn't really work at all, as there was no commercials airing as it was wall to wall coverage. I only remember watching NBC news non stop at home and crying myself to sleep each night.
The next memory I have clear as day was that Friday. It was our GM's birthday - and Matt had the idea that we needed to forget the horrors going on around us. And suggested the entire sales staff go to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate Les's birthday. It was empty. (And if you've been in one, there are no windows out to the world. It was this cocoon of safety to block out reality.) We were the only people there. And Chuck E Cheese sells beer (along with tons of childrens games). So for that entire afternoon, we drank beer, played wack-a-mole and skeet ball, and laughed trying to pretend the world was still innocent. New to the idea of being an adult - it was exactly what I needed. Escape reality- if only for an afternoon- and be a kid again.
That day changed the world. That day changed me. In many ways, it's the day that stole my innocence. In so many ways - that was the year I really became an adult. And that day was the day I realized it.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Getting Something off my chest
Can I say that the trend the last few years (I'd say the last three it's become so much more prevalent) of sanctimommies and articles to that fact annoy me? If you don't know what a sanctimommy is here is the STFU website's definition of it: parents explaining parenting to their childless friends.
And they do it in such a way as to be making a show of being morally superior to others (specifically us childless people).
*PLEASE NOTE - I'M NOT SAYING THIS ABOUT ANY OF MY FRIENDS THIS IS MORE THE ARTICLES OR NEWS STORIES TO THIS EFFECT.
And they do it in such a way as to be making a show of being morally superior to others (specifically us childless people).
I just saw something pop up on my feed...a Huffington Post article called "5 Reasons I love my husband more after having a child". Now I'm sure many women *DO* feel this way, but it's the trend of how it comes across - as if those of us without children can't possibly love our husbands as much or even understand the love - because of our lack of child. PLEASE.
Guess what? That's just what YOU went through to strengthen your love. It doesn't mean it's the only thing. I have friend's going through and bravely fighting cancer - I bet facing that down by each others side has strengthened their love. I know couples that made it through their child's untimely death - I bet that struggle sad and unique as it is can make you see and love your spouse in a different light.
As for me...the years of shooting myself with injection after injection and Jeff being in awe of my strength and resolve to *try* to have a child might be as strong as this article's author's husband's admiration for how hard it is to be a mother of a new born. Jeff caring for me and being at my side during the hours of miscarrying our son - might mirror how her husband was at during her labor...only hers ended in joy and ours was cloaked in sadness. Doesn't make the love less down-to-your-core amazing and help you fall further in love with your spouse.
I guess what I'm ranting at - is do not belittle or undermine the sheer amount of different experiences each individual couple may go through, or each human has simply because it's not yours. I truly do believe this woman has fallen further in love with her husband because of their child...but I have fallen in love more because of our lack of one. One is not "more" than the other.
*PLEASE NOTE - I'M NOT SAYING THIS ABOUT ANY OF MY FRIENDS THIS IS MORE THE ARTICLES OR NEWS STORIES TO THIS EFFECT.
And on that same trend...here is a clip from NBC's Tamron Hall trying to explain this thought on a broader scale of sanctimommies and how us without children are "less than" in their eyes. I don't know if this will work - but if not go HERE
Time for Us
So I have a friend, well really just someone I was friendly with in high school (we were never really close) that is going through IF and semi-open with it on FB. I have reached out to her through private message to cheer her on and explain some treatments but I know after three IUIs nothing has worked. She had a status this week of "I just need a vacation from my life!" and I commented that in the past five years I have found that it *IS* needed even if only for 24 hours to get the hell out of dodge.
Some people may say "but Kati, you don't understand - we don't have the money." Trust me find a way. If you can borrow a tent and pack some food - go camping (basically free except for gas). If you have a friend three hours away - agree to a visit down there. Search out groupon or hotel sites for fire sale cheap deals. Just do anything you can to at least twice a year for at least 24 hours get out and enjoy time for the two of you (with or without friends). This is what I firmly believed help Jeff and I make it through.
And in that spirit - now that we have more money since we spent several years paying down debt, getting promotions, and finally being done keeping as much money as we can find for treatment we're stepping it up damn it!
This weekend we are heading out to a casino in Michigan. Sure just a 36 hour get away but we're really looking forward to it as it's something we enjoy together. Spending all that time together for the car trip, dining, a king size bed (aahhhh) and the laughs we have along the way will be worth it!
And we are planning a trip to Vegas in the spring. Now, I know earlier in the year I said I wanted our next vacation to not be gambling. But we agreed if we got the house we wouldn't have a vacation this year. And we're not. It's NEXT year people, and hell we just both decided we really want to go back so screw it if most of our vacations are gambling.
PLUS we will have a non-gambling vacation next year too. My cousin was supposed to get married in Miami in April...but they've now decided to have a destination wedding in Puerto Rico with only bridal party and close family so we're off the hook (this is when we decided to go to Vegas instead). My dad however was sad this meant we wouldn't have the opportunity for a family vacation (we've not had one since I was 22ish) and he had been working on getting us all to spend a whole week in a house rental for the wedding. My brain kicked into high gear (since I know my dad was jealous of the family vacation we took with Jeff's side four years ago) and I said "Barb's parents own that house in Lake in the Ozarks - why don't we see if we could rent that out?"
It's perfect because it has enough space for us 6 adults and three grandkids. It's on the water. It's between my parents in OK, and my brother and I in Illinois. AND Barb's parents agreed to rent it to us in mid June for five days for $800 - so less than $270 per family. We can split costs of food to cook in the kitchen and maybe go out just once or twice. We could rent a pontoon. Overall MUCH cheaper than my dad's house and flights to Florida. This is totally stuff up my dad's alley, while we all agreed we were not thrilled with the idea of Miami during spring break - as we're not beach people and hell - we're not college kids. While he pouted a bit (because he likes to do the planning and I've put everything together for it) but he's come around to appreciate that we will indeed have a family vacation - the first in 15 years. Yes, we will all get together for Christmas in Oklahoma this year (they get every other year). But a real, out of our homes, vacation together.
I know IF brain makes a lot of you think "we can't plan that far ahead" and I totally get it. (We thought if we got KU from the June IVF I couldn't go to Miami.) But seriously ladies still going through it. Find a weekend in the next few months, even if it is to go see the leaves changing color somewhere and a little bed and breakfast. And get the hell out of dodge for a day!
Some people may say "but Kati, you don't understand - we don't have the money." Trust me find a way. If you can borrow a tent and pack some food - go camping (basically free except for gas). If you have a friend three hours away - agree to a visit down there. Search out groupon or hotel sites for fire sale cheap deals. Just do anything you can to at least twice a year for at least 24 hours get out and enjoy time for the two of you (with or without friends). This is what I firmly believed help Jeff and I make it through.
And in that spirit - now that we have more money since we spent several years paying down debt, getting promotions, and finally being done keeping as much money as we can find for treatment we're stepping it up damn it!
This weekend we are heading out to a casino in Michigan. Sure just a 36 hour get away but we're really looking forward to it as it's something we enjoy together. Spending all that time together for the car trip, dining, a king size bed (aahhhh) and the laughs we have along the way will be worth it!
And we are planning a trip to Vegas in the spring. Now, I know earlier in the year I said I wanted our next vacation to not be gambling. But we agreed if we got the house we wouldn't have a vacation this year. And we're not. It's NEXT year people, and hell we just both decided we really want to go back so screw it if most of our vacations are gambling.
PLUS we will have a non-gambling vacation next year too. My cousin was supposed to get married in Miami in April...but they've now decided to have a destination wedding in Puerto Rico with only bridal party and close family so we're off the hook (this is when we decided to go to Vegas instead). My dad however was sad this meant we wouldn't have the opportunity for a family vacation (we've not had one since I was 22ish) and he had been working on getting us all to spend a whole week in a house rental for the wedding. My brain kicked into high gear (since I know my dad was jealous of the family vacation we took with Jeff's side four years ago) and I said "Barb's parents own that house in Lake in the Ozarks - why don't we see if we could rent that out?"
It's perfect because it has enough space for us 6 adults and three grandkids. It's on the water. It's between my parents in OK, and my brother and I in Illinois. AND Barb's parents agreed to rent it to us in mid June for five days for $800 - so less than $270 per family. We can split costs of food to cook in the kitchen and maybe go out just once or twice. We could rent a pontoon. Overall MUCH cheaper than my dad's house and flights to Florida. This is totally stuff up my dad's alley, while we all agreed we were not thrilled with the idea of Miami during spring break - as we're not beach people and hell - we're not college kids. While he pouted a bit (because he likes to do the planning and I've put everything together for it) but he's come around to appreciate that we will indeed have a family vacation - the first in 15 years. Yes, we will all get together for Christmas in Oklahoma this year (they get every other year). But a real, out of our homes, vacation together.
I know IF brain makes a lot of you think "we can't plan that far ahead" and I totally get it. (We thought if we got KU from the June IVF I couldn't go to Miami.) But seriously ladies still going through it. Find a weekend in the next few months, even if it is to go see the leaves changing color somewhere and a little bed and breakfast. And get the hell out of dodge for a day!
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
The House Debacle (Catching Up)
So...if you were reading my blog in April and May you know that we searched through about 20 house tours (and countless online listings) and put offers in on five houses. The first one we couldn't negotiate a price after a week of back and forth from the home owner (short sale). Two we were out bid on. One when we heard there was four other offers we simply withdrew our bid the same day. And the fifth was excepted straight up the day we offered. All but the house we withdrew on are short sales - because in our area and price range that's simply what's available. Two out of 20 house were not short sales, one was foreclosure. (Welcome to one of the fastest growing area's during the housing boom of the late 90's and early 2000's!)
We put the bid on what I've now come to think of as "Our house" May 30th.
I was told by someone (can't remember who anymore) that in 2010-11 - short sales took about 9 months. And in 2012 as they became more common it took around 6 months. I was told the last year; it takes about three to four months. So I figured come end of August we would be looking towards a closing date.
Yeah, no. So the short sale mortgage was originally held by Bank of America (dumbasses). Unbeknown to us, *our house* was in a large group that they then sold to a smaller bank and it went through on August 1st. So now we have to start from scratch with the new bank. I asked a friend "Why would they do this when here we sit perfectly happy to pay them money for it?!?" He explained - Say BoA has 400 houses that are all upside down and/or up for short sale. Each house has a mortgage worth $250k and are short sale listed around $200K. They have 100 million wrapped up in these houses that people are no longer paying on their mortgages. Sure they could wait out all the short sales and headaches and get 80 million of it but that will take time and their balance sheet keeps looking crappy. But say a smaller bank says "Hey, we'll pay you 60 million for those homes and we'll deal with the headache!" BoA balance sheet starts to look better for them in the short term and the little bank wins because in the end they'll make a profit.
OK - at least that I get. But I want my house NOW! So if the clock started over Aug 1st. And people are saying it will be faster* now that it's not with BoA who is notoriously slow that still puts the average 3 month time frame at around Halloween with a closing date after Thanksgiving! Ugh. At this rate I just hope we're in there by Christmas. (Let me tell you I do NOT want to decorate this place only to pack it and decorate the house. Putting up Christmas once takes time. Doing it twice in one year? No thanks.
But seriously - since it's already been 3 months already - I'm totally moved in in my mind! I've been through it three times (Once before offer in May, One in June for inspection, and once in early Aug so my mom could see it). We have a mental list of what gets fixed or painted asap (all appliances and first floor), what we hope to do in first year (hard wood floors on first level and paint all of second level) and what can wait more than a year (finish half basement, new backsplash and countertops in kitchen etc). I've been internet window shopping for appliances and furniture, daydreaming of color schemes for paint and curtains, pinteresting on backyard fire pits and maintenance for deck. This is OUR HOUSE.
My dad after the latest update was like "OMG, I could NEVER buy a house this way!" Yeah? Well give us another 50k and we could look at houses that are not short sale! Thankfully our townhouse we've lived in these past six and a half years the landlord loves us and is willing to give us a 60 day out clause (which we've now had in place since May 1st) so there's no rush except the desire to just get in there already!
We put the bid on what I've now come to think of as "Our house" May 30th.
 |
| Isn't it so cute?? |
Yeah, no. So the short sale mortgage was originally held by Bank of America (dumbasses). Unbeknown to us, *our house* was in a large group that they then sold to a smaller bank and it went through on August 1st. So now we have to start from scratch with the new bank. I asked a friend "Why would they do this when here we sit perfectly happy to pay them money for it?!?" He explained - Say BoA has 400 houses that are all upside down and/or up for short sale. Each house has a mortgage worth $250k and are short sale listed around $200K. They have 100 million wrapped up in these houses that people are no longer paying on their mortgages. Sure they could wait out all the short sales and headaches and get 80 million of it but that will take time and their balance sheet keeps looking crappy. But say a smaller bank says "Hey, we'll pay you 60 million for those homes and we'll deal with the headache!" BoA balance sheet starts to look better for them in the short term and the little bank wins because in the end they'll make a profit.
 |
| Arial shot of deck and HUGE yard (play set will be gone) Trees are much more mature as this was taken years ago |
But seriously - since it's already been 3 months already - I'm totally moved in in my mind! I've been through it three times (Once before offer in May, One in June for inspection, and once in early Aug so my mom could see it). We have a mental list of what gets fixed or painted asap (all appliances and first floor), what we hope to do in first year (hard wood floors on first level and paint all of second level) and what can wait more than a year (finish half basement, new backsplash and countertops in kitchen etc). I've been internet window shopping for appliances and furniture, daydreaming of color schemes for paint and curtains, pinteresting on backyard fire pits and maintenance for deck. This is OUR HOUSE.
My dad after the latest update was like "OMG, I could NEVER buy a house this way!" Yeah? Well give us another 50k and we could look at houses that are not short sale! Thankfully our townhouse we've lived in these past six and a half years the landlord loves us and is willing to give us a 60 day out clause (which we've now had in place since May 1st) so there's no rush except the desire to just get in there already!
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Recap - Mom's Visit
So one of the last things that happened in my two plus month of not blogging was my mom's visit.
*Next blog will be on the drama that is trying to buy a short sale house*
First let me say originally they planned for my mom to come out in mid August because I would have just given birth and how nice it would be to have my mom here to visit, help clean and cook etc. Well obviously so early in a pregnancy it was only vaguely mentioned. After the miscarriage it wasn't mention for months. But as my mom's retirement drew closer she said she had told my father for her retirement - she didn't want some extravagant vacation (they went on an adventure to Yosemite after my dad retired)...she just wanted to see her babies. And my dad said she was coming to visit for 10 days. Ummm WHAT? I love my mom but that's tons of time! I nicely planted seed of thought that it was too long - and she needed to see my brother too. So it was finally decided she'd arrive Aug. 8th and spend five days with me and on the sixth day I would drive her down to my brothers to spend four days with his clan before heading home (my dad drove up to my brothers so I could spend 20 hours with him - and he could drive her home.)
First let me tell you of the "stab twist" moment that happened with my dad. My dad has been one of my biggest supporters when it came to me being an infertility advocate. And when I share articles, petitions, or friend's trying to get their adoption profile shared - he's the first (and often only one) to do so. But when it comes to loss - well he seems to not use his brain. At all. As I said, when I first learned I was PG he was going to come up (after a few days from my mom flying in) to meet his grandchild. Once months past and plans changed, he informed me he wouldn't be coming up here with my mom. Because "If you had a kid, it would be worth it." Stab. Twist. Now, I understand because of my dad's health and weight he can't fly (He's too embarrassed to admit that he's too big to fit in one seat anymore) and because of his bad knees, COPD, and emphysema that he can't drive long distances anymore - but hell they are both retired! You're telling me they couldn't take two or even three days to drive the 12 hours to my house since he can't do it in one day anymore? Oh - he could if I had a kid...but since I'm now living childless yeah no. He'll settle for 20 hours of seeing me at my brother's with his three grandchildren. But I digress. I'm trying to move past this pain.
On day one, I took my mom to see the house we're trying to buy through short sale (will update on this next blog). The next day was Polish Thanksgiving at my In Laws. Sunday was brunch and her visiting with her best friend from when they lived here for five hours. Monday I had to work til 3 - then we went for a walk down by the river. Tuesday we went to downtown Chicago to visit Millenium Park and the Art Institute.
Wednesday we drove the 4 hours to my brothers. It was a nice visit. And since I talk to my parents 3-5 times a week I feel very connected...but dude I was happy to have my house back to just us two after that. I agree with that comedian that said family visits should last 3-4 days...because like fish left out too long it starts to rot and stink up the house. There is such a thing as too much togetherness when you're used to no visitors.
This is my favorite painting at Chicago's Art Institute. It may not be as well known as others, but Gustave Calliebonte's "Paris Street Rainy Day" has always spoken to me.
Mom about to enjoy her Pineapple Martini when we took her out to Bonefish Grill to celebrate her retirement after 42 years as a nurse.
Second selfie of the trip - Our reflections in the inside of the bean.
*Next blog will be on the drama that is trying to buy a short sale house*
First let me say originally they planned for my mom to come out in mid August because I would have just given birth and how nice it would be to have my mom here to visit, help clean and cook etc. Well obviously so early in a pregnancy it was only vaguely mentioned. After the miscarriage it wasn't mention for months. But as my mom's retirement drew closer she said she had told my father for her retirement - she didn't want some extravagant vacation (they went on an adventure to Yosemite after my dad retired)...she just wanted to see her babies. And my dad said she was coming to visit for 10 days. Ummm WHAT? I love my mom but that's tons of time! I nicely planted seed of thought that it was too long - and she needed to see my brother too. So it was finally decided she'd arrive Aug. 8th and spend five days with me and on the sixth day I would drive her down to my brothers to spend four days with his clan before heading home (my dad drove up to my brothers so I could spend 20 hours with him - and he could drive her home.)
 |
| First ever Mom and Me selfie at Polish Thanksgiving |
First let me tell you of the "stab twist" moment that happened with my dad. My dad has been one of my biggest supporters when it came to me being an infertility advocate. And when I share articles, petitions, or friend's trying to get their adoption profile shared - he's the first (and often only one) to do so. But when it comes to loss - well he seems to not use his brain. At all. As I said, when I first learned I was PG he was going to come up (after a few days from my mom flying in) to meet his grandchild. Once months past and plans changed, he informed me he wouldn't be coming up here with my mom. Because "If you had a kid, it would be worth it." Stab. Twist. Now, I understand because of my dad's health and weight he can't fly (He's too embarrassed to admit that he's too big to fit in one seat anymore) and because of his bad knees, COPD, and emphysema that he can't drive long distances anymore - but hell they are both retired! You're telling me they couldn't take two or even three days to drive the 12 hours to my house since he can't do it in one day anymore? Oh - he could if I had a kid...but since I'm now living childless yeah no. He'll settle for 20 hours of seeing me at my brother's with his three grandchildren. But I digress. I'm trying to move past this pain.
On day one, I took my mom to see the house we're trying to buy through short sale (will update on this next blog). The next day was Polish Thanksgiving at my In Laws. Sunday was brunch and her visiting with her best friend from when they lived here for five hours. Monday I had to work til 3 - then we went for a walk down by the river. Tuesday we went to downtown Chicago to visit Millenium Park and the Art Institute.
 |
| Mom at the "bean" in Millennium Park |
Wednesday we drove the 4 hours to my brothers. It was a nice visit. And since I talk to my parents 3-5 times a week I feel very connected...but dude I was happy to have my house back to just us two after that. I agree with that comedian that said family visits should last 3-4 days...because like fish left out too long it starts to rot and stink up the house. There is such a thing as too much togetherness when you're used to no visitors.
This is my favorite painting at Chicago's Art Institute. It may not be as well known as others, but Gustave Calliebonte's "Paris Street Rainy Day" has always spoken to me.
Mom about to enjoy her Pineapple Martini when we took her out to Bonefish Grill to celebrate her retirement after 42 years as a nurse.
Second selfie of the trip - Our reflections in the inside of the bean.
 |
| I love looking up when in the center of the Bean. So funky. |
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Looking Back - EED Aug 7th
Continuing to catch y'all up on the last few months since I've been gone - I owe it to myself and my little boy to talk about how his estimated due date went.
First I'll say I was dreading it, like I'm sure any loss mother feels. But I also knew that my edd changed several times in the few weeks I was pregnant - based on online calculators vs how FETs work and my doctors. So I was never really given a single "this is the day" - so I kind of thought of that whole week but had decided I would take the middle day of all the dates I was told and make it my unofficial EDD. That was Aug.7th.
Since my mother was coming to visit the next day, I had spent a whole week super cleaning our townhouse but made a schedule specifically so that I could have the 7th to fall apart if needed and everything would be already done by then.
As I had with my first loss's EDD, I wanted to go out and photograph the beauty in the world as a visual memorial for the day my child should have been born. I had decided that I would take my favorite picture or two from each of those two days and once we get our house, frame and hang them in one of the guest bedrooms. To others - it will just be beautiful nature shots. But to me it will have a special place in my heart.
I went to five different locations to take pictures. All overlooking water - for some reason these types of places have always been the most soothing to me. Since last time I had spent a good portion of my time sitting and crying, I expected the same. But every place I went there were people; it was just too beautiful a day to not be out enjoying it I guess. And finally, at the last location I found myself alone. So I sat down and thought about my lost child, and all the dreams that couldn't be realized because he was not to be. And yes, finally a few cathartic tears feel. But more than that - I found myself at peace. A little sad, sure. But nothing like I had thought would be coming.
The serenity of just sitting there, looking out over the water - remembering that it was no one's "fault" - -that it just was. Taking a few deep breaths I realized I was doing pretty good. As I've told my mother - I'm sure New Years will be hard on me as that's the day I physically passed my son, and that these past nine months I've had hard days (mother's day came to mind)...but I feel I'm handling the loss - and subsequent moving forward child free better than I expected. And that knowing. Knowing that I was mentally doing well, knowing that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness of infertility and loss closer and stronger for it. Well, I just can't describe the peace. But I then headed home. Feeling I had honored my son and that he in turn had given me that beautiful day. A day filled with sunshine and very little tears. And for the rest of the day I just held on to the remembrance of love and hope I had when I did have him in my life.
First I'll say I was dreading it, like I'm sure any loss mother feels. But I also knew that my edd changed several times in the few weeks I was pregnant - based on online calculators vs how FETs work and my doctors. So I was never really given a single "this is the day" - so I kind of thought of that whole week but had decided I would take the middle day of all the dates I was told and make it my unofficial EDD. That was Aug.7th.
Since my mother was coming to visit the next day, I had spent a whole week super cleaning our townhouse but made a schedule specifically so that I could have the 7th to fall apart if needed and everything would be already done by then.
As I had with my first loss's EDD, I wanted to go out and photograph the beauty in the world as a visual memorial for the day my child should have been born. I had decided that I would take my favorite picture or two from each of those two days and once we get our house, frame and hang them in one of the guest bedrooms. To others - it will just be beautiful nature shots. But to me it will have a special place in my heart.
I went to five different locations to take pictures. All overlooking water - for some reason these types of places have always been the most soothing to me. Since last time I had spent a good portion of my time sitting and crying, I expected the same. But every place I went there were people; it was just too beautiful a day to not be out enjoying it I guess. And finally, at the last location I found myself alone. So I sat down and thought about my lost child, and all the dreams that couldn't be realized because he was not to be. And yes, finally a few cathartic tears feel. But more than that - I found myself at peace. A little sad, sure. But nothing like I had thought would be coming.
The serenity of just sitting there, looking out over the water - remembering that it was no one's "fault" - -that it just was. Taking a few deep breaths I realized I was doing pretty good. As I've told my mother - I'm sure New Years will be hard on me as that's the day I physically passed my son, and that these past nine months I've had hard days (mother's day came to mind)...but I feel I'm handling the loss - and subsequent moving forward child free better than I expected. And that knowing. Knowing that I was mentally doing well, knowing that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness of infertility and loss closer and stronger for it. Well, I just can't describe the peace. But I then headed home. Feeling I had honored my son and that he in turn had given me that beautiful day. A day filled with sunshine and very little tears. And for the rest of the day I just held on to the remembrance of love and hope I had when I did have him in my life.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Quick Look Back - July/Founders
So since I missed out on the last two months the next few posts will be a little catch up.
First up? July.
It started out pretty good, in that my best friend Brit was visiting from Georgia. As a mom of two small kids, I know her time here can't be just us so we agreed on one of my days off to meet at Costco and then go to a park for the kids to play (Ah the excitement parents have LOL). Upon walking up to them in the store - first words out of her daughter's mouth "Do you have kids?" I saw the looks of "Aw geez, I'm so sorry" on my friend's face. But I get it. Her daughter (5) has seen me about twice a year for the last several years but only for an afternoon here or there. I can't expect a five year old to remember I don't have children. And let's all infertiles admit, while that comment is hard to get from other adults - it's actually not that hard to get from kids. Sad maybe yes, but not hard because they are content with the quick simple answer of "No, sweetie I'm sorry I don't." She was simply hoping for more friends to play with but quickly changed her attention. And really, it was the first time in those first two weeks of finally knowing we were living child free forever that someone asked. So I'm glad it came from a child I know and love and not from an adult stranger with some of the connotations that can come with it (are you one of those "selfish adults"? WHY don't you have kids? WHEN will you have kids? Or just the "advice" or anecdotes that comes from almost all strangers when you explain you have infertility and are now moving on child free.) It let me say it out loud, have an inner smile that I was proud I said it and didn't feel a tear coming and move on.
Oh, and can we pause on that for a second? The adults that DON'T let it go and just HAVE to ask a follow up question or add their advice or anecdote? I heard just this weekend, after I said "No, after five years, two miscarriage, and about $30,000 that we're done. No more trying." One friend said "Are you going to try and adopt?" And once again I explained it takes another 10K (at least) and a year or more and again could lead to nothing and I'm just too emotionally and financially spent for that. A second friend had to give a story of her SIL that adopted and feels she never bonded with the child "correctly" and she believes this is now why they have problems (instead of oh IDK - that she sounds like a typical teenager?). Why tell me this? It came off as her way of saying it's a good thing we're not adopting. What she doesn't realize is there is a part of me that wishes we were 5 years younger, had not spent that last 10K on IVF and had gone for adoption. But I can't turn back time or get my money back so it's moot. Or that I have several friends that were either adopted themselves or adopted their child and have great relationships so this is just an isolated tale that in her mind should "ease" my mind - yet it doesn't? But I've never been a person to live in a "Should have, could have" mentality so I let it go. I know it was probably just that she didn't know what to say and this is what popped into her head so I'll forgive her.
But anyway, so I had a nice visit with Brit. And another day we all got together on her parents beach to celebrate the 4th of July. After the kids went to get bathes and go to bed - some fun old stories came out. Good laughs. A truely nice 4th in all it's Americana glory. Here are some shots from that day.
Then the end of the month was Founders. Anyone that follows me knows about putting on our town's Fest. Almost a week of volunteering and drinking. And again it was a blast. And while it's then our fifth anniversary of TTC, and I should have been 9 months PG I was able to almost forget all that for the wonderful time. My friend (One of the #75strong) that has put together an art exhibit called The ART of IF is expanding it now that it will be traveling (To the California Resolve Walk of Hope, Arizona's and hopefully DC and more). She asked us Chicagoland gals if she could come photograph us. The weekend she was doing this was Founders. She thought it was a great opportunity because she has me as making an impact on our community by helping out with this. But I do feel bad that I was not able to really spend time with her, or get shots of my doing anything other than standing around while the parade went on because of how busy we were. But if you get a chance to see her exhibit (or follow her exhibit on FB) here is one of the shots she took of me. And some other pics from the fest that I took.
All in all a very fun month, while learning to get my head around the idea of moving forward from IF and loss.
First up? July.
It started out pretty good, in that my best friend Brit was visiting from Georgia. As a mom of two small kids, I know her time here can't be just us so we agreed on one of my days off to meet at Costco and then go to a park for the kids to play (Ah the excitement parents have LOL). Upon walking up to them in the store - first words out of her daughter's mouth "Do you have kids?" I saw the looks of "Aw geez, I'm so sorry" on my friend's face. But I get it. Her daughter (5) has seen me about twice a year for the last several years but only for an afternoon here or there. I can't expect a five year old to remember I don't have children. And let's all infertiles admit, while that comment is hard to get from other adults - it's actually not that hard to get from kids. Sad maybe yes, but not hard because they are content with the quick simple answer of "No, sweetie I'm sorry I don't." She was simply hoping for more friends to play with but quickly changed her attention. And really, it was the first time in those first two weeks of finally knowing we were living child free forever that someone asked. So I'm glad it came from a child I know and love and not from an adult stranger with some of the connotations that can come with it (are you one of those "selfish adults"? WHY don't you have kids? WHEN will you have kids? Or just the "advice" or anecdotes that comes from almost all strangers when you explain you have infertility and are now moving on child free.) It let me say it out loud, have an inner smile that I was proud I said it and didn't feel a tear coming and move on.
Oh, and can we pause on that for a second? The adults that DON'T let it go and just HAVE to ask a follow up question or add their advice or anecdote? I heard just this weekend, after I said "No, after five years, two miscarriage, and about $30,000 that we're done. No more trying." One friend said "Are you going to try and adopt?" And once again I explained it takes another 10K (at least) and a year or more and again could lead to nothing and I'm just too emotionally and financially spent for that. A second friend had to give a story of her SIL that adopted and feels she never bonded with the child "correctly" and she believes this is now why they have problems (instead of oh IDK - that she sounds like a typical teenager?). Why tell me this? It came off as her way of saying it's a good thing we're not adopting. What she doesn't realize is there is a part of me that wishes we were 5 years younger, had not spent that last 10K on IVF and had gone for adoption. But I can't turn back time or get my money back so it's moot. Or that I have several friends that were either adopted themselves or adopted their child and have great relationships so this is just an isolated tale that in her mind should "ease" my mind - yet it doesn't? But I've never been a person to live in a "Should have, could have" mentality so I let it go. I know it was probably just that she didn't know what to say and this is what popped into her head so I'll forgive her.
 |
| Jeff and I on the 4th of July |
 |
| Ben and Carter |
 |
| Ellie with her Flag |
 |
| Lauren and Addy |
Then the end of the month was Founders. Anyone that follows me knows about putting on our town's Fest. Almost a week of volunteering and drinking. And again it was a blast. And while it's then our fifth anniversary of TTC, and I should have been 9 months PG I was able to almost forget all that for the wonderful time. My friend (One of the #75strong) that has put together an art exhibit called The ART of IF is expanding it now that it will be traveling (To the California Resolve Walk of Hope, Arizona's and hopefully DC and more). She asked us Chicagoland gals if she could come photograph us. The weekend she was doing this was Founders. She thought it was a great opportunity because she has me as making an impact on our community by helping out with this. But I do feel bad that I was not able to really spend time with her, or get shots of my doing anything other than standing around while the parade went on because of how busy we were. But if you get a chance to see her exhibit (or follow her exhibit on FB) here is one of the shots she took of me. And some other pics from the fest that I took.
 |
| Me downtown Algonquin just off the parade route |
 |
| Crowd listening to band |
 |
| Hiding from the rain |
 |
| Barb, me and Lauren |
 |
| Barb's daughters & my youngest nephew |
All in all a very fun month, while learning to get my head around the idea of moving forward from IF and loss.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)