From excitement to sorrow - Miscarrying

I have a few places on the interwebz that I keep up with my IF world...and I know 99.5% of my readers are from there.  So to you guys this is all just a little more detail on old news.  For me, it's writing it out because it's cathartic and I want it written down. (Note Half of this was written on Wednesday, the rest was written on Friday).

On Sunday, I was 11dpIUI.  It was Superbowl Sunday.  I was not planning on drinking so I was not testing to see if I could drink...I was testing because it was the only day Jeff and I both had off together so I thought it would be nice to have the OMG I'm pregnant! Kind of moment together if it worked.  But instead I took the test, waited the three minutes and stared...

Wait, is that? Naw that's not really there.

:::walks a way to make bed, comes back::::...eh, maybe I'm not imagining....

::::taps Jeff on shoulder::::: "Can you come look at something for me?  Do you see a second line?"  As he starts to twist it back and forth in the light he said "Sometimes."  ((Not a definitive answer right?))  It was such a hint of a line it's hard to believe it could possibly be real.  And well, I have heard of gals having a trigger in their system that long.  So three hours later I decide, I'll go buy a digital.  No lines to interpret!  Well I don't know if it was because I only held my pee an hour (I've told you people I'm diabetic and cannot for the life of me go an hour awake without peeing!!) or it was diluted, or what but the digi was negative.  So Jeff said maybe it was an "Quality Control Issue" at the pee stick factory.  ((In other words he thought I was negative, that the hint of a line was wrong.))  And I could not explain my thinking to him, the whole "a line is a line" theory to him so we went on the rest of our day as if nothing *really* happened.  Went to his parents for the Superbowl Sunday afternoon and evening and went off to sleep.  But in my head though, I was like "A line is a line.  And it was there.  And I *think* the digi is less sensitive.  I bet it's positive!  I bet after 51 cycles, after three years and seven months, after four IUIs - it actually worked!!"

So I woke up Monday morning - -my alarm went off at 6am and can you believe instead of hitting snooze of jumping out to take a test that I accidentally hit off?? And I didn't wake up until 6:30??  Went to take the test and Ta-dah!  It was a little darker!  Still rather faint (see below top pic is from Sunday and half the people that have see it say they don't see the hint of the line...but all agree the one below from Monday has a line).  I text Jeff to let him know.   Romantic right? A text.  Well he told me to text since he would either still be on the train or walking from train to work and would not hear the phone ring.  He called me a little later to congratulate me/us.  But I did have a little tiny bit of brown spotting.   So I was worried a little bit but knew that it was normal and brown was good...red was bad.

So light!!! Can you even see them???

We decided we would hold off until beta to tell our parents, but then I got the beta moved up to Tuesday...and I had to work Tuesday night so Monday night at 6:45 we agreed to go tell family.  We drove to his parents, then his sister, then called my parents, and my brother and told them all the news.  All but my brother knew we were at the tail end of a treatment cycle.  All were very excited.  Both grandpa's to be mentioned having a girl since I have five nephews.  It only took us an hour and fifteen minutes to visit and/or call everyone.

Welcome to Turmoil Tuesday!  I wake up ready to have an even darker HPT.  Nope, it's about the same and this morning I have a panty liner about 1/4th full of red blood and red blood when I wipe.

::::Que FREAK OUT:::::               oh, and que crying like crazy while you're at it.

I'm losing it, I have to be losing it.  Right?  Red blood is bad right?  I call off from work (thank god the one person who happens to answer the phone that day is the one woman in the building who did IVF to have her child and understands IF).  I call and tell Jeff "We should not have told our parents."  He hears the tears in my voice and understands what I'm saying.  I tell him I'll know more after the beta.  He calls me at 10:15 right after they draw the blood...I explain no, they have to send it off to a lab I won't know until 2:30.  But they said if it's 10 or below they will just assume it's a chemical pregnancy.  If it's higher we'll just have to retest on Thursday to see if it doubles.  So I've been googling and laying around worrying all day.

Well I got the call.  My beta is 44  :::::throws arms up in the air::::::: Woohoo for no chemical pregnancy!!! And my p4 is now up to 15.  So now we have to wait until Thursday to see what it does.  :::::::Taps foot:::::::

But today I am pregnant.  And today I love my baby.  And I will rest trying to do everything I can to make sure this baby stays put.

Wednesday - I spend the entire day laying on the couch resting.  Jeff takes the day off to take care of me.  The only time I cry is the morning seeing even more red blood...I convince myself it's because I've been lying down for eight hours and it collects (instead of wiping every hour in the bathroom).

From reading websites I convince myself that it's a subchorionic hematoma which is fairly common with people who bleed and go on to healthy pregnancies.  I convince myself that because there is no cramping or pain I can not possibly be miscarrying.  I convince myself that people always say "I just thought I had a light period but it turns out I was pregnant."  and that's what this was.  I convince myself of all these things.

And then Thursday comes.  I've become so confident that I almost believe I have mothers intuition.  That I'd *know* if it was done.  I'm so stupid to believe any of this.

Again I spend the entire day on the couch (except 9:45 for the second beta blood draw) and again Jeff stays home with me.  They say the call will come between 2 and 2:30 so by three o'clock and no call I'm starting to get really crazy.  They finally call at 3:15 to say it's over.  The beta went down from 44 to 23.  Nurse Cindy tells me if it was going to happen at least it seems to be happening quick with the fast drop in beta and already having the blood.  I had called off work again for that night for just such a call because I was able to keep it together enough to have the two minute conversation.  Then....

I've never wailed that hard in my life.  And that's the best word to describe it.  Wail - not cry, because stars formed in front of my closed eyes and I felt I might pass out from the sheer pain of my screaming.  Jeff held me while I cried for I don't know...a good hour?  At some point soon after I peeled myself away to quickly text my 3T support group on facebook because I knew they were all waiting to hear.

Now the fear is creeping in.  Will the cramping and pain come?  Or will I mercifully not feel it?  How long will I bleed that I have to look at the hourly reminder every time I have to go to the bathroom?  How will I handle going back to work on Satuday with all those babies and pregnant women shopping at Target?  Why did it have to snow 5 inches so that the world looks so pretty when I feel so horribly?  Can we afford any more treatment?  How long do we have to wait before trying?  How will I react anytime I need to talk about it?  When I see my family next weekend?  Etc. Etc. Etc.

But mainly I'm worried about the pain.  Everything I read online women described a pain like their guts were being ripped out.  I have a high tolerance for pain, but not the emotional pain that will go with it.  I'm supposed to call the office today (the administration were gone by the time she called to tell me my beta so I have to fucking call them myself?) to set up yet another beta to make sure it's going down like it's supposed to and my "What the fuck" appointment with my RE for early next week.

I hate this.  I hate how numb I feel to everything else in the world.  I hate how I can't stop thinking about almost anything else.  I love my husband.  I love how sweet he' been...and that even a few hours after the news he was able to make me laugh.  I love how every time he's seen tears on my face he's come and held me.  I love him.  I hate this for both of us.