Decision Made...IVF#2 here we come

So if you look back at this months blogs you know we were wavering on living child free or doing IVF one more time.  And I thought we were going to hold off on that decision until Mid March when it's time for Jeff's bonus.  But Jeff surprised me last night.  Out of the blue after being home for a few hours he said, "So I looked at a 401K for doing it again."  Nonchalant.  I looked up at him in the loft.  "Oh?  IVF you mean?" And he said yeah.

He looked at doing a 401K loan that would be huge - big enough to pay for a full OOP IVF cycle *and* pay off the one we just got in Sept.  It would only increase our monthly budget cost by about $125 a paycheck which so happens to just a little bit less than his promotion/raise is per paycheck so it's as if we wouldn't even notice because we didn't have that money two months ago in the monthly budget.
This would also keep us at one 401K loan, so if we needed another for a decent home loan down payment if need be (still not sure if we even qualify - see last post re that if you're that interested).  AND then his bonus could go toward a vacation for our fifth anniversary.   - And let me just say if you're someone who's all "why would you think about taking a vacation with these financial burdens? Let me just say unless you've come through five years of infertility and two miscarriages as fairly unscathed as I feel I am in the psychological world, you have no business deciding what is and is not needed or what you'd financially do in order to remain a fairly mentally healthy individual.  Not to sound defensive, but I truly believe staying connected as a couple by having a life outside of IF truly is what has kept me/us this sane and as crazy in love as we are.  And since we came out of the last six years having had two 401K loans of similar size and paying them off - I can say those five years go by so much faster than you think.  (:::Jumps off soap box::::).

Anyway!!  I was so happy to hear this.  Deep down I had prepared myself for the idea of child free but really hoped he felt as I did.  That seeing the heartbeat flicker those two weeks and living those several weeks knowing I was pregnant, were so joyful.  I can't help but feel we felt as if we had seen a glimpse of the other side of IF and want to go back and make it all the way to the other side.  We just are not ready to give up on that dream....yet.  So one more try.

To prepare for this, Jeff will go back to taking CoQ10 and Fertility Blend for Men for a few months and we'll plan on doing it in May/June.  I have my final WTF meeting with RE about my miscarriage and tell him we're moving ahead on Feb 17th.  I'll see if there are any tests that need to be redone, get a fresh pap, etc. before my Tar.get insurance runs out April 1st (because while I have fully run though my IF coverage it still has some medical bennies for wellness visits and testing I can at least take advantage before it goes bye-bye).  And my girls have already started mentioning free drugs they have to possibly give me when I mentioned we'll be taking $15K est. for OOP full cycle.  ((FX it is only this much.  I need to look back at my spreadsheet of what all they charged upfront to my insurance company before it was negotiated down and partially covered. YIKES I just looked and it was $13K WITHOUT meds or the transfer or the cryo cost if we have frosties!  Well, we should have two thousand or so in the HSA by then too but Jesus!  Oh and my RE gives a 5% discount to oop patients.  That seems so small  a discount after seeing what insurance gets off!!))  But I'm rambling.

Needless to say I am a frickin bundle of nerves these last 20 hours.  Nervous, excited, worried, happy, anxious - I've said, and it's so true, that I don't know whether to cry tears of joy or vomit.  OK, I did shed a few happy tears when I hugged Jeff after our conversations and have felt nauseous ever since.  So yeah.  There it is.