Halloween and fears ahead

I love halloween.  Like looooove halloween.  I like being able to dress up as someone else.  I don't know why but that aspect is a big part of it.  I guess since I liked playing dress up as a child it shouldn't be too surprising.  But I also love to see all the cute pictures of kiddos.  And cuties coming to our door.  And candy!  And it's during my favorite time of year  - FALL.  I'm addicted to the leaves changing and getting to wear sweaters and boots.  But being married to someone who doesn't love halloween admittedly puts a damper on it.  Do I get a little jealous that I don't have a little one to show off in their cute little outfit? Of course!  But strangely what makes me more jealous now - is when I see a husband that likes halloween.  I can't go all out on halloween because Jeff won't dress up, won't go out.  Blah.

I decided I was dressing up.  No I didn't go all out - I went as Axl Rose.  Just need a red bandana and plaid flannel over Guns and Roses t shirt.  That's what I liked about it, it was regular clothes and fairly simple so as not to be over the top to Jeff but still in the spirit of halloween.  But it just made me realize how fun it was to dress up again.  Double edged sword.  First world problems right?

But damnit I enjoyed the holiday - I carved my pumpkin (which Jeff thinks is cute that I love the holiday that much that I do it), I roasted the seeds, I made a fall wreath, and damn it I dressed up!  Because while Jeff and I are so similar in most ways, I decided I was embracing this difference.  Now if only next year we had a party to go to and I could convince him to go all out.

the design vs my free hand carve

But with the turn to November - we are facing something scarier than halloween...the milestones that will be coming up in the next two months.  On Nov 15th last year I had my FET.  And over Thanksgiving week (M, W, F) is when I had my betas to learn we were pregnant.  And on Dec 27th we learned sometime earlier in the week, our son had passed (I morbidly believe it was Christmas Day because Christmas Eve night I had morning sickness and on Christmas it was like most all my pregnancy symptoms went away).  And on New Years Eve I took the miso and at 5am New Years Day I passed our son into this world.  All three frickin holidays.  But it's been a year of mourning and healing - so I'm not dreading the holidays.  I love them - and I don't want our loss to change that.  I know I will have moments of sadness.  I'm preparing myself for that.  But I'm also doing everything I always love to do for the season.  I've designed our Christmas card, I've started planning out gifts for everyone, and knowing what dish I'm cooking for Thanksgiving.  While I'm not religious, I will be giving thanks this year that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness stronger.  I know not all marriages survive infertility - and I'm very thankful for our love.  So maybe FDR was right - the only thing to fear, is the fear itself.  I can get over this fear - in part because I've gotten over worse.

But want to hear something I'm doing as a remembrance if you will of the year?  For the first 35 years of my life, my mom would buy us our annual Christmas ornament.  Last year as she retired, she and my dad decided that was one tradition that they'd have to give up to cut back on Christmas costs so I've taken up the tradition for Jeff and I.  And because of this post and realization that my heart has grown larger this year from the love and support of my groups over the loss of our son - this years ornament for me is this Grinch.  As soon as I saw it, I was like "That's the one!"  It will forever remind me that even in the worst of times, my life was filled with love.  Maybe strange... but child like and whimsical seems fitting to encompass the emotion.  I want to hold on to the good.  And look how cute!  And it even has sound of part of the story that talks about his heart growing three sizes.  And THAT my dear readers is part of what this holiday is about and what it will mean to me this year.