Boy Scout motto "Always be prepared!"

In the spirit of preparation, I thought before I go on Clomid (Late March) I should make a list now of things that don't bother me but when I am medically hormonal might cause me to go a little nutty. This way, next month I can look back and remind myself to not throw a fit.

1. When my husband has to work late, it's not his fault. He doesn't want to be there and will be home as soon as he can. And remember, he's the bread winner so we need him to keep the boss happy.

2. My family is NOT trying to drive me crazy. They love me and are only concerned for my well being. They do not say things to try and hurt me. Don't blow anything they say out of control.

3. NO, while it may seem like it....the whole world is not getting pregnant around you.

4. You've always let Jeff watch that much sports on TV. You enjoy reading and playing on the internet while this is happening so don't let this week of meds make you think you have a right to play couch commando.

**OK ladies, that's all I can think of for now. Do you have anything that made you go crazy while on the drug that I should be prepared for? TIA!

Stylish Blog Award

Thank You Magnolia for picking me for the Stylish Blog Award. As I commented on her page, clearly the blogosphere is a shallow pool if we're thinking me stylish LOL. You are too sweet! And since I hate to break with the tradition of the award I will follow the rules of blogging seven things about me:

1. Quitting my career in television advertising has made me happier then I could imagine. I worked for years (being a type A personality) trying to be the best sales person, climbing the ladder, and getting so stressed it effected my health. I quit to be with the love of my life and I think it's saved my sanity.

2. HOWEVER, I miss having a job that takes more than an IQ of 70. While I can be mentally challenged through reading & conversations I find that not having a career has given me less to talk about, and I fear I'm becoming dull LOL.

3. I have a bit of OCD but for *odd* things. For example, I only set my alarm clock to times ending in 1's, 3's, 7's & 9's. Like for some reason if it's set to even times or something ending in five it won't go off.

4. I take between five to eight bathes a week. To me there is nothing more fantastic then surrounding myself in the warm water while reading a great book.

5. You can tell when I'm really upset or mad because when my blood pressure goes up both my ears turn red, as well as a spot on my left cheek.

6. Because of my useless movie trivia knowledge - my husband LOVES to challenge me with the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game. I have gotten to Mr. Bacon in six or less steps on literally at least a hundred actors.

7. I didn't date a whole lot after college so when I was 25 I said if I didn't find someone by the time I was 32, I would look into IVF with a donor in order to be a mom. I started dating my husband when I was 29 and married him when I was 31. The irony is now we may need to go to IVF anyway. I guess it's a little easier for me to wrap my head around it since I had thought about it years ago.

I am supposed to pass the award onto others, but I may have to edit this...I believe all the wonderful Bump gals I follow have already gotten it and I don't think "stylish" is the right way to describe my cousin's personal blog on his Crohn's disease.

Out with the old? Goodbye & Good Riddance 2010!

As a whole, 2010 has been nothing to write home about. I am at a job that takes no brains or talent and does not challenge me on any level (except maybe it challenges my gag reflex!). Nothing major happened to me personally or anyone close to me. I spent much of the year in pain, either from my thyroid surgery or my tennis elbow. And almost every.single.day. I thought about ovulation, sperm, peeing on sticks, babies, fertility drugs etc.
So to 2010 I say "Good bye, and Good Riddance!"
Now, what to hear the ironic part? This was the happiest year of my life. Really. Since I blog so infrequently I'm sure you can't tell from the 'year in posts'. But I can't put into words well how much I love that I married a man that is truly my other half. I had always considered myself a fairly independent woman and hated people that made it sound like life was so much better because they were married. But now I get that they were not gloating. That true love is not something easily put into words. But it does fill a part of you, a part you didn't even know was empty. And that has made me happier than I've ever been. And so I look forward to this year knowing it will be more of this wonderful feeling. Happy New Year!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

So as expected, the last month has flown by almost as fast as a blink of the eye. The Christmas letter was written (much to Jeff's dismay), the gifts were bought and exchanged, the families were visited. It was a great time! I get to see my family so little that I try to soak up every minute - but at the same time; vacations are so good for napping! The nephews are all getting so big that they no longer want to "play" with aunt Kate. Most times they are off reading books. :( I miss when they would play horse by climbing on my back.

But now we are back home and the tree will be coming down this week. Looking forward to 2011 and all the fun things to come. Thanks to Christmas gifts we are going to a Blackhawks hockey game, and will get to have two night dinner date nights out. I will also be getting a much needed massage! I will feel so decadent this coming month!

Thanks & Giving

So once again it's been over a month and I have not blogged. I don't know that my life is interesting enough to be cut out for this but since this is currently just for myself - I guess it doesn't really matter. It's thanksgiving week and I'm trying to be thankful for all the blessings in life. Starting with my wonderful husband. I am so thankful that we've grown up in a time and culture where the man can cook, help with cleaning, etc. and not be considered less than a man for doing it. With me working weekends, he really steps up and helps out. He's a keeper! :)
I am also thankful that even in this bad economy and even though I hate it (and that it's retail, and that it's minimum wage, ad nauseum) that I have a job and we are making it thru these "lean years". I know that since our love can survive without much material stuff, nice dinners out to eat, and whatnot that our love can survive with just the two of us. I am also thankful that said job will let me off for several days before & after Christmas day so that we can go visit my family for the holidays. This week we will be helping Carol cook the Turkey day feast since she's broken her foot and is supposed to stay off it. - - This should be interesting! I'm happy to cook for the family (with Jeff's help) it's just that it's not my recipes so if it doesn't taste right; I won't even really know it! But I have great in-laws and I'm betting Jeff and Jori will do most of the work. Maybe I can be of more help with cutting & prep work.
And once Friday comes - here comes Christmas season. I "respect the turkey" and wait until after Thanksgiving to start decorating. But I am very happy that this year I have gift ideas for almost everyone in the family...and some gifts already bought! I'm sure the next month will fly by and the holidays will be here before I know it. I will continue in the weeks to come try to slow down and be thankful for the little things and little moments that make life worth living.

Feeling Old

This fall marks the 25th anniversary of one of my all time favorite movies; Back the the Future. It has been in my "top five" list since it came out and I can recite every line my heart...complete with tone and inflection. And it's 25!! I can remember the day I got to see it. I was at the local pool and my brother came by on his bike to tell me we'd rented it from the video store (We'd had a VCR for a whole year people! Remember when that seemed awesome?). I was so excited to see it I jumped out of the pool and came home right then. Later we recorded it off of HBO so that I could watch it over and over again. And it's 25!! I'm sure you can do the math...I was 8 the first time I saw it. I'm going to be 33 in two months.

Now if that doesn't make me feel old enough, Jeff turned 39 this week. And a few people (my brother included) asked if he was turning 40. I remember when my parents turned 40 because I was 11. My parents had a 10 year old daughter and a 14 year old son when they were Jeff's age. OMG! And we're still trying for baby #1!!

But I think the strongest "wow, I feel old" moment came today when I found out that a friend of Jeff's has colon cancer. They are the same age. Jeff said "he's the same age as when his dad got it." But his dad has lived thru it and I'm sure he will too. He's a fighter.

But seriously? This is the second friend of ours to get cancer. When did we get so old? I know you're only as old as you feel, and I've felt stuck at about 26 for the last six years. I can't be feeling arthritis in my fingers and knees yet right? (OH YES I DO) I'm still a young thing damnit!!!

And then I realize it's the perspective that really changes with time. I keep moving my definition of what "old" is whenever I get closer to it. I used to think old was 60, because I remember my grandparents being 60, retired and taking naps. Now that my parents are past that age, still working and alert LOL I think 70's the new "old". Which means what I used to think of 40 year olds now should be applied to people in their 50's. Phew, diverted it off yet again. And yet I still find myself thinking "crazy kids" when a group of teens past me by.......
Man, I am old!

Polish Thanksgiving

My in laws are funny. They invented a holiday 12 years ago. Yes, my in laws are very much like George Costanza's from Seinfeld, inventing Festivus. But my in-laws invented Polish Thanksgiving. Apparently it started years ago when a family friend was going to cut everyone's hair. My MIL said "Why don't I make tons of Polish food if everyone is coming over?" It was a Sunday and aside from eating the tons of Polish food, everyone drank alot. They decided to make it an annual thing but cut out the pesky hair cuts. They move it to Saturday so that people had a day to recover before going back to work. They named it Polish Thanksgiving. This was my fourth year, and I look forward to it for at least two weeks beforehand. The food was, as always, AMAZING. The drinks; plentiful and tasty. The weather? Gorgeous. The only thing that put a hamper on the day? Me not being pregnant, of course.
Now, I think I do a good job many days putting this in a small corner of my mind. Not mentioning it to anyone except my "bump" friends on-line and maybe a quick chat about it to close friends every now and then but this was a tough day.
While outside, two of the older generation ladies were giving me the "relax and it will happen" speech. Anyone dealing with infertility will tell you this is the most annoying statement. I finally said "relaxing will not help Jeff's motility or my progesterone!" It shocked them into silence, but I couldn't sit there anymore. So I moved into the house, where the four women of my generation where sitting (with all their children). Here I was told within minutes of joining that "someone has been pregnant for the last several Christmas's so I guess it's your turn this year Kati." Yeah, I'll get right on that, as if I have not been trying these last 18 cycles. It turns out the woman who said it went thru IVF 13 years ago, and she knows we are having trouble. Of all people, she should know the hurt a statement like this causes.
I broke down in the car ride home (props to me for keeping it together for the several hours that followed). But I realize now that my statement to Jeff of feeling guilty for not being pregnant, might have then put guilt on him. That was not my intention, obviously. I just wanted to sit and let the emotions flow over me. To let it out. In the future, I need to remember that while what others say, might hurt me. In return, what I express to my husband, might hurt him. I should vocalize that I know I'm not alone in the frustration. I don't ever what him to feel that I'm blaming him. I love him too much to let even the possibility of the thought fester. The time with friends and family for 90% was fun, don't get me wrong. But there was still that hanging overhead. And I think that's what most family's don't understand. That while it may not be mentioned; it's always in the mind. I sat their while everyone was taking photos with their children. While mothers compared stories and worries. While children fussed and played. It's an inescapable environment, and there are those of us that can only sit and hope (and sometimes mope).