Sometimes I don't understand the world

On Friday a former co-worker of mine committed murder/suicide.  It's been over a year and a half since I worked with him, but he worked as a front lanes manager for the first year and a half that I worked.  I used to joke with him, talk sports, each lunch....next to someone that committed murder.  And then killed himself.  I've never been in a situation like this before.  Some people at work are sad over his death, others saying things like "he killed someone, I don't feel sympathy for people that murder."  Me? I just have a stone in my stomach.  I find it nauseating.  But don't know what to feel.  But in the 24 hours since I heard I can't seem to stop thinking about it.  Honestly, I wish I didn't know.  I've always thought of people who do that as whack jobs.  Someone you'd say to your self "That person's totally unhinged."  And maybe I'd have thought that if I had seen him recently.  But I can't.  I still see him as a laughing, joking man.  And you think, if a person can spiral down that deep into the hands of evil - can everyone?  And it makes the world a scarier place for me today.

Even the Hunger Games bring IF to mind...

So from Tuesday afternoon to Saturday morning, I have been doing almost only one thing non-stop outside of work: Reading the Hunger Games Series.  I had held off for a while on the hype but finally gave in an OMG...loved them.  And as I look to my left I see Jeff is now close to finishing the first book.  Took us both less than 24 hours.  Yes, it is that good.

So what does this have to do with being a infertility reminder? *And trust me, I will not reveal any spoilers for the overall book, just general observations*  Book three in the very early pages mentions that one of the districts is no longer able to have children.  They have become infertile.  Can you imagine infertility effecting every one in your state? At least you wouldn't be "alone" as so many of us feel from time to time.  But how sad!  And the fact that even immersed in the world of Panem (the name of the country) in the future, I still end up getting pulled into my own hell from just a simple mention? Great.  Thanks Suzanne Collins.  Like I needed that!

Thankfully, it's just a mention on maybe two pages of the third book.  But, they do every now and then (throughout the entire series) mention that the main character and heroine doesn't want kids (so they would never be subjected to the Hunger Games themselves).  I don't hate her for this.  I love her for this.  What I hate, is once again being sucked out of fantasy... back to reality - even in the form of what is supposed to be escapism for me (reading).

And yet, this perfectly explains something.  There is never any escaping it.  IF pain, sadly, is everywhere.  And why? Because it's a perfectly natural human instinct to want to further our species.  Those on the outside have absolutely no understanding of how many things "trigger" our heartache.

For me, I've pushed it down and made myself numb often.  I can see endless posts on facebook of pictures of children, updates on pregnancies, funny "listen to what my kid just said" updates without it bothering me (like it does many IF'ers).  But seeing a mother at Target ignore her child brings it to the front of mind.  A friend talking about their child's baseball game only makes me wonder - will Jeff ever get to play catch with a child of his?  Watching a commercial with families in it; we don't need a mini-van, kids meals, the latest water gun, etc but seriously the vast majority are for the "average" adult...who has kids of varying ages.  Even, yes reading a book about a game of killing people off can't let me escape it.

It's sad that there really is no place to hide from it.  Ever.  I guess that I've know that all along, because I've always made myself except that reality and try not to hide from it.  It doesn't bother me much anymore.  Only every now and then does the sting of it find a raw nerve.  I just sometimes wish I had a switch I could flip, and forget about it, and make it through one whole day.  Just one whole day, without it ever even entering my mind.  Maybe someday, I will.  But this day....like the the past 740 days (give or take) since the words slipped out of our doctors lips that we are dealing with infertility....  This is not that day.

Catching up on the Anniversary week

So last blog I posted what to do for our anniversary.  And came up with four ideas.  That was Tuesday, and Jeff was out of town until that night.  His flight out of DC got delayed and he didn't get home until almost 11pm so we didn't get much of a chance to discuss plans - but I gave him a quick run down of the four options I had thought of.
Fast forward to the next morning.  I made us a breakfast of Cinnamon Rolls and sausage.  I asked what he wanted to do; he wavered on all options - finding fault with my ideas of boating for various reasons. :(  I said I was going to take a shower and get ready and he could think on it some more while I got ready.  About 45 minutes later, I appear ready for anniversary fun only to find? He hadn't really thought more about it.  I explained I was ready to go...anywhere but I just did not want to sit on the couch like I do so often.  But still, at this point I was in a good mood, but anger was starting to fester.  He said, "Gimme a minute" and I thought he was looking up some idea on the computer...only minutes later to hear some YouTube video a friend had sent him.
Now let me say, my time of the month was set to arrive any minute now at this point.  So what happens?  Irrational Hormonal Girl arrives on the scene.  Yes, I started getting bitchy.  Granted - it was some what warranted since he was just playing around while I was sitting there, with several plans he had dismissed.  So I think to appease me - he agreed to go to Lake Geneva.  I felt bad that it was more like doing it to get me from bitching more, and as we started to drive there - I expressed my sadness in ruining our anniversary (sounding more hormonal? Yeah, gotta just love being a girl.  Yelling one minute, weepy and apologizing the next.)
Thankfully, since my husband is amazing.  And knows me well - he shook it off as nothing was ruined and started cracking a few jokes.  By mid- hour drive up- I was feeling good and happy once again to be married to such a wonderful, understanding man.  So we had lunch overlooking the lake (and the carriage ride horse) while (typical of us) mocking poor strangers in secret.  I don't know why we find such fun in making jokes to each other about the people around us.  We're like the last episode of Seinfeld, and I will not be surprised if one day we are caught and thrown in jail.  LOL.

our view from lunch table

After an hour of walking around, enjoying the 72 degree day, we agreed we're not 'tourist town shoppers' an called it a day.  Once home from our scenic drive home through fields of cow pastures and picturesque barns, we stopped for BOGO Frappachino's at Starbucks.  And then to his parent's to see the progress of the bathroom remodeling.

Then home for an hour to relax before a most amazing dinner at Bone Fish Grill.  We both had the lump crab/corn chowder soup, shared an ap of Bang Bang Shrimp before I got "Diablo Shrimp Fettuccine" (too spicy, yet so delish!  Jeff finished if for me the next day since it was just too spicy for me).  And Jeff had some Talapia dish.  

All in all, a lovely anniversary.  Happy Third Year Baby!

What to do? What to do?

So as I explained in my last blog, we're planning to buy flight tickets for Vegas on Friday (aka Payday).  But our anniversary is tomorrow (6/13) and we're at the tale end of payment cycle.  Meaning? Low on cash!  We have about $100 to spend on Anniversary day.

We plan to go out to dinner at Bone Fish Grill tomorrow night, which works out great because Wednesday is $5 Bang Bang shrimp night.  Score!  I will both probably get a bowl of lump crab and corn chowder soup and an order of Bang Bang.  Plus a alcoholic drink for each of us dinner will still only be around $40-45! Sweet.

But admittedly that means we have limited means for what to do all day.  Now, we love to lay around the house doing nothing...but c'mon. We do that enough.  I want to get out!  Enjoy the nice weather!  (It's supposed to be about 72 here tomorrow, so not too hot!)

Too many of my ideas are either a) too expensive b)too far away or c) might hurt do to my stupid tennis elbow.

So, my ideas have dwindled down to these.
Idea #1:  We can rent bikes at our local bike shop and ride the trails (I have a bike but Jeff does not.  Plus my bike is in desperate need of a tune up).  Possible cost? $10 for rentals.  Plus cost of lunch and bottles of water. $40 max.   Problem?  We both don't work out as much we should so I don't know that either of us could bike more than say....an hour.  Up Side?  We live in a river valley and the trail for several miles is along the river.  Pretty to look at.  And both our downtown and the next town down the river have cute little places for lunch.

Idea #2:  We drive an hour north to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.  Cute little touristy tour with shops, lake, etc.  Could spend about two hours walking around and throw lunch in there.  Possible cost? Just the cost of Gas, lunch, and if we buy any trinkets.  Problem? Do we really want to spend two hours in the car? IDK.  Up Side?  It's a very pretty area, walking is free.  We've never gone up there to just wander around, only for group dinner or to see the ice Sculptures in winter.

Idea #3:  Three Oaks Rec Center Lake/Beach/Etc.  Just four miles up the road is a new place that used to be a gravel pit they turned into a lake & recreation area.  They have touring motor boats (think row boat with small engine) for $22 for two hours.  That also gets you free admission to the beach.  And there are several walking paths on edge of the lake.  Possible Cost?  $27 for parking and boat Another $15 for lunch at Culvers (the chain they have their for food).  totals $42.  Problem?  The lake is not very big so can we really spend two hours just wandering around since we won't be fishing?  Jeff doesn't like laying out at a beach so aside from boating...Don't know that he'd really enjoy it.  Up Side? Very Close.  No physical work out to worry about.  We've never been there.

Idea #4: Hammond, Indiana.  If you're from Chicagoland you're probably like "What?! Why?!"  Hear me out.  They have an area called Wolf Lake within walking distance of Lake Michigan (from my understanding).  You can rent Kayaks and Canoes for just $5.  No parking fee.  There is both Wolf Lake, and their area on Lake Michigan...and finally...Jeff mentioned the other day that he needs to get 20 points at a Harrah's casino before his "points expire" in order to get us free hotel room for two to three of the four nights we'll be in Vegas.  Possible Cost? Well, first there is the gas to get there, then $5 for a canoe, then lunch, then gambling for probably an hour.  I have a strong feeling we would spend $60 easy here.   And then be cutting it close at dinner.  Problem?  Clearly, the cost.  And it's over an hour away.  UpSide?  If we time it good, we can grab lunch on the way at a place called "Paradise Pup" in Des Plaines that has been featured a few times on the food network that we've wanted to check out...and that's cheap.  We've get outdoors, and casino - which we like.  And if we win a little at the casino, we can play longer.  Plus since we'll need to play at some Harrah's property before August...why not.  Oh right, the money.

Since Jeff is out of town until after 10pm tonight I guess we will be making the decision tomorrow morning.  (And see if he came up with any ideas himself since he's been thinking on it too...he just hasn't had my time to research so it's whatever is in his head).  I'll fill you in later how we spent the day.

Vegas Dreaming...

So if you remember my post a few weeks ago, I said we had nothing to look forward to this summer.  And that alas, the bonus and raise Jeff got in March helped a lot.  But still not enough to pay for a vacation.  Or so we thought....

Thankfully, with his raise, my raise & promotion. etc.  And having paid off a few more bills back in March... we find our selves with a few hundred more a month then this time last year.  And I started daydreaming about trying to save up to go to Vegas in October for Jeff's birthday.  I didn't tell him because I wanted to see if in June we would actually have the money to save (because as we all know, things have a way of popping up).  Even with my dad's birthday presents, our anniversary, and fathers day this month....

Jeff didn't know I had this idea.  No one did.  Because I didn't tell anyone.

Two days later what does he do?  Start looking at flight prices to Vegas in October (the day after his birthday to be exact).  Hmmmm.....great minds think alike!  Clearly, we are meant for each other.

So I told him my idea.  And told him - let me look at finances on Thursday and see if we can swing it.  Well, with how things look, it will be a little tight.  But we can buy the flight on the 15th, (Fingers crossed the tickets stay this cheap for the next 8 days.  They are under $500 for the two of us).  And we'll get four nights hotel for only $150 total because it's a Sunday-Thursday stay and Jeff has Harrah's points to bring down the prices.  Then we'll have four months to save up fun money.  And this is when we start dreaming....

Now, I'm not talking of dreaming about hitting it big.  Because let's be realistic.  That's not going to happen.  Jeff has been to Vegas probably seven times in his life.  And he's won $3,000 in his biggest one-time win.  And I've won twice, two decent pots.  Both in Reno...one trip was $650, another was $1,000. (Both on slots, not table games).  For Jeff's last day there for his bachelor party, he won $800 in craps...but that was after we'd left $1500 in the town.  So let's face it.  Most times we gamble, we lose.  That's the way the house is set up.  What we are paying for in entertainment.  And is it sad the amount of fun we get from this...yes.  But we do, so I don't question why.  It's a small form of adrenaline junk without risking our neck by jumping out of a plane (although, I'd still like to do that someday).

No...the dreams I'm talking about is simple Vegas dreams.  Going to really good restaurants like Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill.  Or Emeril's.  Seeing the Fountains at Bellagio's again.  Walking through Cesar's and making Hangover jokes while drunk so that Jeff and I are tearing up from being so silly.  And seeing things I did not get to see on my one and only trip to sin city.  Actually staying on the strip (instead of old downtown on Freemont street, although I would like to see the Freemont experience once again).  Making it all the way down to Paris and New York, New York instead of staying around the middle of the strip the whole time.  Going on the rollercoaster.  Having a double at Fatburger.  You know, Vegas Stuff!!!

And so what am I saying?  I'm saying we do have something to look forward to afterall.  We will have a vacation this year.

Tennis elbow, and how it's fucking up my world...

Since the Fall/Winter of 2009 I have been working at Target.  And not more than two months after starting to work there, I developed tennis elbow.  The first time it happened - I got a cortisone shot...pain went away.  And I told work about it as to file a workers comp claim.  (My husband works in workers comp for an insurance company BTW).  They told me no, because sale floor as opposed to cashier, is not a repetitive stress job.  Really?! Because I do the same damn thing every frickin' day.  That's not repetitive stress?  WTF. Anyway, I told my husband and he said "That's bullshit".  But we let it go, figuring everything would be fine.

Seven months later, pain returned.  And I was reminded before that the cortisone shot only masks the pain, doesn't cure it.  Instead of giving me another shot, I was given several months physical therapy and an anti-inflammatory.  Those didn't really touch the pain much at all.  So I was given another shot.  (Each time with my husband saying, I'd need surgery if it didn't stop.)  But each time, the shot worked for 6-7 months and when I'd go in for another my doctor says "You're not bad enough for surgery."

Today, however, she would not give me a shot.  Because this time the shot only lasted from March 7th to about two weeks ago.  It's not even been 3 months.  She gave me a script for a different anti-inflammatory to see if this one would work better.  And told me instead of just an arm band at work, I'd need to wear a wrist guard and the arm band all the time.  And for the next month to be off cashiering and not lift over 15 lbs.  Well, I have cashier duties three times in the next week, and part of my new position...is managing the checklanes twice a week.  While this promotion is good, it also means hoping on the checklanes when they're busy to help out.

I went to work to give them the doctors note and see what we could do to change around my cashier hours and was told, this means I also can't really perform my regular Managing duties either.  And had I considered a leave of absence for the month of June to let it try to heal.  Otherwise they might really have to do some creative wiggling around to see if I can do any job on the sales floor.  I told her I'd need to discuss it with my husband because it was a shock to me and I didn't really know if we can swing me not working for a month (which was my fear of if I need surgery, because I'd be off work for at least two months with no paycheck).  So we agreed I'd come in tomorrow with my decision.

So I called Jeff while driving home and he was getting upset.  Mainly about how this not being a workers comp claim has been bullshit from the beginning and that we should get a lawyer and file a claim so that I could get surgery, and be paid to be off work for recovery.  I'm concerned of a) how long with that take?  b)What if we lose? How will I be treated at work if I sue them? etc. etc.  And What do we do in the meantime?   We agreed to talk more about it tonight when he got home, but  now I'm depressed of WTF should I do?  None of us have a crystal ball to see the future of if by just taking a month off work would cure it.  Jeff doesn't even believe I will rest it at home...because he knows I cook and clean etc. etc. and it all uses my right arm.  I don't know if a month off will do much good either.   What I do know is while I don't make much, I still do bring in over a grand a month to help with bills.  And I fear if I don't take a leave, and they have to find things I can do...does that mean my hours per week drop dramatically because there are so few things there that don't involve bending my wrist or lifting?  And by losing my promotion, do I lose the raise too?  It'd almost be best if they'd fire me so I could get unemployement while looking for a non physical desk job.  But I don't know how to make that happen.  And if I became unemployed, can I even find a job in this economy?  I've looked slightly over the past two years here and there and so many times I've sent dozens of resumes out without even word that they got it.  And a handful of interviews when I'm told I'm one of several hundred resumes.  And obviously I have not gotten a job from any of them.  If I could get back in with a temp agency, and get a temp to perm job I think I'd find something but we just don't have the money for me to stop working at Target to even attempt that right now.  I feel so helpless!

And the final kicker? I'm on my husband's insurance.  Not Target's.  So leave of absence doesn't pay.  Target has two tiers of insurance.  I'm currently eligible for the lower tier which is worse than my husband's.  So I have not used it.  If I had, I could get paid for the time off.  If my "average hours worked" from the start were over 30 hours then I could have the upper tier (which I'm told has infertility coverage).  But because when I first started working there, I had only about 20 hours.  And my week here or there of vacation counts as zero hours in my average I've not broken that 30 hour mark.  Today while we're discussing why I really wanted to go over that 30 hours so I could get the upper tier for infertility coverage (HR knows of my IF) she informed me that once you pass three years, you can get it no matter what your average hours are.  So that means come Jan. 1 I can have that coverage.  That's great news!  I might be able to cycle next year without it coming out of pocket?!?! Why had no one told me this before???   BUT that makes it harder to think of getting another job, get one that might pay me more...or stick with this, and have unknown amount of IF coverage?  ((No one can really seem to answer me what kind of coverage they have...just that they "believe" it's good coverage of IF)).

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!  From the sound of Jeff and I's conversation so far.  I will need to tell them NO on leave of absence.  That I will be asking them to find work I can do.  And if they give me less hours, Jeff will seriously want to sue.  Or if my elbow continues to be a problem (which I can't see how it will get better)...he'll want to sue.  I don't know if being a lawyer makes him letigious.  Or being in workers comp makes him that much more sure of it being bullshit that I didn't let me file a claim.  Or what.

Great.  And now I have a headache.  I think I'm going to go lay down as this is just now rambling on...

Turn Back Tuesday - The sweet surprise of the awkward years

So fellow blogger and efriend Missie at Growing Up Geeky last week was talking about her  teen years and it got me thinking about those few years.  You know those years I'm talking about.  Those the awkward ones.  The years that almost no one looks good.  Because I was an early bloomer...for me those years are fifth, sixth and Seventh grade.  Ages 11-13.  The years of braces.  The years of acne before seeing a dermatologist (let alone learning makeup tricks to hide them).  The years of funny clothing choices.  The years of feeling like an outside in your own skin.  Yep, those years.

*Note, here is where I would stick a picture of my awkward self...except that I have just looked through scanned photos of my childhood that my father has passed on to me...and those years appear to be missing. Hhhhmmmm.   I guess none of us want the evidence of that time digitized LOL.   You have to take my word of what a mess I was.

I personally am very thankful of those years.  It gave me a sweet surprise at the end.  My friends.  Let me explain... In elementary school I had moved in the middle of first grade.  Not knowing anyone made me scared.  And quiet.  And for the next few years, I was myself at home but at school I was a bit of someone else.  I did what I thought was "right", what was "popular".  I did what would get me friends.  Then in fifth grade, my body started to change.  Well, if we're being honest it actually started happening in 4th grade...but I could hide my starting boobs beneath my clothes then.  And I started my period when I was ten.  But then fifth grade happened.  My boobs became noticeable, my acne started, I started (secretly) shaving my legs.  And I'll be honest....I started to have B.O as kids do.  My friends at the time started to distance themselves from me.  And by sixth grade they started to drop me as a friend all together.  So I reverted to my home style defense mechanism.  Sarcasm.  And not subtle sarcasm.  Mocking sarcasm.  Nothing deflects your pain, like making fun of others.  And if I had been picking on the nerd - this might have won me back into my former popular group of friends.  But I was mad at them.  And I was a nerd in my heart, I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, had comic books, I was in band, etc.  So who did I mock?  Yep, those popular girls that were mean to me.  And I started to make friends that I don't even remember noticing before then.  We didn't have the newest most fashionable clothes.  We were in band.  We all may have been going through our awkward stage.  But what I knew was that they excepted me, for me.  And they laughed at my jokes.  And it was OK to be silly around them.

And yes, by the end of 7th grade, I shed the ugly braces.  I saw a dermatologist.  I started wearing makeup to coverup the breakouts that came even with the meds.  I excepted that almost everyone had boobs by now (although, none as HUGE as my poor boobs), and shaved their legs.  I (thankfully) I started to remember to wear deodorant every day.  The one thing I didn't shed? My new found friends.  The end of the movie Stand By Me ends with Gordy saying "I never had any friends as good as the ones I had when I was 12.   Jesus, does anyone?"  I'm sure many would say yes.  But let me assure you, I am not one of them. Two of my best friends then, are to this day- - still my best friends.  I know I would have grown up a very different person if not for this troubled time in my life.