Nashville Trip and House Hunters

So I wanted to go back and recount our trip that I had talked about...
We had heard about the group bus trip to Nashville for the last regular season Blackhawk hockey game back in early December.  At the time, I was hesitant...would I want to be on a bus with 40 drunks while 6 months pregnant? But after the miscarriage I knew it was something to look forward to in the greyness that had consumed my head post loss - and it was.

So we had 44 people on a bus.  I won't go into all that went a little wrong on the way there except to say our bus driver had a bad GPS and no common sense causing what should have been an 8 hour trip leaving at 6am into a 10 hour trip leaving at 6:45am.  We hit both Chicago rush hour leaving and Nashville rush hour arriving.  But we made it.  And I had a few Bloody Mary's, jello shots, and vodka soaked cherries along the way to make the trip more enjoyable.

The game. OMG the game.  You would not believe how many Hawk fans too over Nashville.  It was a sea of red in that town and everywhere we went people would see us in our gear and yell out "GO Hawks!"  Our friend Skippy came through with awesome seats!  We were just six rows off the ice.  I was six rows away from my Hockey husband Patrick Sharp!!  I may have been *that* obnoxious fan for some of the game.  A Predator fan sitting in front of us made a comment about "Oh, he didn't get the puck, that's SAD."  as a play on words for a guy on our team named Saad.  I loudly stated "It's pronounced SOD you dumbass!" and got our whole section laughing.  Yes, we ended up losing 7 to 5 but it was a good game none the less.  And hell, we had already made it to the play off and they didn't.  And our two best players Kane and Towes were out injured so oh well.

And we bar hopped on Broadway.  You don't fully grasp the idea of "music town" until you've seen 11 band in just six bars in one night.  All amazing singers.  Here are a few shots from our adventure.

Us at the game

Us outside three story bar Honky Tonks Central

Look how close I was to Sharpie!!!

Up close of my hockey husband

And the big news from this week?
WE WERE APPROVED FOR A HOME LOAN!!!!
Yes - our six years of paying off all credit card debt (and it was huge people), Jeff's Law School Student loan, two cars, and over $35,000 in medical bills (over 20K in IF expenses) has finally put us in a financially stable spot.  Sometimes I think back and can't believe all the money we've shelled out these last few years to get us to this point but we did it!  The only debt we currently have is one car.  And we can now start HOUSE HUNTING!!!
Because we've lived here in our townhouse for over six years, and our landlord loves us and is awesome he is letting us make a deal with him since our lease is technically up in two weeks... We are signing a six month lease - but it has a clause that we can get out of it no problem with two months notice.  We figure with closing time and not having to pay the first month you own a house this is enough time.  So the search has begun!  But we're not in a huge rush as we know IVF is just around the corner and we can take our time since there is no crunch to get it done before our lease is up.  We hope to be getting a tour of a few we found on line already by this weekend or early next week.  This should be an interesting adventure.  I'll keep you updated for sure.

NIAW Video for 2014 and other things...

It's that time of year again dear readers!  It's National Infertility Awareness Week!

If you are wondering what the heck I'm talking about, you must be new around my blog or the IF world - check out previous April posts the last three years for great info, videos, etc if you want to see what I've done in the past or "come out" of the IF closet.

As for this year, I made my annual video (second year in a row where I'm honoring my support group).  But what's nice about this year, is as a group we're not just trying to raise awareness but we're also trying to raise money for Resolve.org.  It's taking that additional step!  Link to this years video

First up was Jamberry nail wraps.  A friend of one of my group made up a few designs to choose from with 20% of the proceeds going to our resolve fundraising.  A handful of us I think got them, I can understand not everyone wants to wear their "advocacy" on their nails all out and proud if you will.  But me?  My nails have become like billboards these last few months.  I did four leaf clovers for St. Pats.  And last two weeks for the Blackhawks trip? Please (Man, I should do a whole other blog post on that trip).  So these is what I picked - the "graffiti" design.  My right thumb has "Infertility" "Warrior" stamped on it - LOVE IT!  And I'm sure I'll have people ask about my nails, as they always do when I have something different...so this just gives me an opportunity to talk to even complete strangers during NIAW.

Next the Auction & Donation pages.  If you are on FB look for us as:  75Strong Supporting Resolve.
There are items up for bid (Bidding starts on Friday the 25th of this month)  There is jewelry, cookies, wall art, even a Coach clutch, etc donated to the auction.THIS is a link to that facebook page.  For straight up donations you can find us HERE.  I joked that even if just us in the 75 strong each donated $15 we would exceed our goal!  But we're hoping to get outside donations as well - and we also know some in our group are dealing with financial hardships from IF costs or cancer treatments, divorce, etc what have you.  So even if all you can give is $1 - every dollar helps build toward our goal.

This money will go to Resolve.org and then be matched.  And the money is specifically for setting up support groups throughout the country.  So others can know the love and support like I feel from my girls.  WOOHOO!!

So happy for NIAW!  While it's something that comes from immense pain, it makes me feel so good inside to know that our pain can turn into something good.  The silver lining if you will.

So I've got my video, my nails, my FB and Instagram posts, our group's auction & fundraising, and I shared our story to another loss gal's NIAW blog-swap.  (Will post a link when it's up).

I am feeling EMPOWERED!

A Little "Catch Up" on March

So a week ago I had five vials of blood drawn.  I went in thinking I was just getting the Natural Killer Cells test done but it turns out they said I needed my prolactin, thyroid, syphilis and a few others done - so OK, at least it was just one blood draw instead of having to come back for more...but five vials? Well, at least I didn't need to fast I guess.  I have to say, I'm happy I give good blood.  I hear of people being nightmare sticks - and I can say I'm 99% of the time and easy gal to get blood from and really don't mind it.

That said, I got the call on Wednesday that everything came back fine except I'm a "little on the low end" for vitamin D.  Umm HELLO - we've had the worst winter of my entire life.  I have hardly seen the sun in five months, I'm not surprised!  Mine came back at 29.  Normal range for average human is 20-50, but for IVF they like it above 30.  Yep, I'm off by one stinking point.  So OK, I'll pop another pill if that's what's needed.  For anyone keeping track, that makes nine pills a day BEFORE I evens start prepping/stimming for IVF#2.  My medicine cabinet is starting to really look like I should be an 80 year old named Merle.

My nurse also said that my RE is on vacation (dude, you just had a month off for shoulder surgery...now you take a week off??)  But anyway, she said the on-call doc for my office looked at my NK cells test and it was "Around normal" but she'd prefer Dr. Jacobs to look at it before giving me the all clear.  "Around" normal sounds damn similar to being 29 instead of 30 on vitamin D so I guess we'll see what J thinks.  Personally I'm in the "It can't hurt" camp for getting the infusion IV of intralipids, but it would of course like everything else mean more $$$$.  But if it keeps me from miscarrying if I get PG again, obviously Bring it on!  Merle likes her drugs.

So for now the plan is baseline and start BCP after next period - which should come in Mid April right after our Nashville trip.  I'll be on them a little longer than before since we need to time it out for stims to start the last week of May. It's coming up fast!  Be here before you know it.

As for Non TTC things.  St. Pat's Pub Crawl was a blast.  And this weekend I have a four day weekend for my self imposed Spring Break. Tonight is Girls Night.  Followed tomorrow by an overnight stay at Blue Chip Casino with the hubs.  As I mentioned in an earlier blog, with DH's annual bonus two weeks ago we paid off his car, all med bills, last of the credit cards etc. that we're now sitting pretty and next week I'll be making the call to see if we can qualify for house hunting or if we'll be signing a lease for our seventh year in our townhouse.  Has it really been that long?!?

Oh, and I started working on two video ideas for NIAW - one is a new version of my love letter to the 75 strong.  I decided to redo one instead of updating the old one as we're all in such different places now that we can't just fit into "Moms, Treatment, Other" categories - and I think I've come up with a really good story board for it, so I hope I can do my vision justice and show them my love (since I'm better at doing it this way than with words).  I'm also working on one that is "Our Journey".  I've always held off because I didn't want to make this until we were parents; but IDK I feel like this year it would be cathartic with the loss but I might change my mind and still hold off on it.  We'll see.

Totally Braggin'

So I don't just say this sort of thing to random stranger, but I want to say it!

We are credit card debt free!  For the first time since I was 20.  That's 16 years and over I don't want to admit how much money.  Last year we paid off three of my last four, and this week we paid off my last one (and the two smaller ones Jeff has had this past year to build up credit history).  AND we paid off his car (eight months early!).

Oh, and on the bragging front; Yesterday I did taxes (paid and filed), built a bookcase, dishes, laundry, got my nails done, grocery shopped, and made a delish new recipe for dinner.  I was on FIRE the past two days.

And now....I'm spent.  I had to work 8 hours today after two nights of bad sleep and two days of go, go, go!  So I'm exhausted.  But with a smile on my face.  Of all the "Year long goals" I set for us for 2014 in January we accomplished in just two months.  The last one of setting up an emergency fund is in the works.  Go us!

Why I feel justified to be an idiot

So the last six weeks or so, I've been an idiot with alcohol.  No, don't worry - I'm not being an alcoholic.  I'm only drinking one to two days a week.  And one of those nights a week is just two beers on Thursday nights after work at Jeff's bowling alley.

Why I *am* an idiot is why I'm doing it.  It's the loss.  I'll fully admit it.  I shouldn't be able to drink right now.  I should be a happy pregnant woman having not had a drink for five months now.  Instead I'm staring down starting IVF again in two months.  I should have a big old baby belly.  Instead I have those five lbs I keep gaining and losing every week - not able to motivate myself to make any really progress because I'm eating and drinking my feelings.

But let me just say - as the title of this blog entry says.  I feel justified.  It is probably one of the most common forms of coping in the loss world.  Is it smart? No.  Is it healthy? No.  Does it help?  I gotta say, on some level - hell yes.  I honestly think I have not been a mess these last two months because I have really been able to let loose, and just try and enjoy the moments.  Yes, I'm drinking to get to the point of giggling at mundane things.  But you know how therapeutic it is to simply forget for a while?  It's awesome.

So yes, I was an idiot yesterday and went on a six hour pub crawl when it was 40 degrees out *while* having a head cold.  A smart person would have said "I'm sick, I should stay home." But me?  I knew it was an experience to really let go.  And we had a blast.  I'm possibly sicker now because of it.  But oh well.  I feel totally justified.

Brooke's Walk of Hope & Arlene's passing

First off, I told a friend I would do this on Monday but it's been a hard week so first let me say I'm sorry it's taken me until today to do this.

My #75strong friend Brooke is the co-leader of this year's Walk of Hope put on by Resolve to help raise awareness for infertility and raise funds.  I know my blog following is small, but on the off chance anyone of you reading is near the AZ area here is information on this free event.  Learn more HERE!!  The walk is only a few weeks away on March 22nd.  I'm so proud of Brooke's involvement not only with this event, but her peer-lead resolve group meetings, going to DC for Advocacy Day, and so much more.



As for my hard week...
My friend Arlene passed away Sunday night/Monday morning after her four year battle with cancer.  We'd heard on Saturday that she wasn't expected to make it through the week, but it still hit like a ton of bricks.  Nothing can really prepare you for a beautiful 44 year old woman leaving this world too soon.

I met Arlene seven years ago as she was on Jeff's bowling team.  To someone meeting her for the first time she could be a bit intimidating (which is what some people say of me).  But this chick was a badass truck driver for goodness sake!  But without hesitation, she welcomed me into the group and confided in me that no one ever liked Jeff's previous long term relationship but they could tell almost instantly that I was truly his other half; the female version of Jeff.  I will be forever grateful that she made me her friend and not just "Jeff's girlfriend" from the start.  Because of this I got to know a wonderful, funny, strong, independent group of women that called themselves the Ya-Yas.  In their friendship I got an outside view of what the "blonde squad" (My group of close friends) must look like to others.  Sure they have their inside jokes and stories they love to retell - but more than anything you saw the love these friends had for each other.  And I was invited to go on their girls weekend fishing vacations (although could not afford it with our treatments).   Her smile was infectious.  Her jokes were hilarious.  Her love of the Cubs was...well something to be made fun of in only the way good friends that are cross town rivals can do.  I've gotten to know her kids, grandchild, and mother.  I don't know anyone else whom I'm not related to, that I can say I know four generations of their family.  And while I'm sad that we had not seen each other much the last two years since that bowling league disintegrated and as her battle with cancer got harder - I am thankful for ever laugh we shared together and that I got to know such an amazing person and call her my friend.  This past September, even frail as she was she insisted on having a backyard BBQ and everyone just sat around telling stories and laughing.  I can still see her there.  Sitting on a cooler, beer in her hand, Cubs shirt on, broad smile across her face.

Her wake is this afternoon and her funeral is tomorrow.  Her family has asked for the wake, that people wear their Cubs gear (formal attire for the funeral).  Jeff asked "What should we do?"  I laughed, because I know Arlene and her entire family will know and understand as Sox fans we do not own anything Cubs.  But to show our love, we have found shirts in true "Cubbie Blue" color.  While many tears will be shed, I know in true Arlene fashion - there will still be stories.  So many stories!  And laughs through the tears.

Me with a few of the Ya Yas.  (Me, Cher, Jackie, Dottie & Arlene)

I speak a forgien language

So often I just get comments from those who I know exactly who you are.  (And those of you, I love when you add your bump signin name if your blogger name appears different).  Well my last post I got a comment an hour ago from someone, I'm not sure who they are.  But that's OK.  If people find my blog organically through serching for IF information, all the better.  Helping a larger group of people.

That said, Char - I tried to de-code myself in a comment in my last blog post so I hope that helps explain myself.  And that was a wonderful reminder!  I used to try and spell things out and not use acronyms as much as possible so that it flowed but over the years it's just become so habit forming!  But more than just the answer I wanted to reach out that if you are not already a memeber of The Bump's Infertility Forum, as you look towards IVF I say "Please come join us!"  And so I'm not mysterious; here is a direct link!

http://forums.thebump.com/categories/trouble-ttc

If you (or others reading this now, or in the future) need a support group of people who "get it", want to read of others journeys, or are just a seriously creepy stalking LOL.  After you create an account, you can post.  But until then you can "lurk" (message board lingo for look around) this give you a chance to read questions from others, get a feel for the board, etc.

When there is a group doing IVF in a certain month - they come up with a name for their group and have bi weekly checkins to see how everyone is doing.  From about a month leading up to the IVF to a month after.  It's wonderful!  I was part of the "Precious Pumkins" for October's IVF and then the "Harvest Hopefuls" for Nov. FET.  And more than just check ins for IVF, there are questions about everything, "get to know you" GTKY posts, posts for those on a break (AKA sitting on the bench), and many other things!

And if you are someone who found me from searching for miscarraiges, same hold true only for the TTCAL board!  Wonderful groups of women.  I'd say about a third of my facebook friends are people I met on one of the four forums I've been a part of on the bump.  And I've now met, 20 people in real life that I first *met* on the bump.  (Don't be freaked out, you will never be forced to meet anyone in real life if you're not comfortable) but after *knowing* someone for a year or more on the boards, it's great when you live in the same area or - like my trip to Reno - if you are traveling and can have a wonderful lunch with one of your "girls".

Hell, this Friday I am going to dinner and karaoke with four of them that I met back in fricking 2011!  I can't wait to see Megan, Julie, Kate, and Casey again.

So yes - dear followers this is a PSA that started as a hand reached out to one person.  But with the hopes of maybe reaching others who don't comment.  You read silently because they are looking to find where they "fit".  I'd hate to think what it would have been like these years with out you.  <3 p="">