My emotional suit of armor broke yesterday

So it turns out I am not as strong as I thought.  I have prided myself on how well I've handled IF for the past year and a half (TTC 29 months, 36 cycles). I only POAS about one in three or four cycles.  I've only cried over BFNs three times in the past year.  I work surrounded by pregnant women, babies & children five days a week without it getting to me.  I never cry over silly reasons...only have I cried over a BFNs, one of my friends announcing pregnancy, and tear up at weddings etc. I thought I was so strong.  WRONG! 
Yesterday one of my 3T lovlies (sbrowns) posted about how old a child she would have if her first IUI had worked.  I honestly had not thought about that for a long time.  If I had gotten KU the first cycle of TTC we would have a 19 month old toddler.  If I had gotten PG off our first IUI I would be like 38 weeks PG.  Ouch.  Just then, as I was thinking about this my SIL responded back to a text I had sent her the night before about my nephews christmas gifts.  Since it took her over 12 hours to respond I had already ordered...only to find out they already had what I had picked out for them.  I got upset.  Like really upset.  Then I realized why I was so upset. 
It's not because I'm out the $10 in shipping costs, or that these kids are spoiled.  It's because for the past  12 years I have been enjoying part of Christmas through the eyes of my five nephews.  I take pride in the time & effort I put into thinking about their personalities, current interests, etc into choosing their gifts.  I love to see the look on their faces and yes, I'll admit - I love being thought of as the coolest aunt.  On my side my nephews have four other aunts.  And on DH's side- two.  So I have lots of competition.  But these past two christmas' it's like I am doing this in part because I don't have a child of my own to shower with presents.  I'm not saying I spoil them.  They only get one to two gifts per child.  And usually it's around $30 per kid.  But it's a very well thought out gift.  I've been compensating for my lack of child. :( 
And so upon realizing this on my way to work I started to cry.  Then I started to scold myself for crying.  Then I felt stupid, both for why I was crying and for scolding myself (like my mother would do to herself - talking to myself in the third person.  ie "Kati, this is so stupid. Stop it right now!).  Now it's only a four mile drive to work so it was a short cry.  But still.  Then when I got to work I saw I was scheduled for 6am on my birthday.  Then I got down right  pissed off!  I was almost glaring at anyone with a bump or child in the store.  *So if you are ever at a target and get a mean looking woman sneering at you...it might be me on a bad day.*  But thankfully after a few hours I calmed down and became myself again.  And even got someone to take the first four hours of the shift on my birthday.  But still...the chink in my armor was there.  For me to see.  I thought I was so good at not letting IF take over my holidays... but I'm not fine.  I'm me.  And even I can't go through this time of year unscathed.