Why I feel justified to be an idiot

So the last six weeks or so, I've been an idiot with alcohol.  No, don't worry - I'm not being an alcoholic.  I'm only drinking one to two days a week.  And one of those nights a week is just two beers on Thursday nights after work at Jeff's bowling alley.

Why I *am* an idiot is why I'm doing it.  It's the loss.  I'll fully admit it.  I shouldn't be able to drink right now.  I should be a happy pregnant woman having not had a drink for five months now.  Instead I'm staring down starting IVF again in two months.  I should have a big old baby belly.  Instead I have those five lbs I keep gaining and losing every week - not able to motivate myself to make any really progress because I'm eating and drinking my feelings.

But let me just say - as the title of this blog entry says.  I feel justified.  It is probably one of the most common forms of coping in the loss world.  Is it smart? No.  Is it healthy? No.  Does it help?  I gotta say, on some level - hell yes.  I honestly think I have not been a mess these last two months because I have really been able to let loose, and just try and enjoy the moments.  Yes, I'm drinking to get to the point of giggling at mundane things.  But you know how therapeutic it is to simply forget for a while?  It's awesome.

So yes, I was an idiot yesterday and went on a six hour pub crawl when it was 40 degrees out *while* having a head cold.  A smart person would have said "I'm sick, I should stay home." But me?  I knew it was an experience to really let go.  And we had a blast.  I'm possibly sicker now because of it.  But oh well.  I feel totally justified.