Looking Back - EED Aug 7th

Continuing to catch y'all up on the last few months since I've been gone - I owe it to myself and my little boy to talk about how his estimated due date went.

First I'll say I was dreading it, like I'm sure any loss mother feels.  But I also knew that my edd changed several times in the few weeks I was pregnant - based on online calculators vs how FETs work and my doctors.  So I was never really given a single "this is the day" - so I kind of thought of that whole week but had decided I would take the middle day of all the dates I was told and make it my unofficial EDD.  That was Aug.7th.

Since my mother was coming to visit the next day, I had spent a whole week super cleaning our townhouse but made a schedule specifically so that I could have the 7th to fall apart if needed and everything would be already done by then.

As I had with my first loss's EDD, I wanted to go out and photograph the beauty in the world as a visual memorial for the day my child should have been born.  I had decided that I would take my favorite picture or two from each of those two days and once we get our house, frame and hang them in one of the guest bedrooms.  To others - it will just be beautiful nature shots.  But to me it will have a special place in my heart.

I went to five different locations to take pictures.  All overlooking water - for some reason these types of places have always been the most soothing to me.  Since last time I had spent a good portion of my time sitting and crying, I expected the same.  But every place I went there were people; it was just too beautiful a day to not be out enjoying it I guess.  And finally, at the last location I found myself alone.  So I sat down and thought about my lost child, and all the dreams that couldn't be realized because he was not to be.  And yes, finally a few cathartic tears feel.  But more than that - I found myself at peace.  A little sad, sure.  But nothing like I had thought would be coming.

The serenity of just sitting there, looking out over the water - remembering that it was no one's "fault" - -that it just was.  Taking a few deep breaths I realized I was doing pretty good.  As I've told my mother - I'm sure New Years will be hard on me as that's the day I physically passed my son, and that these past nine months I've had hard days (mother's day came to mind)...but I feel I'm handling the loss - and subsequent moving forward child free better than I expected.  And that knowing.  Knowing that I was mentally doing well, knowing that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness of infertility and loss closer and stronger for it.  Well, I just can't describe the peace.  But I then headed home.  Feeling I had honored my son and that he in turn had given me that beautiful day.  A day filled with sunshine and very little tears.  And for the rest of the day I just held on to the remembrance of love and hope I had when I did have him in my life.