My Kryptonite - doctors

So the past four months I've had to tell various people that we are done with trying for a child.  You could say it's my own fault for being so open with people about our trying and IF.  But that's who I am.  I came from a mother who we call "tells you more than you want to know" (because she's the type in a grocery store line that will chat up the stranger behind her and the cashier).  Case in point...when she was visiting me in August we went to Tar get (where I work) to get her buttermilk.  I didn't see any so I had to ask two coworkers for help.  She started telling them she needed it to keep from getting canker sores in her mouth. MOM!  Stop it!  But I digress - I'm sure this is one reason why I am so open.

So as I was saying, I'm fairly used to telling people about our fertility journey and now the end of it.  In fact, I'd say I have a 'party line' when people ask.  I say "After five years, six IUI cycles, two IVFs, one FET, two miscarriages, and over $30,000 - we're done."  It's like it's my defense response because I feel if I lay out just how long, all we did and what we spent - then they'll think I didn't give up without a fight.  Like I want to feel justified in ending.  Now of course this often leads to a bit more conversation than this one sentence - but I've handled it great...

That is until I'm faced with a doctor.  I don't know why they are my kryptonite; but they are.  I start talking to them, giving them the party line - and tears start streaming down my face.  Which tends to lead to move conversation on it, and more tears.  And it's like a snowball - if they stopped talking, I could wipe the few tears and go back to being fine but the more they probe the more the tears flow.

But I love my GP.  We were doing my annual physical and then she asked and I told her.  And we talked.  And finally she ended the conversation with what I believe to be true  - Well, you're not depressed - you're in mourning.  BOOM.  She got me.  Talk about an A-HA moment.   I had earlier been talking about work and house hunting, and just - life.  And I am fine and happy with life.  I am not depressed.  But I am still in mourning.  It'd be like if you talked to a person about their grandma dying - it's sad, but you had seen it coming for a while.  Doesn't mean you don't feel joy in much of your life, just if you bring up that topic I'm still mourning.

In one of my groups, COA there was an update thread.  And I was sort of bragging on how well we're doing with moving on child free.  I can't help it.  I really feared I would be a mess.  I considered starting therapy - as there is nothing wrong with asking for help when needed.  And I'm not saying I'm stronger than others for not needing it.  And every now and then I still think maybe I should have.   But I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm really fine without it.  Just every now and then, I'm in mourning.