A different kind of guilt

I've had IF guilt.

I've had loss guilt.

Now I have a whole different kind of guilt.  The I'm doing good guilt trip.

I see so many of my IF and or loss friends having a hard time this time of year and it breaks my heart.  I wish I had some kind of advice - but I know that since everyone handles loss, IF, depression, whatever different I don't know what to say aside from I am so sorry they are hurting and offer hugs.  And then I self question - am I really doing ok?  Yes, I really believe the first few months were the worst and the healing process for me has been progressively better as each month passes.  I even believe that because we've moved beyond the "what if" phase has helped - being child free for me had the benefit of lifting the weight of "what if?" off my shoulder.  And then I feel guilty.  Do these loss women love their lost little ones more than me?  Do these other women with four to six years of infertility under their belts too get the holiday blues from some gene I'm missing?  Hell even my SIL who didn't face IF and has two children said she can't get in the holiday spirit.

 And then here I come - humming Christmas tunes, in a genuinely cheerful mood, 90% done with shopping and wrapping gifts, fully decorated home, full of holiday spirit that I feel like Buddy in the movie ELF.  And I can't help but wonder - did I bury the grief so deep in a secret hidden box that one of these days I'll just totally have a melt down?  Or did I get so hurt by IF and loss that I became a robot?  No - that's not true.  Those stupid Folgers Coffee commercials with a grandma and grandchild looking at ornaments still makes me tear up and then think "Lucky fuckers".  And yes, I'm dreading New Years Eve and Day because of it being the day I passed my son into this world.  (P.S. I'm still planning on drinking a shit ton to get through it.)  And I've already decided I will be finding someone to work for me that night/next day if I'm scheduled to work - hell I'll call in as mentally sick and tell them why if no one will take my shift - I don't give a rats ass.  I will be drunk or hung over.  But daily?  Jeff makes me laugh.  I love LOVE looking for that perfect gift for loved ones.  I love penguins in santa hats on wrapping paper.  I love flannel pajamas.  I love looking at the lights on in neighborhoods. I love having snowflakes painted on my nails.

I've seen others saying Christmas is best through the eyes of children.  And yes, I'm missing out on that.  But not fully.  I have five nephews.  I've been with them all for many a Christmas morning.  I wrote notes to Santa and left out cookies.  I've tracked his sleigh on Norad for them.  I get to see all the adorable pictures of my friends in little elf costumes and on santa's lap.

So to those of you who are having a hard time this holiday season - again I say I am so sorry you are hurting.  And I offer you creepy internet hugs as loving and squishy as they come.  But for people who think you need kids to enjoy Christmas - wrong!  I can and AM enjoying the shit out of this Holiday.  I still put on John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Album to decorate my tree and probably will until the day I die.  I will always look for wrapping paper with penguins on it.  I will play along with any kid who believes in santa and even insist to the ones that don't that we're leaving out cookies and milk.  Because damn it I did that before the grandkids came along when I was in my teens and 20s - just cause some are teenagers now don't poop on my holiday spirit.  I will watch Ralphie get his Red Rider BB Gun with a compus and a stock and this thing that tells time before going to sleep.  While there is nothing wrong with not having the holiday spirit - and I don't try to tell people to "move on" or "get over it" or "cheer up" - please don't make me feel guilty for having it.