Perimenopause thoughts and newly PMDD?

I have two bosses at work, one directly above me that is 5 yrs younger and one above her that is 13 yrs older than me. Because I wish there had been more warning, I am sharing (over sharing?) everything with younger boss so she knows what may lay ahead. I'm like the ghost of Christmas future telling her the horrors LOL. And am very thankful that older boss understands and says things like "we need to give you space for grace during this phase of life." So lets look back at the last five years so far shall we? It was exactly 5 years ago, summer of 2021 as a 43 year old that I had my first what I considered then, really late period. By two weeks (oh how naive). I took two pregnancy tests and thought "If I went thru six years of infertility treatment only to accept CFNBC and then get naturally pregnant at *this* age God has a cruel sense of humor." Jokes on me. that was the start. So the first two and a half years was just wonky cycles, swinging from 16 days to 45ish. And *maybe* ever so slightly moodier so I thought, I can totally handle this. The Jan of 2024 the hot flashes started. but just one or two a day and it was winter so I'd just step out into the Chicago cold. and after two or three months they seemed to stop. Oh that's it? Silly girl! March 2024 is when the rage kicked in. OK, instead of hot flashes now I want to kill two coworkers, one for constantly clearing her throat, another for constantly complaining things she could do something about. I tell myself it's just chemicals in my brain, this didn't bother me before so just get up and walk away before saying something you'll regret. After about 5 months the rage seems to have subsided but now my cycles are anywhere from 12 days (ugh!) to 50 so really eratic. But the second half of 24 seems fairly smooth sailing. 2025 the hot flashes are back but not as extream feeling, yet more often. so instead of one or two intense it's up to 8 a day but easier. And now my skin is getting ichy and dry. And I seem to often go 2-3 days without a bowel movement. I buy some fiber gummies which smooth that out. Lotion up a lot more. Cycles in 2025 are now 20 to 60 days and I've read after a 60 day cycle you're now in late peri. Part of me thinks "Yay, it's almost over!" but my brain also thinks - if it took almost 4 yrs to get here do I have ANOTHER 4 YEARS?!? November 25 I have spinal surgery (tons of previous blogs on this) and apparently that can kick off something I was not in any way prepared for. Possible PMDD. Now I think I mentioned in a previous blog that at my physical in December I told my doc I thought I was depressed and she said she thought it was situational due to surgery and being stuck at home. Well next day got period. This becomes a trend. But then my next period is not for 72 days so hard to notice a "trend". I'm back to work for over six weeks and I cry at work on a day in early Feb. I am NOT a crier. Especially not in front of others. WTF is going on? Oh, period hits next day. Start to talk about needing HRT with coworkers. I have always had easy periods. not really emotional, barely any cramps, light flow. Next period is 57 days later but I am on vaca for last day in Vegas and home for a weekend, so low stress. *But* this is the first time I experience what is termed as "flooding", look it up as it scared me a bit that Saturday. Had two full periods worth of blood in one day when I've been a very light flow gal for a decade. Next period is right at 29 days, but the three days proceeding it I cannot stop crying for no reason, have extream anxiety and feel like I suck and everyone hates me. I have never felt this down and it scares me. Also raging at younger boss after two days of crying at work when she says "at least it's Friday" and I snap back with "Who gives a fuck if you're in hell if it's a Friday or a Tuesday?!"😳 So much for telling my brin it's just chemicals and to keep your mouth shut. Thankfully after crying at work on Wednesday I called MD office and had appointment Friday. Cried to PA who brought up possible PMDD caused by surgery. Since I am a smoker, no HRT for me due to bloodclot, heart attack and stroke risks. So there's nothing you can do?! I cry in despair. She says prozac. This freaks me out immediately. But I spend the next 3 days talking to friends and researching. Turns out even my best friend without my knowledge is on lexapro; another SSRI. And for PMDD specificly Prozac is the first line of defense. And one of my main concerns was I read you should not drink on it. yet BFF, brother and 3 coworkers who are all on various SSRIs were all like "pfft, yes you can - just not a lot. And you might not feel great the next day if you drink like 4 or more drinks" OK, that's a rarity so I start that Tuesday June 2nd. Now I will say day one I took it at 630am and from 915 to 1045am I felt so jittery that it w a s like an IV main lining coffee. Read perhaps I should cut back on caffeine while on it. Cut back to just one cup of coffee and two pops that day and next. Day 3 forgot and have felt fine ever since with my normal caffeine intake. First two weeks I feel great! I had also started taking magnesium 90 mins before bed. I sleep through the night! This has not happened since I was like 40 (I'm 48). I just assumed as a woman you get to a certain age and you have to wake up and pee around 3am. Nope. Have not a single time in the last six weeks. I do not know if that's thanks to prozac, magnesium or a combo but OMG this has been the nicest, deepest sleep of my life. And things I kinda knew but hadn't fully realized were effecting me that much - like motivation. I had no problem with finding the motivation and energy for dishes and laundry etc. since starting prozac. I am going to make a whole other post soon about realizing what I always thought of as mild anxiety, was probably large. And how much better that is. But day 15 on med, I had another cry day (Ok 36 hrs) follwed two days later with period of just a single day of flooding again (cycle day 59). And then day 21 of med, I had a fight or flight day when I felt like something bad was gonna happen, I just didn't know what. I spent the whole day with my shoulders up around my ears in tension. So at 5 wk follow up told PA about those plus the sexual side effect of prozac can be inability to orgasm...I said, I can still cum but it's more like 'well that was lovely' instead of OMG! She decided to add Wellbutrin. So all this to say, the last 5 years have been a roller coaster. And since it just kept getting worse and worse, part of me wonders Jesus, What's next?! But every cryfest (except for the one that made me finally call a doc) has been a day or two prior to period. So PMDD seems right. But being five years into peri, when is it coming? No one knows. Last 9 months it's been as short as 26 days to as long as 72. So clearly it's lengthening. And my FSH basically says I'm menopausal. I guess I just have to wait between now (cycle day 30) and whenever next period decides to show up (possibly up to six weeks away) to see how this drug combo does next period. ETA a few factoids I forgot. Five years ago is also when my eyes took enough of a shit that trifocal contacts were needed and two years ago even that was too hard on my eyes/brain and had to start wearing readers. Three years since my hearing got so bad I got hearing aids. And the peri side effect of itchy ears is real and an extra torture if you have hearing aids in. But finally *and funny that I forgot it* BRAIN FOG. I thought it was bad last year but these last six months it has really stepped up. I forget mid sentence what I was going to say. I forget names of people and things. It feels like I'm headed straight to a demntia ward if not for reading alot that this is highly.common. And just what I found when googling that weekend before starting drug as I thought PA was a bit nutty for suggesting ACDF caused PMDD.