When you don't realize how bad your anxiety is...

So not until I was in early 40s did it even enter my radar that I might have anxiety. And it was a short reel from a comedian that made me realize it. But until this past fall I thought it was fairly mild, and in hindsight it was probably mid range. And I probably thought it was mild because it turns out I'm friends or related to or work with several others who have anxiety that when talking so many could relate to how I always thought thru worst case scenarios or like to plan and research everything. Only my boss saying, it sounds exhausting with how much you think about everything did it really occur to me that not everyone thinks this way. Then the spinal surgery just kicked it into massive high gear constantly. I didn't have intrusive thoughts before. Hell, I didn't even really fully understand what intrusive thoughts were until the month in pain leading up to the surgery. I had never thought of un-aliving myself but in that state of pain before meeting the surgeon when not sure what was wrong I did think; I can understand after time how someone could get to that point. And that scared me. There have only been two times in my life when I feel I was what could be classified as clinically depressed- final semester of college facing the uncertainty of life ahead and Mid Oct to Mid December this past fall dealing with the pain and surgery. Funnily both times I reached out with kind of a brush off. In college I called the health center for an appointment for mental health and they said they couldn't get me in for two months so I said forget it! and hung up. In December my PCP said it was situational and to just go for walks. No follow up. With the last few months suddenly crying for no reason (except to find out it's probably PMDD see pervious blog) I was even like, but my life is great. The pain has gone, I have bone growth at fusion (which was a massive worry last six months). This is clearly hormonal due to perimenopause. Because I have no reason to be depressed. But I suddenly felt out of control of my own self that it felt like a sudden deep downward spiral. But when PA prescribed prozac I still took 3 days researching it before accepting the idea of it. I had so many signs of PMDD and people eased fears as they were all on SSRIs that I was like 'wow, it's so many more friends than I thought. So this is why so many confirm my thought process - we anxiety people seem to find each other.' What I did not expect was how anxiety presented itself in me. The first night as I went to bed I lay there suddenly realizing I had no thoughts in my head. which then freaked me out a bit. So I was like "where did all my thoughts go? Can I still think? Pull up a memory - Rome, walking around with Jeff. Yep it's all there. Now think of something in the future you need to plan - Alaskan cruise. list of ports. activities. OK. I can come up with thoughts if I put my mind to it." Stopped thinking, and fell asleep almost instantly. Next day I said to Jeff, you know for falling asleep you've said 'just turn off your brain' and I'm like "my brain doesn't work that way"? Now I finally know what you mean. I came up with an analogy of my mind being a ballroom. And there are couples dancing all around me, and each couple is a thought. The room is wall to wall couples dancing and they each draw my attention for a moment until another couple catches my eye. And sometimes I have the couple repeat a dance move over and over with a spot light on them. But in his ballroom (brain) he is alone in the ballroom and can call a couple (thought) to dance for him. But he can also just say "tun off the lights, thats all for today." What?! And so because of suddenly not catastrophfizing or ruminating or having a billion thoughts all swirling around my brain (aka anxiety) I have had to get used to my brain being so quiet comparatively that for the first few weeks it just felt kind of blank. Empty headed. Stepford wives kind of robot almost. But so less anxious and best sleep in years. When out with two friends, one on an SSRI and one not and I described this analogy the one on the SSRI nodded as if yes, that is exactly it. And the other seemed to have a light bulb moment of "not everyone's brains is full of swirling thoughts all the time?" like without saying iut loud Do I have undiagnosed anxiety too? The last week I explained to PA as a follow up this feeling (and others). She also said my analogy was great. And we added Webutrin and I feel my thoughts are coming back at a normal healthy level. I feel like me. Not zombie me. But not highly anxious me. I went out last night and had such a light, fun night. It's hard to explain but like I hadn't been that chill in two or three years. When things build little by little by little, you don't realize how much weight you've had on your shoulders until it's all lifted off. I am a fluffy white cloud drifting along; instead of a dark rain soaked storm I had not noticed I had become.