IUI # 2 tomorrow & weepy thoughts

So I have not blogged in a while, might as well catch up a bit. We took a break last cycle because we were in Reno for the start of it. The trip was a great get away from life and TTC. We won a thousand dollars on a slot!
Then May 7th started the cycle of IUI #2. I took 50 mg of clomid cd3-7 and yesterday was my ultrasound. I have one follicle at "perfect" size, and two more that might ovulate as well if they grew enough yesterday and today. My lining was a bit thin (5.5) so I'm taking estrodiol for five days internally to help with that (oh what fun - yuck). I took the trigger shot this morning and have the IUI tomorrow at 8am. I am soooooo hoping this is it for us as it's our last on our HSA account. If we need to do 3 or 4, it will be a bit of a wait (probably three months each time) to save for the costs. **Thus my post just before this about OOP IF treatments getting a tax credit! Please write your senators!!!

Well as I was writing my personal message to Mark Kirk and Dick Durbin here in NW Chicagoland I go a bit weepy. I wrote in my personal message that it's heartbreaking every day to see pregnant women, baby pictures, little boys playing baseball, girls dace recitals, prom, graduation, and weddings knowing I may never experience this as a proud mom. **tears flow as I was typing** I'm sure it's the drugs and all but this was just tough.
As was watching How I Met You Mother this week. I just knew Lily was pregnant as soon as she thought she had food poisoning. And I teared up again. Dang hormones, I think Jeff just tried not to notice I was feeling a little too emotionally attached to a TV character.
And finally, I saw a post on my wonderful support group... 3T on the bump. It was called "compliment a Bumpie" and two ladies thanked me for being so supportive, informative and for putting together the facebook Post A Day for National INfertility Awareness week back in April. OMG did I tear up seeing that. It was several days old so I didn't get to personally thank them but my heart is overflowing with love.
I have several women that touched me - Chupie & SarahL back when I was on TTGP, Mari, Magnolia, Amber and Glow that thankfully have now moved on (shout out as they are all Chicagoland gals!!) and some of the regs that have been around as long as I have LGL, Ashleyann, Zook, Orange - - they are all so deserving. I am happy to be supportive for the newer gals and am getting to know and feel a kin-ship with so many of them, too many to list honestly, but I can't help but feel sad. Once again I feel like I'm being left behind...there are fewer and fewer women that I know I've known for these last two years. There are only like four or five of us left that have *always* been here. It's like going to college and everyone starts graduating. I feel like I'm the stupid kid in class because I can't seem to pass.
I really hope this is it, and someone else can be happy to miss me because I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

Legislation on Out of Pocket Infertility treatments!

The Senate has a bill on the floor S965 AKA the Family Act 2011 that will give a tax credit to those of us that are out of pocket on fertility treatments. This would be a HUGE help to those of us forking out thousands of dollars in order to fulfill our dreams of becoming parents. To all my followers and those who only stumble upon my page....please go to the resolve.org webpage to send an email to your senators to help make this bill a law.
**And for those of you my age you can now start singing "I'm just a bill, up on Capitol Hill." from School House Rocks! :)

Thoughts on Mothers Day

So Mothers Day is just around the corner. I've bought my mom a pedicure and mailed off her card, rescheduled work a bit to go to SIL's for bunch & hot tubing time with MIL, etc. But how do I prepare my heart for the day? Mothers day is just one day a year but infertility is *celebrated* every.frickin. day. (*can you hear the sarcasm oozing thru your screen?*) To add to the fun, this year Mothers Day should coincide with the start of cycle 26. That's right, I'll be getting my period when I'm already going to be in a heightened state of misery. At work, they give mom's a red rose. Last year they asked because they were not sure if I had children (thanks for that Target) and I swear if someone asks me on Sunday I may have to pull out a throat punch. I have to work from 5am to 10:30am, and head straight to SIL's brunch - tired and moody. But I am going to try and enjoy myself. Enjoy the mimosa's. Enjoy the hot tub. Enjoy the laughs my nephews bring. Now all I need to be prepared for is one of my FIL's notorious foot-in-mouth statements.
For those of you that are now moms, or pregnant and anticipating the arrival of your miracle, I wish you a wonderful and happy Mothers Day. And for those of us dealing with IF, I wish us a day without tears...and maybe filled with a little liquor and chocolate. :)

Yes, I get the irony!

So I posted the first day status on my "plan" (see two post below) for national infertility awareness week (NIAW). And several hours later I called my parents to wish them a happy Easter. My dad asks if I noticed a post he made and I told him "No, I have not been on facebook since this morning." He says "Well, mine is funny...not that mopey video like you posted. Did you notice that NIAW kicks off on a day filled with kids and EGGS!?! hehehe." Um - yeah dad, the irony is not lost on me. I explained that while Easter is not the same every year, NIAW is always the last week in April. It's not my fault it lands on Easter. And I told him some of the girls on the board were making cute jokes about their egg retrievals, ie the doctor went egg hunting and found 10...so yeah Dad, we all get it. Usually he's very supportive, and he did like the video even if he thinks it's "mopey". But sometimes ...aarrgghh! Pft! Fathers sometimes!

It didn't work

So after yesterday's temp drop, I just knew. I had a small sliver of hope but it decreased yesterday as the hours ticked on. By 4:30 in the afternoon I was spotting and by 9:30pm I had full on period. I cried enough yesterday that I think I may be all cried out over it. We leave for Reno/Lake Tahoe on vacation tomorrow morning for five days of drinking and gambling and seeing beautiful mountains. Because we're gone for cd3 testing we're just trying on our own this month, but since my cycles are so short (25-28 days) I should start another treatment cycle around May 9th with IUI around May 20th. Which is really not that far off at all. And I'm trying to remind myself what my doctor said: 90% of women get PG within the first 4 IUIs so one failed cycle just means we are that much closer to it working.

The PLAN!

Below is my plan for a facebook campaign during Infertility Awareness Week April 24th-30th. I still have Friday and Saturday to come up with but wanted to post to get input from others, either here or on the Bump... My creative juices (pun intended) seem to not be flowing. Help? Someone on the bump two weeks ago mentioned I should have a status mentioning how it's not just a women's problem...I seem to be having trouble writing this because while my husband is the one with issues, I don't want to "out" him as the one..anyone got any good wording for it? What else should be the final day? UPDATE: Thanks Kalichick for helping me come up with two more days. The plan is done!

1. Sunday April 24th: It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Did you know one in eight couples have trouble conceiving? To get a glimpse into those dealing with this medical condition, please watch this beautiful video from my fellow IF'er Keiko Zoll. http://www.vimeo.com/11214833




2. Monday April 25th: It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Sometimes asking a couple why they are not pregnant yet can be more insensitive then you think. Learn more about infertility etiquette here http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html



3. Tuesday April 26th: It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Did you know many couples feel "broken" or that they have "failed" at some point during their journey? Our fertility is due to medical conditions, nothing we've done makes this something we "deserve" . For an eye opening look into how it feels, take two minutes and read this: http://www.infertilityeducation.org/pdf/Infertililtyfeelslike.pdf


4. Wednesday April 27th: It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Did you know that while many insurance companies cover Viagra, that infertility tests and treatments are not covered? Can you imagine the hundred and thousands of dollars your friends might be spending to start a family? You can't put a price on a child's love, but many are willing (and do) go into debt to know this love. Tell your congressman this needs to be fixed! Infertility should be covered by insurance! https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml




5. Thursday April 28th: It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Did you know It can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive? Infertility is defined as a couple's inability to conceive after one year of trying. Problems can stem from many diagnosis including: PCOS, Endometriosis, thyroid or other hormonal imbalances, or Male Factor Infertility. Impatience is not a fertility issue! Think you may be dealing with one of these? Learn more at http://www.resolve.org/




6. Friday April 29th: It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Did you know that infertility effects both men and women? Of infertile couples, one third have issues on the woman's side, one third on the man's side, and another third have issues with both partners. Get answers to more FAQ at : www.womenshealth.gov/faq/infertility.cfm




7. Saturday April 30th: It's National Infertility Awareness Week! After reading my status for the week, I wanted to end with something positive. Treatments CAN work!! I wanted to say congratulations to all my friends I have made on The Bump's 3T. You ladies give us hope, and your babies give us smiles! And for those of us fighting the good fight, know you are not alone. Don't give up hope! ((HUGS))

One little thing can ruin a whole day

So I woke up early today to a seven degree temp drop, which usually means my period will be here tomorrow. :( I feel so defeated! Just last night I was feeling some slight pain in my lower abdomen thinking it was a good sign and now I think it's early cramps. It's really nature's cruel-ass joke that early pregnancy symptoms and impending periods have some of the same damn symptoms! Yes, it's not over yet. Yes, it could be an implantation dip. Yes, it could be that I woke up too early. Yes, since I drink in my sleep I could have taken a sip of Fresca and incorporated it into my dream and that effected the temp. But I don't believe any of this. I believe I am out. I believe this cycle is a bust. I feel like somehow I failed. As if I had any control over it! I know in my head that I don't, but my heart isn't listening. And since so many people know, it's like I let my family and friends down. Which is so stupid!! I know they won't blame me, but I'm blaming myself. And I know I told so many because, well - I'm an open person and have been talking about our infertility for nine months now. I don't know how to keep it in. Sometimes I wish I was one of those private people suffering in silence, but that's just not who I am. It's not how I'm wired. It's just so ridiculous how one little thing like a temperature can ruin a day.