Oh for fucks sake!

The saga continues...
I was told a month ago that the two managers of the front lanes would like me to apply to be with their department because one of them is having knee replacement surgery (and isn't sure if she'll just be out for a few months, or never able to return) and one of their assistants is going on a two month leave of absence (again, to possibly never return).  Since then, they have told me they got approval on the idea, asked if the store execs had started putting me on the schedule etc.  Only the other day to hear I'd have to have an "informal interview", I thought it was just a formality they needed to get out of the way.  Nope!  Not only is it not a "done deal", but they are seriously interviewing someone else too.  Huh? Why make it seem like a slam dunk?

Today, the HR manager talks to me (ahead of my interview on Monday with a different manager) about their concerns about moving me to that position.  First concern is they didn't realize how important I was to being the grocery department's assistant manager until I had to take Sunday off from my cortisone shot in my elbow giving me too much pain.  The department went to hell with me not there!  (Yes, I do a lot!  Thanks NOW for noticing!  And you might punish me for being too good at my job? WTF?)

Then I was told another concern is that I'm intimidating.  Now, this I've heard all my life.  My mom used to tell me this is why I had a hard time getting dates in high school.... because looking back.  I was hot!  And I was popular in my circle of friends (not the A group, but the group in the middle of the cliques).  But yet other girls got more dates.  Was it that I was too confident?  And why is that a downfall for a girl, but not for a guy?

See how confident I looked even at 17? Smartass to the core!

Me (L) and Joy at age ?20?

But yes, I am a strong, outspoken, opinionated woman.  Somehow this makes it hard to approach me?!  I'm personable darn it!  I may not reach out to talk to strangers all the time, but WTH?  I think if they talked to a number of people in the store they'd find out I'm more personable then they think!  **My husband admitted after we'd been dating for a while that yes, he found me intimidating at first because I'm just so confident.  I won him over even if I did have to make the first few moves ;).

Great.  So now, the "fall back" promotion I thought I had no problem is up in the air.  But at least the HR manager said, that no matter what - they really need to stop taking advantage of me (meaning how great I am and that they can't keep me stuck forever in my current position).  And that they really need to find a way, be it start with this or something else, to move me up in the corporation.  That was at least comforting to hear (since she and I talked about me becoming a team lead FIVE months ago!  And they have not done a damn thing about it since the meeting where they agreed I was ready!).

Well two out of three ain't bad (as the Meatloaf song goes)

So I didn't get that job.  One could say I was again overqualified (since they changed the job description after I interviewed, as more of an entry level position and they kept talking about my success in sales.)  Or that since they asked for a salary requirement (back when the job description was more involved) and I asked for the going rate of what that job would be.  But off the current job description, I would have asked for 10k a year less!  We'll never really know why.  But of course I feel like I'm doomed in the job world.

I want something more than just Target - but much less stress than sales.  I've had the highest of paying jobs and the lowest!  50-60+ hours of work vs part time.  Why won't someone in the middle give me a chance?  Is it so wrong to want to work about 40 hours a week at a job that is challenging and yet I won't be stressing about it in my sleep?

But I will instead look at the positive side - Jeff got the raise & bonus, and sperm numbers I was looking for. So two out of three ain't bad.  Because really the job I want most in the whole wide world is SAHM (for you non IFers that's Stay at home Mom).  If we're able to get PG because we're able to cycle next month, then in 9 months this whole idea will be moot.

Focus on the good Kati, focus on the good.

Two Answers, One to go

So a week ago I reported DH got a fantastic review, raise and bonus which helps.  Well on Monday we found out his count is back in "acceptable" range for continuing down IUI path for take 2 of IUI#3.  Came back at 48mil/ml with 38% motility and 8% morph.  GO BABY! He had blood work taken on Thursday (waiting results), was told to increase his Co-Q10 to 200mg 2x a day to help with motility (he's only been on 100mg 2x/day for about 3 weeks so it was not effecting this motility).  And will have yet another S/A done by new uro (what, they don't trust my RE's lab or something? The eight done over the last two years are not enough? Whateves, I'm happy).
Only thing left to hear about is if I got that job I interviewed two Fridays ago.  They said I'd hear in a week...last weekend came with no news.  So Tuesday I sent out a follow up email asking if there was anything else I could provide as they make their decision....no answer.  I'd like to think if I didn't get the job, they would have told me after that email to not keep me like a worm on a hook.  Then Friday, I broke down and called...but she was out of town so I did not leave a message.  But, thus I also didn't get an answer.  I thought "Well, if they've taken down the ad, they've filled it."
The ad is still up.  But they changed the title and description a little to make it more "entry level" type, so now I'm worried that again, I will be passed over as being over qualified.  Can't they see over two years of working at Target I am already over qualified in my current position? At least this would be in my field of experience and passion!!  Still have hope, but it's dwindling.
Jeff goes out of town for three days this coming week, which will be hard to not have my funny distraction from worrying!  I'm to the point almost of not caring if I get it or not  - I just want a dang answer!  OK - clearly that's a lie...I want this job!  I got a cortisone shot in my elbow (5th time in two and a half years) and the pain today is unbelievable!!  I had to leave work and take tomorrow off too while the drug takes effect.  I'm hurtin so bad! My doc again told me I need a desk job. Yeah, thanks, as if I didn't know.  Trying to work on that, thanks.  She liked to hear that even if I don't get this other job, that at Target I'm supposed to start managing the cashiers at the front lanes and hopefully not be building endcaps, lifting crap all day long, etc.  The muscle is ripping off my bone, don't you think I'm trying everything I can? I don't like being in this pain!!!  Fingers crossed for the desk job!  I hope to have a post this time next week ending this ordeal.

Tales of a OCD Type-A Nothing

(Did you get the clever play on words of the classic Judy Blume book "Tales of a 4th Grade nothing?" - Yes, I'm that much of a dork...we have a copy in our house.  That Jeff brought into the relationship *aawww*)

So I just read a Blog from my eFriend Mama G about her being Type A, married to a type B and praying one of her two kids end up like her and it got me to thinking...

I am most defiantly a type A.  Always have been.  Jeff is also type A.  But there is one HUGE difference.  I am OCD, Jeff is not.  I think of Type A as someone driven.  Believes they are right most of the time (yes, we're slightly narcissistic).  Wikipedia defines type A as: ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, arrogant and tightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence. Ah, yeah.  That describes us.


 My husband is one of the smartest people I know.  He graduated law school.  He reads three books at a time and finishes a book in three days usually.  He kills everyone in Jeopardy, cross word puzzles, scrabble, and Wheel of Fortune.  His mind works out puzzles I can never figure out.  He likes to be right.  He likes to compete.  He is ....Type A.  But (*and baby I love you dearly*) kind of a slob.  He seems to not have any OCD quirks.  And this is what drives this OCD girl out of her mind!

Recently we've been discussing some of my quirks.  Two days ago in fact, about the fact that I think toilet paper and paper towels should roll OVER and my husband puts it rolling under and drives me nuts.  Second, that I think knives in the dishwasher should be point up so as to wash the dirty surface better.  He says points down so as not to cut people taking them out.  They're butter knives people! And I'm the one emptying the dishwasher...I've never cut myself!  Now, these are just minor in life.  But there are sadly TONS more.  How I organize DVDs (By genre and then sub sectioned by actor), the laundry basket when folding, how I clean the house, etc. etc. etc. I've joked,  there is the wrong way to do things, and the Kati way (ie the right way).  Everything must be organized!

Thankfully, I am not bad enough that my OCD keeps me from loving and living with my husband.  And he finds my quirks adorable.  (**Anyone see that episode of Monica explaining her quirks to Richard and then says "My boyfriend doesn't have a  thing!" when realizing he has no OCD qualities...that's us.  I'm Monica.).  And since my OCD comes from my Dad, I am sure if/when we have children that they will pick some of this up.  But I am so thankful I have someone that can put up with my obsessive compulsive need to organize. 

One answer, two more to go!

So Jeff had his annual review yesterday.  It was the best review he's had in the almost eight years he's worked there!  He's "exceeding expectations" across the board and was given a 4.5% raise!!  Which I'm sure you know in this economy is almost unheard of.  His boss said it's the biggest raise she's ever approved. :) And his annual bonus is almost as much as last year (93% of last years).  WOOHOO!  We can pay down a lot of debt and maybe even take a vacation this year?!?! Awesome!  We are going out for dinner tonight to celebrate (because as I've said, we almost never allow ourselves to go out to eat unless we have a gift card).  Even if it's just to a casual chain like Chilli's it will be a treat!

I did not, however, hear about the job for me.  I assume that just because I didn't hear from them means that they have not made a decision yet.  Not that I did not get it.  I figure if I did not get it, I will have at least gotten a email.  So while it sucks that I have to go in to work at Target on Monday when I had hoped to quit this weekend...I still have high hopes!

And yes, period showed up last night. Ugh.  But the good news? I finally saw the sheet for our canceled IUI in January when I went to pick up Jeff's medical records for his upcoming urologist appointment.  All they had previously told us was they only had two live sperm in the sample.  They didn't say that was post wash!  And that his original sample had a total of 179million sperm in 1.7ml of which 16% motility....ie 28 million were swimmers!!  This is more than double the highest number he's ever produced!  This is more than SEVEN times the amount from when he was Dx with MFI!   We don't understand how with the wash they could only find two.  My parents think they screwed up the wash somehow.  Since I don't fully understand the science behind it, I am not sure it was screwed up...but this fills me with so much hope for Monday's repeat S/A and Tuesday's Uro appointment.  I hope that the steroids from October's nightmare are finally out of his system and he has amazing numbers.  Hell, I was going to be happy if he had 28 million sperm total and now you're telling me he had 28 million swimmers in January?! Go Baby!! 

Needless to say the anxiety level has dropped but I will continue to spend the next few days worrying, planning, daydreaming and wringing my hand over more news to come.  Let's hope this trend of awesomeness continues!!

And now...a hail mary plea for something to go right...

*For anyone reading...this is another of those long, really just meant for me diary type entries....feel free to skip it.

When I was a kid, anytime something happened that I said was "unfair" or didn't go my way, my Dad would always joke that it was a good "learning experience" for me.  And while that was true... I have had a lot of learning experiences these past three years. 

1) Lesson One...you cannot plan your life, because it will not go as planned.  That's why one of my favorite quotes is John Lennon's "Life happens when you're making other plans"  Oh, how true.  Lesson learned!  Many times.  Life, you have hit me over the head repeatedly with this one.  Because when I was younger I planned I'd be married with kids by 28.  OK, didn't meet the love of my life til I was 29 and got handed the bundle of "joy" that is infertility. (Not to mention I never got that life guarding gig on a cruise ship I planned for my summer between sophomore and junior year of college LOL)

2) Lesson Two...Money isn't everything.  Sure, I used to make a lot of money but I was kind of unhappy.  I didn't fully know it at the time.  I only realized something was missing.  Then I found Jeff and thought life was great.  Then fate jumps in, crashes the economy, and I'm left with a job that pays me a wage of less than 1/5th (ONE FIFTH PEOPLE) of what I used to make.  Lesson learned.  I have been happier these years with Jeff with much less money.  Even having to almost never go out, cut things like buying new clothes except when absolutely necessary from old ones falling apart, and cutting out almost anything and everything that is a want, not a need.  Again, John Lennon is right...all you need it Love!  OK, but I'm sure stress level would go down and happiness would rise even more if we didn't have to get by on the skin of our teeth.  I'm happy Jeff and I's first few years of living together and marriage have been in the "lean" times, so a) we know we can survive it and b) we will appreciate it later when we look back.  But enough already!

3)Lesson Three:  Hope keeps you reaching for the stars, but reality can keep you sane.  I have a little of both in me.  I've always been a optimistic for others and a pessimistic for myself.  I'm trying to change that,and have more hope.  But I think it's prepared me for IF and job loss.  I've seen a lot of people not take the IF world so well.  Is it a hard shell I protect myself with that might someday come crumbling down and leave me a weepy mess? Yes.  But I like to think of it as my battle gear to keep me from being mortally wounded. 

And now that I've learned these lessons...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP!!!  Now that I know these things...can I finally get a more fulfilling job that pays more than crap so we have a little wiggle room?  My mental state would be much better off if I felt I was doing something, anything, the least bit challenging or worth while!  And/or could I get pregnant?  Please?!!!  We'll be great parents, I know it! 

Ok, Ok, I know lesson one I said that I  learned was you can't plan your life.  Well...clearly I lied because what have I been planning the last week?  Planning!  What I will do if I get the job.  How I will pay off debts.  Plan a vacation.  How I'll quit my retail job.  How I will post on FB.  Geez!  And what do I still dream of every single cycle?  What if I'm pregnant this time? And I plan.  Nurseries, due dates, telling my parents, etc. 

Tomorrow a few things happen...I should get my period (or test to kill my hopes).  Jeff should get his annual review - which we will also learn if he gets a raise at all and what his annual bonus in two weeks will be.  And possibly if I got that job since they said they "hoped" to have a decision by the end of this week ((Please don't let them drag their feet!))  *** I guess you can scratch lesson 2 off the list too since me dreaming of a big bonus or new job for me has me day dreaming about money =  happier life.  Boy, have I learned nothing?!

Not true!  Lesson three!  Reality!  To prepare myself for disappointment I have also been daydreaming about what it will feel like when my period arrives, DH's bonus is small, and I don't get the job.  WHY? So maybe it won't hurt as bad!!  But I am sending these wishes up to the universe.  Fate.  God.  Whatever.  PLEASE!  Can you answer at least one of these? 

I'm sure I have many many many more lessons to learn (and relearn, and relearn).  But patience is one lesson that has to keep being force fed to me.  I just don't have it.  This week waiting has been killing me!

I really don't know how on earth I'll get to sleep tonight.  Can I just wake up and it's Saturday and I know the answer to all these questions??

The "Personhood Act" Is really starting to piss me off.

So thanks to my "Liking" resolve on facebook and watching the Daily Show as a source of news (Yes, don't worry I also watch parts of the Today Show and NBC Nightly news) I learned a few weeks ago about the "personhood act" that is getting around in some state's governments.  The main point of the bill is to give fertilized embryos rights of a person. 

Now, as someone fighting infertility - I root for all my IVF friends when their egg follie gets fertilized and becomes an embryo.  And we cheer for them to snuggle in for nine months to give the joy of a little one to the family.  Yes, at that point it has the potential to be a person.  And if it's lost through miscarriage or fails to implant; it is a loss for the couple.  While I have yet to go through it, I can understand (on a limited basis) the sheer sadness that comes with it.  Should the medical field be involved? Sure.  Should the couple's support system be involved? If the couple wants it!  Should anyone else, like say the government be involved? HELL NO!! 

First...This clip while watching SNL got me laughing, and pissed off about two weeks ago. Catch it really going good at 1:48...




SNL's "Really??!!" clip if embedded video does not work for you.


I too am such a frequent flyer with transvaginal ultrasounds that I get upgraded to "Lady Business" LOL. Someone added an amendment that then all men wanting a Viagra Rx would need a rectal exam. Seems tit for tat (no pun intended).

But this "personhood" idea could cause issues on many levels.  It could make infertility treatments illegal (among other things like causing problems for birth control, Roe v. Wade, etc)!  And what could result in all of this?  Unwanted children from those unable to get birth control.  And for those wanting a baby most of all, but unable to have one without medical intervention; the infertility couples in the world, (of which we make up one in 8 couples!!)  It could make it impossible to conceive these babies we pray for!! 

I hate how the GOP wants the government out of our lives; except when it comes to marriage, sexual orientation, what goes on in our bedrooms and reproduction.  It reminds me of a line from my favorite show of all time The West Wing  where Josh Lyman says "I love it when you guys want to shrink the government so small that it only fits in our bedrooms."  Sure, he was talking about gay rights, but it fit here too.  The best quote I've heard of is off this article from a protest sign...."If I wanted the government in my womb, I'd fuck a senator." :) Simply awesome!  I encourage you to read the article and watch the video at the bottom.  And learn if this is coming to your state.  And if it is, see what you can do to help stop it!! 

Article:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/29/oklahoma-personhood-fetal-personhood-bill_n_1310992.html