And now...a hail mary plea for something to go right...

*For anyone reading...this is another of those long, really just meant for me diary type entries....feel free to skip it.

When I was a kid, anytime something happened that I said was "unfair" or didn't go my way, my Dad would always joke that it was a good "learning experience" for me.  And while that was true... I have had a lot of learning experiences these past three years. 

1) Lesson One...you cannot plan your life, because it will not go as planned.  That's why one of my favorite quotes is John Lennon's "Life happens when you're making other plans"  Oh, how true.  Lesson learned!  Many times.  Life, you have hit me over the head repeatedly with this one.  Because when I was younger I planned I'd be married with kids by 28.  OK, didn't meet the love of my life til I was 29 and got handed the bundle of "joy" that is infertility. (Not to mention I never got that life guarding gig on a cruise ship I planned for my summer between sophomore and junior year of college LOL)

2) Lesson Two...Money isn't everything.  Sure, I used to make a lot of money but I was kind of unhappy.  I didn't fully know it at the time.  I only realized something was missing.  Then I found Jeff and thought life was great.  Then fate jumps in, crashes the economy, and I'm left with a job that pays me a wage of less than 1/5th (ONE FIFTH PEOPLE) of what I used to make.  Lesson learned.  I have been happier these years with Jeff with much less money.  Even having to almost never go out, cut things like buying new clothes except when absolutely necessary from old ones falling apart, and cutting out almost anything and everything that is a want, not a need.  Again, John Lennon is right...all you need it Love!  OK, but I'm sure stress level would go down and happiness would rise even more if we didn't have to get by on the skin of our teeth.  I'm happy Jeff and I's first few years of living together and marriage have been in the "lean" times, so a) we know we can survive it and b) we will appreciate it later when we look back.  But enough already!

3)Lesson Three:  Hope keeps you reaching for the stars, but reality can keep you sane.  I have a little of both in me.  I've always been a optimistic for others and a pessimistic for myself.  I'm trying to change that,and have more hope.  But I think it's prepared me for IF and job loss.  I've seen a lot of people not take the IF world so well.  Is it a hard shell I protect myself with that might someday come crumbling down and leave me a weepy mess? Yes.  But I like to think of it as my battle gear to keep me from being mortally wounded. 

And now that I've learned these lessons...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP!!!  Now that I know these things...can I finally get a more fulfilling job that pays more than crap so we have a little wiggle room?  My mental state would be much better off if I felt I was doing something, anything, the least bit challenging or worth while!  And/or could I get pregnant?  Please?!!!  We'll be great parents, I know it! 

Ok, Ok, I know lesson one I said that I  learned was you can't plan your life.  Well...clearly I lied because what have I been planning the last week?  Planning!  What I will do if I get the job.  How I will pay off debts.  Plan a vacation.  How I'll quit my retail job.  How I will post on FB.  Geez!  And what do I still dream of every single cycle?  What if I'm pregnant this time? And I plan.  Nurseries, due dates, telling my parents, etc. 

Tomorrow a few things happen...I should get my period (or test to kill my hopes).  Jeff should get his annual review - which we will also learn if he gets a raise at all and what his annual bonus in two weeks will be.  And possibly if I got that job since they said they "hoped" to have a decision by the end of this week ((Please don't let them drag their feet!))  *** I guess you can scratch lesson 2 off the list too since me dreaming of a big bonus or new job for me has me day dreaming about money =  happier life.  Boy, have I learned nothing?!

Not true!  Lesson three!  Reality!  To prepare myself for disappointment I have also been daydreaming about what it will feel like when my period arrives, DH's bonus is small, and I don't get the job.  WHY? So maybe it won't hurt as bad!!  But I am sending these wishes up to the universe.  Fate.  God.  Whatever.  PLEASE!  Can you answer at least one of these? 

I'm sure I have many many many more lessons to learn (and relearn, and relearn).  But patience is one lesson that has to keep being force fed to me.  I just don't have it.  This week waiting has been killing me!

I really don't know how on earth I'll get to sleep tonight.  Can I just wake up and it's Saturday and I know the answer to all these questions??