Turn Back Time Tuesday - Childhood ala 1985

So I just received an email from my father on something he thought I'd find entertaining.  First, let me say that as a child my favorite movie was Back to the Future (ironic with these posts huh?).  And as I got older only a select few have passed it.  B2tF is still in my top 5.  ((FYI, my favorite movie is Shawshank Redemption)).  His email sent me to this link.  Which is funny, and thought provoking.

Why 'Back to the Future' Is Secretly Horrifying -- powered by Cracked.com

When I first saw this movie (on VHS, what up?) it was summer of 1986.  I was 9.  It did not even occur to me that Biff was trying to rape Lorraine.  And somehow as I got older, since I knew what was coming ,I didn't really think of it like that.  Only that Lorraine got saved and that Biff was a bully.  Weird.  Even odder I guess is that at that age, it wasn't one of the scenes my parents would shield me from.  I guess because they stay clothed and their is not really much seen.
But I had been trying to come up with when I should go to for Turn Back Time Tuesday and this gave me the inspiration to look at me in 1985 (when B2tF is first set).

The only picture (digitally that is) I have from about this time is above.  It's me and our dog Scruffy.  He was a mutt.  And if I'm eight in this picture, he was still a pup as he grew much bigger in the following year or two.  I was busy playing solitaire when he decided to put his paws into the game and my dad snapped this picture.
My parents, at this point - were 36.  And had two kids (8 and 11).  Married for 14 years.  They had a house (actually because we moved around a lot in the early years this was my parents fourth house in their marriage).  They worked, took care of the house, and hung out with us kids.  That was their life.  Jeff and I are 40 and 34.  No kids, renting a town house.  Married for coming up on three whole years.  Our life is hanging out at home playing on the computers, going our drinking, and friends & family events  Weird how different it is in some ways, and yet if we had kids I'm sure it'd be eerily similar.

I'm not saying I don't love our lives.  What I AM saying is that if you had asked this eight year old girl to describe her adult life; it would have been something like this:  Married around age 24 and two kids by the age of 30.  By now in my life, I'd have a house.  We'd take vacations every year to cool places.  And of course at that point in my life I think I remember wanting to be a waitress like Diane Chambers on Cheers LOL.  Or how could I forget, wanting to be a private detective like Maddy Hayes in Moonlighting (notice how it's all from Television?  Is it any wonder I ended up going to Television advertising sales?  So I could talk TV all day long!)

I honestly don't remember too much about 1985, aside from really wanting to see that movie (I had a crush on Michael J Fox's Alex P Keaton from Family Ties...before getting old enough to realize what a douchey republican he was).  And feeling secure in the life my family had.

I guess one thing IF has taken away from me is the security of my future.  Will I ever get that "house and two kids" dream?  Sure it hasn't happened in the time frame I wanted it to...but will it ever?  I guess what I'm saying is people outside of IF don't understand that it's a fundamental wish that many of us have pictured almost our entire lives.  It's bigger than most dreams, because you've held on to it so much longer and stronger than anything else as a simple truth.  When you find out it isn't that guarenteed it rocks you to the core.  Marty McFly was able to go back in time and change his present.  Sadly, Doc Brown does not have any kind of machine for me to jump into to change this IF hell I'm presently living in.  Maybe if I go put on some Huey Lewis and the News I can at least feel a hint of that security again.

Spring Cleaning!

So, I was a bit of a bum.  When I wasn't sure if I would have our IUI on Sunday or Monday I started looking for people to take my work shift on Monday.  And even when I heard our IUI was on Sunday, I lied to work so that someone else could work my shift because in the past I get real crampy and bloated after IUIs and didn't feel like working at 5am.  So I've had the day off.  Only a little cramping since this time I had a super awesome nurse and (I think) a smaller catheter.  And Tomorrow is my scheduled day off.  And for some reason they also gave me Friday off.  So, I'm actually only working Wednesday and Thursday this week (which will mean a smaller paycheck in three weeks but I kind of needed a little Spring Break). So I am spending part of today, Tuesday, and Friday SPRING CLEANING!

Sbrown used to make lists to keep her busy in the 2ww, so I am sort of stealing her idea but focusing on the house.  First things first...my house needed it's weekly cleaning so I'd be starting with a fairly clean slate.  Took care of that this morning (including laundry) with everything but vacuuming (saving for tomorrow).

• Clean Laundry Room: DONE.  We've lived here four years and I've never really wiped down the machines or the cabinet.  So it was embarrassingly dirty.  That only took five minutes (and then I washed the throw rug that's on the cement floor).  Don't know why I don't add that into my "once a month" cleaning routine but I'll never let it get that nasty again.
• Drapes & Blinds:  Drapes are in dryer about to be hung, blinds to follow.  Again, after four years of living here it's so sad these have never been washed considering how clean I keep the rest of the house.  But honestly, as an adult, I've never lived anywhere longer than two years before. So by the time they were dirty, I moved!  I finally noticed the valance over my bathtub was filthy so they are in the dryer as we speak.  As soon as I'm done making my to do list I'm off to clorox wipe the blinds, slat by slat. UGH. Update: Never doing that again!  We only have three in the house...one above my huge bathtub that always stays closed and the one's in the guest bathroom.  Needless to say after 40 minutes trying to clean one while first) still hanging and then) taking them down and sitting on the deck...I think the only way I'll have clean ones that will not take up three hours of my life is either a) buying new ones of b) taking a power hose to them. So back up that one goes with a half-ass job and a "Ill figure that one out later."
• Windex all Windows.  
• Clean entry way closet
• Clean Master Bedroom Walk in Closet (And donate clothes to Good Will)
• Organize Pots and Pans cabinet in Kitchen
• Wipe down all base boards, light switches, and Magic Eraser all scuffs on walls
• Clean/Organize cabinets under bathroom sink
• Try to find home for all the books hanging out around the house (Jeff and I are avid readers.  We have one large bookcase and an entertainment system in our bedroom but books are laying (and I'm not kidding) every room in the house.

Mostly copied from my update to 3T:

Hi Ladies, Hope you've all been having a good Easter.  We drove out to downtown Chicago this morning for our holiday IUI.  They have the nicest & funniest staff there and I felt immediately comfortable that we were at a "strange" office this time.   

DH went off to give his sample and came back giving thumbs up on nice facility (He liked there was a new clean sheet for the leather chair so he knew his bare @ss wasn't sitting on a chair tons of bare butts had been on.  

Since he'd had two S/A's since we were canceled in January, I knew the steroids were out of his system.  But because of MFI being a crap shoot, I knew there was really no telling what results we might have today.  March 5th his S/A with RE was 47mil with 38% motility.  But Uro S/A just two weeks later was only 13mil.  So I sat and sent him good vibes.  

When it was time for the IUI they called us back and told me to get ready.  I joked with DH that since in January we never even got to the stage of me taking off my pants, this was already going better than our canceled cycle in January.  

But then the nurse came in and told me the post wash that they were putting in me was .9 million.  I said "I'm sorry, did you say POINT nine?" and got sad immediately.  But the nurse and DH were so sweet and confidant that it's quality over quantity and she's seen people get pregnant on the smallest of small samples.  (((But all I heard in my head was "most clinics cancel if there is less than a million! They are taking pity on us since last cycle was canceled at this point."))) But they said "have hope." So I decided right then and there that I was going to stay as positive as I could.  I put a smile on my face, laid back and said "You're right.  Let's do this."  I did not shed a tear, and felt amazingly OK with it.  

There is of course the sperm that made it from our sex on Friday late afternoon, and a few more will join the mix when we get it on tonight.  So who knows?  I know I've seen ladies on here get PG off a post wash of just a million, so why not me?  It can happen and I'm holding on to that with all my might.   And since his numbers do jump all over the board, for all I know Friday was like his March 5th S/A and there were millions upon millions that were good swimmers. 


The thing that I feel sad about is that since I know all kinds of statistics, I know that a million is the lowest approved for bothering with an IUI.  And  that 5-10million post wash is most optimal.  And Jeff doesn’t know these numbers.  And since he’s being so positive, and I’m trying to be I don’t have the heart to fill him in.  Especially since afterward he said “I have a really good feeling about this one” because the nurse changed to a smaller catheter, said she was going to make sure she got every single drop out of it, and was so smooth and good this is the first time I didn’t even feel the when she went past my cervix.  I thought she hadn’t even started yet when she said “OK, all done.”  So because of her awesome skills, I did not have any cramping today.  That’s a first for me with IUIs and am actually looking forward to sex tonight (sometime’s we’ve skipped it because of how much pain I was in from cramping).  So here’s to happy humping, high hopes, and those sperm I’ve got in me being the fastest, smartest, and most talented sperm there are!

Holy bloating Batman! CD11 Update

So yesterday we had out final monitoring appointment.  My lining was 9mm (WOOHOO, I've never had lining on clomid thicker than 7mm on our first try and that was at cd12).  And the smaller ones fell back (as I had instructed) but instead of the three dominants growing...only two did.  But I always say I want two to three follies and so I am very happy.  I had a 19mm on the Right and a 17.5mm on the Left.  So I left the office awaiting a call for instructions based on my e2 levels.

I went to work at 11am and could only stand it for four and a half hours and left work early.  Being the assistant manager of grocery at a Super Tar.get. involves walking a good mile or two per hour and a lot bending.  I so wish I  had a desk job during these times because this makes me feel like a total wimp compared to IVF girls that have a lot more than two growing.  But I digress.  Almost as soon as I came home the phone rang, my estrogen was at 401 so they said it could not wait until Monday.  We needed to take the trigger Friday night and go in for IUI in downtown Chicago on Easter Sunday.

We are spoiled.  Now, normally my home office is 10 minute drive at most from the house.  Jeff does his thing and I drive the sample in and come back home to hang out for half an hour before we both head back to the office for the IUI.  But their downtown office is in River North area of Chicago (for those of you not here, think the richest area of Downtown) for high rise buildings, close to the Magnificent Mile overlooking the Chicago River.  I now have this built up in my mind like so super awesome office so I'm actually kind of excited to see it.  Like, will their be plasma TV's every where?  Will it be all modern with glass and chrome and leather?  I don't know, I'm silly even thinking about it.  So now, we will be heading downtown at 7:30 in the morning (to be on the safe side since we've never been there) for him to make a donation to the cause at 9am, with the IUI at 10am.  If they stay on schedule (which I doubt) we may be only a tiny bit later for Easter egg hunt and brunch at my in laws that kicks off at 11am, as on a holiday it should take us less than an hour to get there.

*Side thought.  Some of the bosses at work give me the side eye leaving early even with me being totally open and honest about what we're doing and why it hurts and having my area covered.  This is what I'd like to tell my one boss who is a guy.  "OK, you know how sperm are so tiny it's like the head of a needle only smaller?  Now imagine one sperm in each of your testicles ballooned up to the size of a nickel.  And while it doesn't hurt too much sitting, instead you have to walk around, and the more hours you do it...the more it hurts.  And when you bend over you're squishing your balls.  And you have to bend over and over and over to set up an end cap or organize the shelves.  NOW do you understand why I'm in pain and want to go home? I've given you five hours and I just want to sit down in the fetal position and moan occasionally in pain.  OK? Goodbye."

I was able to make it 5 hours today at work, but I'm paying for it now.  The bloat is insane, it hurts to just stand now and driving in a car bounces around my ovaries which hurts too.  So after making these awesome cupcakes and dropping them off at the in laws, we are home and plan to stay on the couch the rest of the night.  And tomorrow, Jeff's troopers are going to go on their very own egg hunt.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

Wednesday monitoring (Cd 8)

So today I had the U/S tech that I hate - because she seems to want to win Guiness World record of fastest ultra sound ever.  I got to the office at 6:53 and signed in.  I sat down in the waiting room for about four minutes (long enough to watch a weather report and check my email on my phone).  I went in, took off my pants and underwear, got the ultra sound and was back in the waiting room ((with pants and underwear back on, don't worry LOL)) by 7:01.  That's like four minutes for the actual ultrasound!!  I don't see how that's long enough to accurately measure six egg follicles and my lining.  But whatever, I'm sure it's close to accurate.

So...on my Right ovary, the 11mm grew to 15mm (that's growing rate of 2mm a day, which I was not surprised because I've been told I have fast moving follies).  The 10.5 only grew to 11, ugh.  And now there was also a 9 and 8.6 measurable.  Ooooo-kay.  I don't see them catching up and don't want a large number of follies cause a cancel so I'm telling them firmly they can't grow...they need to take the back seat and let the 15 & 11 shine.

On my Left side, my 11mm grew to 13mm (so 1mm a day, a little slower than expected 1.5 but whatevs...I really hope to goodness that this one catches up because I'd really like three for the IUI).  And the 7.5 grew to 8.5 so I don't think that one will do much of anything.  But c'mon 13.  Don't you see what the leader on the right is doing?  Why can't you be more like your ovary sister?  Don't worry I still love you.  But live up to your full potential and grow!

My lining is 6.3 and I forgot to ask if they'd like me to start estrace tonight.  And since their office was closed by the time I thought of it I decided I will take one tonight because honestly, what could it hurt? And call them tomorrow to hear what they think.

I go in again on Friday.  I'm thinking if 15 keeps growing at 2.5 a day rate it will be 20mm on Friday.  And if I can get 13mm to grow faster at 2-3mm a day (which has been known to happen with me) it will be 17-19 on Friday and we'd still be on for an Easter IUI.  Or maybe they'll want me to stim one more day and we could do it on Monday.  We'll see.  I hate the uncertainty of it all.

Editting to add: And for some reason today I am totally exhausted!  I can barely keep my eyes open.  Jeff suggested a nap (at 7pm) and I told him if I did, I wouldn't wake up until like 3am and that would screw up all of tomorrow.  But I think as soon as Criminal Minds is over at 9pm I will be going to bed.  Still taking 75ui of Follistim.  So that's 4 days of 75ui of Gonal F and 3 days of Follistim before Friday's appointment when I will be on cd9 on 7 days of stims.

Turn Back Time Tuesday! - How Jeff and I met (long)

From October 2005 to Feb. 2008 I live up in Milwaukee Wisconsin.  I had moved from West Virginia to work at the local ABC station and was so excited to be back in the mid west and only an hour and a half away from my hometown and three of my best friends.  I was 27, about to turn 28 and ready to really "find someone" in 2005.   By 2007 I tried one of those dating websites after feeling I was never going to meet anyone.  While I did date one guy I met on line for a whole month, nothing stuck.  I had nine first dates in the month of June 2007.  Nine!

But the summer before that, my friend Barb said she's met the man I was going to marry.  Yeah right!  I had been set up a few times before with dismal results.  But I let her introduce me to him.  He was President of 2006 Algonquin Founders Days, so he was busy working that when I met him.  My first thoughts? "He seems too old for me!"  (I had been dating more "boys" than "men" if you know what I mean.  At this point I was 28 and he was 34...he was a MAN.)  But he was too busy working for me to really talk to him much.  But Barb was persistent... she invited him out several times when I'd come down to go out and party.  She even invited him to stop by as we were out drinking for my 29th birthday in December.

My 29th Birthday, first pic of Jeff and I ever

At my birthday I really got to talk to him and thought he was the funniest man I'd ever met!  I liked him, and thought he liked me. But he didn't ask for my phone number.  And when I saw him again in February in a group outing at a bar, he seemed to ignore me.  So I thought, "I must have gotten the signals wrong, he doesn't like me." - - - Que me hitting the dating website!  I signed up a few days later.  I didn't see Jeff again from mid February to June.  (Remember I said I had nine first dates in June? Ugh!)  So the end of June in Milwaukee is SUMMERFEST a huge 10 day musical festival and my station had free tickets.  I invited Barb and Mike & Lauren and Matt up for free beer and music.  Barb asked if she could invited Jeff up.  I'd only met him three or four times, but remembered I did like him, so why not?  He was a lot better than the stream of bad dates I had been on that month.

Barb (top) Me (L) and Lauren (R) drunk at Summerfest

Finally, drinking waaay too much free beer, he gave me enough of a signal (he took my hand as we were trying to get towards the drunk bus when the park was letting out) for me to make my move.  Now, it could of been he just didn't want me to get lost - but whatever!  I made the next several moves...but when he left the next day - he still didn't ask for my number. (WTH?) *now admittedly I talked about how I had another first date set up for that night, but still! (BTW- I ended up canceling that date). 

So the next weekend when I was down in Algonquin with Barb, I called him (got his number from Barb's boyfriend) and said "Hi, this is Kati.....from Milwaukee??" and he agreed to meet us out for pizza.  He then had my phone number since I'd called him.  We started talking on the phone and I invited him back up to Milwaukee for a baseball game.  That baseball game, our first time out together without the group.  It was our first real date.  July 21st, 2007.  And we've been together ever since.  Less than eight months from that first date, I had left my career in Milwaukee, moved in with him (our current town house) and he had proposed.  Just five weeks shy of our two year anniversary of dating we got married.  And I am so thankful that Barb kept trying to get us together!  So we met July 2006, started dating July 2007 and this June will celebrate our three year wedding anniversary.  I love you baby!

A wedding gift from a friend was reminisce of our first date: Tickets to a baseball game in July
 July 2009   GO SOX!

CD 6 Monitoring up date

So this morning I had cd6 monitoring after three days of 75ui of Gonal F.  While I still have 15 visable egg follicles, thankfully only four are measurable.  On the right I have an 11 and 10.5, on the left I have an 11 and a 7.5.   I go back in on Wednesday and (they assume) again on Friday to see if I'm ready to trigger.  Meaning IUI would be Easter at their office that's in Chicago (meaning a very early hour long drive for Sunday).  

The other odd bit of news, the nurse said things were growing well but need to "keep a fire burning under them" so I needed to keep with the same level of meds.  Well, because of meds donated from Jezebell - I have one dose left of gonal F and five vials of Menapur.  But Menapur is FSH & LH, where as Gonal F is just FSH - which is what they want me on.  So they asked me to trade.  (Huh?) They gave me a Follistim pen of 300ui (FSH, same as Gonal F) but in exchange they want me to bring in the Menapur in as a trade.  OK.  Odd - but whatever.  

Thankfully, I forgot that for some reason this U/S costs less than the one they do on cd3, and b/w they only tested FSH, not all the others they do on cd3.  So instead of the bill being $462 like it was on Friday - it was "only" $228. I get cheap thrills now a days from lower than expected bills.  So sad.

Oh, and my lining is currently at 4.8mm.  But if it grows about 1mm a day - then by Friday it should be over 8mm so maybe I can skip the nasty blue estrace vag pills!  

Will update again on Wednesday.