MFI experiment...inconclusive so far

For those of you that remember, we were doing a MFI experiment for IUI #5.  Jeff was instructed to expell either from masterbation or sex every.single.day. from cd4 until trigger, then take a night off and then have IUI.  There was an Australian study, and a few minor follow ups that say this makes the sample from MFI'ers have the best chance of pregnancy rates, mainly from motility and morph.  I was very fearful of doing this because what if it hurt instead of helped?  

Well, the good news is it didn't hurt, (but I'm not sure it helped either).  His post wash was almost identical to his sample in January when we got PG and m/c (which was his best sample to date) - post wash over just over 10mil/ml with 88% motility.  HOWEVER his initial numbers were lower (18mil/ml vs 36mil/ml).  So, that means that many more made it to post wash.  In January, less than third survived to post wash whereas this time over 50% made it.  IDK.  As my mother would say, six of one half a dozen of the other when they both ended with about the same amount.  Since the final number was the same and the post wash motility was the same I don't know if his initial count was hurt because of the experiment or if it's just a basic fluke lower sample (how MFI can be).   And the higher motility and survival rate to post wash...was that because of this? IDK.  

What I can say, is that it wore my poor 41 year old husband out!  We had sex the night of trigger, but it took some effort on our parts to get it done if ya know what I mean...because of eight straight days.  But the job got done.  Was fairly unromantic though from the effort that had to be made.  Then last night after having given his sample in the morning and to have to have sex that night?  Ugh, we tried.  For like, an hour.  But eventually just gave up, and then he felt bad and said it was - "just too much"  and  "forced".  

Now, we've had timed sex for over three years.  And this is our fifth IUI.  This ain't our first time to this rodeo.  It's never felt forced.  It's never been so difficult.  It's never been so unromantic.  I've always felt blessed that as an MFI couple, we've never had these issues.  Last night just sucked.  A Lot.  So, if this cycle doesn't work I don't know that we'll be willing to try that again.  I hated seeing DH so disappointed in himself.   I hated that I couldn't help but have a few tears stream down my face.  And that I couldn't find the words to explain to Jeff that the tears were not because it didn't happen, but because of seeing his face.  I don't want him to feel bad.  THAT is what was making me sad.  I hate IF.  I really, really do.  

The interweb amazes me some days

So I was being reflective a little bit ago on hindsight, (and in an earlier email to a friend)) and what I might do different.  I choose years ago to try and live my life for the most part with no regrets.  To know that the journey I've taken has lead me to who I am now.  And I like myself, so why would I want it any other way?

Example:  I was fairly lonely for some years of my 20's.  You know the girl I'm talking about.  The Bridget Jones in many of us of "why can't I just find a guy?".  BUT being on my own gave me career opportunities, and get to live in area of our country I might not have if not tide down.  And because of all I went through I met the love of my life at 29.  And we were meant to be.  Simple as that.

And as for the IF journey.  Do I wish anything were different?  Of course, I wish it had happened sooner.  That we didn't have problems.  That we could have immediately afforded tons of treatment bam.bam.bam instead of spreading it out for the past several years.  But then I wouldn't be an advocate.  I would not have met some of the women I've met.  I would not have some of the friends I now have because of it.  I would not be as strong.  I would not be as wise.  I would not be as sympathetic to others.  So yes, let it happen already!  But at the same time, I'm partially grateful for the journey.

When I stop and think of the people I've gotten to know due to IF.  It's HUNDREDS of people.  There are 75 of us from two years ago on 3T in my private FB group.  There are another 30ish? in the COA proboard group that all met when I first started, many of whom went on to 3T over three years ago.  And there are several ladies that if I saw their sign on name or avatar I'd immediately remember fondly.  And there are hundreds more who I wouldn't remember because they were not around too long- but I'm sure would remember me.  And we were all touched at one point by the shared struggle of IF and a website.  Amazing.

And it's amazing my little voice could have much impact.  I created this picture  over a year ago...

And this year I saw someone post it for NIAW.  And THEY didn't get it from me.  They got it from pinterest.  It's been pinned over a hundred times on other people's boards.  Some little thing I made for a laugh.  Or that my youtube videos have been viewed by hundreds.  The internet did that!  

Can you imagine trying to go through this without the internet?  Even just 10 or 15 years ago without the forums to talk, vent, or get advice.  Without googling symptoms.  Without meme's and ecards to make you laugh.  Without videos to make you cry.  I can't.  I cannot imagine the last three years without you guys.  And I am forever grateful. 

CD11 monitoring, ready to trigger for #5

So not having monitoring on the weekend was fine.  I had mini tiny baby fears of too many follicles and getting canceled so I mentally prepared myself for news of all kinds. From "You need to keep stimming" to "there's only one", to being OK with moving ahead if there was five, to "I'm sorry there are seven and we need to cancel you."   All fears put to rest when there were just two on right that were above 10mm and two on left above 10mm.

So the two on my left that were at 11mm grew to 18.5 and 14 and the two on my right that grew were 15 and 11mm.  Of course in the next two days the 15 and 14 could grow to be 21 and 20mm because I have had 3mm of growth a day just last cycle so there is a chance I'll have three when I ovulate on Thursday.  But at least one, probably two.  I'm good with that.  Lining was only 7.5, so a little bummed on that.  Last time it was 8.9 at this point.  And this time I drank more stinkin POM wonderful because I thought maybe last cycle   that was the reason I had such a nice lining.  Now I'm just chalking it up to me being me.  Because last time I drank 24oz over four days.  This time I drank 48oz over eight days.  ::::shrugs::::  I'm not buying into the pom theory.  Especially since that stuff's so expensive.

So, here goes nothing.  Trigger tonight between 8:30 and 9:30 -which happens to be during my shift tonight at work.  For those that might not remember what I do now, I manage the cashiers at the front lanes of a Super Tar.get.  So I get to give myself a shot in the bathroom.  Yippee!  ((Dripping with sarcasm)).  And after 8 hours of work I then get to come home and have sex at 10:45 at night.  Thankfully I can sleep in the next day.  Jeff? Not so much.  Oh well, what are ya gonna do?

So total stimming?  Seven days.  75iu of Follistim each day.  I still have 3x900iu pens in my fridge that are from Bethany that don't expire until May 2014 (and 150iu left in current pen).  But I am really hoping I get to donate those on very soon.  Pay if forward peeps!  If I only seem to use 525iu per IUI, I wonder how much I'd need if I did do IVF?  I still can't imagine I'd need more than my stash even if we had one more IUI.  Even if I did two more IUIs, I'd still then have 1800iu left for IVF -good lord she gave me a lot of drugs!  And a big thanks to Katy J for my trigger shot I'll be taking tonight.  I have so many wonderful ladies that have offered me drugs I have to keep turning people away, and tell them to offer them up to the donation pool.  How did I get so lucky? I've felt very loved lately and cannot wait to return the favor.  Please, please let it be soon.  

Avoid the weekend at all costs!

So, I got the feeling earlier this week that my RE's group offices had a conspiracy going on:  avoid the weekend at all costs!  There are only two of their several offices open on the weekend, and I think they only wanted the people that are absolutely necessary (you know IVF retrievals or transfers...and now I'm wondering if they actually pushed protocols on them so no one would need it around now)  and **maybe** IUIs if no other way around timing.  But I was told last Tuesday at my baseline to make an appointment for the following Tuesday "just in case" as it was filling up quickly.

Now, having done this two other times I know that I normally go in cd7, cd9, and cd11.  Due to the weekend they are just skipping cd9.  OK fine I guess...but it just seems funny that I had an IUI on Easter last year and it was NBD, and last cycle I had monitoring over Saturday and on Martin Luther King Day - again, it ain't no thing.  But yesterday everyone was like "OK, see you Tuesday."  "I think the doctor will agree we don't need to see you until Tuesday."  "You have an appointment already in the books for Tuesday right?"

OK, OK I get it!  There are a few times a year you guys really don't want to see me.  But you're medical professionals and everyone should take turns so that everyone only has to work like one major holiday weekend a year.  My mom works Hospice and has always had to "pick" her summer holiday (Memorial, 4th of July or Labor day) and her Winter holiday (Thanksgiving, Xmas eve, Xmas day, New Years) that she for sure needed off and which she'd prefer and they try to make it work.  ::::shrugs:::::I don't know.  I know since

I always make it to cd11 fine, I don't feel too worried.  But there is that little voice in my head saying "what if things go crazy in there?"  I already have two 11mm on my left after just three days of shots, and on my right I had "tons of activity" but none over 10mm yet.  (I counted six follies that all looked around 7-8mm).  9:45am on Tuesday can't come soon enough.  But that means my IUI is (as I suspected) most likely Thursday.  My home office is closed on Thursday, and I have to choose between the two nearest....Hoffman Estates or Buffalo Grove.  I've gone to Hoffman three times, once for monitoring, one for p4, and once for IUI.  And IDK, I don't like that office (except for the Ultrasound tech) and I *really* don't like the nurses.  They seem to be cold, clinical, and rough.  So I told Jeff we'll try out Buffalo Grove this time because I really don't want to go to Hoffman again.  FX that I have two to four follies sizes 18-24mm with triple striped lining over 9mm!

Meh...start of IUI#5

I don't know why but I have a cartoon in my head when thinking of this.  And it's got that corny announcer in a plaid jacket overlooking a horse race saying "And they're off!"  And then the camera pans down to a horse hanging out  in the gates eating a long straw of hay that then shrugs his shoulders and that noise "wa-wa-waaaaah" goes on in the background.  Seriously have no idea why this is what comes to mind :::shrugs like the cartoon horse:::


I do know that Tuesday was cycle day 4, and  got my baseline, and started the drugs.  Lather, rinse, repeat.....As needed.


This time though, I have a confession to make.  I forgot about all my little superstitious rituals.  I forgot to wear lucky socks from one of the girls gift packs.  I forgot to tuck my hope stone into my pocket, I forgot to wear my IF necklace or common thread bracelet.  I forgot it all.  Eh? I know it's not what does or does not make or break a cycle.  I know what it is, is something to help me remember I'm not alone.  That they're all reminders of friends and family and ideas to fight the emotional turmoil of this.  I guess I've done this enough that maybe I don't need them as much?  Or maybe I'm just not as excited this time that it's not filling my every thought? Or maybe I'm just tired.  So tired.  I have such a "Been there, done that" attitude.  When I went into the ultrasound room and she told me to get undressed waist down and use the paper sheet etc. I was like:  This is my sixth treatment cycle.  Not my first time to the rodeo (or horse race as the metaphor should be).

And that's kind of how this how this whole start to the cycle feels.
"Same old story, Same old song and dance"
Yet for the record as I always do....

AFC:  9 on right, 8 on left
Meds:  75iu Follistim started on cd4
Next monitoring?:  Friday May 24th 8am

What's new?:  Info given to me on BPAs harm to morph.   And research showing DH should "expel" everyday for 7-10 days before day of trigger shot.  This is new, and worries me a bit on how it will help or hurt his count.  We'll see next week I guess.  Please let it help, I'd hate for us to have done something that hurts our chances.  But it is funny to think poor man now has to either whack off everyday or have sex, and when I told him we wouldn't be having that much sex because it was "too much to handle"  he was sad.  But since I have to do shots everyday, it's like he's almost a little happy to have his own homework assignment.  ((Now picturing a horse with the biggest grin across it's face)).

A week of speaking out for NIAW

Because the past two years I didn't go in with a plan - I let it flow organically from what I saw - I wanted to put all of my NIAW posts here because I may be most proud of this year's NIAW posts.  Thank you to all of my FB IF sisters who either inspired certain posts, had posts I outright copied, or tweaked to make my own.  While I've had this hope every year, I still hold on to it:  I hope that next NIAW I can have a video that shows our struggle and our little miracle at the end.  Much love to all of you brave enough to have "come out" for the first time this year.  And (((HUGS))) to those who didn't feel they could - we'll continue to be your voice.  Not just this week, but whenever we educate people on infertility.  And without further ado...my posts:

Friday before NIAW:
Sunday marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. This is an issue that is very close to my heart, and from early on, I decided to not struggle with this silently. I want to and have tried to be very open about infertility and the affects of dealing with this life changing disease. 

As I have for the previous two years during NIAW, I hope to give facts, insights, show some video's in hopes of helping my friends and family support others who've lost a piece of themselves to Infertility. ♥ I also will try to answer any questions, should anyone private message me, or pose a question about it on my wall or in comments to my posts.

**And I changed my timeline cover photo to this***

First day of NIAW:
It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Infertility (inability to conceive after a year of trying) is something one in eight couples struggle with. Chances are, I'm not your only facebook friend either currently dealing with it, or has dealt with it in the past and has come to a resolution. It's a fairly silent disease as many feel isolated or shameful of the diagnosis. For those who suffer silently, this week I will help be your voice. Infertility is not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of!
***And I changed my timeline cover photo to this***

And my Avatar pic to this:  

later that day:I believe that with dealing with infertility, that support is very important. I have support from my loving husband, friends and family. But also from many ladies just like me. To my COA ladies (woot woot!) I love you. But this special video girl-crush love letter goes out to the 3T Cool Kids. We all met back around 2011 - and they've made the past two years so much easier. ♥ Thanks ladies!  *link to this video is in the previous blog post or can be found Here*

Second day of NIAW:NIAW day 2: Only 15 states have laws requiring some insurance coverage for infertility treatments. Many of the states that require coverage have loopholes to allow employers to avoid providing coverage.

Illinois does require employers to provide coverage - but our "loophole" was that it was diagnosis only, which ended back in mid 2010. We've paid completely out of pocket for all of our treatments thus far. But I am excited to say my new insurance does have some coverage that started April 1st this year, making treatments about one-fourth the cost of what we've been paying!

With the amount we've spent since 2010, we could have....Bought a used 2004 Ford Mustang, OR redone our all inclusive resort Mexico honeymoon THREE times, OR bought all new furniture for our home in every.single.room. Literally.

Later that day:  With today's post about the cost of infertility wanted to share again the video I made last year for National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). You can help by writing your representatives and letting them know that infertility is a disease, and as other diseases - it should be partially covered by insurance. http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/  ***Linked my YouTube video on Cost of IF that can be found HERE

Later that day again:A friend of a friend mentioned something today about the NIAW posts on costs of infertility and said we were "pretty much whining that your fellow Americans should pay for your medical expenses?" Please don't misunderstand what we're saying! 

People pay partially for their insurance through their paycheck, their company pays another portion. It's not Medicaid, we're not asking you to foot the bill. We're asking that it be required to be partially coverage in all states. Not just 15.

And mainly, what I want is the ability to have the negotiated rates. My doctor hikes up prices, knowing from many he'll get the much lower negotiated rate. Instead I have to pay 4x more than a friend that has coverage even if she hasn't met her deductible and is still paying OOP? How is that fair? So before you think I'm asking for a hand out, really think about what we're hoping for. THIS is part of spreading awareness.

Third day of NIAW:National Infertility Awareness Day 3: A lot of people, when hearing of a couple's infertility, like to give the *advice* of "you can always adopt." 

Check out this spreadsheet to see what "just" adopting entails. These are rough estimates as a lot of the ladies I know from my support groups could attest, the costs can go much, much higher.

One last thing, while adopting is a beautiful thing, it is not a cure for infertility. Not every person going through infertility will feel led to adopt, not to mention that adopting is not only for infertiles. To tell someone to "just" adopt not only makes adoption seem like an easy thing to do, but it makes it seem like a second rate option, NEITHER OF WHICH IT IS.

National Infertility Awareness Week Day 4: Impatience is not a fertility problem. Relaxation is not a fertility treatment. Looking for the right thing to say to someone who's dealing with infertility? "I'm sorry", "I'm here if you want to talk", "I'll pray for you", or sometimes just a hug is all that's needed. 

Do not tell someone to relax, take a vacation, or that it's "God's plan" because this sounds like God finds crack users or teenagers more ready for parenthood than those dealing with IF. And examples of a friend who either tried for 15 years and it magically happened or adopted and then got pregnant may seem like cute anecdotes to you, but for IF'ers it's just depressing.

Joking "maybe you're not doing it right" is condescending and mean. And "But trying is the fun part" isn't funny or true after the first year. Think before you speak.

***And changed my avatar again.  This time to this****

Day 5 National Infertility Awareness Week: Myth Bustin! There are several myths or misconceptions about IF. 

Myth #1: Infertility treatments always result in multiples.
Fact: The goal of infertility treatments is to have one baby. While ovarian stimulating hormones are often a part of treatments, cases such as Octomom and Kate Gosselin are results of medical irresponsibility and choosing to ignore doctor's orders. Pregnancies with multiples can be very dangerous for both mom and babies, all risk factors are considered during treatments. Of my #75strong I made the video for, you can see there are 8 sets of twins, or about one third of our success stories.

Myth #2: If you previously got pregnant or had a child you will have no problem conceiving again.
Fact: Infertility can strike at any time. Secondary infertility, the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after successfully conceiving one or more children, is incredibly common. Those dealing with secondary IF often don't seek treatment, being told they have nothing to worry about and to just relax and keep trying. Testing standards (after one year of actively trying, 6 months if the woman is 35 or older) apply to all couples, no matter how many children they have.

Myth #3: It's the woman's fault
Fact: Not so much. About 35% of infertility cases are shown to the woman's problem, another 35% are shown to be the man's problem, 20% are a combined problem, and 10% are unexplained.

NIAW Day 6: For those of you who have been trying for over a year (or 6 month if you are over 35yo) and wonder what your next steps should be...Testing to diagnose the cause of infertility involves – at the very least – blood work at two different and specific parts of the female partner’s cycle and an ultrasound of your ovaries and uterus, a sonogram of the fallopian tubes, and a sperm analysis for the male partner. The testing can be ordered by an OB/gyn, but the proper specialist to interpret the results, form the plan of action, and treat infertility (including proper monitoring of prescriptions) is a reproductive endocrinologist. Often in cases where male factor infertility is a concern, a urologist will also be consulted. Consult with your OB/gyn or insurance company for providers in your area.

Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week. And I want you to know there is no “One size fits all” answer for everyone and no one is every truly “cured”. Be it infertility treatments, adoption, fostering or choosing to live child free after your journey – while these are all resolutions, they all come with their own unique struggles. And the aftermath is not without an IF taint.
An IF’er even once pregnant fears something will go wrong after years of nothing but things going wrong. An adoptive mother feels sorrow that she missed out on giving birth. A foster parent knows the chance of having to say goodbye to someone they’ve cared for. And someone having made the choice to live childfree still has to live with people constantly asking, “Do you have children?”
To all those that are currently in or have come out the other the other side of IF… we are forever linked. For only those that have been there, understand. And for those of you fortunate enough to not understand, I hope this week has given you a glimpse into our world. And I hope you move forward with a little more knowledge and compassion for those who have lived it.
I wanted to end with this video, which I have shared every year since coming out of the IF closet...because it is what made me want to be a voice for infertility and touches on so much.

****With a Link to Keiko Zoll's "What IF" video**** Found here

This year's NIAW video....2013

I'm usually not a very emotional.  But this year when I sat down to think about what I wanted to make for this year's video for NIAW I suddenly became a puddle of mush when the idea came to me - I wanted to honor my support group.
Now, admittedly I am part of several.  There is a group of women that all met on The bump when I first started TTC - many of whom ended up having trouble TTC and went through infertility treatments.  But a few who didn't.  They are the Coalition of Awesome.  Many of them taught me what I know today about IF.  Many of them don't know that the wisdom I pass on is from them.  I lost touch with some of them for a while but in the past year and a half got into a forum to get to catch up again.  And it's great!  It's like hanging with your old college buddies.
And I'm still on the Bump's 3T page, and there is a recent group of regs who I'm starting to feel connected to; Cara, Naria, Wolfette, IntuitiveBlue, Curlylocks, Twinkie and more - but many are in their first year of treatment and so I feel more like a someone who was held back in school two years.  But they are a source of comfort and I do feel like I can be an educational resource for them having been on the board for three years now (three???).
But then there is there's my 75 ladies.  The one's I met not when I first started trying, not the ones that I've met recently.  But those that were all in the trenches with me for all of the past two years.  The time since I didn't have the naive thoughts of "This will happen quick."  The ones who have been there for the most severe ups and downs of our journey -and I with theirs'.  The girls I've hardly gone a day without checking in on.
And so I went about thinking, how can I honor them and educate the public on IF at the same time?  I spent hours making a spreadsheet, seeing where everyone was in their journey, compiling pictures, finding a song that fit our journey, and getting the wording right - but I think I finally got it.  Yesterday I posted it on my wall, and several have shared or are planning to share it.  I hope those close to me that hear me talk about "My girls", my husband, friends and parents included - finally see a bit more of just how much they mean to me when I talk about them.  That while I've only met a few of them IRL they really are now some of my closest friends.