saying goodbye to old friends

So over five years ago I went to my parents and rented a UHaul a few months after my grandmother had passed, in order to drive home my dining room table and hutch.  It was originally my great grandmother Katy's (whom I was named after), then it was my mothers.  When my grandmother passed - my mom took her set and I got the antique!  But since we had a Uhaul, my parents also wanted me to take a few boxes of childhood items in the thought that eventually if I had a little girl I could share my beloved possessions.  Well over five years later and here we are...I need to start packing for the move.

So I decided to start in the least used room in the town house - the guest bedroom.  And in this closet held much of my childhood.  In one box was a collection of books I read around ages 8-10.  Harriet the Spy was my favorite.  I decided to just take the whole dang box off to our local library so that hopefully so other little girls could enjoy the adventures within the pages.  Then the stuffed animals.  Well - some.  We still can't find a box my parents must have with my absolute favorites.  Anyway, I kept three that have special meaning.  I took ten (after a good wash and dry to remove the dusty smell) off to Goodwill to bring smiles to other children.  And I have six that some people might find collectible to put up on ebay to see if they get a bite (Muppet Babies and Opus).  I also got a breast pump that my dad got me for free when he worked for Medela back in 2000 wrapped up to mail off to one of my fellow IFers who has become PG after five years and going the foster to adopt route.  Yes, it was slightly sad that the reason I was purging this closet was because there will never be a little girl to call our own - but I also felt really good donating all these things because while they touched my life they will touch so many more now.

I've said before that one thing I find sad about being childless is that I won't have anyone to pass the stories, traditions, and history of me down to others.  I think that's inherently human.  But I can at least pass on the smiles.  BUT since the internet is forever (so they say) I think I will start to every now and then blog about stories and memories as a therapeutic way to know they are out there.

And so a quick story about two of the things I got rid of today that are tied to one thing - the annual work Christmas Party my parents would go to when I was a kid.  My dad worked for Alberto Culver (they make shampoo and hair spray and such - or at least did in the 80s...I honestly don't know if they're still in business)  Each year, their party had a theme and center pieces around the theme.  One year it was "Carousel" (Slightly Paris too).  My Dad got one of the center pieces and made it into a lamp as part of my room design for my 10th birthday.  Today I put this horse on the curb for trash pick up as I don't have the shade anymore, don't even know if it works, and it's got a stain so I don't even want to try to sell it.  Goodbye Nelly - thanks for being the light of my room for five years as a tween.

Another year, the theme was the Jungle.  And my dad brought back a giant Monkey "Coco" and Elephant "Mr. Snuffles".  Mr. Snuffles still resides at my parents house and was enjoyed years ago by my nephew Jack.  But today I said goodbye to Coco as she went off to donation.  Please ignore the double chin and pony tail hair... at the last minute I decided to do a selfie and didn't take the time to frame the shot properly.

Floor Plan - way too much fun

So there is this website that is waaay too much fun that let's you (for free) design floor plans.  You can do a room or the whole level.  *But note you can't do one room at a time and then link them, or not that I could see.  So I spent much of this evening doing the entire house.  

House Update!

So it *only* took 173 days from the day we put an offer in on the house to hear the short sale is approved! LOL.  I really never ever expected a "short sale" to take this long.  I know they said it could take a while, but everyone expected four to five months for us to be fully moved in.  It will be seven months probably from day of offer (May 31st) to the day we're hoping to close (Dec. 31st).  Whew.

But now a different nerve wracking wait begins - the mortgage approval.  Yes, we were pre-approved eight months ago.  And it was after our hard work of getting our credit rate in better shape to be able to even qualify.  And yes, we've continued to make smart choices in these past eight months to keep our credit looking good - and maybe even raise up.  But there is still that fear and the reasoning is a little hard to explain - but let me try.

July 2013 we noticed Jeff's check was larger.  Turns out his law school student loan was paid off; after 20 years...TWENTY YEARS people!  I had him double triple check with his HR department because I joked when we got married that we'd be paying it off until we retire.  HR checked and said "Yep, you've fulfilled what they said you owe."  Woohoo!  Then about three months ago Jeff got a letter from the Dept of Education saying he owed money on it.  The letter looked suspicious so we thought perhaps it was a scam trying to steal his info (because it did ask for SSN and the like) but after a call to government nope - it's real.  So we did the initial appeal, because how can he still owe money if the wage garnishment that we'd been paying for years said we paid it off?  They claim it happens all the time; and quite frankly we still don't understand where the mix up is.  But after a month or so, the appeal was denied.  (When does the government actually work *fast*? When you don't want them to.)  The next step would be to bring it to court for further appeal and what are the chances of winning that?  And what would that cost be upfront compared to just paying off what they say we still owe over time?  So we think we'll just swallow this shit.  But because we were not paying for over a year does it show up in a credit report as delinquent?  No one seems to be able to answer that question.  And how unfair would that be?! That we would have kept paying if we were not told it was paid.  Because no one seems to be able to answer that.  We're hoping that the answer is no, because if it was yes - wouldn't they be able to tell us that?  But instead we have to just sit and hope this doesn't screw us out of our home.    It KILLS me that no one can answer that simple question of if it will show up suddenly on our credit report (as it hasn't yet).

But let's get back to the happy news of at least this wait will be short.  Awaiting mortgage approval will not drag out like the short sale approval.  But now let's address the other fear.  The fear that comes from being IF turned Child Free living.  You get so used to getting your hopes up for the last several years for them all the fall apart in terms of having a child that you think that will happen to other things in your life.  This time last year I learned that I was pregnant.  Only for five weeks later for my world to come crashing down.  So I guess I'm waiting for that shoe to drop because I can't possibly get something in life I want, right?  There is some bad karma from a past life fucking with me, right?  But then I tell myself that's a dumb way to think  - one doesn't have anything to do with the other.  And hell, I hit the jackpot in finding an awesome husband and I never worry about that.  So I'm trying to do some positive thinking.  But once again, I am asking the universe for a little good juju.  Please?  I'm so ready to start this new chapter in our lives.

Halloween and fears ahead

I love halloween.  Like looooove halloween.  I like being able to dress up as someone else.  I don't know why but that aspect is a big part of it.  I guess since I liked playing dress up as a child it shouldn't be too surprising.  But I also love to see all the cute pictures of kiddos.  And cuties coming to our door.  And candy!  And it's during my favorite time of year  - FALL.  I'm addicted to the leaves changing and getting to wear sweaters and boots.  But being married to someone who doesn't love halloween admittedly puts a damper on it.  Do I get a little jealous that I don't have a little one to show off in their cute little outfit? Of course!  But strangely what makes me more jealous now - is when I see a husband that likes halloween.  I can't go all out on halloween because Jeff won't dress up, won't go out.  Blah.

I decided I was dressing up.  No I didn't go all out - I went as Axl Rose.  Just need a red bandana and plaid flannel over Guns and Roses t shirt.  That's what I liked about it, it was regular clothes and fairly simple so as not to be over the top to Jeff but still in the spirit of halloween.  But it just made me realize how fun it was to dress up again.  Double edged sword.  First world problems right?

But damnit I enjoyed the holiday - I carved my pumpkin (which Jeff thinks is cute that I love the holiday that much that I do it), I roasted the seeds, I made a fall wreath, and damn it I dressed up!  Because while Jeff and I are so similar in most ways, I decided I was embracing this difference.  Now if only next year we had a party to go to and I could convince him to go all out.

the design vs my free hand carve

But with the turn to November - we are facing something scarier than halloween...the milestones that will be coming up in the next two months.  On Nov 15th last year I had my FET.  And over Thanksgiving week (M, W, F) is when I had my betas to learn we were pregnant.  And on Dec 27th we learned sometime earlier in the week, our son had passed (I morbidly believe it was Christmas Day because Christmas Eve night I had morning sickness and on Christmas it was like most all my pregnancy symptoms went away).  And on New Years Eve I took the miso and at 5am New Years Day I passed our son into this world.  All three frickin holidays.  But it's been a year of mourning and healing - so I'm not dreading the holidays.  I love them - and I don't want our loss to change that.  I know I will have moments of sadness.  I'm preparing myself for that.  But I'm also doing everything I always love to do for the season.  I've designed our Christmas card, I've started planning out gifts for everyone, and knowing what dish I'm cooking for Thanksgiving.  While I'm not religious, I will be giving thanks this year that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness stronger.  I know not all marriages survive infertility - and I'm very thankful for our love.  So maybe FDR was right - the only thing to fear, is the fear itself.  I can get over this fear - in part because I've gotten over worse.

But want to hear something I'm doing as a remembrance if you will of the year?  For the first 35 years of my life, my mom would buy us our annual Christmas ornament.  Last year as she retired, she and my dad decided that was one tradition that they'd have to give up to cut back on Christmas costs so I've taken up the tradition for Jeff and I.  And because of this post and realization that my heart has grown larger this year from the love and support of my groups over the loss of our son - this years ornament for me is this Grinch.  As soon as I saw it, I was like "That's the one!"  It will forever remind me that even in the worst of times, my life was filled with love.  Maybe strange... but child like and whimsical seems fitting to encompass the emotion.  I want to hold on to the good.  And look how cute!  And it even has sound of part of the story that talks about his heart growing three sizes.  And THAT my dear readers is part of what this holiday is about and what it will mean to me this year.

My Kryptonite - doctors

So the past four months I've had to tell various people that we are done with trying for a child.  You could say it's my own fault for being so open with people about our trying and IF.  But that's who I am.  I came from a mother who we call "tells you more than you want to know" (because she's the type in a grocery store line that will chat up the stranger behind her and the cashier).  Case in point...when she was visiting me in August we went to Tar get (where I work) to get her buttermilk.  I didn't see any so I had to ask two coworkers for help.  She started telling them she needed it to keep from getting canker sores in her mouth. MOM!  Stop it!  But I digress - I'm sure this is one reason why I am so open.

So as I was saying, I'm fairly used to telling people about our fertility journey and now the end of it.  In fact, I'd say I have a 'party line' when people ask.  I say "After five years, six IUI cycles, two IVFs, one FET, two miscarriages, and over $30,000 - we're done."  It's like it's my defense response because I feel if I lay out just how long, all we did and what we spent - then they'll think I didn't give up without a fight.  Like I want to feel justified in ending.  Now of course this often leads to a bit more conversation than this one sentence - but I've handled it great...

That is until I'm faced with a doctor.  I don't know why they are my kryptonite; but they are.  I start talking to them, giving them the party line - and tears start streaming down my face.  Which tends to lead to move conversation on it, and more tears.  And it's like a snowball - if they stopped talking, I could wipe the few tears and go back to being fine but the more they probe the more the tears flow.

But I love my GP.  We were doing my annual physical and then she asked and I told her.  And we talked.  And finally she ended the conversation with what I believe to be true  - Well, you're not depressed - you're in mourning.  BOOM.  She got me.  Talk about an A-HA moment.   I had earlier been talking about work and house hunting, and just - life.  And I am fine and happy with life.  I am not depressed.  But I am still in mourning.  It'd be like if you talked to a person about their grandma dying - it's sad, but you had seen it coming for a while.  Doesn't mean you don't feel joy in much of your life, just if you bring up that topic I'm still mourning.

In one of my groups, COA there was an update thread.  And I was sort of bragging on how well we're doing with moving on child free.  I can't help it.  I really feared I would be a mess.  I considered starting therapy - as there is nothing wrong with asking for help when needed.  And I'm not saying I'm stronger than others for not needing it.  And every now and then I still think maybe I should have.   But I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm really fine without it.  Just every now and then, I'm in mourning.

Oct 15th Wave of Light in remembrance of Loss children

So I'm sure those following my blog have enough friend's that are "One in four" that you probably know today is Infant and Miscarriage Loss remembrance day.  And there is a movement called the wave of light - where in people light a candle and place in their windows at 7pm (any time zone) so that say it starts in New York then sweeps west each hour.  I was working last year on the 15th, the first year post first loss and could not participate.  And the next day was the due date for that child - so I felt more of a connection to my loss the following day.  That's when I went out and photographed the world the first time in remembrance of my first loss.  That day I posted, and "outed" myself for our loss, sharing the pictures.  It was very cathartic having it out there.  And yes, I got many comments of love and support, as well as two other FB friends (people I knew earlier in life but don't keep up now...you know those FB friends) well they opened up about their recent loss.  So I felt good, not only getting the weight of our loss being a semi-secret - off my chest, but also the thought that I might have helped these others feel less alone and that it was ok to talk about it.

Then this August for our second loss's EDD, I posted the pictures...but didn't mention the "why".  Anyone looking would just assume I just took nature shots I wanted to share (unless they scrolled through all of them, got to the last photo that had my necklace in the foreshot "Forever in our hearts" with baby feet.  They'd have to still put two and two together.

With that being only two months ago - and fresh.  And a harder loss on me...I don't know, it's like that one because it's that much harder, I don't want to come out about it fully.  Like, I like that many random FB friend's from HS or college can be oblivious about it.

I will participate in the wave of light.  And I might share that pic on instagram (I have much fewer randoms there).  But I don't think I'll post anything personal on FB because while the love and support is well meaning - it's hard to explain - but feels like pity sometimes.  I know this is totally irrational.  But it's one of those things, those stupid irrational feelings - of a child free person.  I feel often like it comes across as being an attention whore of "look at me, I've had such horrible things happen.  IF and Loss and now I have to continue on child free" - and that's not what I want.  I'm not trying to play the victim.  I don't want the sympathy.  For me it's more a statement of fact (and internal sadness).  The awareness without the pity.  But since I can't convey that I don't want to feel the victim- and my friend's don't know they're making me feel pity (Because while my feelings may be irrational, I know they're not true...I know that's not the emotions my friends are trying to convey when they say they're sorry or post a heart) instead I'll just abstain from FB.  I think.  Of course, I go back and forth on this.   Part of me is like - hey, a way to get over an irrational fear is facing it.  Allow the love and support reminding myself it's not pity.  IDK, It's just hard to explain.

Maybe I'll just be one of those annoying cryptic people.  I could post the picture of the candle lit at 7pm - without word or explanation because then those who know and understand will get it.  And it keeps me from opening myself up to those that personally have not been touched by loss.  A show of solidarity of fellow loss momma's.  Because that's really what I'm looking for today...a small gesture to show that yes, I'll never forget my losses or theirs (I know waaaay too many).  But more importantly - all the women who have experienced loss - to just show I stand with them in their grief.  Who knows.  I'll have to think more on this and how I feel - because above all...I'm trying to protect my heart.  All reading - do whatever is best for your heart today...and know there might be friends of yours unsure how to make it through today as well.

White Trash / Christmas Crunch - AKA Jeff's Crack

Monday is Jeff's birthday and for every year since we've been married I have made him his favorite treat.  The woman who gave me the recipe said it's referred to by some as "Christmas Crunch" and others call it "White Trash" (I like this one) but here we just refer to it as Jeff's Crack.

I have the recipe saved on an old email (hotmail) that I stopped using four years ago after it was hacked and I thought instead of every year having to go find it in that email where spam goes to die (because now that's the address I give for companies when I don't want their email) I would just share it here with you all.  I can always remember what goes in it, just never remember how much of what.  Our friend's wife used to bring it every year to the fest.  So our first year living together I asked Jeff if he wanted a cake, pie, or brownies on his birthday he said "none of it" and I surprised him with this and he told me I had committed myself to a tradition.  Thank goodness it's easy!  It's super simple but oh-so-good.

Recipe:  3 Cups Rice Chex, 3 Cups Corn Chex, 2 Cups Cheerios, 2 cups small pretzel twists, 2x 12oz bags of white chocolate chips, one 16 oz bag of milk chocolate M&Ms.  **You'll also need wax paper**.

I have a hug bowl that I use for halloween candy.  It's the perfect size.  First mix the Chex, Cheerios, and Pretzels.  (I'll admit after the first year since I used both kinds of Chex - it took us forever to finish the two boxes...so now I cheat and just use rice chex).

Next - Melt the white chocolate one bag at a time in a glass bowl.

I know many bakers are all about the double boiler but I confess I'm lazy...I use the microwave.  A friend said she burned chocolate doing it this way so let me tell you how I do it.  Glass bowl...70% power 1min 15 sec - stir and repeat once.  It makes a 12oz bag gooey goodness very frickin quick.

I stir in the melted white chocolate and half the bag of M&M's while the second bag of white chocolate is melting.  Yes, to make it not so high in calories you can only use one bag of White Chocolate and 12oz of M&Ms but we agree with who gave us the recipe - just not as good.

 Once you've stirred in the two bags of melted white chocolate and the entire bag of M&Ms just lay it out on wax or parchment paper to harden.  Be sure you have a table or four feet of counter top space as this takes up room unless you want large chunks.

Admittedly, it makes a lot.  We usually fill a gallon bag and throw it in the freezer.  Makes a good party snack.  And the great thing about M&Ms is they make many color varieties for holidays so during Christmas you can buy the red and green.  I seriously thought of buying the pumpkin spice M&Ms that are all orange and brown to see how it tastes but decided I didn't want to mess with tradition on his birthday.   One year I did make him another batch at Valentine's day with the red and pink and it looked cute.

Warning, this is only half of it, so you can see what I mean by needing counter space.  Good news is took me only 10 minutes to make.  And clean up is super easy as you just have the two bowls with white chocolate...just start very hot water running and boom - clean in a minute.