Debbie Downer today

So it looks that cycle 12 is a bust and we will officially move on to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I fear all that will lie ahead with this... possible infertility diagnosis, having to take injections, hormones wrecking my "normal" feelings, weekly blood work or ultra sounds to see how things are going.
One thing I hate, is that the procedures are so unknown to the average person. I have to explain to my mother (who is a nurse for goodness sake) what and why are the next steps. And none of my friends have dealt with it so it's all so unfamiliar to them. They want to seem supportive, yet they just can't understand. The worst is people who make comments without thinking, like "are you sure you guys are doing it right?". I know they don't know what to say so they are just trying to be funny, but seriously? Don't they know how rude that is for people who have been desperately trying to have a child of their own?! Obviously I don't wish infertility on anyone but sometimes I wish the awareness & knowledge was more common so that I didn't feel I get to be the "educational ambassador" for everyone around me. *sigh*

Memory Lane - West Virginia

Musical trip down memory lane today! I've listened to Moulin Rouge Soundtrack, Poe's Haunted and now Liz Phair's album "Liz Phair". These were my fav cd's around 2003-2004 when I lived in West Virginia. They make me think of taking drive down curvy mountainsides with my Saab convertible's top down while singing at the top of my lungs.
In a job interview the other week, I was asked if I miss sales. Don't get me wrong, I loved it while I did it (except the last nine months), but I don't miss sales at all. What I miss is the feeling of success and the autonomy from "the man" most of the time. I always loved that some times in Iowa or West Virginia I would set up sales calls an hour away from the office. I'd plan the music for the drive - - maybe a little Evanescence or Red Hot Chili Peppers. And love the drive! Especially in West Virginia, the scenery is just gorgeous! And that's what I miss...an excuse to take a scenic drive with good music and just my voice and thoughts keeping me company. Well, that and lunches with my co-workers laughing over stupid stuff. :)
This also makes me miss buying "whole" CD's. I don't remember the last time I bought a "full" album on iTunes. What am I missing out on by just buying songs I hear on the radio? Or by not riding around in cars with "the girls" anymore? I would never have heard of Poe if not for Joy & our camping trip to Ohio.
I think after this album I may go way back, to college and little to some DMB, Counting Crows, and Smashing Pumpkins. It's always nice to to immerse in the old times, while still loving life now.

"Everybody's doin' it!"

It feels like often that everyone around you is getting pregnant except for you. I want to know what was in the water that I missed four or five months ago! Two of my cousins are pregnant, a friend of ours Traci (who was told she'd never be able to have children) and two ladies at work. And I think they are all around the four/five month mark. I'm very happy for all of them but I have little pity parties that come in spurts and now that the two women at work are starting to show I have a little "why not me?" envy.
Because I'm currently working at Target I see PG women every day. And have to stock the diaper isle and walk past cute clothes, etc. I think it would be easier if I worked in an office where baby-fever wasn't in my face day after day.
Jeff says that "patients is a virtue. And you just don't have it." Which is true. But sometimes you just feel like saying "Isn't 12 cycles enough to teach me that lesson?" COME ON NOW.
Brit & Barb's daughters are now over a year old. Learning to walk, learning to talk. I guess what it comes down to is the worry that you will never get to experience that. Never celebrate a mother's day of your own. And today that fear has won the battle of the day, but I live to fight again tomorrow.

HSG done

So there are a few steps to take when trying to discover why a couple is not getting pregnant. One of the first is an HSG, where they shoot dye into your uterus and see if it goes thru the fallopian tubes. They say everyone is different as to how it feels. Let me tell you, for me it hurt like a mutha-trucka! But thankfully it is only a few minute procedure and I was told right away everything is all clear. Woohoo!
Only half an hour later I got a call that it's not looking good for the job interview I really want. My dad told me to "focus on the good news. It's more important to you in the big picture." As one of The Bump girls said "sounds like your dad is a good egg." So at the end of the day it was an emotional roller coaster but the pain was short term but the results were so worth that pain, in other words; the juice was worth the squeeze.

The story behind the blog title

Some of you may know the quote above from a movie "The Girl Next Door". I picked this as the title of this little blog of mine for a few reasons. Our last name is ends in "jewski", and in high school my husband's nickname was Juice (he currently uses this nickname for video games and such). I've started this blog to keep track of our TTC journey and hopefully in the future to keep family and friends close to our growing family. And when it comes to having kids, I believe that the juice is worth the squeeze. So welcome to my blog. I'm gonna keep this private for a while so when you're reading this it might be months (or now years) after it was first written. I had thought I was so clever with the title until I tried to get it as the URL as well. Nope, there are several others with the same blog name. But I don't care. I feel it fits my attitude.