Thanks & Giving

So once again it's been over a month and I have not blogged. I don't know that my life is interesting enough to be cut out for this but since this is currently just for myself - I guess it doesn't really matter. It's thanksgiving week and I'm trying to be thankful for all the blessings in life. Starting with my wonderful husband. I am so thankful that we've grown up in a time and culture where the man can cook, help with cleaning, etc. and not be considered less than a man for doing it. With me working weekends, he really steps up and helps out. He's a keeper! :)
I am also thankful that even in this bad economy and even though I hate it (and that it's retail, and that it's minimum wage, ad nauseum) that I have a job and we are making it thru these "lean years". I know that since our love can survive without much material stuff, nice dinners out to eat, and whatnot that our love can survive with just the two of us. I am also thankful that said job will let me off for several days before & after Christmas day so that we can go visit my family for the holidays. This week we will be helping Carol cook the Turkey day feast since she's broken her foot and is supposed to stay off it. - - This should be interesting! I'm happy to cook for the family (with Jeff's help) it's just that it's not my recipes so if it doesn't taste right; I won't even really know it! But I have great in-laws and I'm betting Jeff and Jori will do most of the work. Maybe I can be of more help with cutting & prep work.
And once Friday comes - here comes Christmas season. I "respect the turkey" and wait until after Thanksgiving to start decorating. But I am very happy that this year I have gift ideas for almost everyone in the family...and some gifts already bought! I'm sure the next month will fly by and the holidays will be here before I know it. I will continue in the weeks to come try to slow down and be thankful for the little things and little moments that make life worth living.

Feeling Old

This fall marks the 25th anniversary of one of my all time favorite movies; Back the the Future. It has been in my "top five" list since it came out and I can recite every line my heart...complete with tone and inflection. And it's 25!! I can remember the day I got to see it. I was at the local pool and my brother came by on his bike to tell me we'd rented it from the video store (We'd had a VCR for a whole year people! Remember when that seemed awesome?). I was so excited to see it I jumped out of the pool and came home right then. Later we recorded it off of HBO so that I could watch it over and over again. And it's 25!! I'm sure you can do the math...I was 8 the first time I saw it. I'm going to be 33 in two months.

Now if that doesn't make me feel old enough, Jeff turned 39 this week. And a few people (my brother included) asked if he was turning 40. I remember when my parents turned 40 because I was 11. My parents had a 10 year old daughter and a 14 year old son when they were Jeff's age. OMG! And we're still trying for baby #1!!

But I think the strongest "wow, I feel old" moment came today when I found out that a friend of Jeff's has colon cancer. They are the same age. Jeff said "he's the same age as when his dad got it." But his dad has lived thru it and I'm sure he will too. He's a fighter.

But seriously? This is the second friend of ours to get cancer. When did we get so old? I know you're only as old as you feel, and I've felt stuck at about 26 for the last six years. I can't be feeling arthritis in my fingers and knees yet right? (OH YES I DO) I'm still a young thing damnit!!!

And then I realize it's the perspective that really changes with time. I keep moving my definition of what "old" is whenever I get closer to it. I used to think old was 60, because I remember my grandparents being 60, retired and taking naps. Now that my parents are past that age, still working and alert LOL I think 70's the new "old". Which means what I used to think of 40 year olds now should be applied to people in their 50's. Phew, diverted it off yet again. And yet I still find myself thinking "crazy kids" when a group of teens past me by.......
Man, I am old!

Polish Thanksgiving

My in laws are funny. They invented a holiday 12 years ago. Yes, my in laws are very much like George Costanza's from Seinfeld, inventing Festivus. But my in-laws invented Polish Thanksgiving. Apparently it started years ago when a family friend was going to cut everyone's hair. My MIL said "Why don't I make tons of Polish food if everyone is coming over?" It was a Sunday and aside from eating the tons of Polish food, everyone drank alot. They decided to make it an annual thing but cut out the pesky hair cuts. They move it to Saturday so that people had a day to recover before going back to work. They named it Polish Thanksgiving. This was my fourth year, and I look forward to it for at least two weeks beforehand. The food was, as always, AMAZING. The drinks; plentiful and tasty. The weather? Gorgeous. The only thing that put a hamper on the day? Me not being pregnant, of course.
Now, I think I do a good job many days putting this in a small corner of my mind. Not mentioning it to anyone except my "bump" friends on-line and maybe a quick chat about it to close friends every now and then but this was a tough day.
While outside, two of the older generation ladies were giving me the "relax and it will happen" speech. Anyone dealing with infertility will tell you this is the most annoying statement. I finally said "relaxing will not help Jeff's motility or my progesterone!" It shocked them into silence, but I couldn't sit there anymore. So I moved into the house, where the four women of my generation where sitting (with all their children). Here I was told within minutes of joining that "someone has been pregnant for the last several Christmas's so I guess it's your turn this year Kati." Yeah, I'll get right on that, as if I have not been trying these last 18 cycles. It turns out the woman who said it went thru IVF 13 years ago, and she knows we are having trouble. Of all people, she should know the hurt a statement like this causes.
I broke down in the car ride home (props to me for keeping it together for the several hours that followed). But I realize now that my statement to Jeff of feeling guilty for not being pregnant, might have then put guilt on him. That was not my intention, obviously. I just wanted to sit and let the emotions flow over me. To let it out. In the future, I need to remember that while what others say, might hurt me. In return, what I express to my husband, might hurt him. I should vocalize that I know I'm not alone in the frustration. I don't ever what him to feel that I'm blaming him. I love him too much to let even the possibility of the thought fester. The time with friends and family for 90% was fun, don't get me wrong. But there was still that hanging overhead. And I think that's what most family's don't understand. That while it may not be mentioned; it's always in the mind. I sat their while everyone was taking photos with their children. While mothers compared stories and worries. While children fussed and played. It's an inescapable environment, and there are those of us that can only sit and hope (and sometimes mope).

Hope in all forms welcome

So I went to my second "Bump" get together. It's a group of girls that have been on the website "the bump" sharing in the TTC journey - all just as long, if not longer, than myself. There were seven of us from Chicagoland, NW Indiana & Southern Wisconsin. Three of the seven are now pregnant and one will be doing egg retrieval and egg transfer this week. All very exciting! I was worried that it might be a little depressing to have almost half the group pregnant with all the recent trouble, but thankfully it was more a feeling of hope that filled me. A simple, yet obvious reminder that it does happen. Even for those of us diagnosed as "infertile".
I'm also much more hopeful now since my last post about the progesterone supplements. Day one it just felt like another failure, but now I see it as just another step forward toward the goal; a child.
It is the first full day of a new football season, so I will expect to hear Jeff yelling at the television for the next several months. He is feeling almost 90% better since his surgery and should be fully recovered in another two to three weeks. We have another month before we can find out if the vitamins from Fertility Blend have helped. Or the fruit for that matter...my mother read an article that said men should have fruit twice a day to help with motility issues so I've "suddenly" been buying fruit alot :P. I am excited to see if it's helped so that perhaps we will not need to move on to IUI's in the spring. Of course, getting pregnant would be the real confirmation. But having more "normal" numbers would help even more with that hope issue.

Another straw on the camels back

So today I had the 7dpo blood work to confirm that I'm ovulating and checking my progesterone levels to see if I can sustain a pregnancy. Anything above a 3 is considered ovulating, but they want it to be between 10 and 15 in order to getting pregnant and stay pregnant. Mine was an 8.5 so I've been given a prescription of progesterone to take each month after I ovulate. While I was sitting waiting for the prescription to be filled I had to listen to a baby cry. All I could think was, as if the universe wanted a physical soundtrack to my emotional pain, it provided me a soundtrack. I felt as sad as whatever was making that precious little baby unhappy, and I wanted to cry with her. But I know that this is just a little problem in the world of infertility so I really shouldn't complain. I take a pill, problem fixed. But after the MFI diagnosis it's just another issue keeping us from getting pregnant. Aarrgghhh!

But enough about me and my emotional pain. Poor Jeff is in actual physical pain today because he had his surgery for his umbilical hernia yesterday. It was laproscopic but he still have like six or seven half in cuts. I'm home today taking care of him. I wish there was something I could do aside from be a pill pusher and a cook to make him feel better, but I know only time can do that.

Jane get me off this crazy thing!!!

Yet again, it has happened. I got excited for a job that I thought was perfect for me, and I'd be perfect for. Thought for sure I had it in the bag and any day now I could quit Target. And yet... Nope! Rug was pulled out from under me again. Yes, they liked me. They think I'd fit in great . And clearly I'm qualified, but they don't think they have enough work to afford to bring me on staff at this time. Argh! "Maybe" in fourth quarter they can. I feel defeated. I feel beaten down. I feel exhausted. And it's no wonder. It's been 13 months people! This emotional roller coaster of being excited only to be let down again make it tougher to want to keep buying a ticket and stand in line.

I'm a bad blogger...

So it's been 20 days since my last post and the only thing that's really happened since then is Algonquin Founders Days. Jeff & I had to sleep in the RV down at the park Friday night and it rained 5 inches overnight. The park flooded and we walked thru the over-its-banks creek, (it was up to our mid-calfs), in order to get to our car. They had to cancel all activities in the park for Saturday and Sunday due to flooding. In the 50 years it's gone on, that's never happened! It was so sad to see all the board members faces. It was like they woke up Christmas morning only to hear Christmas was canceled. Months of planning, hours and hours of work down the tubes.
:( The parade & fireworks still happened and we enjoyed them as much as we could all while knowing that the lost revenue will hurt next years fest. We walked around before the fireworks to collect donations and I'm sure there will be other fund raisers to come. The after party is in three weeks at Kevin's and should be fun.