A week of speaking out for NIAW

Because the past two years I didn't go in with a plan - I let it flow organically from what I saw - I wanted to put all of my NIAW posts here because I may be most proud of this year's NIAW posts.  Thank you to all of my FB IF sisters who either inspired certain posts, had posts I outright copied, or tweaked to make my own.  While I've had this hope every year, I still hold on to it:  I hope that next NIAW I can have a video that shows our struggle and our little miracle at the end.  Much love to all of you brave enough to have "come out" for the first time this year.  And (((HUGS))) to those who didn't feel they could - we'll continue to be your voice.  Not just this week, but whenever we educate people on infertility.  And without further ado...my posts:

Friday before NIAW:
Sunday marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. This is an issue that is very close to my heart, and from early on, I decided to not struggle with this silently. I want to and have tried to be very open about infertility and the affects of dealing with this life changing disease. 

As I have for the previous two years during NIAW, I hope to give facts, insights, show some video's in hopes of helping my friends and family support others who've lost a piece of themselves to Infertility. ♥ I also will try to answer any questions, should anyone private message me, or pose a question about it on my wall or in comments to my posts.

**And I changed my timeline cover photo to this***

First day of NIAW:
It's National Infertility Awareness Week! Infertility (inability to conceive after a year of trying) is something one in eight couples struggle with. Chances are, I'm not your only facebook friend either currently dealing with it, or has dealt with it in the past and has come to a resolution. It's a fairly silent disease as many feel isolated or shameful of the diagnosis. For those who suffer silently, this week I will help be your voice. Infertility is not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of!
***And I changed my timeline cover photo to this***

And my Avatar pic to this:  

later that day:I believe that with dealing with infertility, that support is very important. I have support from my loving husband, friends and family. But also from many ladies just like me. To my COA ladies (woot woot!) I love you. But this special video girl-crush love letter goes out to the 3T Cool Kids. We all met back around 2011 - and they've made the past two years so much easier. ♥ Thanks ladies!  *link to this video is in the previous blog post or can be found Here*

Second day of NIAW:NIAW day 2: Only 15 states have laws requiring some insurance coverage for infertility treatments. Many of the states that require coverage have loopholes to allow employers to avoid providing coverage.

Illinois does require employers to provide coverage - but our "loophole" was that it was diagnosis only, which ended back in mid 2010. We've paid completely out of pocket for all of our treatments thus far. But I am excited to say my new insurance does have some coverage that started April 1st this year, making treatments about one-fourth the cost of what we've been paying!

With the amount we've spent since 2010, we could have....Bought a used 2004 Ford Mustang, OR redone our all inclusive resort Mexico honeymoon THREE times, OR bought all new furniture for our home in every.single.room. Literally.

Later that day:  With today's post about the cost of infertility wanted to share again the video I made last year for National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). You can help by writing your representatives and letting them know that infertility is a disease, and as other diseases - it should be partially covered by insurance. http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/  ***Linked my YouTube video on Cost of IF that can be found HERE

Later that day again:A friend of a friend mentioned something today about the NIAW posts on costs of infertility and said we were "pretty much whining that your fellow Americans should pay for your medical expenses?" Please don't misunderstand what we're saying! 

People pay partially for their insurance through their paycheck, their company pays another portion. It's not Medicaid, we're not asking you to foot the bill. We're asking that it be required to be partially coverage in all states. Not just 15.

And mainly, what I want is the ability to have the negotiated rates. My doctor hikes up prices, knowing from many he'll get the much lower negotiated rate. Instead I have to pay 4x more than a friend that has coverage even if she hasn't met her deductible and is still paying OOP? How is that fair? So before you think I'm asking for a hand out, really think about what we're hoping for. THIS is part of spreading awareness.

Third day of NIAW:National Infertility Awareness Day 3: A lot of people, when hearing of a couple's infertility, like to give the *advice* of "you can always adopt." 

Check out this spreadsheet to see what "just" adopting entails. These are rough estimates as a lot of the ladies I know from my support groups could attest, the costs can go much, much higher.

One last thing, while adopting is a beautiful thing, it is not a cure for infertility. Not every person going through infertility will feel led to adopt, not to mention that adopting is not only for infertiles. To tell someone to "just" adopt not only makes adoption seem like an easy thing to do, but it makes it seem like a second rate option, NEITHER OF WHICH IT IS.

National Infertility Awareness Week Day 4: Impatience is not a fertility problem. Relaxation is not a fertility treatment. Looking for the right thing to say to someone who's dealing with infertility? "I'm sorry", "I'm here if you want to talk", "I'll pray for you", or sometimes just a hug is all that's needed. 

Do not tell someone to relax, take a vacation, or that it's "God's plan" because this sounds like God finds crack users or teenagers more ready for parenthood than those dealing with IF. And examples of a friend who either tried for 15 years and it magically happened or adopted and then got pregnant may seem like cute anecdotes to you, but for IF'ers it's just depressing.

Joking "maybe you're not doing it right" is condescending and mean. And "But trying is the fun part" isn't funny or true after the first year. Think before you speak.

***And changed my avatar again.  This time to this****

Day 5 National Infertility Awareness Week: Myth Bustin! There are several myths or misconceptions about IF. 

Myth #1: Infertility treatments always result in multiples.
Fact: The goal of infertility treatments is to have one baby. While ovarian stimulating hormones are often a part of treatments, cases such as Octomom and Kate Gosselin are results of medical irresponsibility and choosing to ignore doctor's orders. Pregnancies with multiples can be very dangerous for both mom and babies, all risk factors are considered during treatments. Of my #75strong I made the video for, you can see there are 8 sets of twins, or about one third of our success stories.

Myth #2: If you previously got pregnant or had a child you will have no problem conceiving again.
Fact: Infertility can strike at any time. Secondary infertility, the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after successfully conceiving one or more children, is incredibly common. Those dealing with secondary IF often don't seek treatment, being told they have nothing to worry about and to just relax and keep trying. Testing standards (after one year of actively trying, 6 months if the woman is 35 or older) apply to all couples, no matter how many children they have.

Myth #3: It's the woman's fault
Fact: Not so much. About 35% of infertility cases are shown to the woman's problem, another 35% are shown to be the man's problem, 20% are a combined problem, and 10% are unexplained.

NIAW Day 6: For those of you who have been trying for over a year (or 6 month if you are over 35yo) and wonder what your next steps should be...Testing to diagnose the cause of infertility involves – at the very least – blood work at two different and specific parts of the female partner’s cycle and an ultrasound of your ovaries and uterus, a sonogram of the fallopian tubes, and a sperm analysis for the male partner. The testing can be ordered by an OB/gyn, but the proper specialist to interpret the results, form the plan of action, and treat infertility (including proper monitoring of prescriptions) is a reproductive endocrinologist. Often in cases where male factor infertility is a concern, a urologist will also be consulted. Consult with your OB/gyn or insurance company for providers in your area.

Today is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week. And I want you to know there is no “One size fits all” answer for everyone and no one is every truly “cured”. Be it infertility treatments, adoption, fostering or choosing to live child free after your journey – while these are all resolutions, they all come with their own unique struggles. And the aftermath is not without an IF taint.
An IF’er even once pregnant fears something will go wrong after years of nothing but things going wrong. An adoptive mother feels sorrow that she missed out on giving birth. A foster parent knows the chance of having to say goodbye to someone they’ve cared for. And someone having made the choice to live childfree still has to live with people constantly asking, “Do you have children?”
To all those that are currently in or have come out the other the other side of IF… we are forever linked. For only those that have been there, understand. And for those of you fortunate enough to not understand, I hope this week has given you a glimpse into our world. And I hope you move forward with a little more knowledge and compassion for those who have lived it.
I wanted to end with this video, which I have shared every year since coming out of the IF closet...because it is what made me want to be a voice for infertility and touches on so much.

****With a Link to Keiko Zoll's "What IF" video**** Found here

This year's NIAW video....2013

I'm usually not a very emotional.  But this year when I sat down to think about what I wanted to make for this year's video for NIAW I suddenly became a puddle of mush when the idea came to me - I wanted to honor my support group.
Now, admittedly I am part of several.  There is a group of women that all met on The bump when I first started TTC - many of whom ended up having trouble TTC and went through infertility treatments.  But a few who didn't.  They are the Coalition of Awesome.  Many of them taught me what I know today about IF.  Many of them don't know that the wisdom I pass on is from them.  I lost touch with some of them for a while but in the past year and a half got into a forum to get to catch up again.  And it's great!  It's like hanging with your old college buddies.
And I'm still on the Bump's 3T page, and there is a recent group of regs who I'm starting to feel connected to; Cara, Naria, Wolfette, IntuitiveBlue, Curlylocks, Twinkie and more - but many are in their first year of treatment and so I feel more like a someone who was held back in school two years.  But they are a source of comfort and I do feel like I can be an educational resource for them having been on the board for three years now (three???).
But then there is there's my 75 ladies.  The one's I met not when I first started trying, not the ones that I've met recently.  But those that were all in the trenches with me for all of the past two years.  The time since I didn't have the naive thoughts of "This will happen quick."  The ones who have been there for the most severe ups and downs of our journey -and I with theirs'.  The girls I've hardly gone a day without checking in on.
And so I went about thinking, how can I honor them and educate the public on IF at the same time?  I spent hours making a spreadsheet, seeing where everyone was in their journey, compiling pictures, finding a song that fit our journey, and getting the wording right - but I think I finally got it.  Yesterday I posted it on my wall, and several have shared or are planning to share it.  I hope those close to me that hear me talk about "My girls", my husband, friends and parents included - finally see a bit more of just how much they mean to me when I talk about them.  That while I've only met a few of them IRL they really are now some of my closest friends.

Feeling so much better about finances

OK, so dreams of owning a home this year were put on hold when we learned our credit score was just a little below what it needs to be to get a home loan now a days.  My biggest fear was telling my parents because they'd be disappointed in me that we got in such a place but the conversation went well.  ((Yes, I'm 35 years old and still worry about disappointing my parents.  I don't think that will ever go away.))

We were given advice on what we need to do to raise up our numbers and surprisingly one of them was Jeff needs more credit cards because he only has one.  LOL, I had the problem in my 20's of having too many!  I worked long and hard and got 20K in credit card debt paid off over the last six years but didn't know that closing them once they were paid off also looks bad.  I should have kept some of them open apparently.  I still have four cards, but of those two have been closed because of reaching their limits back when I was making good money, coupled with late payments when I lost my career job (and lost TONS of my income) as we adjusted to life with my *much* smaller income.

I will say, since that time five years ago we have been living virtually credit card free and just paying those down all this time but with very high interest rates and them being at their limit it's taking a long time.  But just knowing I paid off 20K and only have 3K left is such a great feeling.

To get our credit score up, we used what would have been our down payment and paid almost $5k worth of bills.  OMG what a great feeling.  And we have a plan in place to pay off three of my four cards in the next ten months and cut the last remaining card's balance in half.    I checked that plan with our monthly budget....ok let's be honest I had not really made a budget before just winged it and it worked OK but obviously not well enough.  But the plan is in place NOW.  And that is another good feeling.

And we still have enough left over from the bonus for our vacation in May to not fall off the plan.  IDK, to me this is like telling someone about trying to lose weight.  If it's known, you're more accountable.   So here it is people, I'm announcing instead of losing a certain amount of weight - I'm saying I will lose three of my four credit card balances and cut the fourth in half.

If only timing would work out...

Don't you hate when you spend time looking and counting on the calendar?  Darn cycles.

We have three factors at play for the next time we can cycle.
1.  One is that I will be getting a *small* amount of IF coverage from Tar.get starting on April 1st.  ((But I don't yet know if there is a deductible to get out of the way first for it)).
2.  Is our vacation in early May and
3.  Is Jeff being off his vitamins a three week period in February.

We can't cycle next cd1 because it will start before April 1st.   We can't wait for the next cycle because that would put IUI right around when we leave for vacation.  And we have to wait until the entire month of May is finished since 90 days prior is when Jeff was out of his vitamins and we know that's when he has his lowest samples.

I really wish I knew more on the coverage we will be getting because then if we need to get a deductible out of the way we could still cycle in late March/early April because that would cover most of a deductible (if the deductible was $1,000 or so).  But the whole point is using it to pay for it.  IDK.   I hate insurance.

But I am excited that no matter what Mid March is finally here!  Six weeks until our vacation!!  And although  snow is on the ground, spring should be right around the corner.  And we should know in the next few weeks if we'll be house hunting or not.  Lots to look forward too.  Now if only I can get over this horrendous cold.  I thought it was the flu but now I'm thinking it's turning into a sinus infection. Yuck!  And just when we have a busy and fun filled weekend planed.

Friday we are going to a Trivia Contest charity event to benefit the special Olympics.  And Saturday we're supposed to go on a local pub crawl for St. Patricks day.  And Sunday SIL is making corned beef and cabbage and having people over for drinks and hot tub time.  All sounds like fun, if I'm not feeling miserable! 

Wound - meet lemon juice and salt

Thank you 3T's wolfette for giving this post a title.  Today was like the perfect storm for my emotions.  It's been 17 days since I stopped bleeding from the m/c  (23 days since the start of miscarriage).  And what should happen?  I awake at 2 in the morning with the worst cramps of my life!  I spend two hours awake in the middle of the night worried if this was normal and trying to get comfortable enough to sleep again.  Yes, as if my leutal phase defect wasn't crappy enough, this time I only had 11 days LP and a 23 day cycle.  But it's the first period after, so OK it's wonky.  So I'm in pain all day, so crampy, so tired, etc.

But that wound isn't enough.  Noooooo.

The day I found out it was over, I had a baby shower invite sitting next to me.  I had planned on asking MIL if she'd like to go in on a gift with me and go together to the shower.  But when crying my heart out, I see that invite sitting next to me.  I fling it at my husband and scream out "Can you throw that away?"  Thinking, I can have my MIL RSVP no for me.  Yet because it becomes out of sight out of mind...I forgot to even ask her.  And then she goes on a three week vacation and forgets to RSVP herself.  So I get a phone message from mom of the mother-to-be asking if we're attending.  It's a hard day emotionally.

Thanks for pouring lemon juice in it.

I know I can't talk to this stranger.  So what do I decide to do?  Facebook message the mother-to-be on facebook.  She had a miscarriage and three rounds of clomid and one IUI to have this little bundle.  She's understand (I hope).  So I tell Jeff what I've done.

Pour some salt on that wound soaked in lemon juice.

Jeff says "what if she didn't know about the shower?"  Que worrying about something that is now out of my control.  And just because we know of one person in the whole darn world that had a surprise shower, what are the chances that she doesn't know?  You're pregnant with your first.  You're in the third trimester.  Your mother in law has mentioned on a facebook post of her's that she'll have to put up with her this weekend while she's in town (She lives in GA, we live in IL...it's not a random trip!).  Whatever.  Made me feel even worse.

And then throw in regular PMS.  Yes, it's the perfect storm for a day in sweat pants and glasses instead of contacts.  It's a day for tears, and grilled cheese sandwiches.  For feeling sorry for myself, yet still able to wish this friend an enjoyable shower.  But then feeling bad for possibly ruining it.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Feel bad, feel better, feel worse.

Hoping beyond hope tomorrow is a fairly uneventful day where the only reminder of my loss is my bathroom visits.     Let the physical pain abate.  Let the emotional pain fade to the back of the mind where it was last week.  Let my husband try to make me laugh by pulling out his junk just to have me laugh...not to try and stop the tears.  (Yes, he's one of those husbands.  C'mon ladies...I know there's GOT to be more of them out there.  Why do men think that's so funny?  Well...because most of the time we laugh.  We humans are simple creatures.)  Let me have a simple day.  Please?

From excitement to sorrow - Miscarrying

I have a few places on the interwebz that I keep up with my IF world...and I know 99.5% of my readers are from there.  So to you guys this is all just a little more detail on old news.  For me, it's writing it out because it's cathartic and I want it written down. (Note Half of this was written on Wednesday, the rest was written on Friday).

On Sunday, I was 11dpIUI.  It was Superbowl Sunday.  I was not planning on drinking so I was not testing to see if I could drink...I was testing because it was the only day Jeff and I both had off together so I thought it would be nice to have the OMG I'm pregnant! Kind of moment together if it worked.  But instead I took the test, waited the three minutes and stared...

Wait, is that? Naw that's not really there.

:::walks a way to make bed, comes back::::...eh, maybe I'm not imagining....

::::taps Jeff on shoulder::::: "Can you come look at something for me?  Do you see a second line?"  As he starts to twist it back and forth in the light he said "Sometimes."  ((Not a definitive answer right?))  It was such a hint of a line it's hard to believe it could possibly be real.  And well, I have heard of gals having a trigger in their system that long.  So three hours later I decide, I'll go buy a digital.  No lines to interpret!  Well I don't know if it was because I only held my pee an hour (I've told you people I'm diabetic and cannot for the life of me go an hour awake without peeing!!) or it was diluted, or what but the digi was negative.  So Jeff said maybe it was an "Quality Control Issue" at the pee stick factory.  ((In other words he thought I was negative, that the hint of a line was wrong.))  And I could not explain my thinking to him, the whole "a line is a line" theory to him so we went on the rest of our day as if nothing *really* happened.  Went to his parents for the Superbowl Sunday afternoon and evening and went off to sleep.  But in my head though, I was like "A line is a line.  And it was there.  And I *think* the digi is less sensitive.  I bet it's positive!  I bet after 51 cycles, after three years and seven months, after four IUIs - it actually worked!!"

So I woke up Monday morning - -my alarm went off at 6am and can you believe instead of hitting snooze of jumping out to take a test that I accidentally hit off?? And I didn't wake up until 6:30??  Went to take the test and Ta-dah!  It was a little darker!  Still rather faint (see below top pic is from Sunday and half the people that have see it say they don't see the hint of the line...but all agree the one below from Monday has a line).  I text Jeff to let him know.   Romantic right? A text.  Well he told me to text since he would either still be on the train or walking from train to work and would not hear the phone ring.  He called me a little later to congratulate me/us.  But I did have a little tiny bit of brown spotting.   So I was worried a little bit but knew that it was normal and brown was good...red was bad.

So light!!! Can you even see them???

We decided we would hold off until beta to tell our parents, but then I got the beta moved up to Tuesday...and I had to work Tuesday night so Monday night at 6:45 we agreed to go tell family.  We drove to his parents, then his sister, then called my parents, and my brother and told them all the news.  All but my brother knew we were at the tail end of a treatment cycle.  All were very excited.  Both grandpa's to be mentioned having a girl since I have five nephews.  It only took us an hour and fifteen minutes to visit and/or call everyone.

Welcome to Turmoil Tuesday!  I wake up ready to have an even darker HPT.  Nope, it's about the same and this morning I have a panty liner about 1/4th full of red blood and red blood when I wipe.

::::Que FREAK OUT:::::               oh, and que crying like crazy while you're at it.

I'm losing it, I have to be losing it.  Right?  Red blood is bad right?  I call off from work (thank god the one person who happens to answer the phone that day is the one woman in the building who did IVF to have her child and understands IF).  I call and tell Jeff "We should not have told our parents."  He hears the tears in my voice and understands what I'm saying.  I tell him I'll know more after the beta.  He calls me at 10:15 right after they draw the blood...I explain no, they have to send it off to a lab I won't know until 2:30.  But they said if it's 10 or below they will just assume it's a chemical pregnancy.  If it's higher we'll just have to retest on Thursday to see if it doubles.  So I've been googling and laying around worrying all day.

Well I got the call.  My beta is 44  :::::throws arms up in the air::::::: Woohoo for no chemical pregnancy!!! And my p4 is now up to 15.  So now we have to wait until Thursday to see what it does.  :::::::Taps foot:::::::

But today I am pregnant.  And today I love my baby.  And I will rest trying to do everything I can to make sure this baby stays put.

Wednesday - I spend the entire day laying on the couch resting.  Jeff takes the day off to take care of me.  The only time I cry is the morning seeing even more red blood...I convince myself it's because I've been lying down for eight hours and it collects (instead of wiping every hour in the bathroom).

From reading websites I convince myself that it's a subchorionic hematoma which is fairly common with people who bleed and go on to healthy pregnancies.  I convince myself that because there is no cramping or pain I can not possibly be miscarrying.  I convince myself that people always say "I just thought I had a light period but it turns out I was pregnant."  and that's what this was.  I convince myself of all these things.

And then Thursday comes.  I've become so confident that I almost believe I have mothers intuition.  That I'd *know* if it was done.  I'm so stupid to believe any of this.

Again I spend the entire day on the couch (except 9:45 for the second beta blood draw) and again Jeff stays home with me.  They say the call will come between 2 and 2:30 so by three o'clock and no call I'm starting to get really crazy.  They finally call at 3:15 to say it's over.  The beta went down from 44 to 23.  Nurse Cindy tells me if it was going to happen at least it seems to be happening quick with the fast drop in beta and already having the blood.  I had called off work again for that night for just such a call because I was able to keep it together enough to have the two minute conversation.  Then....

I've never wailed that hard in my life.  And that's the best word to describe it.  Wail - not cry, because stars formed in front of my closed eyes and I felt I might pass out from the sheer pain of my screaming.  Jeff held me while I cried for I don't know...a good hour?  At some point soon after I peeled myself away to quickly text my 3T support group on facebook because I knew they were all waiting to hear.

Now the fear is creeping in.  Will the cramping and pain come?  Or will I mercifully not feel it?  How long will I bleed that I have to look at the hourly reminder every time I have to go to the bathroom?  How will I handle going back to work on Satuday with all those babies and pregnant women shopping at Target?  Why did it have to snow 5 inches so that the world looks so pretty when I feel so horribly?  Can we afford any more treatment?  How long do we have to wait before trying?  How will I react anytime I need to talk about it?  When I see my family next weekend?  Etc. Etc. Etc.

But mainly I'm worried about the pain.  Everything I read online women described a pain like their guts were being ripped out.  I have a high tolerance for pain, but not the emotional pain that will go with it.  I'm supposed to call the office today (the administration were gone by the time she called to tell me my beta so I have to fucking call them myself?) to set up yet another beta to make sure it's going down like it's supposed to and my "What the fuck" appointment with my RE for early next week.

I hate this.  I hate how numb I feel to everything else in the world.  I hate how I can't stop thinking about almost anything else.  I love my husband.  I love how sweet he' been...and that even a few hours after the news he was able to make me laugh.  I love how every time he's seen tears on my face he's come and held me.  I love him.  I hate this for both of us.

Stupid hormones making me cry over stupid things for no reason.
That is all.