What's going on with my mom

So I had not shared with you guys what has been going on with my mom. A ?month? ago she went to the ER with chest pains and inability to swallow well. It was discovered after hours of tests that her stomach has gone partially above her diaphragm and was laying along her esophagus. This is what's known as an Esophageal Hiatal Hernia. 

Later it was discovered it was very severe as 80% of her stomach is above the diaphragm in her upper chest cavity. After several tests (EGD, MRI etc) that she's had over this time they've finally set the surgery for July 31st. 

It is considered a massive surgery requiring two surgeons and best case scenario it takes four hours and can be done laparoscopically. She'd be in the hospital for five days and on a special diet for three months, with the first week being all liquid and gradually working up from there but no red meat for all three months. 

Worst case, they have to open her chest cavity up because they can't get it all done laparoscopically, and she has to have a feeding tube installed and stay in the hospital for a full month. She was told part of her sack that holds the stomach is now attaching to the sack that holds her heart. This is what freaked me out. The idea that they need to cut at anything around her heart.

My mom is 64 and a hospice nurse. She can't return to work until mid Sept and is worried about how to perform her job with how she'll have to be eating every three hours and special meals. It was just so freaking hard to hear my mom crying on the phone today saying "I don't feel like an old lady. I'm not ready to be an old lady." 

Those that know me personally - know I talk to my parents four times a week minimum.  I can't imagine anything happening to her yet.  She's too young, it's too early, she's always been the healthy one of my parents.  Anyway - I've been crying a bit since talking to her because I can hear how scared she is.  She says nurses make horrible patients because they have to give up control, and I can hear just how much she feels she's having to give over.  My poor mommy. :(  But she was happy I was still able to get her to laugh today.  AND she loved hearing about my saline sonogram adventure yesterday.  So at least I could bring a little sunshine to her cloudy day.  

Anyway - Any thoughts you can send are greatly appreciated. Jeff keeps talking of seeing if I can take some time off work to go down and visit since we live in Chicago and my parents live in Oklahoma. It will be hard financially but I'm thinking I'm going to try to make it work in Mid August for three or four days. Which if she's in the hospital for 5 days, she'll have been home for several days. Also - if you have any great smoothie recipes I've told my dad I've started pinning them for when she's home, I'd appreciate it.

My Mom and Me at my wedding June 2009

Check another thing off the list!

So had my saline sono/mock transfer today.  I had watched a YouTube video here that let me know what to expect and it was exactly like that.  Well, exactly except that he said "this won't hurt a bit" then I explained I've been told by his nurses that I have a stubborn cervix.  After trying once he said "They're right.  This may hurt a bit now since I have to slightly dilate your cervix."  It took that, and three different catheters before success.  But good news - no polyps or fibroids.  A "Great looking uterus".  Thanks Doc.

Is it odd that I've been seeing this man for three years and this is the first time I've seen him where I'm not fully clothed and in his office?  My RE always does the plan and looks at info but the actual U/S and IUIs have all been done by nurses and ultrasound techs.  I almost laughed out loud when a thought went through my head "Usually when I have a man's head between my thighs, I'm enjoying it a lot more than this."  I'm crude, I know.  But seriously, I had to stifle a giggle.

The irony of the day came when I was in the waiting room before hand.  They had the Price is Right on.  And it was "expecting mothers" episode.  Ugh.  Then in the five minutes I was watching, the winner up on stage with her beautiful six month baby bump was asked her due date.  Oct. 16th.  My EDD for our miscarriage chemical pregnancy.  Just twist that knife a little more, thankyouverymuch!  So now I have Alanis Morissette in my head singing "Isn't it Ironic?  Dontcha think."  Yes, Alanis - this is my 2000 spoons when all I need is a knife.  But at least with the man of my dreams, I *AM* is beautiful wife.

So 13 days until our consult.  It's coming up faster than I thought it would.  And of course, while they were there, they took a peak.  16mm follie on the right - not that it means anything with our MFI and LPD.  But I've never known how well things are going on a natural cycle so it was like "OK, kind of how I'd expect for cd10 for me."

The Official Photo and IVF thoughts...

So around our one year anniversary I think is about the time pinterest came around but that doesn't seem right - I think it's only been around for about two years?  Maybe I'd heard the idea elsewhere.  Taking a picture every year on our anniversary.  Well that first year I took a selfie of us.  And the next year the day of completely forgot!  But two days later we were at a wedding and a friend took a picture of us.  I decided to call that our "anniversary" picture for that year.  Que 3rd anniversary - another selfie.  And our fourth? Yep, forgot again.  What is it with even years that I can't remember to do it?  Well four days later on Father's Day I asked my SIL to take the "official" 4th year photo.  I don't know what exactly I plan to do with these but for some reason feel compelled to have them. So here they are in order...

Year One - This is in our kitchen right before we ate the piece of cake from the top.

And yes, I'm aware I'm wearing the same bolero sweater in each.  Oops!  What I find funny is that Jeff is wearing a different outfit but his tie is so similar to that shirt LOL.

Year 3 - out at Lake Geneva.    I don't really care for the pic but getting Jeff to take multiple photos is like seriously impossible so it will have to do.

Year 4 - Fathers Day at Arlington Race Track.  Considering I'd just taken my hair out of a pony tail and Jeff was sweating from the heat it's a darn cute pic of us.

So finally made the calls and got a hold of people at RE's office last week about moving on to IVF.  I need a saline sono which will probably happen late next week or early the next week.  And I need my AMH hormone tested since it's been three years since I had that drawn. AND talked with the financial lady.  She says she can't give us a exact amount until our appointment with RE on July 29th because it depends on protocol etc.  But should be around $6,000-$7,000 (not including meds but I have enough Follistim from eFriend Bethany to cover that need and $3,500 in med coverage from new IF insurance to cover the rest), insurance will pay about $3,000 of that.  So $3,000 to $4,000 OOP still (I thought it'd be cheaper!) our HSA will cover about $1,500.  So now it's $1,500-$2,500 OOP.  To have this money we will just take a small 401K loan because while we have about $400 a month in our monthly budget for incidentals lately they've paid for our vacation in May, Birthdays and Anniversaries, paying down debt to buy a house and life so we've not been saving it.  ((Again because I'd thought IVF was about $4-5,000 with insurance and thought we'd only be OOP for maybe $500-$1,000)).  To take this loan out, we have to wait until October when another 401K loan we took out to pay for our wedding is paid off.  Yes, it took us four years and four months to pay back our wedding.  We had one HELL of a wedding people!  But if we only take out $2,000 it will take a year to pay it back so totally worth it in our minds.  **BUT** this will set our IVF into late Oct or November unless the cost is lower than she guesstimated.  I really am hoping she was wrong, that they won't feel we need ICSI since he has good morph, and since I ovulate on my own that I'll need less monitoring etc. then she was thinking (we didn't even talk about my Dx or Jeff's morph so I am basically hoping that she was going off worst case people).  Then we can still plan for late Sept. early Oct.

But for now - - - it's July and that means almost everything for the next month will be about Founder's Days (see previous summer's posts on this town fest if you really want to know what the hell I'm talking about).  But I did finally say out loud to the board that I will be stepping down from being in charge of the 5 & 10K run.  I think they think I'm just saying that because it's almost here.  But I'm fully serious.  I have not done well with it this year because when I should have started doing things for it was when I was busy having a miscarriage.  I've lost most of my will to do it.  And sadly, now because I slacked I feel behind and don't want to do much because it reminds me of why I'm behind - and then I think of my angel baby.  Makes me want to avoid it.  But I can't.  Maybe a stupid association but I can't help it.

PLUS (But somewhat unrelated) my cousin's girlfriend is PG, and due ten days after I should have been.  And they just found out it's a boy.  And have u/s pics up.  And all I can think of is "That's the size my baby would be", "I'd be able to find out gender already if my baby was still alive."  It's making right now a little tougher.  I know you guys are thinking "Hide him on FB" but then I'd also have to hide a few relatives that comment on it, so it still shows up in my feed.  AND call me masochistic but it's like a car accident.  I can't help but look.  Ugh.

Anyway, I don't want to be in charge next year because what if this IVF works?  I'd be giving birth a month before the race!  And. And. And.  So I just can't.  Seriously.  I can't.  I'll explain it to them later, like in a more casual setting, instead of at a board meeting.  Because, really.  Who wants to talk about miscarriage and IVF in a board meeting?  Well, that's enough ramblings for now.  I really need to fold laundry and get ready for work.

Feeling the love!

Thank you to everyone the last few days that reached out with your sympathy over the latest failed cycle.  It's nice to think I have so many people that have my back in the IF journey.  Jeff and I had a talk that night once I got home for work and it looks like we're hopping on the IVF train.  Have not made any calls yet - I'm holding off until next week since it's something we won't be doing until at least fall (more on that later).  For now, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the idea and get used to the thought.  Next step is finding out costs with our new insurance and see if we can swing it before next March.  We're shooting for September or October.

BUT for today, we are celebrating our fourth anniversary.  Four years ago today I was walking down the aisle crying my eyes out from the overwhelming feeling of love I had for the man I am now married to.  If I had any idea then, just how much that love could grow from our journey these last four years my heart might have just exploded.  I've spent the last hour going through a bunch of our photographers photos (family friend).  I have several saved to my computer but only a very small fraction of the over 800 she took.  Each year here I've posted some of those classics.  Today I want to remember the funny moments.  The little oddities that made that day specifically ours.  

This was us trying to figure out how to get my into my dress without ruining my hair or makeup.  My bridesmaids and I were swimmers together so we talked about them holding open the hole and my "stream lining through" and this is me saying something like "And like whoosh I come out the top!"  (And yes, that's me in my under garments).

One of my favorites of Jeff before the wedding at his parents house.  He hates, HATES getting his picture taken so it's amazing she was able to get him to pose for so many pictures.  There are outtake photos where you can see him getting frustrated but so proud of him for "sucking it up Sally" for me.

Getting photobombed by my maid of honor Barb.  Can't tell you over the last 22 years how many photos I have of her doing jazz hands with her tongue out.  It's so classic Babs.

After several pretty pics on the bridge over the creek that leads to the river in our town we were told to be silly.  This is the result.  Notice best man Ken over to the far left...he had a *massive* hangover from pre partying the night before.  The only one really not into it.  Ha.  Poor guy puked earlier that morning.  He took off his tux to do it because he didn't want to make it smelly.  Yet notice, most of us with a beer in our hands?  Including Ken?  Yeah, that's how we roll.  I had to sober up a bit from the photoshoot to when we got to the reception!  

Jeff playing in the park with our nephew Andrew aka the ring bearer.  I think they are on a dino?  But I love Andrews face in this.   A little bit of fun for a poor five year old that had been forced to stand still for so long.

My brother (5'8...160ish?) for some reason bet that he could carry Jeff on his shoulders.  The groomsmen wanted him to prove it.  Now Jeff is two inches taller and weighs at least 50lbs more than him... Let's just say he did it...but his back hurt afterward.  Silly boys and their bets.

After the pictures, we went to a nearby bar for drinks and pizza waiting for the reception time.  Spent maybe 45 minutes there?  Here I am with groomsman Skippy who is tight with the owner who bought everything for us - including insisting I do a shot of patron with him.  Jeff, Skippy and I are all from the east side of our town that is split in half by a river so this is me and Skippy throwing up gang signs for east siders!  What. What!  

And finally - like many brides, I looked forward to watching several programs like Bridezilla.  The only thing Jeff saw on any of those shows that he said he'd like at our wedding was an ice luge for vodka.  Skippy came through with a carved "K" (for our last name).  So many people still talk about that.  Here is us next to it.  They poured vodka in the top left of the K and it came out the bottom right very chilled.  

Now, from all of this you guys think we're serious boozers.  But I'll tell ya, not often - but when it comes to a party.  Damn!  We know getting married is the time to really live it up.

I still have friends and relatives that all say that was the most fun they'd had at a wedding ever.  And just to see the craziness on the dance floor?  This is my father in law and sister in law getting down to Clarence Carter's "Strokin!"

OK, OK - *one* serious picture so you can see how cute we are/were...

Well, that hope was short lived.

BFN this morning.  Fully expect negative beta news this afternoon.  I had really only been hopeful and having bad phantom symptoms for the last three days or so.  But of course they helped me think it might have worked.  Right now I'm numb.  Like "really?  This is all my life has become."  Do these little medical cycles and fail.  It's getting harder to imagine a different outcome after so long, but I still daydream about it.   I spent yesterday on "positive thinking" trying to come up with visions in my head of later this year like "I'll be seven months pregnant at Christmas" etc.

I'm numb.  Just numb.  No tears yet, just tired.  Exhausted really.  So fucking exhausted.

The promise

So, I don't normally ask Jeff's opinion on when I should POAS.  I would do it whenever I wanted.  But this cycle he said he liked being "more involved", what with his homework assignment etc. so I decided I'd ask.  Because I had thought "maybe I'll test on Sunday" since we would both be home together.  He responds?  "NO! Wait until 12dpIUI like the doctor said."  Huh?  He paid attention to that? D'Oh!  He said he didn't want me to get a negative and be all upset if it was just too early to test anyway.  OK, baby.  That's sweet.  So I promised not to test.

Well, let me tell you - this morning not POAS was really really hard.  Because yes I've been having all the lovely symptoms progesterone give:  sore boobs, tired, burping etc.  And I had two symptoms I almost never have; heightened sense of smell on Thursday and yesterday I was nauseated.

Now, these are not the symptoms I had back in early February when I had my chemical pregnancy.  Then the main thing was I could not get full.  Like, I was hungry the instant I finished eating.  But from what I've heard each pregnancy is different so my mind was all hopeful.

But I was a good girl and didn't test.  And now this afternoon I started spotting.  Granted, it's really, really, really light.  And it's pink.  But I remember this.  All this does is remind me of the start of my chemical pregnancy.  I can't take that.  Seriously.  Not again.  But I know, it will be whatever it will be.  I can't stop destiny.  Either this is it or it's not my time.  And sadly, only time will tell.

MFI experiment...inconclusive so far

For those of you that remember, we were doing a MFI experiment for IUI #5.  Jeff was instructed to expell either from masterbation or sex every.single.day. from cd4 until trigger, then take a night off and then have IUI.  There was an Australian study, and a few minor follow ups that say this makes the sample from MFI'ers have the best chance of pregnancy rates, mainly from motility and morph.  I was very fearful of doing this because what if it hurt instead of helped?  

Well, the good news is it didn't hurt, (but I'm not sure it helped either).  His post wash was almost identical to his sample in January when we got PG and m/c (which was his best sample to date) - post wash over just over 10mil/ml with 88% motility.  HOWEVER his initial numbers were lower (18mil/ml vs 36mil/ml).  So, that means that many more made it to post wash.  In January, less than third survived to post wash whereas this time over 50% made it.  IDK.  As my mother would say, six of one half a dozen of the other when they both ended with about the same amount.  Since the final number was the same and the post wash motility was the same I don't know if his initial count was hurt because of the experiment or if it's just a basic fluke lower sample (how MFI can be).   And the higher motility and survival rate to post wash...was that because of this? IDK.  

What I can say, is that it wore my poor 41 year old husband out!  We had sex the night of trigger, but it took some effort on our parts to get it done if ya know what I mean...because of eight straight days.  But the job got done.  Was fairly unromantic though from the effort that had to be made.  Then last night after having given his sample in the morning and to have to have sex that night?  Ugh, we tried.  For like, an hour.  But eventually just gave up, and then he felt bad and said it was - "just too much"  and  "forced".  

Now, we've had timed sex for over three years.  And this is our fifth IUI.  This ain't our first time to this rodeo.  It's never felt forced.  It's never been so difficult.  It's never been so unromantic.  I've always felt blessed that as an MFI couple, we've never had these issues.  Last night just sucked.  A Lot.  So, if this cycle doesn't work I don't know that we'll be willing to try that again.  I hated seeing DH so disappointed in himself.   I hated that I couldn't help but have a few tears stream down my face.  And that I couldn't find the words to explain to Jeff that the tears were not because it didn't happen, but because of seeing his face.  I don't want him to feel bad.  THAT is what was making me sad.  I hate IF.  I really, really do.