A Little "Catch Up" on March

So a week ago I had five vials of blood drawn.  I went in thinking I was just getting the Natural Killer Cells test done but it turns out they said I needed my prolactin, thyroid, syphilis and a few others done - so OK, at least it was just one blood draw instead of having to come back for more...but five vials? Well, at least I didn't need to fast I guess.  I have to say, I'm happy I give good blood.  I hear of people being nightmare sticks - and I can say I'm 99% of the time and easy gal to get blood from and really don't mind it.

That said, I got the call on Wednesday that everything came back fine except I'm a "little on the low end" for vitamin D.  Umm HELLO - we've had the worst winter of my entire life.  I have hardly seen the sun in five months, I'm not surprised!  Mine came back at 29.  Normal range for average human is 20-50, but for IVF they like it above 30.  Yep, I'm off by one stinking point.  So OK, I'll pop another pill if that's what's needed.  For anyone keeping track, that makes nine pills a day BEFORE I evens start prepping/stimming for IVF#2.  My medicine cabinet is starting to really look like I should be an 80 year old named Merle.

My nurse also said that my RE is on vacation (dude, you just had a month off for shoulder surgery...now you take a week off??)  But anyway, she said the on-call doc for my office looked at my NK cells test and it was "Around normal" but she'd prefer Dr. Jacobs to look at it before giving me the all clear.  "Around" normal sounds damn similar to being 29 instead of 30 on vitamin D so I guess we'll see what J thinks.  Personally I'm in the "It can't hurt" camp for getting the infusion IV of intralipids, but it would of course like everything else mean more $$$$.  But if it keeps me from miscarrying if I get PG again, obviously Bring it on!  Merle likes her drugs.

So for now the plan is baseline and start BCP after next period - which should come in Mid April right after our Nashville trip.  I'll be on them a little longer than before since we need to time it out for stims to start the last week of May. It's coming up fast!  Be here before you know it.

As for Non TTC things.  St. Pat's Pub Crawl was a blast.  And this weekend I have a four day weekend for my self imposed Spring Break. Tonight is Girls Night.  Followed tomorrow by an overnight stay at Blue Chip Casino with the hubs.  As I mentioned in an earlier blog, with DH's annual bonus two weeks ago we paid off his car, all med bills, last of the credit cards etc. that we're now sitting pretty and next week I'll be making the call to see if we can qualify for house hunting or if we'll be signing a lease for our seventh year in our townhouse.  Has it really been that long?!?

Oh, and I started working on two video ideas for NIAW - one is a new version of my love letter to the 75 strong.  I decided to redo one instead of updating the old one as we're all in such different places now that we can't just fit into "Moms, Treatment, Other" categories - and I think I've come up with a really good story board for it, so I hope I can do my vision justice and show them my love (since I'm better at doing it this way than with words).  I'm also working on one that is "Our Journey".  I've always held off because I didn't want to make this until we were parents; but IDK I feel like this year it would be cathartic with the loss but I might change my mind and still hold off on it.  We'll see.

Totally Braggin'

So I don't just say this sort of thing to random stranger, but I want to say it!

We are credit card debt free!  For the first time since I was 20.  That's 16 years and over I don't want to admit how much money.  Last year we paid off three of my last four, and this week we paid off my last one (and the two smaller ones Jeff has had this past year to build up credit history).  AND we paid off his car (eight months early!).

Oh, and on the bragging front; Yesterday I did taxes (paid and filed), built a bookcase, dishes, laundry, got my nails done, grocery shopped, and made a delish new recipe for dinner.  I was on FIRE the past two days.

And now....I'm spent.  I had to work 8 hours today after two nights of bad sleep and two days of go, go, go!  So I'm exhausted.  But with a smile on my face.  Of all the "Year long goals" I set for us for 2014 in January we accomplished in just two months.  The last one of setting up an emergency fund is in the works.  Go us!

Why I feel justified to be an idiot

So the last six weeks or so, I've been an idiot with alcohol.  No, don't worry - I'm not being an alcoholic.  I'm only drinking one to two days a week.  And one of those nights a week is just two beers on Thursday nights after work at Jeff's bowling alley.

Why I *am* an idiot is why I'm doing it.  It's the loss.  I'll fully admit it.  I shouldn't be able to drink right now.  I should be a happy pregnant woman having not had a drink for five months now.  Instead I'm staring down starting IVF again in two months.  I should have a big old baby belly.  Instead I have those five lbs I keep gaining and losing every week - not able to motivate myself to make any really progress because I'm eating and drinking my feelings.

But let me just say - as the title of this blog entry says.  I feel justified.  It is probably one of the most common forms of coping in the loss world.  Is it smart? No.  Is it healthy? No.  Does it help?  I gotta say, on some level - hell yes.  I honestly think I have not been a mess these last two months because I have really been able to let loose, and just try and enjoy the moments.  Yes, I'm drinking to get to the point of giggling at mundane things.  But you know how therapeutic it is to simply forget for a while?  It's awesome.

So yes, I was an idiot yesterday and went on a six hour pub crawl when it was 40 degrees out *while* having a head cold.  A smart person would have said "I'm sick, I should stay home." But me?  I knew it was an experience to really let go.  And we had a blast.  I'm possibly sicker now because of it.  But oh well.  I feel totally justified.

Brooke's Walk of Hope & Arlene's passing

First off, I told a friend I would do this on Monday but it's been a hard week so first let me say I'm sorry it's taken me until today to do this.

My #75strong friend Brooke is the co-leader of this year's Walk of Hope put on by Resolve to help raise awareness for infertility and raise funds.  I know my blog following is small, but on the off chance anyone of you reading is near the AZ area here is information on this free event.  Learn more HERE!!  The walk is only a few weeks away on March 22nd.  I'm so proud of Brooke's involvement not only with this event, but her peer-lead resolve group meetings, going to DC for Advocacy Day, and so much more.



As for my hard week...
My friend Arlene passed away Sunday night/Monday morning after her four year battle with cancer.  We'd heard on Saturday that she wasn't expected to make it through the week, but it still hit like a ton of bricks.  Nothing can really prepare you for a beautiful 44 year old woman leaving this world too soon.

I met Arlene seven years ago as she was on Jeff's bowling team.  To someone meeting her for the first time she could be a bit intimidating (which is what some people say of me).  But this chick was a badass truck driver for goodness sake!  But without hesitation, she welcomed me into the group and confided in me that no one ever liked Jeff's previous long term relationship but they could tell almost instantly that I was truly his other half; the female version of Jeff.  I will be forever grateful that she made me her friend and not just "Jeff's girlfriend" from the start.  Because of this I got to know a wonderful, funny, strong, independent group of women that called themselves the Ya-Yas.  In their friendship I got an outside view of what the "blonde squad" (My group of close friends) must look like to others.  Sure they have their inside jokes and stories they love to retell - but more than anything you saw the love these friends had for each other.  And I was invited to go on their girls weekend fishing vacations (although could not afford it with our treatments).   Her smile was infectious.  Her jokes were hilarious.  Her love of the Cubs was...well something to be made fun of in only the way good friends that are cross town rivals can do.  I've gotten to know her kids, grandchild, and mother.  I don't know anyone else whom I'm not related to, that I can say I know four generations of their family.  And while I'm sad that we had not seen each other much the last two years since that bowling league disintegrated and as her battle with cancer got harder - I am thankful for ever laugh we shared together and that I got to know such an amazing person and call her my friend.  This past September, even frail as she was she insisted on having a backyard BBQ and everyone just sat around telling stories and laughing.  I can still see her there.  Sitting on a cooler, beer in her hand, Cubs shirt on, broad smile across her face.

Her wake is this afternoon and her funeral is tomorrow.  Her family has asked for the wake, that people wear their Cubs gear (formal attire for the funeral).  Jeff asked "What should we do?"  I laughed, because I know Arlene and her entire family will know and understand as Sox fans we do not own anything Cubs.  But to show our love, we have found shirts in true "Cubbie Blue" color.  While many tears will be shed, I know in true Arlene fashion - there will still be stories.  So many stories!  And laughs through the tears.

Me with a few of the Ya Yas.  (Me, Cher, Jackie, Dottie & Arlene)

I speak a forgien language

So often I just get comments from those who I know exactly who you are.  (And those of you, I love when you add your bump signin name if your blogger name appears different).  Well my last post I got a comment an hour ago from someone, I'm not sure who they are.  But that's OK.  If people find my blog organically through serching for IF information, all the better.  Helping a larger group of people.

That said, Char - I tried to de-code myself in a comment in my last blog post so I hope that helps explain myself.  And that was a wonderful reminder!  I used to try and spell things out and not use acronyms as much as possible so that it flowed but over the years it's just become so habit forming!  But more than just the answer I wanted to reach out that if you are not already a memeber of The Bump's Infertility Forum, as you look towards IVF I say "Please come join us!"  And so I'm not mysterious; here is a direct link!

http://forums.thebump.com/categories/trouble-ttc

If you (or others reading this now, or in the future) need a support group of people who "get it", want to read of others journeys, or are just a seriously creepy stalking LOL.  After you create an account, you can post.  But until then you can "lurk" (message board lingo for look around) this give you a chance to read questions from others, get a feel for the board, etc.

When there is a group doing IVF in a certain month - they come up with a name for their group and have bi weekly checkins to see how everyone is doing.  From about a month leading up to the IVF to a month after.  It's wonderful!  I was part of the "Precious Pumkins" for October's IVF and then the "Harvest Hopefuls" for Nov. FET.  And more than just check ins for IVF, there are questions about everything, "get to know you" GTKY posts, posts for those on a break (AKA sitting on the bench), and many other things!

And if you are someone who found me from searching for miscarraiges, same hold true only for the TTCAL board!  Wonderful groups of women.  I'd say about a third of my facebook friends are people I met on one of the four forums I've been a part of on the bump.  And I've now met, 20 people in real life that I first *met* on the bump.  (Don't be freaked out, you will never be forced to meet anyone in real life if you're not comfortable) but after *knowing* someone for a year or more on the boards, it's great when you live in the same area or - like my trip to Reno - if you are traveling and can have a wonderful lunch with one of your "girls".

Hell, this Friday I am going to dinner and karaoke with four of them that I met back in fricking 2011!  I can't wait to see Megan, Julie, Kate, and Casey again.

So yes - dear followers this is a PSA that started as a hand reached out to one person.  But with the hopes of maybe reaching others who don't comment.  You read silently because they are looking to find where they "fit".  I'd hate to think what it would have been like these years with out you.  <3 p="">

IVF # 2 planning stage

So those of you from TTCAL or IF will have seen most of this info but *deep breath* here is "the plan" new info for those of you who read this update on the boards is bolded.

I had my final WTF on IVF#1 post loss today & plan for moving on with #2.  Because there was nothing genetically wrong with my little boy, he agrees we do not need to do PGD or karyotype testing.  And my antibody test for the most common three all were negative so there was no obvious attack on the fetus.  As for any more RLP testing, the only one he feels is necessary moving forward is the NK cells test (which is about $500 opp), which if high means I'll need to be on intra-lipids before starting IVF#2.  From what I've been told from ladies, it's a single IV done prior to start that takes two hours and then another in first tri.  Correct me if I'm wrong on my understanding from what you've said.

Aside from that, he plans on same protocol for next IVF except to add human growth hormone (HGH) to the antagonist protocol I was on before of :  BCP to line up with batch cycle.  Then FSH drugs of follistim and menopur, start Ganirelix at stim day 5 this time to try and keep my progesterone lower so I can do a fresh transfer (instead of freeze all FET like last time).  And if we can keep my progesterone below 1 on day of ER, maybe look at day three transfer if needed since last time I only had one make it to full freezable blast.  And agrees he wants Jeff and I on 600mg of CoQ-10 Ubiquinol for a few months prior - so our transfer goal time of early May or June sounds good to him.  I'm very pleased with the meeting and looking ahead to moving forward.  Nurse will email me tomorrow on any other tests that need re-updating like infectious disease.  But next up is repeat Saline Sono on cd6-10 of my next cycle (to look for placenta polyps or whatever do to m/c).  His batch cycles for May is start stims April 26-28th in order to for ER and/or ET May 7th-16th.  His June cycle is starting stims 5/24 - 5/26 for ER and/or ET June 4th-12th.  

From what he was saying about HGH it's only come into vague the last few years and is mainly for us AMA ladies, so I know it's not going to be too common - but I didn't remember hearing about it from the boards - but it turns out when others mentioned HGH I didn't realize that's what they were talking about.  I just assumed it was a drug I didn't take or need...until now.  

We're excited for why he said he wanted the tests, and the HGH and gave me a research data article from their own study on HGH.  For women over 40, live birth rate with HGH IVF that had a previous failed cycle went from 12% TO 21%.  And technically, I didn't have a failed cycle, (just not a live birth with) a m/c after a cycle so it can only help matters.  He said it improves egg quality as well as embryo development (less fragmentation etc).  Eeek!  

Until then, just need to redo Saline Sono after next AF (so probably end of the month) and call to get on BCP after March AF in order to fit in with batch cycle (whichever one we choose).  

Decision Made...IVF#2 here we come

So if you look back at this months blogs you know we were wavering on living child free or doing IVF one more time.  And I thought we were going to hold off on that decision until Mid March when it's time for Jeff's bonus.  But Jeff surprised me last night.  Out of the blue after being home for a few hours he said, "So I looked at a 401K for doing it again."  Nonchalant.  I looked up at him in the loft.  "Oh?  IVF you mean?" And he said yeah.

He looked at doing a 401K loan that would be huge - big enough to pay for a full OOP IVF cycle *and* pay off the one we just got in Sept.  It would only increase our monthly budget cost by about $125 a paycheck which so happens to just a little bit less than his promotion/raise is per paycheck so it's as if we wouldn't even notice because we didn't have that money two months ago in the monthly budget.
This would also keep us at one 401K loan, so if we needed another for a decent home loan down payment if need be (still not sure if we even qualify - see last post re that if you're that interested).  AND then his bonus could go toward a vacation for our fifth anniversary.   - And let me just say if you're someone who's all "why would you think about taking a vacation with these financial burdens? Let me just say unless you've come through five years of infertility and two miscarriages as fairly unscathed as I feel I am in the psychological world, you have no business deciding what is and is not needed or what you'd financially do in order to remain a fairly mentally healthy individual.  Not to sound defensive, but I truly believe staying connected as a couple by having a life outside of IF truly is what has kept me/us this sane and as crazy in love as we are.  And since we came out of the last six years having had two 401K loans of similar size and paying them off - I can say those five years go by so much faster than you think.  (:::Jumps off soap box::::).

Anyway!!  I was so happy to hear this.  Deep down I had prepared myself for the idea of child free but really hoped he felt as I did.  That seeing the heartbeat flicker those two weeks and living those several weeks knowing I was pregnant, were so joyful.  I can't help but feel we felt as if we had seen a glimpse of the other side of IF and want to go back and make it all the way to the other side.  We just are not ready to give up on that dream....yet.  So one more try.

To prepare for this, Jeff will go back to taking CoQ10 and Fertility Blend for Men for a few months and we'll plan on doing it in May/June.  I have my final WTF meeting with RE about my miscarriage and tell him we're moving ahead on Feb 17th.  I'll see if there are any tests that need to be redone, get a fresh pap, etc. before my Tar.get insurance runs out April 1st (because while I have fully run though my IF coverage it still has some medical bennies for wellness visits and testing I can at least take advantage before it goes bye-bye).  And my girls have already started mentioning free drugs they have to possibly give me when I mentioned we'll be taking $15K est. for OOP full cycle.  ((FX it is only this much.  I need to look back at my spreadsheet of what all they charged upfront to my insurance company before it was negotiated down and partially covered. YIKES I just looked and it was $13K WITHOUT meds or the transfer or the cryo cost if we have frosties!  Well, we should have two thousand or so in the HSA by then too but Jesus!  Oh and my RE gives a 5% discount to oop patients.  That seems so small  a discount after seeing what insurance gets off!!))  But I'm rambling.

Needless to say I am a frickin bundle of nerves these last 20 hours.  Nervous, excited, worried, happy, anxious - I've said, and it's so true, that I don't know whether to cry tears of joy or vomit.  OK, I did shed a few happy tears when I hugged Jeff after our conversations and have felt nauseous ever since.  So yeah.  There it is.