The sit and wait game

So as I said in my last blog, I had to take two rounds of cytotec - one on Tuesday and another on Friday since my lining was still 10mm.  You know what it is now?  9.6.  Umm, yeah the second round produced almost nothing.  Like so little it's a joke.  The U/S tech and nurse both agreed that Dr. Jacobs doesn't put people on the drug a third time. (Thank goodness!)  And I was told my lining looked less "solid" on the ultrasound - whatever the heck that means.

HCG levels.  So the day we learned of the MMC (Dec. 27th, 11 days ago) my HCG was around 30,000.  A week later on Friday Jan 3rd it was down to 2,300.  Three days after that (today Mon Jan 6th) it's down to 564.  So the doc's opinion is to just "see what it does".  They expect if it keeps this straight nose dive that I will get a "fairly heavy bleed" once it's back to zero.  The only need to do anything is if it goes "funky" and either plateau's or goes up for some odd reason.  At the rate it's going, when I have my follow up next Wednesday it should be between 20 and zero (please let it be zero so I don't have to keep going in).

The three antibodies they test for to see if it attacked the pregnancy came back negative.  I asked which three they test for and she said the "most common three" and named them but of course I can't remember them since they're serious medical terms only someone that's heard them often would remember.

I was reminded by the nurse that the counselor (psychiatrist) is available for phone sessions but I think if I do that it will be a little later when I know more and can talk alone.  Not that I *can't* talk about this stuff around Jeff - but I think to really work through it without having to think about what he's hearing and how affects him  and having to then have almost two sessions one with her, then talk again to him.   Not that I won't do that anyway... but it can be on my own time and what I chose to share as opposed to everything.

And the nurse also reminded me that eventually I'll need to have another talk with Dr. Jacobs to decide where we go from here.  When I reminded her that we'll be back again to out of pocket after having done so for three years, then this year spend all $7K I got in coverage between late Sept and mid November on the IVF/FETs that I don't know if we will do anything more she hugged me and said "Well, you should just hear about it anyway so you can make an informed decision."  Yeah, I know.  But I'll wait until the genetic testing comes back from the lab thanks since we can't make any kind of decisions until after March at the earliest.

My thought process here I'm just free writing (so do not hold me to anything in the future) but it really all depends on Jeff's bonus that he gets in March.  My thought is I'm tired of putting off buying a house every frickin year in case we need to use that money for a down payment.  But we had two outstanding 401 loans up until Sept this year.  One was from before Jeff and I were married that he took out and the second was for 10K to pay for a huge chunk of our wedding.  We finally paid off the earlier one thus we were able to take out another.  THAT 401K loan then paid off the one from our wedding and our OOP $5K for the cycle and paid off some more bills.  So now we got rid of those first two and only have this new one.  Technically we can take out a second one, in the amount we'd need for either a down payment or almost enough to cycle.  This could pay for a cycle or for a down payment.  Not both.  But if his bonus is a healthy amount then we *might* be able to do both (but then again we might just be a few grand shy).  But a large part of me wants to wait until we've gotten a house.  Our rental Townhouse that we'll have been in for six year (OMG has it really been that long?) come beginning of March is up in May (because of a deal I worked out in 2012 where by extending our lease for 18 months we got a month free that was not part of the 18 months so we're no longer up in March.)  Anyway - even if say we get approved for a home loan in March and find out what we can do for a down payment with his bonus or if we'll need money from a 401k loan to add to it, find a house we love in our price range, work out the closing for May-ish etc.  That still put cycling into summer or fall if we have the money.  So there is no need to rush the decision because there are clearly factors forcing us to wait.  And as they say I shouldn't be making any kind of decisions while still so fresh and raw from the grief.  It has only been a week and a half since my entire outlook on the next year changed.

Up until Friday before last I was thinking about how we won't need to get nursery stuff until May/June when we'd be moving.  I thought about how it would be tough moving when you're 7 month PG.  All kinds of thoughts that I know have to stop thinking.  And that sucks fucking hardcore.  Yeah, I'm having a hard time screeching to a halt to all those thoughts I had started having.  A bad reminder of all of this that comes out of fuckin no where is that song "This is gonna be the best day of my life...my li-i-i-i-i-iiiife!" was becoming popular when I was enjoying being pregnant.  I considered it my pregnancy anthem and every time it's been on this past two months I'd sing it so joyfully while driving.  Today it came on my radio and I just wanted to take a knife the the radio.  How long do you think it will be before I can even think of hearing that song without wanting to destroy the radio?  Sigh....