Our baby was a boy

So I went in today for another follow up beta.  In my previous post I had hoped it was between 20 and zero but several of you ladies warned me the end it drops slower.  So I was preparing myself mentally for the idea it would still be above 100.  But thankfully they said it's down to 30 (from last Monday's 564).  So it should be zero I hope fairly soon.  Still no bleeding but as I believe I've said before I think my body just re-absorbs most of it since I have very very light periods.

However what I was not prepared for was that the genetics testing would be back so soon.  They said it takes two weeks to a month.  It's not been quite two weeks since we dropped it off and it was mailed out.  However it gave no answers.  I was told today that we had a "normal genetic male".

It was a boy.  A little boy.

I knew I would cry no matter which it was.  But before it was "a baby" - a bit in the abstract, if you will.  Now it's just so concrete.  We were pregnant with a little version mix of Jeff and I that would have been a boy.  And therefore it brings the pain back up fresh.

I don't know if I should feel glad to know there was nothing genetically wrong - meaning therefore if we cycle again with IVF we don't have to worry about PGD testing (and costs) or be sad that there is no reason (anti body or genetic) reason why the fuck this happened, so therefore there is no precaution we can take next time to avoid it.  I'm feeling both of those at the same time.

I did do a few of the other things I had on my to do list but can't find the strength to bother to vacuum or do the dishes or plan dinner for tonight.  Instead I think I will ignore it, take a nap, and get take out.  I have not told Jeff yet because it doesn't seem like something he should hear over the phone at work when I can tell him when he gets home.   Yet again the news and emotions it brings is sheerly exhausting.