Thoughts on Mothers Day

So for many IF and Loss women, Mothers Day is really tough.

And I get it.  I do.  I've survived four of them since starting TTC.  It's hard.  But here's the thing for me.  It's not unbearable.  For 30 years of my life, Mothers Day was about celebrating my mom.  We didn't live near relatives, so there was nothing we did other than celebrate my mom.  And we didn't go over the top.  In many ways - it was a day like any other Sunday.  Except that we'd have picked out a gift especially for mom and a card.  And we'd try to be a little nicer, a little more thankful.  And so when I was an adult and moved far away - the day was still similar.  I'd call, having sent a gift and card.  But much of the day was an ordinary Sunday in May.  So why should it now have so much more meaning?

These past five years, sure I've thought "I'll be celebrating mother's day myself next year" full of hope for the future.  But I keep coming more and more to terms that it may not be true.  That next year could be just like this one.  No child in my arms - only next year it would be the realization that it really is never happening.  But I think (*think* being the operative word here) that it will be ok.  Because I have not built it up so much.  It's a brunch with MIL and SIL.  Or remembering to get my mom's pedicure set up.  It's just another hallmark holiday people.

The bigger picture is what saddens me.  The never hearing that first laugh.  Or seeing them in their first halloween costume that they picked out themselves.  Or putting bandaids on their boo-boos.  Their first day of school.  Their first date.  Etc. Etc. Etc.  It's the nothingness that extends beyond a day a year but every day of every year for the rest of my life.  And yes, I've been trying to come to terms with that the last two years.  The nothingness of it all.  And I'm making baby steps.

But I think that biggest step can't be taken or even really grasped until the final decision is made.  The "this is the end" moment of treatment.  Because I still have that hope we don't get there.  But I'm trying to become as prepared as I guess is possible for someone.

But above all - I know that everyone handles everything in their own way.  So if you're having a hard week.  Or if Sunday you're trying to get through the day without big ugly crying.  That's OK.  Do what ever you have to do.  But for me, I remember the last four years being a little sad here and there - but mainly just another day.