Three Months In...

So I can a theory about new jobs...it takes three months.  Every single job I've had - I've been unhappy with it the first three months.  Because you feel like you don't know what you're doing, or have to get going from zero (if it's the same position you've had before just at a new place).  After about three months, you finally feel you've gotten your footing.  There have been a few times where I thought "OMG, I've made a mistake!" but remind myself to give it at least three months (Only one job did I not do this) and I've always been pleased to come out of the three months feeling good.

Well, I'm just over three months in to living child free.  In some ways it feels much longer...I'm sure in part to spending a year mentally preparing for the mere idea.  But I have several friends about to start cycling (most all for their second little one) and it's like "I can't believe I was doing all that just four months ago!"  I've gained a distance, that's hard to explain.  I took several 8 month breaks between cycles - but there was always this goal ahead.   A plan in place on how to afford it, things to do in the mean time, etc.  But now - without the "Looking-Toward-the-NEXT-STEP" mentality; time is...IDK how to put it.  But it's stretched, and made this time slower.  Longer.

And yet in some ways I feel like I have not gotten to that golden footing feeling I get after three months on a new job.  I am more confident in seeing babies - yet I still have that daydream in the back of my head that I'll be that "miracle" person that miraculously gets pregnant after years of treatment.  How long will it take to finally give up that ghost?  I'm practical...I know it will take longer than three months...but will I still have that dream in a year? Two?  Will turning 40 in three years finally get it through my head?  Or will I always have a thought of a parallel universe where I did get to have children?  Sort of like I sometimes daydream about what life would be like if I had won the lottery?  SIGH.

In many ways, giving up the full on activity of TTC with IF is so freeing...and I want others to know it's really a weight lifted off your shoulders.  I'm no longer letting people down, because now there is no expectation and hope.   But then there are these days when I'm just held down by my own desire, like I can't fully move forward until I leave that dream 100% behind.  It's nice to no longer carry the burden of other's dreams, because that is what treatment often felt like - as if my stress and desire wasn't heavy enough, I was also carrying the weight of my entire friends and family.  I guess you could say my desire was just a chip on my shoulder, everyone else's was like a 400 lb. gorilla I had on my back too.  I'm thankful to be back to just that chip.

Screw it, I'm just rambling now.  Just wanted to get some of that out I guess.