This crap is exhausting!

So a post today on the bump, there was a woman that mentioned injects and her RE saying "they are a waste of time and money".  There was a lot of back and forth from other posters that reminded me it can all be based on diagnosis- like what's good for one person and their situation might not be for someone else who has a totally different diagnosis.  I was thinking "Ok, that makes sense." 

Only for her to come back and say basically "No, my RE means for everyone injects are a waste.  I'm not trying to stomp on your hope, but I don't want you to waste you money."  Admittedly this is paraphrasing what she said, but it's pretty damn close.  Thanks (*insert sarcasm*).  Heart officially stomped yet again.

We're on a fucking break from treatments.   All in order to do injects because we are out of pocket for all treatment.  I'm aware that after doing them, there is a large chance we still may not be pregnant but ....how about a little compassion?  A little tack? Is that too much to ask for from a board that is supposed to be supportive?  I've only felt kicked in the nuts two other times in over 18 months posting on the trouble TTC board.  That is one of the reasons I love my girls there - it's supportive.  I don't feel like I need to have my IF armor on when I go on.  But I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't think so casually, and remember that anyone, anywhere, has the ability to cut me deep down.  Sure, they don't mean it that way.  But it's like people who don't get IF saying "relax and it will happen".  They don't mean to hurt us; but they do. 

I don't know the point of this post other than to say, I've had been feeling really good lately about being responsible, and taking a break so we could afford the appropriate treatment step as laid out by my RE.  Only to now be feeling .....I don't know how to describe it.....  Deflated.  I am a deflated tire.  I am feeling like someone just came and let all the air out of me. 

Labor Day Weekend

So as I said in my last post, I was slightly worried about a weekend filled with social events.  Worried, at the prospect of having anyone ask me about IF.  I really wanted to have a weekend like old times, where it didn't even enter my mind.  I came SOOOOOOO close to getting my wish! 

Saturday we went to the Founders wrap up party.  It was Krisitin's 40th birthday, so Jeff made a lot of jokes about her age (he's just forty days away from turning 40 himself so they promised payback at his party).  He also had a lot of scotch, so his jokes were in rare form.  At one point I told him he was going to make beer come up my nose, and he said "the only thing that should cum up your nose is ME!" LOL, What?!?! But I didn't miss a beat, I turned to the host's wife and said "and this is why it burns when I sneeze."  Fun times.

Next came Sunday and our friend's wedding.  It was very pretty and I actually got Jeff to take several photos around the grounds (he hates having to pose for pictures).  I got to dress up (rare) and Jeff slow danced with me to about six songs (even more rare).  At this point, I had two days of not even thinking about IF.  But then the bride said she was sorry for the post I made regarding the facebook awareness game where ladies are putting "I'm blank weeks and craving blank". Ugh.  It's her wedding day, and she's apologizing to me about how I said it was insensitive to people suffering IF? It's the one time she should be totally thinking of nothing but herself and her new husband!   But oh well, easy to brush off and move on. 

Finally came Labor Day.  We woke up in the hotel, had breakfast, and spent an hour at the new Casino in Des Plaines before driving up to Gurnee to have family BBQ with Jeff's mom's side of the family.  It was very nice to sit around with family just chatting.  We got through almost the entire day and IF wasn't even mention.  That is until I'm hugging everyone good bye as we are about to leave and his aunt that was visiting from NC said to me "And don't worry.  I know a couple that tried for years and did treatment.  They finally adopted, only to end up having two biological children afterward."  I couldn't help it... I blurted out "I HATE when people say that.  It's like saying, spend thousands of dollars on useless treatment, spend another ten thousand to finally adopt a kid and *magically* you'll get pregnant."  She then tried to back track saying she didn't know if I believed in God but it all happens for a reason, and I may never ever know the reason.  Yeah. Thanks.  That helped so much.  Ugh.  I was sooo damn close to having a fabulous, non-IF related weekend.  Jeff hadn't heard the exchange and asked me hours later once we were back home.  After hearing it he said "Well, thanks for not murdering my aunt."  Oh well, at least 98% of the weekend was fun & relaxing.

Another on bites the Dust

So I have three close girl friends that I've known since I was 12.  Two have little girls that are two years old and the third is sadly stuck in my world of IF and started treatment with my RE recently.  (And if you're reading this since I decided to be brave last week and share my story fully with her - shout out to you Lauren!)  Of the two mommies - one called to tell me that she was pregnant with her second back in March (she's due at the end of October).  When she told me, it was when I was getting my period for my first treatment IUI cycle.  I was already very emotional from that and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was a short five minute conversation with me faking happiness.  I asked what I thought were common questions (ie When are you due? What did your husband say? Have you explained it to your daughter?) and then politely got off the phone so that I could cry.  I'm talking UGLY tears people.  The heartache took me a few days to get over.  I was feeling very "why not me?" which is understandable; considering.  But since then I am very happy for her.  Yes, jealously peaks in on me every now and then when I see her baby belly or she talks to me about the nursery.  But she's very great about it.  She doesn't even mention the pregnancy unless I bring it up.  We talk about other things.  She does not complain about anything pregnancy related.  It's wonderful.

Fast forward to yesterday.  Mommy friend number two calls to tell me she's pregnant with number two and will be due in April.  Again like my previous post about perspective, it's amazing what time does to a person.  Instead of getting off the phone quickly or cryin afterward, we talked for an hour - and not a tear shed all day.  What I found sad though is how apologetic she was.  Almost sounding depressed.  I tried to reassure her that this is happy news, and not to feel bad because of my situation.  Her being lucky, does not have a single thing to do with if I can get pregnant or not.  I wish that obviously I could be sharing the news with her, but that's not my story right now.  I hold on to hope and semi-confidence that some day soon it will be.  I explained to her that last winter I was in a very "Angry at the world" mood and anything and anyone telling me about being pregnant would annoy the crap out of me for no other reason then I hated IF.  - - And don't get me wrong people, I still have my moments or days - - but they are fewer and far between now. 

They say that time heals all wounds, I don't think that it's fully true.  Time puts a scab on that wound that helps protect it, and sometimes that scab gets ripped off.  But more often then not, it does what it needs to do - protects the delicate tissue just below the surface by having a tough outer shelf.  I am currently thankful that the scab has given me the ability to be truly happy for my friend from the start. 

Now I just hope no one rips it off this weekend while I'm around a lot of friends and family.  Social events still leave me a little jittery about "what if someone asks me about it or make an inappropriate comment?"  It's a much harder thing to deal with when it's directed right at me.  Three days, four events.  Wish me luck!

Perspective changes

So if you had asked me three months ago about holding off on treatments for seven months I would have talked like the world was coming to an end.  It felt like that for the first month.  But now that we're three months into our "financial break" from treatment it's gotten a lot easier to handle.  We had thought that if Jeff gets the promotion at work that we might do an IUI/Injects cycle in the middle of fall but but now I'm not so sure.  We still have some bills left to pay off, and his 40th birthday party to pay for, and Christmas.  Oh and a trip down to Oklahoma to see my folks for Thanksgiving - yes peeps the amazing has happened!  Target actually agreed to give me Black Friday off so I can have mom's cooking for Thanksgiving for the first time in four years.  I am so damn excited I can't tell you. 

So now I'm thinking since I've come to terms with holding off until the new year for treatment that we may just keep with that... but of course that may all change if he gets it and gets the highest amount raise possible (if he gets it the raise could be anything from a 20-40% raise OMG!)  If all the sudden we have that much more money I may say "screw being conservative - bring on the drugs!!"  I kind of feel like we deserve something to go right after all the wrong in the past few years.  OK really all that's gone wrong is TTC and me finding anything marketing related so I can use my years of experience in advertising instead of wasting away in retail these last two years.  But still, can we get a break please?  Karma did we do something to upset you?  I guess we'll see soon enough, he should find out by the end of the week.  Actually he was supposed to find out three days ago but since his company is always so slow to make hiring decisions, I'm not surprised they hadn't done anything yet.

But for now can I just brag at how great he is here at home?  I worked 16 hours this weekend.  As usual, he's making dinner (he does this on the weekends).  But I came home today after working 5am-1:30 and he had lunch ready for me, dishes done, kitchen cleaned, bed made and now while he's cooking dinner he's putting away the clean dishes.  Yep - this man is a keeper! My dad never did anything like that so I guess it still surprises me.

For now, I am looking forward to next weekend.  I have a three day weekend (Yep,  I got labor day weekend off too.  Suckers!!)  as we have the Founders wrap up party Saturday, a wedding Sunday, and a BBQ at his parents on Monday.  Drinking & relaxing are def. on the menu after this week - in six days I'm working 54 hours.  It's so nice to now have several things to look forward to in the fall!

Founders Days 2011 - a look back

((Warning, this will be a long post mainly for me to look back on in years to come.))

A little back story...for 51 years my town has put on a four day festival.  Last year, during the 50th year's fest a historic rain fell Friday night of the fest.  Jeff and I were asleep in the board's rented RV as "park security".  We walked out of the park in shin high water from the flooding creek.  The fest was canceled Saturday & Sunday. 

Fast forward to 2011.  Jeff was made this years President as no one else wanted to be responsible for the "make it or break it year" because if this year had a bad turn out, the fest would die from last years lost revenue.  We needed it to be a good fest.  The month beforehand, we'd been having a drought.  Only half an inch of rain had fallen...we were happy because we wanted the park as dry as could be.  Then the Friday the week before the fest - - another historic rain fall.  More than 7 inches fell that night. It was the largest rain fall in history for a24 hour period.  We arrived at the park at 8am Saturday morning to assess the damage.  It looked horrible, there was a new stream running though the middle of the park once the creek broke it's banks. There was a 20 foot pond in the middle of where people listen to bands. 

We spent hours the next two days making back up plans, repeat visits to other parks, and talking to the board members and village higher-ups.  The board all wanted to move it, but the village wanted us to say put if possible.  By Monday, it was decided we would stay.  The park had dried out a bit and we were told the public works department would do whatever was needed to get it ready.  Jeff & the board worked Morning into late night Monday through Wednesday to get it ready. The layout, the electric, the carnival, the stage, the food vendors, etc. etc.etc.

Wednesday night came and we were all in the park drinking after a long days work.  With everyone's smart phones we saw that many storms had gone north but that one was headed straight for the park, about to hit at 10pm.  The electricians light posts were up,and as the guys raced around to get them down- our friend and board member Skippy had a light pole's cord snap and 50lbs of light equipment fell on his elbow.  It was quickly decided that we would be spending the night in the RV while he was going to the ER.  Elbow is broke, he's in a cast, we have rain, and now we're down a board member.

Skippy high on Pain killers in ER

The next morning, the sun came out.  The fest was set to open at 4pm.  More mulch was spread in the wet areas and we were ready to go.  The carnival opened to special needs kids at 4pm then the general public at 6, the card board boat regatta got underway at 6pm, and the band "Pirates Under 40" started playing Jimmy Buffet tunes at 7pm.  It was a great start.  And yes, again, we had rain - but it held off until after 10pm when the park closed.  And since Wednesday & Thursdays rains were not record level, just a mere inch, the creek stayed in it's banks. 

View from Riverfront during Cardboard Boat Regatta

Friday and Saturday continued with nothing but sunshine. :) We had great bands, a wonderful parade, a huge crowds!  Friday night alone we went through 39 kegs of beer!  Saturday night, I had a mini break down when the co-chair of the 5k& 10K run backed out because her "babysitter fell through".  She's done it for years, this was my first year.  I didn't know what I was doing.  I started to panic.  And on only 4 and a half hours of sleep, it got the best of me. I started to cry.  Jeff promised as someone who had done it before, he would help me and everything would be OK.  Thank god for wonderful & supportive husbands!!  It turns out it was actually her twins second birthday, I don't believe she had a baby sitter.  I believe she planned to flake out at the last minute all along.  Which still boils my blood.  If she wasn't going to be there, fine but why not be honest up front?  So I could have someone else as my co-chair the whole time?

My wonderful husband giving plaque to the Village President

But Sunday morning 6am came up fast.  Another day of just 4and half hours of sleep.  Everyone said I pulled off the run wonderfully...but to be honest I felt like a chicken with my head cut off.  Running around not knowing what on earth I should be doing.  But none of the runners complained, and we had 176 of them so I guess that's a good measurement of how it went.  Afterwards, I went home to finally take a much needed nap.  Only to arrive back at the park for the regional battle of the bands, and finally relaxing on the riverfront for the finale - the best fireworks around.  Afterwards I was so tired, I left the gang and passed out in the RV before midnight.  I know I missed out on fun, but the sheer exhaustion was too overwhelming.

All in all, this was one of the best fest's the board has put on.  The town loved all of it.  And for those of us volunteers?  There was blood, sweat, and yes- my tears.  But so many nights of laughs and drinks with great friends.  I had a secret fear for days that the fest would go bankrupt and be no more.  And it would be on my husband's shoulders that he was President the year it went under.  I can't tell explain the huge relief I feel from having a successful year now behind us.  And I'm soooo looking forward to the wrap up party with the board on Sept. 3rd.  It should be legendary!  And yes, I've already started making a mental list of how to improve the run for next year. :)

Two Years fly by....

Two years.    That's how long since we started TTC.  I remember it perfectly.  We married in June and I said I wanted to stay on BCP that first month so I could drink at our town's festival without worry. HA!  That was seven hundred and thirty days ago. Thinking I might be as lucky as my BFF and have a "honeymoon" baby.  Looking back at how naive I was, it is too funny.  I found "The bump.com" about two weeks into our TTC and started charting the same day.  It's now been 28 cycles.  I am on cd4 of cycle 29.  If I had conceived on that first month of trying, I'd now be the mother of a  14 or 15 month old.  But instead what am I?  An infertile looking back on two years of heartache.  The first time I cried over a failed cycle was September of '09, thinking for sure I was PG that month.  I can tell you now I am so much stronger than I was back then - - - but I'd trade that strength any day for a child.   But am I really any different? Nope.  I still have hope every.single.cycle.every.single day.  I have become more educated and an advocate for infertility, but I'm still that sad hopeful sap wanting nature to work.  Wanting to one day pee on a stick and see two pink lines. 

Today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary.  I made them a YouTube video to thank them for showing my brother and I what true love looks like.  It's filled with photos of my parents as high school sweethearts, and married at age 22.  Family pictures through out the years, and then dancing at my friends weddings.  My mom cried and said it was the most priceless gift a mother could ask for.  All I could think of was "will I ever have kids to do something like this for me?"  I would rather give her the gift of news that she will be a grandmother to my children. 

I wish looking back on two years I could have some great blog post to inspire, not only my few readers,but myself.  But all I have is the truth and my feelings.  And as always, that sliver of hope in the back of my mind that continues to whisper "Don't give up."  And so I move ahead another day, like I have every day for the last seven hundred and thirty days thinking - well, we'll just keep trying.  TTC 2+.

Going stir crazy!

So I am learning to accept that you cannot avoid the speed bumps in life.  Our most recent speed bump?  Me being a klutz!  In our garage we have two wooden steps and at the bottom of the second step is a cinder block.  It's only about an inch below the last step - so it's always been a little weird, but for the three+ years we've lived here, it's never been a problem.  On Thursday June 30th I was on the phone to the automated system with Walgreen's and hit the last stair/cinder block part uneven.  My ankle rolled to one side and I fell almost flat on my face.  Missing by inches, my face hitting my licence plate. 

I lay on the garage floor screaming obscenities for a good five minutes.

After finally deciding I should see if I could stand I limped my way back into the house.  No grocery shopping for me!  It's now been six days hanging at home with my leg up on pillows.  We decided to see a doctor the day after because my brother in law (a physical therapist) said it could be broken from the level of pain, swelling, and bruising I had going on.  Thankfully, it was not broken - they just believe the tendons are very stretched out from the severe sprain.  So I get to wear a fashionable boot for three weeks. 

Until I can take this boot off and walk on my own...I'm going stir crazy! I can go back to work tomorrow - which will at least get my butt of this damn couch. I cannot imagine what the women on bed rest go through. Because six days of nothing but TV, Books, and internet - I can't take much more. Jeff has been great at taking care of me. But I'm not one to be waited on. I am usually a couch potato, but with moments here and there of cleaning, or running errands, or visiting friends. This long of just sitting here makes me crazy!

Oh and I've been not working for this whole time, missing out on over $200.  Add in new medical bills to add to our growing pile and I no longer see saving for IUI#3 this year as an option.  Looks like we will just be holding off until January when our HSA get refilled.  Plus I'd like to look into switching plans when there is open enrollment to see if we can't get more infertility treatment coverage - since currently we are totally out of pocket.  So Jeff will be 40 and I'll be 34 before we can do another assisted cycle.  But that's just another speed bump of life. 

Sometimes I feel the "life isn't fair" weight pushing down on me.  But I am reminding myself that there are plenty of people in the infertility world older than us.  And while saving & waiting may be hard...at least we have options available to us and we are able to do something....at some point.

So speed bump - you may think you've won but nothing - NOTHING, will keep me from my goals.  You may slow me down a moment in life, but it's just that.  A moment.  And this moment, like all others will pass with time.