My emotional suit of armor broke yesterday

So it turns out I am not as strong as I thought.  I have prided myself on how well I've handled IF for the past year and a half (TTC 29 months, 36 cycles). I only POAS about one in three or four cycles.  I've only cried over BFNs three times in the past year.  I work surrounded by pregnant women, babies & children five days a week without it getting to me.  I never cry over silly reasons...only have I cried over a BFNs, one of my friends announcing pregnancy, and tear up at weddings etc. I thought I was so strong.  WRONG! 
Yesterday one of my 3T lovlies (sbrowns) posted about how old a child she would have if her first IUI had worked.  I honestly had not thought about that for a long time.  If I had gotten KU the first cycle of TTC we would have a 19 month old toddler.  If I had gotten PG off our first IUI I would be like 38 weeks PG.  Ouch.  Just then, as I was thinking about this my SIL responded back to a text I had sent her the night before about my nephews christmas gifts.  Since it took her over 12 hours to respond I had already ordered...only to find out they already had what I had picked out for them.  I got upset.  Like really upset.  Then I realized why I was so upset. 
It's not because I'm out the $10 in shipping costs, or that these kids are spoiled.  It's because for the past  12 years I have been enjoying part of Christmas through the eyes of my five nephews.  I take pride in the time & effort I put into thinking about their personalities, current interests, etc into choosing their gifts.  I love to see the look on their faces and yes, I'll admit - I love being thought of as the coolest aunt.  On my side my nephews have four other aunts.  And on DH's side- two.  So I have lots of competition.  But these past two christmas' it's like I am doing this in part because I don't have a child of my own to shower with presents.  I'm not saying I spoil them.  They only get one to two gifts per child.  And usually it's around $30 per kid.  But it's a very well thought out gift.  I've been compensating for my lack of child. :( 
And so upon realizing this on my way to work I started to cry.  Then I started to scold myself for crying.  Then I felt stupid, both for why I was crying and for scolding myself (like my mother would do to herself - talking to myself in the third person.  ie "Kati, this is so stupid. Stop it right now!).  Now it's only a four mile drive to work so it was a short cry.  But still.  Then when I got to work I saw I was scheduled for 6am on my birthday.  Then I got down right  pissed off!  I was almost glaring at anyone with a bump or child in the store.  *So if you are ever at a target and get a mean looking woman sneering at you...it might be me on a bad day.*  But thankfully after a few hours I calmed down and became myself again.  And even got someone to take the first four hours of the shift on my birthday.  But still...the chink in my armor was there.  For me to see.  I thought I was so good at not letting IF take over my holidays... but I'm not fine.  I'm me.  And even I can't go through this time of year unscathed.

Life without internet...

Some random thoughts.  Life without internet sucks!!  But I get so much more done LOL.  DH informed me on saturday that our internet was down.  We called and were told it was a problem in our neighborhood and would be fixed "in a few days".  So we settled in for a weekend full of *gasp* actually spending full attention time together!  Now, I'm not saying this is new for me & DH.  He is my best friend and no one I'd rather spend time with.  But honestly - we love sitting in the living room with a game on (hockey or football) with out laptops near us.  Me, on the bump, facebook, or pinterest.  And him playing Civ 5 or looking at fantasy football.  We chat, laugh,etc.  But all while plugged in.  This weekend was nice, but I'd like my internet back please. 
Monday came...still no service, still no answers.  I didn't have to work until 11am so I found myself spending my normal internet time cleaning house & doing laundry.   Oh, and curling my hair for work & really going to town on fancy makeup.  Everyone at work laughed that me without internet= more put together & pretty looking Kati. 
And now today.  Ok, I'm really get sick of this!  It's my day off.  House it totally clean.  I am at the library of all places using the free computer use to catch up on my efriends, see if things sold on ebay, etc.  But only for an hour before I have to go back home to my disconnected life.  **Oh, and as I sit here, I'm next to a young mom with her little six month old in a carrier next to me.  Wonder what she thinks if she pears over and sees me looking at blogs with ultrasounds, babies, and Infertility titles all along the tops. LOL.
 So no, I did not fall off the planet.  But it feels like I did!  Hope to be back up and running in a day or two! 

Interesting talk re: literature with my brother

Let me start this by saying my brother is a high school english teacher.  He has a master's in English Lit, specializing in what I don't remember...but I remember he's taken a whole class on Herman Melville for goodness sake!  **You may now proceed to laugh that someone that has as bad of spelling & grammer as myself could have an english teacher with my genes.  Needless to say, he got those good genes and like Danny Devito in TWINS, I got the "left over crap" in that department. 

Last week he posted the following on Facebook:  "All vampire stories are about sex, and escapist romance literature is for people who are unhappy with their sex lives. Twilight novels are romance novels for girls who are afraid of reading about actual sex, and their moms who are either unhappy with their own sex lives, or are enthusiastic that the girl doesn't get "bitten" until she's married. 

To which my aunt replied "hey I read Twilight".  And then my SIL (His WIFE) said she too has read them. **Ha ha Bro!  Now you are in trouble!!!***
So I decided to get a quick laugh so I commented:  "I have never read the books, nor seen the movies.  My suspicions confirmed.  My sex life = awesome!  Love, your little sister"
My dad then commented:  "Kathryn Diane, go to your room!" - Oh good, the whole family is getting in on this fun!

The conversation continued when we were all together for Thanksgiving.  And I find it interesting that he holds to his belief that it's for those that are sexually repressed.  His wife is the daughter of a former nun and is very strictly catholic.  ie no sex before marriage.  And also, can't seem to bring herself to say the word penis out loud. (This in it's self is hilarious to me.  A grown woman!)  So he said, he's not saying they have a bad sex life but he did hold to his opinion that it's for sexually disappointed or repressed women.  He gave Ann Rice's novels some of the same critique. 

I explained that people's choice in books is escapism into something they find interesting.  Example:  I lean mainly toward historical fiction.  And one of my favorites is the Outlander series.  Some feel there is a lot of sex in the book.  But I read other historical fiction that don't.  I read the books for the genre, not the sex scenes!  (BTW, my SIL has read the first book and felt it was "too much" and she was "blushing throughout the book!") 
I believe people who are into more fantasy type books (Angels, Witches, Harry Potter, etc) read them for the fantasy - just as I read for the history.  And not the sex.  He didn't buy this theory. 
And yes, I understand people read more than just one genre...for example I also lean towards criminal thrillers because I would have loved to be a detective or criminal psychologist.  And I don't think people who read fantasy don't read other types of books.  BUT, I don't think a sexually disappointed or repressed person would read Twilight for the sex.  Wouldn't they just read romance novels pure and simple if that's what they were looking for?!?!?  My brother said those are too "upfront" with it...this is a unconscious way of getting what they want. 
Since I have never read the books (and have no desire to honestly) I'm curious...did you read it because you heard it was good? Because of the love story? Because of the fantasy aspect? Or are you sexually repressed or disappointed? LOL, like anyone would admit to that!

I received a blog award this week from Sbrowns08 (AKA HappliyhomeSpun) over at The Pursuit of a Family!

Liebster is the German word for "beloved" or favorite. It is specifically designed for blogs with 200 followers or less. I am overjoyed that she nominated me last week.  And sorry that I've only now gotten around to post about it!  She is the writer of one of my beloved blogs that I have been following this past year.   Check out her page to read about her journey through IF,  starting IVF &  some ideas for staying green, being frugal, or crafty ideas(I'm so jealous she knows how to quilt!). 

I am to pass this on to blogs as well.  Well since Sbrowns already has it, there goes my first choice!  And she also picked Kathy4678 over at her blog which is another one I follow often...so I wanted to highlight these four lovely ladies I've gotten to know more through their blogs (after having "met" on the Bump's 3T.)  They are all at different spots in their journey with IF.

Erin (AKA ClukyE) at Our Jouney to Baby Negs (PG with her first after dealing with IF woohoo!!)
Brook at Invisible Finish Line (Currently breaking from TTC, thinking of living child free)
Scubagirl at Living with IF (Dealing with IF, recent IVF) <3 ((HUGS!!))
and
Hillary over at Wishing, Hoping, Praying (IF treatments on hold, looking to adopt from a birth mom who is 38 weeks PG)

Ladies,  I check your blogs weekly, if not daily, and am glad to be a part of your struggles, triumphs, hope & dreams.  You are "beloved" by the 3T community and me. 

A tour of me: through my Christmas tree

So today I put up our Christmas decorations around the house.  Jeff's family doesn't give each other ornaments like mine so all the stuff is from me; or what we've gotten since getting together.  As I have done since 1981 *when I got it for my 3rd Birthday*...I put on John Denver & The Muppet's Christmas Album (now on iTunes instead of the original record *yes record youngin's!*) and got out all of my ornaments.  I thought it a little sad that I am the only person that knows the stories that connect me to each of them.  My tree is filled with memories!  And every year I love taking the time to take each one out and remember.  So I decided to share some of my trip down memory lane with you, my sweet readers (the few of you out there). 
First off...let me tell you that I collect Penguin stuff.  The earliest penguin ornament I can find has the date of 1986 on it.  Which would make me nine years old.  This would make sense since I started liking penguins in 2nd grade ('84/'85) when I had to pick an animal to write a report on.  So I always take out every ornament and separate it into Penguin & non-Penguin so that I don't have them clustered all in one area of the tree.  I decided to take a pic of the assortment to give you an idea of how much I've accumulated over the 25 years. 

23 ornaments, two of my eight stuffed animals & 4 table top carvings.

Next, I took a picture of my very first ever ornament. I was born on December 18 - exactly one week before Christmas. In the hospital, they put on my bassinet: this Ginger Bread Man. On the back it has my birth stats. I always put this one on the tree first.



 
 
 

Next comes one of my favorite ornaments and it is special this year.  My third birthday I was all about the Muppets!  I got the album, a stuffed Kermit & Miss Piggy.  And this ornament.  I saw the new Muppet movie last week and teared up when Kermit was saying "I guess everyone's forgotten about us."  Because for me...I fall in love with them all over again every Christmas through their songs and this Miss Piggy Angel.  She always gets a spot closest to the top of the tree. 
 
I have one other that's places up towards the top and is my second fav from childhood.  1982's Eskimo icicle climber.  And one that I got in 2008, but reminds me of being a child of the 80's...it's Strawberry Shortcake!  And she even smells like the dolls did.  I place her at the easiest place for me to get a daily "whiff" because as I proclaimed to my parents when I opened her "She smells like my childhood!" 

The third picture is a Ginger Bread house; that has a funny story.  In German class in High School our junior year we had to make one with a partner.  My BFF Barb & I (aka Isle & Uli in German) made one that looked horrible!  We even put a little sign on the door saying "Isle & Uli's school for the retarded" on it. extra credit kids if you remember the Far Side cartoon that we stole this from!  My mother kept it and put it out at Christmas for five years.  Nasty.  We still laugh over how bad ours was!  My parents bought me this one a few years after we finally got my mother to throw the original away. 
 
And finally a few from the years of Jeff & I together!  This will be our 5th Christmas together.  Our families have each contributed to our tree now.  Our first "couple" ornament was from Jeff's sister the winter before we got married.  These two penguins with our names on it (note our last name is covered to protect the innocent!)

And last year, aside from our individual ornaments.  My parents got us a Blackhawk's hockey Patrick Kane with tickets to a game inside!  It was a clever gift & wonderful way to get it.  Now every year when I put up this ornament, I will remember my parent's thoughtfulness & the wonderful date night Jeff & I had seeing a game of our 2010 Stanley Cup winners! There are a hundred more like these but these are special to me. 

When we finally beat infertility, I plan to carry on my mother's tradition of giving an ornament every year.  And searching to find that perfect one to tell a story of what that child is into or doing that year.  And I cannot wait to see the ornament my mother picks out for me that first year I am a mother! 
I am very proud of the penguin ornament my 3T Bump Elf (FarmerLynda) bought for me (larger size penguin with green hat & scarf in top pic).  And I love what I picked out for my elf, I hope she'll love it too! And, like me, think of 3T every year she puts it on her tree!  But for now...the claymation Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is on so I must go...and spend more memory time with my younger self.  This year I hope you all can locate your inner child & enjoy the holidays instead of letting IF get you down!  <3

An excercise in vanity?

Yes people I post this to make you laugh...and to laugh at myself! So this year, I've tried to come up with a few "homemade" gifts for various people in my life for Christmas to save a little extra cash.  Handmade ornaments for the gals, family trees for two others, but what to do about Jeff?  Well it's been brought up before the idea of boudoir pics (on the knot & the bump).  But could I do that for free with my little handheld camera, auto timer and home printer? 

Well it's my day off, it's raining outside, and Jeff just left for a work trip to Vegas.  No time like the present I guess!  What was I thinking?  Even though these are just for Jeff - I didn't want to do nudes.  A) he sees me naked enough. B) in case they are ever found by someone other than Jeff and C) What am I Hustler?! I don't think so!  So I curled my hair and put on make up.  Then picked two outfits. (LOL, yes I went all out). One white push up bra & thong.  The second "wardrobe change" was black corset and panties. 

I did a couple poses and shots to check on angle and lighting and then got down to being serious about it.  As it turns out - what I think is my "sexy face" looks pretty ridiculous to me when seen on computer!  I cannot believe my husband does not bust out laughing when I give him a look like this!!  Thank goodness I did more with just my natural smile and not my "come hither" look because I deleted all of those.  After one hour of preping and snapping...I am left with only three shots I am semi-happy with.  Sexy photos for husband? Epic Fail.  I hope you have enjoyed this laugh.  I now return you to your regular blog posting schedule. 

Any Given Day (baby pics inside)

Warning!  This post will be talking about my BFF's daughter born on Tuesday night and include pictures!  If you are dealing with infertility, and having a bad day, you might want to back out of this post.  If anyone understand what that's like it's me.  So I've warned you up front.....



Any given day, I can be full of hope, happiness and joy.  And any given day I can be filled with anger, sadness, and dispare.  It really depends on what I've gone through that day, that month, how something is presented to you, how you decide to react.  Case in point; all three of my closest friends were just recently pregnant at the same time.  When Barb told me this spring that she was pregnant, it was during my period of my first treatment cycle.  I was heart broken...for myself.  I cried because I wasn't pregnant.  When Brit told me late summer, I was happy!  I was at peace with being on a treatment break and had a good day.  When Lauren told me earlier this fall - I was almost numb.  It was like, one too many to hear that day.  But then I took a breath and got over it.  ((I have blog posts below that go over these in much more detail)).  But I will say one thing that doesn't matter the day - it's always a good day.  It's the day I go to meet the new little bundle once it's fought it's way into this world.  When you see a cute little face, knowing it's a part of your best friend you can't help but feel overjoyed and filled with love.  Barb's older daughter Sofia (two and a half) met us in the lobby of the hospital.  Hearing her little voice exclaim: Kati!  We're going to see the baby! She's my little sister!" was worth the price of admission.  But holding that new little girl? Priceless doesn't begin to describe it.  Obviously it does bring feelings & thoughts of "I wish I had one of these!" but at the same time - it's... you know it will be a billion times the love and happiness when it's your own child and just can't wait to experience that.  Hope.  That's all I can say.  Holding that little girl gave me hope.  Because deep down inside, I feel it with every fiber of my being that I will be a mom someday.  I cannot explain why I am so certian of it.  But I was meant to be a mom.  I was.  And I will be. 

So...without further ado.  Introducing Eva Mary B...(it's pronounced Ay-vah.  Her Mommy is Hungarian).

Eva & Me

Doesn't my man look awesome with a baby in his arms??

She joined this world at 9:25pm on 11/1/11 weighing in at 8.9lbs, 21.5 inches long.  Barb said that her contractions were 5 minutes apart around 6pm while making dinner.  They were at the hospital and had an epidural by 7:30 pm.  She pushed for five minutes from 9:20-9:25.  ((We should all be so lucky!  But Eva was 10 days late so I guess when she decided it was time, it was time!  They were going to induce at 8pm, but she wanted to come on her own terms). 



Sister Sofia giving Eva a kiss....I love how her cousin Michael & Aunt & Uncle are all saying "awwwww"