Don't Ignore your relationships while going through IF! NIAW blog

So as anyone who read my blog last week knows, it's National Infertility Awareness Week!  This year resolve.org's theme for NIAW is "Don't Ignore Infertility".  In honor of this theme, I have changed my facebook page pic to this:

And my profile pic to this:

(Feel free to steal either)

But for Resolves "Bloggers Unite", they asked to write a blog on the theme of "Don't Ignore...." I decided the perfect thing to talk about is relationships.  No matter if you are "out" in your infertility struggle or silently suffering...relationships are what gets us as a human race through tough times.  I know many times, the shame of IF, or a treatment cycle failure, or the depression that can come from both makes us want to crawl in a hole.  Shut out the world.  Hide behind a protective shell.

But I find the best coping mechanism to make it through this life-altering struggle I have; is my relationships.  I have my support group of IF'ers -who truly know what it's like in the struggle.  I have my husband...my rock...who is struggling right beside me to love me and hold me when I have a hard day.  I have my family, to remind me they love me no matter what.  My friends, to laugh at the little things in life, cheer me on, and cheer me up.  I could not have made it these past (almost) three years without them.  

So for any of  you out there struggling.  I'm not saying, talk about IF with everyone.  Or even that you need to tell your family and friends.  But don't ignore them! Keep yourself open to life and the people in it!  Don't shut yourself away.  Embrace the people who care about you, because even if they do not know all that you are going through...they can help just by their presence, their smiles, their hugs.  

Infertility should not be ignored.  But neither should your relationships.  Don't let them become a lost battle in the war of infertility that you are fighting.  

  

Links to You Tube for NIAW week TWO videos

Hey blog world, I've now finished my second video for NIAW and have put them up on You Tube for anyone to share that wants to.  But please wait until NIAW April 22-28th (only two days away!).  Again, a big thanks go out to my fellow IF'ers that gave their feed back on any rough cuts, helped provide info, or inspiration, and of course a HUGE thanks for all your continued support to everyone that ever has been there for me on our long IF road.
Link to $h!t said to Those Dealing with Infertility:
http://youtu.be/tijE5grzK8k

Link to The Cost of Infertility:
http://youtu.be/qLy2MNjl690

And for those that want to view the second video with following the link...here it is!

Need a good cry

So I am 12dpIUI and got a BFN.  And my boobs no longer are sore.  And my lower back hurts.  And I'm having brown spotting.  So I'm pretty sure this is yet another in a long almost three year journey of negatives.
Because Jeff and I figured out there is only about $300 in our HSA account, we will not be able to afford another injects cycle that, even with donated meds still cost us over $1,500.  Now, some people might say "If you can't afford $1,500 - how are you able to afford a child?  Well, a child you could spread the costs (diapers, food, clothing, etc) over time.  Even for the out of pocket expenses for the hospital delivery you can make payments.  But for an IUI? Nope!  They want it all in the span of 10 days.  We cannot swing this.  So we are looking at waiting (and trying on our own) until January 2013.  If we saved $300 a month, yes I suppose we could do it in Sept or October...but we were on a tight budget last year.  And we finally have a little wiggle room and the ability to every now and then *gasp* buy some much needed clothes or have a actual date night that does not require gift cards from people.  So I'd rather wait those few extra months so that we could actually enjoy life for a little while instead of struggling.
 But for now?  I need a good cry.  And it just isn't coming.  I cried a little on Wednesday night before Jeff came home from work.  But I chalked it up to the hormonal overload I'm shoving in my body.  It was not grieving over another failed cycle.  Aside from our canceled cycle in January - when I only got to cry for five minutes in the doctors office - I have not cried hard over IF or a failed cycle in about a year.  I know what some of you IF'er are thinking....Wow, she's really strong.  But what I'm thinking is I'm pushing down emotions to the point where I don't have many.  And that's not a good thing.  I feel like I need a good release.  A good cry.  But instead I'm settling for just a few tears streaming down my face as I write this.  I guess, I'm just worried that someday when I least expect it I will totally break down.  Or maybe, I've really come to except that this is our life.  On days like this I just find it hard to believe that it will ever, ever happen for us.

World Wide Debut of my video: $h!t Said to those dealing with Infertility

OK ladies.... I decided not to edit my video much since I just don't have much time left.  This Sunday starts National Infertility Awareness Week.  Feel free to publish this video to your blog or facebook.  But to protect my privacy, please do not link directly to my blog if you are putting it anywhere aside from your IF blog.  I don't mind sharing my identity with the IF community, but feel a little shy about it elsewhere.  Don't get me wrong - I want it out in the world...I just don't know about losing my privacy.  This is sort of a test, as I don't know if you'll be able to "grab" it off my blog.  I am assuming later this week I will need to be putting it up on You Tube in order for those not my friends on Facebook to share it.  (If so, I will put the link here).  If you are sharing it other than the IF blog world or chat world (the bumps etc.), please wait until Sunday as I want it really for NIAW.  ~ Thanks Katib77.  Oh, and please comment on your thoughts!

Turn Back Time Tuesday - Being "Aunt Kate" & 13 going on 30?

Why the hop in the time machine to look back on being an Aunt?  Well, my oldest nephew Ryan is having his confirmation this weekend.  And as a 13 year old, my SIL decided the best gift for him was advice.  She asked all of us relatives to come up with advice, or favorite quotes to help this awkward teen make his way through the next few years.  We all remember being 13, don't we? Ugh.  Not fun at all.  So I wrote my advice based on knowing he is about to fully walk into "the teen years".  Here is the advice I wrote to him.

Ryan~

When times get hard (and they will) remember that sometime soon you will look back on them in the past tense.  The best thing about life is it keeps moving forward and you always have an opportunity to start anew.  Moments are just that.  Moments.  And they will all pass by eventually onto new moments. 

 

Take pictures!  Take pictures to document the moments worth remembering.  Because the years move by so fast, you’ll want to be able to look back fondly and remember those good times.  

 

And above all, remember to have hope!  My personal favorite quote is from my favorite movie, The Shawshank Redemption.  “Hope is a good thing;  maybe the best of things.  And no good thing ever dies.”  I have so much hope for you Ryan... on what is to come in the years ahead as you make your way through life.  Enjoy it, because the meaning of life is truly to enjoy the ride!

Love, 

Aunt Kate

Being thirteen is about it being awkward!  Thirteen is about feeling no matter what, you're not good enough.  Thirteen is about hormones raging through your body, acne, bad hair, body hair, poor choices in style, etc. Right?  I thought I was so mature when I was thirteen.  13 going on 30!  But I was no where near as "trying to be grown up" as some of the thirteen year old girls I see walking around town!  Do they know they'll be "old" before they know it?  I swear the past 21 years have gone by fairly quickly.  And now I know I that I didn't know anything!  (And probably still don't).  

Lord help all 13 year olds!  It's got to be one of the worst years (in my opinion).  What other advice can you give aside from "It'll soon be over"?  At least I tried to me more eloquent and yet convey that idea.  

We were also asked to include a photo of either ourselves, or one of us with Ryan.  Sadly, the pictures I have of just me and Ryan from the real early years are not digital.  And once he got older, I took pictures...but there is not one of just the two of us.  So I sent this one and only digital photo of me with him and one of his younger brothers playing "horse".  It's from 2003 or 2004 when he was about four years old.  Then a picture of Ryan now.  And a picture of me, when I was about his age (I'm 14 in the picture).  I always looked old for my age, but geez!  

Half way finished with two week wait.

It's Sunday.  It's been one week since the IUI, and no symptoms other than sore boobs (which we all know is the progesterone) and higher temps (also from supplements).  Admittedly, my temp at 98.6 is the highest it's ever been during a cycle...but this is also the first time I've ever been taking 400mg of progesterone instead of just 200mg.

But :::blushes:::: there is one other thing.  We had afternoon delight today (and I recently woke up from the nap that this induced) and I have to say...there are a few times when I've thought "best time EV-ER" but this had to have truly taken the cake!  I am mortified if our neighbors heard me.  Live in a town home and share the side walls.  Our bed butts up to one of these walls, so if our neighbor to the left went to the bathroom at any point during this I'm sure he heard me.  Plus, we had the living room screen door open.  Now, granted it's about 25 ft. away from the closed bedroom door.  But I'm telling you, I was LOUD.

So naturally, I've just been on a search to see if higher levels of progesterone increase levels of sexual satisfaction.  Sadly, most sites I found were about menopause so I didn't get a good answer to my question.  And for all I know, it was just really good, plain-old, sex.  I am after all 34 and at the height of my sexual peak. (Which I have to say, has seriously fun these last two years).  And in a way, I chalk up to a reason to be happy (if I need to try and find any silver lining to this crappy hell of IF) is that we don't have kids yet.  I can't imagine trying to have been quiet!

I can't remember if I blogged about my P4 levels from Friday.  It was 16.  Which, since they want it over 15 on medicated cycles is fine.  And it was taken two days early, so who knows what they are today if they had been taken now?  But ever since my first IUI levels were 25, it's like I think any less than that is not great.  But I am trying to remind myself the advice I give to all the girls who come and have the same woe's.  We have so many grads that had low P4 levels, even when pregnant.  It's not really a good indication of anything - other than ovulation in and of itself.  Oh well.  One more week (at the most since my period really should show up on Friday with my crappy luetal phase) of obsessing.

P4 reading and some rambling

So just got the call from the REs office...P4 was 16.  Of course it is a little easy for the test (I'm 5dpo instead of 7dpo) but I'm taking progesterone supplements...200mg oral (and for a little experiment, 200mg vaginally).  Some people may look down at me for trying this.  But so many people on the board say their doctors tell them to take it vaginally so I figure why not try?  Also many, many women are on a higher dose that 200mg than me, so I thought a double dose it not the worst thing in the world.  Especially since I have such a crappy LPD that I get my period WHILE ON the supplements.  I read over and over again from girls about how they'd test at 14dpo, get a negative, stop taking their supps, and it would take two more days before period shows up.  I get my period around cd12 or cd13 on the supps!!  Clearly my P4 level is always too low, even on treatment cycles if I can't make it to 14dpo.  Good lord!

Ssshhh.  I hate to admit it "out loud" here because that makes it more real.  But I'm starting to worry how the hell would we ever be able to afford IVF if we need it?  I know we still have another IUI left in our back pocket.  And I know I'm supposed to be trying to be as hopeful as possible over here.  But my mind keeps going there.  We cannot afford it.  At all.  The only way I can figure it out, is if Jeff can borrow from his 401k (But we can't until the loan we took out of it for our wedding is paid off...and I'm not sure if that was a 3 year or 5 year plan).  And then we could borrow from that for about half, use our HSA for $3-4 grand, A few thousand from DH's annual bonus and get donated meds maybe, and try to get someone in the family to lend us another $5-8k so that we could do shared risk. (Meaning we'd have at least two fresh and two frozen cycles).  Otherwise, with the HSA & 401K loan & bonus, we'd only have one shot at it.  THIS SUCKS!!!

The other option left, is to work my way up to Team Lead at Target by start of January, and be able to get on their insurance - which I'm told, but they are not certain - has IF coverage.  But...I have very little control over this.  It's if they feel I am "ready".  And how I perform in the job I'm being promoted to in May.  And if there is an opening in our region.  And the store manager that loves me just moved away so mainly I'm stuck with managers that don't really care for me. And. And.  And.  AAARRGGHH!!!

But for now, I will once again try to put these thoughts out of my mind.  Concentrate on the idea that this time (or next time if needed), it will work.  PLEASE let it work!