Need a good cry

So I am 12dpIUI and got a BFN.  And my boobs no longer are sore.  And my lower back hurts.  And I'm having brown spotting.  So I'm pretty sure this is yet another in a long almost three year journey of negatives.
Because Jeff and I figured out there is only about $300 in our HSA account, we will not be able to afford another injects cycle that, even with donated meds still cost us over $1,500.  Now, some people might say "If you can't afford $1,500 - how are you able to afford a child?  Well, a child you could spread the costs (diapers, food, clothing, etc) over time.  Even for the out of pocket expenses for the hospital delivery you can make payments.  But for an IUI? Nope!  They want it all in the span of 10 days.  We cannot swing this.  So we are looking at waiting (and trying on our own) until January 2013.  If we saved $300 a month, yes I suppose we could do it in Sept or October...but we were on a tight budget last year.  And we finally have a little wiggle room and the ability to every now and then *gasp* buy some much needed clothes or have a actual date night that does not require gift cards from people.  So I'd rather wait those few extra months so that we could actually enjoy life for a little while instead of struggling.
 But for now?  I need a good cry.  And it just isn't coming.  I cried a little on Wednesday night before Jeff came home from work.  But I chalked it up to the hormonal overload I'm shoving in my body.  It was not grieving over another failed cycle.  Aside from our canceled cycle in January - when I only got to cry for five minutes in the doctors office - I have not cried hard over IF or a failed cycle in about a year.  I know what some of you IF'er are thinking....Wow, she's really strong.  But what I'm thinking is I'm pushing down emotions to the point where I don't have many.  And that's not a good thing.  I feel like I need a good release.  A good cry.  But instead I'm settling for just a few tears streaming down my face as I write this.  I guess, I'm just worried that someday when I least expect it I will totally break down.  Or maybe, I've really come to except that this is our life.  On days like this I just find it hard to believe that it will ever, ever happen for us.