P4 reading and some rambling

So just got the call from the REs office...P4 was 16.  Of course it is a little easy for the test (I'm 5dpo instead of 7dpo) but I'm taking progesterone supplements...200mg oral (and for a little experiment, 200mg vaginally).  Some people may look down at me for trying this.  But so many people on the board say their doctors tell them to take it vaginally so I figure why not try?  Also many, many women are on a higher dose that 200mg than me, so I thought a double dose it not the worst thing in the world.  Especially since I have such a crappy LPD that I get my period WHILE ON the supplements.  I read over and over again from girls about how they'd test at 14dpo, get a negative, stop taking their supps, and it would take two more days before period shows up.  I get my period around cd12 or cd13 on the supps!!  Clearly my P4 level is always too low, even on treatment cycles if I can't make it to 14dpo.  Good lord!

Ssshhh.  I hate to admit it "out loud" here because that makes it more real.  But I'm starting to worry how the hell would we ever be able to afford IVF if we need it?  I know we still have another IUI left in our back pocket.  And I know I'm supposed to be trying to be as hopeful as possible over here.  But my mind keeps going there.  We cannot afford it.  At all.  The only way I can figure it out, is if Jeff can borrow from his 401k (But we can't until the loan we took out of it for our wedding is paid off...and I'm not sure if that was a 3 year or 5 year plan).  And then we could borrow from that for about half, use our HSA for $3-4 grand, A few thousand from DH's annual bonus and get donated meds maybe, and try to get someone in the family to lend us another $5-8k so that we could do shared risk. (Meaning we'd have at least two fresh and two frozen cycles).  Otherwise, with the HSA & 401K loan & bonus, we'd only have one shot at it.  THIS SUCKS!!!

The other option left, is to work my way up to Team Lead at Target by start of January, and be able to get on their insurance - which I'm told, but they are not certain - has IF coverage.  But...I have very little control over this.  It's if they feel I am "ready".  And how I perform in the job I'm being promoted to in May.  And if there is an opening in our region.  And the store manager that loves me just moved away so mainly I'm stuck with managers that don't really care for me. And. And.  And.  AAARRGGHH!!!

But for now, I will once again try to put these thoughts out of my mind.  Concentrate on the idea that this time (or next time if needed), it will work.  PLEASE let it work!