Lost my MoJo these last few weeks.

So the height of summer to me is Founders.  And afterwards is exhausting because so much energy was put into the Fest.  It takes a good week to catch up on sleep, at least.  An additional week to lose the five pounds I always seem to gain from the beer and fried food  But usually within two weeks we're back to routine, weight, sleep, etc.

This year? Nope.  Can't seem to get enough sleep.  And, Woohoo! Yesterday was the official pre-fest weight so yes, it did take me 17 days to loose those five pounds but happy they are gone.  I was getting worried I wouldn't lose them all before Halloween candy and Holiday food start to pack them back on.   **My year is a combination of gaining and loosing those five/six pounds.  Only chance to really gain ground is in the spring and early summer when I tend to do IF treatments and pack them on from all the hormones, so it's a vicious cycle!** And as for routine? Fagedaboutit!

My work has been hectic with a lot of personnel changes that I have had not consistency in my schedule.  I have actually been forced to work a LOT of nights.  What this causes is not being able to get to sleep until around 1am, waking up around 9am and feeling like half the day is wasted.  It also makes it that I rarely see Jeff.  And while, yes, we are on a treatment break we still are trying on our own.  But when I work nights and get home around 11pm it's too late, Jeff's too tired, etc. that we're not even trying this month....OK we'll try, but it will be cd16 so what are the chances I have not ovulated? Um none.  I always ovulate between cd12 and cd15.  So sure, there is that small miracle that I am on the later end this month and ovulate on cd15 and the egg is still alive by the time we get around to having sex on Saturday but you know what?  I'm not even that upset.

I'm just so blah suddenly.  And not about having sex, I was seriously randy the other week.  But blah about everything.  I am a bit of a OCD on cleaning and usually do everything in one day (because to me there is no better feeling then a fully cleaned house).  But I've been stretching everything out to one or two cleaning activities a day so I have more time to lay around.  And eating!  I looooove to eat but nothing interests me lately except the idea of take out.  A few days ago I barely ate all day; and for a diabetic that's not good....I need food to survive and I've even had low blood sugar attacks so I know better.  But I just don't have the motivation to get up.  It's like working in the evening has sucked all of my energy out.  And I think part of that is not seeing my husband.  When I work in the day, at the end of the day I have his company to look forward to.  But now? Cleaning the house and eating...all I have to "look forward" to at the end of the day is working. BLAH!  I think this is also why I've been taking naps, even though I get 7-8 hours of sleep this week.  Because if I have nothing to look forward to, might as well sleep.  I also tend to feel this way when I'm depressed, so I know the pattern - blah feelings towards cleaning and eating and napping often.  But the thing is - I don't feel depressed.  I guess just missing my husband and joy in life for a while is making me unconsciously depressed.  But, you know what I mean...I don't feel hopeless, I don't feel "lost" in life (just on hold).  I don't know what I'm saying, I guess just writing it is helping me.

Thankfully I have Friday night off (actually work in the day) and then the weekend off (FINALLY!! Back to my every other weekend off!  It's been June since I had a weekend off except for Founders).  And then don't work a night again until next Wednesday and the following weekend.  I actually get to work in the day on Monday, Thursday and Friday!!  I can't tell you how happy I am at the idea of actually being home, to make a home cooked dinner (even though I'm not excited by food right now, I'm so tired of work food for dinner).  And to spend time with my husband!

AND of course there is something to look forward to, it's just two months away.  Our Vacation to VEGAS. And Polish thanksgiving will be before then (Sept. 22).  And cooler weather, with sweaters and boots!  And the Founders wrap up party on Sept. 15th.  I think I really just need to accept this work schedule is bringing me down and that next week is better.  And if after they have the two new people fully trained, if they keep giving me a schedule of 60-70% nights that I need to stand up for myself and demand they spread it out among the new people more.  As I told Jeff the other night, I'd be happier with less hours and less money, if I could see him and be a happier Kati.  Sadly, I can't just quit but they can spread the nights over more people now that they've hired them.

Founders and 3 Years TTC

**Warning to my IF friends, this post will be filled with pics and yes, many of them have kids & babies**
So sadly  thankfully, our TTC anniversary falls during one of my favorite times each year.  Our town's Founders Days.  If you read about two years ago and last year, you know that Jeff and I are very involved.  Jeff was President for the second year in a row and I was in charge of the 5 & 10K run.  Very busy weekend where we only see the inside of our house to shower and sometimes sleep.  **We sleep in a camper down in the park as we have "security" duty.  Also, most nights we get home at 2am and leave at 8am so there is only so much sleep.   I'm still recovering.  i.e. taking a two hour nap for the last two days.  
All that said, I had to fit in time to see one of my besties.  Brit was in town from Georgia for a dual baptism with my other friend (and her sister) Lauren.  I got to meet Brit's son Carter for the first time.  And was able to squeeze in a few hours on Friday and two hours for the after party for the baptism (I was in charge of the race then so couldn't go to the actual event.)  During the weekend I also sat with all my friend's and their children for the Fest's parade.  Barb told me she forgot her camera, and would I mind taking some pictures for her?    I soon turned into camera gal on all things cuteness between six kids...two of them age three, one age two, and three all eight months or younger.  I will not tell a lie...I did get a slight pang of sadness that all these kids got to enjoy Founders through the eyes of a child, and I didn't have a little one to share it with.  But the moment was fleeting.

Ellie, Carter & Addyson's ...Cousin's First Founders

Sofia waving to the veterans

Ellie praying for candy as Mom Brit fixes her hair

And come Sunday, I was prepared for the baptism party.  It's two close friends and their family.  They all know my struggle, but it was not about me and I love the babies so I knew I'd make it through it great.  What did I not count on encountering?  A friend of Lauren's also in attendance announcing they were PG just four months after their wedding.  Yep, que bitter, sad, and yes even crying Kati.  I made a smart ass remark once or twice.  (To the couple "Didn't you guys just get married last month?!!") and to Brit with couple in the room when talking about how it was a honeymoon baby "Must be nice" **dripping with bitter sarcasm.   And then I ate a BIG piece of cake, sat on the porch and cried for a good ten minutes.  Damn IF sucks when it catches you off guard.  You'd think going to a party with two babies as the center of honor I'd be all kinds of prepared.  I did have my "When, not IF" necklace on though, so I rubbed it to remind myself that I wear it as armor in my battle.  It helped a little.  Not enough though.

Brit, Ben, Ellie and Carter on Carter's baptism Day

But the best night of the fest?  Friday night was girls night for my friends.  They all got the grandparents to babysit, came down to the park and drank.  Since we so rarely get together, it's such a treat.  Yes, it's understanding that since their children are so much a part of their lives that there were many talks of diapers, sleep, cuteness, ect.  That I could not join in on, and felt a little left out.  But there was also much of the night laughing, singing to the band, and reminiscing old times.  I love and miss my girls.

Lauren, Barb, Brit and I for Girls Night Out!!

Saturday with Me, Cher, Jackie, Dottie and Arlene

The fest was awesome; we had the best sales ever for beer and now there is no more worry from two years ago's flood that we'd have to cancel the fest.
And so three year ago, as the fest ended, we started our TTC journey.  And three years later, we're still stuck here.  But I still have hope.  And no matter if years from now we even have to live child free... I will always have the fest to love.  The parade, the fireworks, the bands, the corn, the friends, and the good times.  So I think I am glad that our TTC anniversary is tied in with such a wonderful time of year.

Reunions

Brit, Me, Joy, Chrissy, ?? and Erica at 10th reunion back in '06

I went to my 10 year high school reunion.  (Back in 2006, God I'm old).  And I remember that my BFF Brit and I had built it up so much in our head of how much fun it would be that it didn't live up to the hype in our head.  It was still fun, but a bit of a let down after imagining it different.  Yes, we talked to some people we hadn't in years but for the most part - with Facebook and Myspace...I kind of knew a little of what was going on with the people I had been friends with.  And please, I'm still super close with my four best HS friends (they were all my bridesmaids).

My Parents used to joke that HS reunions were funny because at the 10 year - every one is trying to brag.  Like "Look how great my life is"; talking about jobs, marriage, and kids.  Well in 2006 I had no kids (obviously) and no husband (not even a steady boyfriend).  So I was thankful I had my awesome job of working in television to talk about.  And moving around the country for it, while many had stayed in our hometown.  My parent's claim the 20 year reunion no one is bragging anymore, it's really time to reminisce on old time, reflex how old you've gotten etc.  My husband skipped his 20th reunion (as it was the same summer as our wedding and we were a bit busy).  He said he didn't care.  (*Yep, I married a guy that graduated HS at the age of 17 in 1989...six years older than me but seven years of school older).   My 20th is still four years away but I bet I'll go.  But I'll keep my expectations low this time.

My last post was about Ma Higgins passing away and yesterday was her memorial "Irish Wake" (ie it was held at a bar of a country club so we could all sit around drinking, eating, and talking.)  And in a way it was a 10 year reunion of college!  Granted I graduated from college 12 years ago, but there were six of us there that all lived on the same floor in the dorms together: Tuttle, Hamlet (aka the Erin's), Raechel, Abby, Me and  Kim.  Kim was of course busy most of the time since it was for her mother but I did finally get to meet her two little kids Guillian (3) and Sean (18 mons).  But for the most part it was the other five of us sitting around talking.  And the talk was totally 10 year reunion fare:  Jobs, Husbands, Kids.  And this reunion I had the husband, but not the kids or the cool job.  Eh, it is amazing what time will do.  I didn't care so much (aside from the typical heartache of an IF'er listening to fun talk of children's antics wishing they were my stories and wondering "will they ever be?").  It was just so nice to see them again.  Tuttle and Raechel, I had not seen in four years.  Hamlet & Abby, I had not seen since 2000.  Finally at the last 45 minutes it turned more to the 20 year reunion type talk of "remember this party?"  and "Who was it that stole that sign with us?"  There were many laughs that last hour.  It's too bad it was a two hour drive so we all left after being together for about 3 hours.  But we agreed the next time Kim was in Wisconsin (She lives in California now after having spent 3 years in Germany) that we should have a reunion not at a funeral.  And maybe get a few more of the old crew together.

Kim, Raechel, Tina, Tuttle, Me and Simon - Oct 98 "Up North"

But it made me realize, yes - facebook is good for learning the simple things... Like I knew that Hamlet had three little kids and worked at an after school program for kids.  But nothing compares to actual face to face stories like hearing her tell about how her 3 year old son has learned with morning wood how to make it move.  We were drinking beer laughing so hard when she told us he was like "no mommy, don't put my clothes on, look how strong it is!"  This would be inappropriate for FB, but for a convo over drinks? Funny!  And when we were commenting on how pretty Kim's Brother's Wife was it came out that three out of the five of us, at one point or another, had made out with Chris. LOL.

Last time Me, Raechel, Kim & Tuttle were together. Summer 2008

These are the people that I spent three years of my life with. (I transferred in as a sophomore).  And sadly, with all the drinking - in many ways, that part of my life is more of a blur than any other time in my life.  It's great to have us together to put some pieces together, or bring back a memory you forgot was hidden in your mind.  And this is why I like that I started my "Turn back time" posts.  Sometimes we're too busy with the moments of current life to look back and remember all the fun we've had.  On the way home I heard Toby Keith's song "Sixteen hundred and Fifty Two Beers Ago" and couldn't help but laugh at how appropriate that song was for the memories.  I'm just sorry none of us thought to take a picture of all of us together again.

Turn Back Time Tuesday: Remembering Ma Higgins

I found out late last night that a friend passed away unexpectedly.  But she wasn't an ordinary friend.  She was a surrogate mom.  Ever have one of those?  I have had two.  My BFF's Brit and Lauren's mom is one.  I've known her since I was about 15.  This, however, is Ma Higgins.  Ma was my college roommate Kim's mother.  And she wasn't like any other mom I'd ever met.
She'd had Chris and Kim when she was young, so when I was 19 and met her the first day Kim and I moved in together at Whitewater fifteen years ago, I think she was 40.  Maybe 41.  And they were from a "good old" Wisconsin town where it was a unwritten rule that if you had a parent with you, you could drink underage.  (Gotta just love Wisconsin).  Kim's parents were divorced from when she was little, and Ma loved to have us come back to town on the weekend, and go out and party with her.  And she was happy to have a housefull (I'm talking 15-20 of us) come and have a party at her house.  She always said she knew college kids were going to drink, better to have us under her roof where she could watch out for us, keep us from driving, etc.
Kim and I lived together the entire 3 years we went to Whitewater together.  And when I graduated, I still came to visit at least twice a year.  When I moved to West Virginia, I even made a special trip down to NC to see a Nascar Race to meet up with the Higgins clan (and I hate Nascar).  But it was a chance to see my friends.  And I considered Ma a friend, not just my friend's mother.  We exchanged cards and Christmas presents until only a few years ago.  She was the biggest Packer fan I ever knew.  Her entire bathroom was decorated in Packer gear.  So when working at the TV station in Wisconsin, when I got my hands on two great (copy written - ssshhhh!) pics of inside the locker room with Brett Farve, I copied them, printed them out on 5x7 and mailed them to her.  Along with an autograph of Donald Driver I scored for her.  Small tokens to show my appreciation, but to her - coveted Fan pieces to brag to everyone that her "Miss Kati" got her.
In the past few years, with her moving to NC and not able to make it to our wedding.  Our friendship had been relegated to Facebook.  As sadly, most old friends not near by do. Last year she had volunteered and spent a month as a nurse helping victims of the earthquake in Haiti.  And was trying to get enough money to go back. She has such a big heart.  But a month ago she had left a message on my wall about soon moving back to Wisconsin.  And I truly thought I'd see her again in the next year.  I learned of her death, from Kim, in a facebook message.  Which, I understand.  Poor Kimmy had to have called tons of people to let them know personally...but wanted to let the rest of us know soon too.
I find myself today thinking of her constantly, and tearing up.  She was only 55 or 56.  This past weekend had gone to see Kenney Chesney and Tim McGraw in concert.  Was full of vibrant energy.  I don't know how she passed away yet, but I worry....  I know in recent years Kim said Ma seemed to be drinking a bit too much, and seemed to be depressed (although she always outwardly showed happiness and spunk).  And I know on Sunday she had complained of 106 degrees temps in Charlotte.
So my mind races, was it the heat?  Was it due to drinking?  I hope not.  I think that would weigh heavy on Kim's mind, like it was preventable some how.  I hope it was something quick, like a heart attack.  I hope she did not feel much pain, if any.  I hope she knew, how much she was loved.  But more than anything, I wish I could have one of those big bear hugs Ma was famous for.  And hear her tell me it's not true.

Above is a picture from Winter 1998/1999 at one of her house parties for us college kids.  All us girls are piled on the couch with her (second from right) as the boys are in the backround playing cards  (I'm on the far left since I set up the timer to take the pic of all of us).  Miss you Ma!

Sometimes I don't understand the world

On Friday a former co-worker of mine committed murder/suicide.  It's been over a year and a half since I worked with him, but he worked as a front lanes manager for the first year and a half that I worked.  I used to joke with him, talk sports, each lunch....next to someone that committed murder.  And then killed himself.  I've never been in a situation like this before.  Some people at work are sad over his death, others saying things like "he killed someone, I don't feel sympathy for people that murder."  Me? I just have a stone in my stomach.  I find it nauseating.  But don't know what to feel.  But in the 24 hours since I heard I can't seem to stop thinking about it.  Honestly, I wish I didn't know.  I've always thought of people who do that as whack jobs.  Someone you'd say to your self "That person's totally unhinged."  And maybe I'd have thought that if I had seen him recently.  But I can't.  I still see him as a laughing, joking man.  And you think, if a person can spiral down that deep into the hands of evil - can everyone?  And it makes the world a scarier place for me today.

Even the Hunger Games bring IF to mind...

So from Tuesday afternoon to Saturday morning, I have been doing almost only one thing non-stop outside of work: Reading the Hunger Games Series.  I had held off for a while on the hype but finally gave in an OMG...loved them.  And as I look to my left I see Jeff is now close to finishing the first book.  Took us both less than 24 hours.  Yes, it is that good.

So what does this have to do with being a infertility reminder? *And trust me, I will not reveal any spoilers for the overall book, just general observations*  Book three in the very early pages mentions that one of the districts is no longer able to have children.  They have become infertile.  Can you imagine infertility effecting every one in your state? At least you wouldn't be "alone" as so many of us feel from time to time.  But how sad!  And the fact that even immersed in the world of Panem (the name of the country) in the future, I still end up getting pulled into my own hell from just a simple mention? Great.  Thanks Suzanne Collins.  Like I needed that!

Thankfully, it's just a mention on maybe two pages of the third book.  But, they do every now and then (throughout the entire series) mention that the main character and heroine doesn't want kids (so they would never be subjected to the Hunger Games themselves).  I don't hate her for this.  I love her for this.  What I hate, is once again being sucked out of fantasy... back to reality - even in the form of what is supposed to be escapism for me (reading).

And yet, this perfectly explains something.  There is never any escaping it.  IF pain, sadly, is everywhere.  And why? Because it's a perfectly natural human instinct to want to further our species.  Those on the outside have absolutely no understanding of how many things "trigger" our heartache.

For me, I've pushed it down and made myself numb often.  I can see endless posts on facebook of pictures of children, updates on pregnancies, funny "listen to what my kid just said" updates without it bothering me (like it does many IF'ers).  But seeing a mother at Target ignore her child brings it to the front of mind.  A friend talking about their child's baseball game only makes me wonder - will Jeff ever get to play catch with a child of his?  Watching a commercial with families in it; we don't need a mini-van, kids meals, the latest water gun, etc but seriously the vast majority are for the "average" adult...who has kids of varying ages.  Even, yes reading a book about a game of killing people off can't let me escape it.

It's sad that there really is no place to hide from it.  Ever.  I guess that I've know that all along, because I've always made myself except that reality and try not to hide from it.  It doesn't bother me much anymore.  Only every now and then does the sting of it find a raw nerve.  I just sometimes wish I had a switch I could flip, and forget about it, and make it through one whole day.  Just one whole day, without it ever even entering my mind.  Maybe someday, I will.  But this day....like the the past 740 days (give or take) since the words slipped out of our doctors lips that we are dealing with infertility....  This is not that day.

Catching up on the Anniversary week

So last blog I posted what to do for our anniversary.  And came up with four ideas.  That was Tuesday, and Jeff was out of town until that night.  His flight out of DC got delayed and he didn't get home until almost 11pm so we didn't get much of a chance to discuss plans - but I gave him a quick run down of the four options I had thought of.
Fast forward to the next morning.  I made us a breakfast of Cinnamon Rolls and sausage.  I asked what he wanted to do; he wavered on all options - finding fault with my ideas of boating for various reasons. :(  I said I was going to take a shower and get ready and he could think on it some more while I got ready.  About 45 minutes later, I appear ready for anniversary fun only to find? He hadn't really thought more about it.  I explained I was ready to go...anywhere but I just did not want to sit on the couch like I do so often.  But still, at this point I was in a good mood, but anger was starting to fester.  He said, "Gimme a minute" and I thought he was looking up some idea on the computer...only minutes later to hear some YouTube video a friend had sent him.
Now let me say, my time of the month was set to arrive any minute now at this point.  So what happens?  Irrational Hormonal Girl arrives on the scene.  Yes, I started getting bitchy.  Granted - it was some what warranted since he was just playing around while I was sitting there, with several plans he had dismissed.  So I think to appease me - he agreed to go to Lake Geneva.  I felt bad that it was more like doing it to get me from bitching more, and as we started to drive there - I expressed my sadness in ruining our anniversary (sounding more hormonal? Yeah, gotta just love being a girl.  Yelling one minute, weepy and apologizing the next.)
Thankfully, since my husband is amazing.  And knows me well - he shook it off as nothing was ruined and started cracking a few jokes.  By mid- hour drive up- I was feeling good and happy once again to be married to such a wonderful, understanding man.  So we had lunch overlooking the lake (and the carriage ride horse) while (typical of us) mocking poor strangers in secret.  I don't know why we find such fun in making jokes to each other about the people around us.  We're like the last episode of Seinfeld, and I will not be surprised if one day we are caught and thrown in jail.  LOL.

our view from lunch table

After an hour of walking around, enjoying the 72 degree day, we agreed we're not 'tourist town shoppers' an called it a day.  Once home from our scenic drive home through fields of cow pastures and picturesque barns, we stopped for BOGO Frappachino's at Starbucks.  And then to his parent's to see the progress of the bathroom remodeling.

Then home for an hour to relax before a most amazing dinner at Bone Fish Grill.  We both had the lump crab/corn chowder soup, shared an ap of Bang Bang Shrimp before I got "Diablo Shrimp Fettuccine" (too spicy, yet so delish!  Jeff finished if for me the next day since it was just too spicy for me).  And Jeff had some Talapia dish.  

All in all, a lovely anniversary.  Happy Third Year Baby!