Well, that hope was short lived.

BFN this morning.  Fully expect negative beta news this afternoon.  I had really only been hopeful and having bad phantom symptoms for the last three days or so.  But of course they helped me think it might have worked.  Right now I'm numb.  Like "really?  This is all my life has become."  Do these little medical cycles and fail.  It's getting harder to imagine a different outcome after so long, but I still daydream about it.   I spent yesterday on "positive thinking" trying to come up with visions in my head of later this year like "I'll be seven months pregnant at Christmas" etc.

I'm numb.  Just numb.  No tears yet, just tired.  Exhausted really.  So fucking exhausted.

The promise

So, I don't normally ask Jeff's opinion on when I should POAS.  I would do it whenever I wanted.  But this cycle he said he liked being "more involved", what with his homework assignment etc. so I decided I'd ask.  Because I had thought "maybe I'll test on Sunday" since we would both be home together.  He responds?  "NO! Wait until 12dpIUI like the doctor said."  Huh?  He paid attention to that? D'Oh!  He said he didn't want me to get a negative and be all upset if it was just too early to test anyway.  OK, baby.  That's sweet.  So I promised not to test.

Well, let me tell you - this morning not POAS was really really hard.  Because yes I've been having all the lovely symptoms progesterone give:  sore boobs, tired, burping etc.  And I had two symptoms I almost never have; heightened sense of smell on Thursday and yesterday I was nauseated.

Now, these are not the symptoms I had back in early February when I had my chemical pregnancy.  Then the main thing was I could not get full.  Like, I was hungry the instant I finished eating.  But from what I've heard each pregnancy is different so my mind was all hopeful.

But I was a good girl and didn't test.  And now this afternoon I started spotting.  Granted, it's really, really, really light.  And it's pink.  But I remember this.  All this does is remind me of the start of my chemical pregnancy.  I can't take that.  Seriously.  Not again.  But I know, it will be whatever it will be.  I can't stop destiny.  Either this is it or it's not my time.  And sadly, only time will tell.

MFI experiment...inconclusive so far

For those of you that remember, we were doing a MFI experiment for IUI #5.  Jeff was instructed to expell either from masterbation or sex every.single.day. from cd4 until trigger, then take a night off and then have IUI.  There was an Australian study, and a few minor follow ups that say this makes the sample from MFI'ers have the best chance of pregnancy rates, mainly from motility and morph.  I was very fearful of doing this because what if it hurt instead of helped?  

Well, the good news is it didn't hurt, (but I'm not sure it helped either).  His post wash was almost identical to his sample in January when we got PG and m/c (which was his best sample to date) - post wash over just over 10mil/ml with 88% motility.  HOWEVER his initial numbers were lower (18mil/ml vs 36mil/ml).  So, that means that many more made it to post wash.  In January, less than third survived to post wash whereas this time over 50% made it.  IDK.  As my mother would say, six of one half a dozen of the other when they both ended with about the same amount.  Since the final number was the same and the post wash motility was the same I don't know if his initial count was hurt because of the experiment or if it's just a basic fluke lower sample (how MFI can be).   And the higher motility and survival rate to post wash...was that because of this? IDK.  

What I can say, is that it wore my poor 41 year old husband out!  We had sex the night of trigger, but it took some effort on our parts to get it done if ya know what I mean...because of eight straight days.  But the job got done.  Was fairly unromantic though from the effort that had to be made.  Then last night after having given his sample in the morning and to have to have sex that night?  Ugh, we tried.  For like, an hour.  But eventually just gave up, and then he felt bad and said it was - "just too much"  and  "forced".  

Now, we've had timed sex for over three years.  And this is our fifth IUI.  This ain't our first time to this rodeo.  It's never felt forced.  It's never been so difficult.  It's never been so unromantic.  I've always felt blessed that as an MFI couple, we've never had these issues.  Last night just sucked.  A Lot.  So, if this cycle doesn't work I don't know that we'll be willing to try that again.  I hated seeing DH so disappointed in himself.   I hated that I couldn't help but have a few tears stream down my face.  And that I couldn't find the words to explain to Jeff that the tears were not because it didn't happen, but because of seeing his face.  I don't want him to feel bad.  THAT is what was making me sad.  I hate IF.  I really, really do.  

The interweb amazes me some days

So I was being reflective a little bit ago on hindsight, (and in an earlier email to a friend)) and what I might do different.  I choose years ago to try and live my life for the most part with no regrets.  To know that the journey I've taken has lead me to who I am now.  And I like myself, so why would I want it any other way?

Example:  I was fairly lonely for some years of my 20's.  You know the girl I'm talking about.  The Bridget Jones in many of us of "why can't I just find a guy?".  BUT being on my own gave me career opportunities, and get to live in area of our country I might not have if not tide down.  And because of all I went through I met the love of my life at 29.  And we were meant to be.  Simple as that.

And as for the IF journey.  Do I wish anything were different?  Of course, I wish it had happened sooner.  That we didn't have problems.  That we could have immediately afforded tons of treatment bam.bam.bam instead of spreading it out for the past several years.  But then I wouldn't be an advocate.  I would not have met some of the women I've met.  I would not have some of the friends I now have because of it.  I would not be as strong.  I would not be as wise.  I would not be as sympathetic to others.  So yes, let it happen already!  But at the same time, I'm partially grateful for the journey.

When I stop and think of the people I've gotten to know due to IF.  It's HUNDREDS of people.  There are 75 of us from two years ago on 3T in my private FB group.  There are another 30ish? in the COA proboard group that all met when I first started, many of whom went on to 3T over three years ago.  And there are several ladies that if I saw their sign on name or avatar I'd immediately remember fondly.  And there are hundreds more who I wouldn't remember because they were not around too long- but I'm sure would remember me.  And we were all touched at one point by the shared struggle of IF and a website.  Amazing.

And it's amazing my little voice could have much impact.  I created this picture  over a year ago...

And this year I saw someone post it for NIAW.  And THEY didn't get it from me.  They got it from pinterest.  It's been pinned over a hundred times on other people's boards.  Some little thing I made for a laugh.  Or that my youtube videos have been viewed by hundreds.  The internet did that!  

Can you imagine trying to go through this without the internet?  Even just 10 or 15 years ago without the forums to talk, vent, or get advice.  Without googling symptoms.  Without meme's and ecards to make you laugh.  Without videos to make you cry.  I can't.  I cannot imagine the last three years without you guys.  And I am forever grateful. 

CD11 monitoring, ready to trigger for #5

So not having monitoring on the weekend was fine.  I had mini tiny baby fears of too many follicles and getting canceled so I mentally prepared myself for news of all kinds. From "You need to keep stimming" to "there's only one", to being OK with moving ahead if there was five, to "I'm sorry there are seven and we need to cancel you."   All fears put to rest when there were just two on right that were above 10mm and two on left above 10mm.

So the two on my left that were at 11mm grew to 18.5 and 14 and the two on my right that grew were 15 and 11mm.  Of course in the next two days the 15 and 14 could grow to be 21 and 20mm because I have had 3mm of growth a day just last cycle so there is a chance I'll have three when I ovulate on Thursday.  But at least one, probably two.  I'm good with that.  Lining was only 7.5, so a little bummed on that.  Last time it was 8.9 at this point.  And this time I drank more stinkin POM wonderful because I thought maybe last cycle   that was the reason I had such a nice lining.  Now I'm just chalking it up to me being me.  Because last time I drank 24oz over four days.  This time I drank 48oz over eight days.  ::::shrugs::::  I'm not buying into the pom theory.  Especially since that stuff's so expensive.

So, here goes nothing.  Trigger tonight between 8:30 and 9:30 -which happens to be during my shift tonight at work.  For those that might not remember what I do now, I manage the cashiers at the front lanes of a Super Tar.get.  So I get to give myself a shot in the bathroom.  Yippee!  ((Dripping with sarcasm)).  And after 8 hours of work I then get to come home and have sex at 10:45 at night.  Thankfully I can sleep in the next day.  Jeff? Not so much.  Oh well, what are ya gonna do?

So total stimming?  Seven days.  75iu of Follistim each day.  I still have 3x900iu pens in my fridge that are from Bethany that don't expire until May 2014 (and 150iu left in current pen).  But I am really hoping I get to donate those on very soon.  Pay if forward peeps!  If I only seem to use 525iu per IUI, I wonder how much I'd need if I did do IVF?  I still can't imagine I'd need more than my stash even if we had one more IUI.  Even if I did two more IUIs, I'd still then have 1800iu left for IVF -good lord she gave me a lot of drugs!  And a big thanks to Katy J for my trigger shot I'll be taking tonight.  I have so many wonderful ladies that have offered me drugs I have to keep turning people away, and tell them to offer them up to the donation pool.  How did I get so lucky? I've felt very loved lately and cannot wait to return the favor.  Please, please let it be soon.  

Avoid the weekend at all costs!

So, I got the feeling earlier this week that my RE's group offices had a conspiracy going on:  avoid the weekend at all costs!  There are only two of their several offices open on the weekend, and I think they only wanted the people that are absolutely necessary (you know IVF retrievals or transfers...and now I'm wondering if they actually pushed protocols on them so no one would need it around now)  and **maybe** IUIs if no other way around timing.  But I was told last Tuesday at my baseline to make an appointment for the following Tuesday "just in case" as it was filling up quickly.

Now, having done this two other times I know that I normally go in cd7, cd9, and cd11.  Due to the weekend they are just skipping cd9.  OK fine I guess...but it just seems funny that I had an IUI on Easter last year and it was NBD, and last cycle I had monitoring over Saturday and on Martin Luther King Day - again, it ain't no thing.  But yesterday everyone was like "OK, see you Tuesday."  "I think the doctor will agree we don't need to see you until Tuesday."  "You have an appointment already in the books for Tuesday right?"

OK, OK I get it!  There are a few times a year you guys really don't want to see me.  But you're medical professionals and everyone should take turns so that everyone only has to work like one major holiday weekend a year.  My mom works Hospice and has always had to "pick" her summer holiday (Memorial, 4th of July or Labor day) and her Winter holiday (Thanksgiving, Xmas eve, Xmas day, New Years) that she for sure needed off and which she'd prefer and they try to make it work.  ::::shrugs:::::I don't know.  I know since

I always make it to cd11 fine, I don't feel too worried.  But there is that little voice in my head saying "what if things go crazy in there?"  I already have two 11mm on my left after just three days of shots, and on my right I had "tons of activity" but none over 10mm yet.  (I counted six follies that all looked around 7-8mm).  9:45am on Tuesday can't come soon enough.  But that means my IUI is (as I suspected) most likely Thursday.  My home office is closed on Thursday, and I have to choose between the two nearest....Hoffman Estates or Buffalo Grove.  I've gone to Hoffman three times, once for monitoring, one for p4, and once for IUI.  And IDK, I don't like that office (except for the Ultrasound tech) and I *really* don't like the nurses.  They seem to be cold, clinical, and rough.  So I told Jeff we'll try out Buffalo Grove this time because I really don't want to go to Hoffman again.  FX that I have two to four follies sizes 18-24mm with triple striped lining over 9mm!

Meh...start of IUI#5

I don't know why but I have a cartoon in my head when thinking of this.  And it's got that corny announcer in a plaid jacket overlooking a horse race saying "And they're off!"  And then the camera pans down to a horse hanging out  in the gates eating a long straw of hay that then shrugs his shoulders and that noise "wa-wa-waaaaah" goes on in the background.  Seriously have no idea why this is what comes to mind :::shrugs like the cartoon horse:::


I do know that Tuesday was cycle day 4, and  got my baseline, and started the drugs.  Lather, rinse, repeat.....As needed.


This time though, I have a confession to make.  I forgot about all my little superstitious rituals.  I forgot to wear lucky socks from one of the girls gift packs.  I forgot to tuck my hope stone into my pocket, I forgot to wear my IF necklace or common thread bracelet.  I forgot it all.  Eh? I know it's not what does or does not make or break a cycle.  I know what it is, is something to help me remember I'm not alone.  That they're all reminders of friends and family and ideas to fight the emotional turmoil of this.  I guess I've done this enough that maybe I don't need them as much?  Or maybe I'm just not as excited this time that it's not filling my every thought? Or maybe I'm just tired.  So tired.  I have such a "Been there, done that" attitude.  When I went into the ultrasound room and she told me to get undressed waist down and use the paper sheet etc. I was like:  This is my sixth treatment cycle.  Not my first time to the rodeo (or horse race as the metaphor should be).

And that's kind of how this how this whole start to the cycle feels.
"Same old story, Same old song and dance"
Yet for the record as I always do....

AFC:  9 on right, 8 on left
Meds:  75iu Follistim started on cd4
Next monitoring?:  Friday May 24th 8am

What's new?:  Info given to me on BPAs harm to morph.   And research showing DH should "expel" everyday for 7-10 days before day of trigger shot.  This is new, and worries me a bit on how it will help or hurt his count.  We'll see next week I guess.  Please let it help, I'd hate for us to have done something that hurts our chances.  But it is funny to think poor man now has to either whack off everyday or have sex, and when I told him we wouldn't be having that much sex because it was "too much to handle"  he was sad.  But since I have to do shots everyday, it's like he's almost a little happy to have his own homework assignment.  ((Now picturing a horse with the biggest grin across it's face)).