Pokey didn't make it

Pokey didn't make it.  So we have just the one frozen embryo.  But it's a 4BB embryo, and it made it.  So that will be what's transferred at the FET.  Talk about pressure on little Lucky!  I don't know what else to say.  This one embryo is our last chance.  It's really sinking in now we're nearing the end of this IF journey one way or the other.

Dance of Joy!

So they called early for once!  No day of agony!

I'm happy to report that one of our little Amigos has made it to full blastocyst stage and is ready to freeze!  And another is not far behind as it's in early blast and still growing so they said they will let it continue to day seven.  Wha?!  I've never heard of letting embryos grow to day seven but already in the last few minutes I've had two fellow IFers say they've either hear of that or done that as well so at least I know it's not unheard of.  And yeah, let my little Pokey keep going!  (Am I showing my age when I think of Gumby and Pokey?)

So the Three Amigo's there names were Dusty Bottoms, Lucky Day, and Ned Nederlender.  I'm calling the frostie Lucky after Steve Martin's character.  And if Pokey makes it, we'll transfer both Lucky and Pokey in our FET.  

Lucky
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Pokey
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As for my Ultrasound, I have a 40mm "bloody" cyst on my left ovary.  Which is also apparently hiding slightly behind my uterus...so they said when I lay on my back or left side I'm sort of "squishing" on that ovary.  Eewwww!  RE will be consulted to hear if we're going to just watch it to see if it will resolve on it's own or what.  So I have yet another call coming tomorrow to hear about Pokey as well as a call from REs office on the cyst, which since it's bloody I'm calling Carrie.  Yes, I'm naming everything today!  Call me a little cray-cray, I'm ok with it.

They called...Day five

So once again two posts in one day!  Most of this is copied and pasted from TB so if you follow me on IF there...you've seen this.
This was my email to my husband titled:  Can I throat punch people?

So obviously this has been one of the most nerve wracking days of my life.  You know I'm not a patient person, but yeah I made it til one o'clock before calling.  They apologized that I was told I would get a three day report...they said since I was switched to a freeze all that they don't check them on day three because they want to keep them as undisturbed as possible (Um, that's not what you said on Thursday!) whatever.  Then she explained that the lab voicemail is not checked by the embryologist but their receptionist (they have their own receptionist?!?) and she doesn't work on the weekend so they didn't even know to call me to let me know there would be no three day check.  

As for today - again, since we're a freeze-all they are busy in the morning with egg retrievals, and transfers all morning.  Then move on to day one fertilization reports for those that had retrievals yesterday, then day three folks, then finally me.  So I won't be called until late afternoon.  WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE EXPLAIN THAT EARLIER?!

So in other words, still waiting for the call.  But they do want me to come into my local office tomorrow for an ultrasound due to the pain I described.  Could be left over follies because cysts or ovary torsion, but they said since Tylenol helped and it has dulled since this morning and I don't have a fever it's not an immediate worry.

I love you.  Thanks for letting me word vomit.

After the call this was my email to my MIL & SIL (I called Jeff to talk to him directly)

So to explain the news I need to get a little technical, please forgive me.

On day 3 after fertilization, the embryos are 6-9 cells.  On day four to five they have divided more times and look like a ball of cells that's call a "Morula".  On day five to six they reach "blastocyst" stage - which is what they need to be in order to be able to freeze them.  I'm being geeky and attaching a picture so you can see what I mean.  

Of our seven that fertilized, four arrested around day three when they were 6-9 cells.  Our remaining three are at the "Morula" stage which is most typical of day four but can still happen on day five.  So we need these three to keep growing to reach blastocyst stage when they check them tomorrow, to see how many (if any) they are able to freeze.  I told Jeff that since I'm a fairly lazy person, hopefully so are our trio and they just need a little extra time to make it there.  So yet again I have another agonizing day waiting for a phone call.  

Aside from that, I felt great on Saturday and all day yesterday but then had intense cramping last night and this morning that woke me up.  It's bad enough that they want me to come in for an ultrasound tomorrow to see if any remaining follicles turned into cysts or if my ovaries in their mango size state got twisted and I'm dealing with ovary "torsion" (although without a high fever and the fact that the pain comes and goes that's unlikely).  

So that's where we are.  I'll let you know tomorrow the final outcome on our three Amigos.  

So that's it.  See? I am lazy!  Copy/Paste was so much easier then writing that all out again!  

The Waiting in the Hardest Part

Oh Tom Petty how right you are.  The waiting IS the hardest part.

Have you ever realized one phone call will determine the path your life will take?  I didn't know it at the time, but the phone call I got back in May of 2010 saying we were dealing with a diagnosed fertility issue certainly changed the course of my life.  The wait to find out my second beta and that we were in deed miscarrying was another excruciating wait.  Of course the pain of that day overshadows the memory of the wait immensely.  Today is another one of those phone calls.  And the wait is agonizing.  I've been trying to be optimistic and using positive thinking but it stopped last night and the fear crept in.

What if the reason the lab never called this weekend is because my embies didn't even make it to day 3?  I started google searching (never good) and saw all kinds of dizzying stats that say anything to 15% - 40% percent of embies make it to freeze (No one seems to agree on the percent).  OMG I have a 60%-85% chance of not having anything?  I was hoping for four but now I'll take anything. ANYTHING!  The sheer thought that I could be getting a phone call any minute and it will steer the course forward of if we can or cannot have a shot at ever being parents is almost overwhelming.

No words can capture the terror.  Now, if we do have embies I will have another wait like this.  But for now I'm just freaking out.  I can't function.  Seriously.

Oh, and I had HORRIBLE cramps at midnight and again this morning at 6:30am.  So bad I was curled in the fetal position crying.  What the fuck is that about?  I felt fine Saturday and all day Sunday.  I've asked the #75 gals and the IF bump gals.  I will be asking about that when they call (if I can remember anything after they tell me the news).  Don't mean to end this abruptly but serious I can't focus.

Day 3 fert report?!?!?

So when they called me with the fert report on Thursday she said that they look at them again Saturday and I *could* be called if I wanted.  I was all like "Yeah I want to be called!" So she said "OK, I'll make a note for them to call you."  Well since Thursday I had spent the whole morning just starring at the phone I thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house and distract myself.  So Jeff and I took a two hour drive up to Milwaukee through some scenic area so I could look at the fall foliage (I'm a massive sucker for leaves changing) and then go to the casino up there - Potawatomi.  Our paperwork says that the clinic could call at anytime up to 6pm.  They didn't call.  And of course by 6pm when I tried to call to get answers, no one answered.  Admittedly I was able to go full half hours without checking my phone - instead of every five minutes - to see if I missed a call.  And I was having fun in the process instead of a ball of anxious nerves but still! AND we were able to stretch the money we'd brought for seven hours (and have a decent buffet for dinner).  We did not walk away winners, but of course I'd rather our luck was with our embryos instead of in a slot machine, but I was very happy to be feeling well enough to get out of the house for so long (granted most of it was sitting on my butt, which is exactly the kind of "activity" I needed).  But I consider any casino trip a win if we can win enough from our small amount of money that we could keep playing for six hours.  I particularly enjoyed the new Family Guy game.  

Since it's Sunday I called several numbers (five to be exact) getting the voice mail run around of on call nurses until someone finally answered a phone, said that's the lab's fault and gave me the secret option button they don't tell you on the machine to get through to the lab.  But of course the lab is busy "doing procedures" so I had to leave a message.  So now I get to spend today once again starring at the phone.  OMG!  Talk about testing my patience!  I WANNA KNOW HOW MY EMBIES ARE DOING DAMNIT!  This shows I'd be a concerned parent right? LOL.  I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass, just a simple phone call that they were supposed to make anyway.  Grrrrr.

Two posts in one day! Fert Report and info on FET

In case you missed it, I wrote at 8am all about our retrieval day already and mentioned waiting for the call.

And it finally came at 11am.  She and I talked for a while about how I was feeling before I finally said "And now for the good news???  Or I hope good news??"  (That pause in the conversation made me almost have a heart attack.)

Then she told me; of the 13 retrieved...eleven were mature.  Of the eleven mature, seven were fertilized with ICSI.  I was a little bit sad as I'd hoped for a fert report of ten growing embies but reminded myself that those that didn't fertilize were for a reason: maybe my older eggs, maybe sperm chromosomal issues.  Who knows?  What I know is that seven made it.  Whew.

She informed me that I won't get a report tomorrow, they like to let them rest in as close to a natural environment for a day in between checks.  (My womb would be dark and warm so they leave them in the dark warm incubator).  OK, she said "I can put if you want a report on Saturday."  Um YEAH!  But that report won't give me # of cells.  Only how many are still growing.  : (   I know other IVFers get that info so I was a bit surprised but she said again, they like to not disturb the embryos while they're growing as much as possible so they only take a quick peak under the microscope and count how many are still growing and cells dividing. But don't count the amount of cells? Oh well, trying to keep putting my trust that they want what's best for my little embies.  On Monday they will give me another call with the stats of how many cells each of the surviving embies are and do assisted hatching before freeze.  She said some might go until day six to reach where they want them for freezing.  

Then we talked a very short while about moving forward.  She said I'll be on the progesterone supps (was able to switch to oral instead of vag inserts since it's just to manipulate my body in prep for the FET).  She said I'd be on progesterone to get my body to then shed lining and start fresh for next cycle for the FET and that I will be on lupron.  Goodie - more shots.  I was not on lupron before so this is something new.  Hope it's cheap.  I was slipped some estrogen patches from the nurse that called me the other day and said she'd try to hoard drugs for me.  I don't know how much the lupron costs.  I hope it's cheap, as I think now it will be the only drug I have to buy since I already have estrace, these patches she slipped me, vag supps, ect.  She said for a FET in early November.  So that's that.  C'mon super seven!!

The day after ER

So 24 hours later I am not as sore but it still hurts to cough, sneeze, pee or laugh.  And my tongue is stained red from the 80oz. of Fruit Punch gatorade to keep OHSS at bay.  I did send Jeff off to work though, feeling well enough to take care of myself.

So first let me tackle the actual day of ER.  Jeff and I agreed to leave at 6:15am, thinking well it normally take about 50-55min to get there on the weekend, Rush hour will add about 20 minutes.  PLUS we'll take a different route that is more of a "back way" instead of the main road.  UGH - mistake!!  Because we don't know the back way well we didn't even know how close we were when we were sitting in bumper to bumper traffic.  By checking on my phone when we only had 20 minutes until appointment time (7:30) I realized yep, we're going to be late.  Que stomach flip flopping and massive nerves.  Finally at 7:30 I realize we're only about five miles away - we'll be very close to our check in time, only a few minutes late.  And then traffic just stopped. At 7:40 they called to see what happened to us and I explain we're in horrific traffic just one mile away. (I actually think of how much faster I'd get there if I just got out of the car and walk.) I feel much better when she says "We figured, just get here safely."

7:45 enter office, get signed in, get changed into gown and hair net.  Get weighed and told to pee one last time.  8:10 Jeff gets taken to the "husband room" for his contribution.  8:40 They come to get me from our little room.  There is no TV in the little room, just a medical recliner for me and a chair for Jeff but he plays Candy Crush on his phone as I go off for retrieval LOL.  It's amazing the amount of people they have in this little room - it's me, the anesthesiologist, the U/S tech, and two nurses.  I get my IV set up and they say the embryologist will confirm my name before giving me the juice.  RE walks in and they knock on the Embryologist door, she peaks her head out and I state my name and birthday and then they say I'm getting the drugs.  I remember them saying "We're gonna record all the funny things you say."   And I say "No!!  But when I had my breast reduction I do remember I tried to sell my surgeon television advertising."  Boom next thing I'm asleep.  It takes about 20 minutes for the ER and a few minutes later they're saying "Wake up Kati" and help me into a wheelchair to bring me back to Jeff.  The pain was intense so they gave me two tylenol, then some drug of who knows what in my IV and a heating pad.  Plus a ginger ale and some crackers.  After about half an hour I was given my instructions and asked if I could see Dr. Jacobs since I hadn't really talked to him except to say hello.

He comes by and I ask the main question I've been wondering "When do we decide if it's a freeze-all?"  And he says "Oh it is a freeze all."  And I said "But what if - and I'm trying to think positively here- but what if they're not looking good on day three or five and you think they may not make it to freeze?"  And he matter of factly says "If they're not good enough to freeze, they're most likely not good enough to survive anyway".  Ummm - ok?  First - that was a bit harsh, what happened to his kind bedside manner I've seen?  Second, I know that's not true - I've seen plenty of gals on the boards with morula 4 cell three day transfers that were worried and ended up pregnant.  But I know that he is just trying to give us the best chance, and with my progesterone levels he's probably right.  Because those with lower grade embryos didn't have hormone levels out of whack but it was sobering to hear - this really is it.  If none make it to freeze, our journey to be parents has ended.  No pressure.   HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

So now I sit...it's 8am.  They'll call later today to tell me how many of those 13 are mature.  And how many of those mature eggs fertilized and are growing.  It's so odd to just think of what is going on in that little room out in Highland Park.  Our possible future child/ren.  My paperwork says they can call anytime in the day until 6pm.  Please don't make me wait that long to hear what's going on!  This first hour of being awake it's all I can think about.