The Waiting in the Hardest Part

Oh Tom Petty how right you are.  The waiting IS the hardest part.

Have you ever realized one phone call will determine the path your life will take?  I didn't know it at the time, but the phone call I got back in May of 2010 saying we were dealing with a diagnosed fertility issue certainly changed the course of my life.  The wait to find out my second beta and that we were in deed miscarrying was another excruciating wait.  Of course the pain of that day overshadows the memory of the wait immensely.  Today is another one of those phone calls.  And the wait is agonizing.  I've been trying to be optimistic and using positive thinking but it stopped last night and the fear crept in.

What if the reason the lab never called this weekend is because my embies didn't even make it to day 3?  I started google searching (never good) and saw all kinds of dizzying stats that say anything to 15% - 40% percent of embies make it to freeze (No one seems to agree on the percent).  OMG I have a 60%-85% chance of not having anything?  I was hoping for four but now I'll take anything. ANYTHING!  The sheer thought that I could be getting a phone call any minute and it will steer the course forward of if we can or cannot have a shot at ever being parents is almost overwhelming.

No words can capture the terror.  Now, if we do have embies I will have another wait like this.  But for now I'm just freaking out.  I can't function.  Seriously.

Oh, and I had HORRIBLE cramps at midnight and again this morning at 6:30am.  So bad I was curled in the fetal position crying.  What the fuck is that about?  I felt fine Saturday and all day Sunday.  I've asked the #75 gals and the IF bump gals.  I will be asking about that when they call (if I can remember anything after they tell me the news).  Don't mean to end this abruptly but serious I can't focus.